Dont Talk

to me or my son ever again.

[koiietseal]

My mind’s telling me no

But my body’s telling me yes

[catchymemes]

[smute]

“you are a lawyer and he is a hamster” is one of the funniest statements ive ever had the pleasure of reading

[whitepeopletwitter]

[whitepeopletwitter]

[education]

Source: http://bit.ly/2N2Nqi4

[the-worm-man]

Poly rights

[spooky-catboy-angel]

finally, a bed big enough for me and my size 13 nikes

[thediscossessed]

Me and the boys waking up in our Alaska King

[animejebbush]

i was at five guys and i’ve never wanted to meet someone more than i do the guy that drew this

[bigwordsandsharpedges]

gain.jpg

[bellecs]

[ofgeography]

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY–

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)

my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)

my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)

me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”

DON’T

EXPOSE

MY KID

TO THAT CRAP

“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”

I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT

IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

are you fucking kidding

i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for

my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences

my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

are you fucking kidding

this is the best thing i’ve ever done

[cheshirelibrary]

[milestellers]

[weezerpilled-deactivated2025082]

[picsthatmakeyougohmm]

[5nkc7hdrl-deactivated20180324]

[cr-familiar-faces]

Windex isn’t carbonated 

[cr-familiar-faces]

[killin-the-machine]

The use of the princess bride implies that they’re both windex

[pinsir]

it also implies that op developed immunity to windex

[anxietyproblem]

[pyramidsandpistols]

Constantly sanitizing everything in stores

[shmoodylee]

Wearing MEDICAL masks when you’re sick.

[donkeydickjess]

Curbside pickup and 50% capacity

[siege1]

Knowing a greater number of grown adults are washing their hands. With water AND soap.

[densley3]

All the above

[lavendermuseums]

[happyunicornjet]

Columbia University Student Will Drag Her Mattress Around Campus Until Her Rapist Is Gone

“I think the act of carrying something that is normally found in our bedroom out into the light is supposed to mirror the way I’ve talked to the media and talked to different news channels, etc,” Emma continues in the full video which you can watch here.

So, I just want to go into HOW MUCH Columbia and the NYPD has failed, and revictimized, Emma Sulkowitz.

What I really love about this ‘mattress performance’ is that other students helped her carry her mattress across campus.

All those people reminded her that she didn’t have to carry that weight alone. That’s amazing.

[katie-and-her-fandoms]

this is her at her graduation

[schiwalker]

At her fucking graduation. God damn.

[femalecharacterthatyouhate-deac]

I’ll never not reblog this

[matchabrookie]

This is about ten years old. Wonder what she’s doing now

[catlogicdefiesall]

Performance art and anti-rape campaigning, according to her Wikipedia article.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emma_Sulkowicz

[unusanus-hourglass666]

I will never not ignore this, I have been this many times before. I AM A SURVIVOR ✊

[catchymemes]

[link-the-feral-anon]

When you remember the anti-vax movement

[burger-prince]

[tatsutahimet]

I first reblogged this in January, and here my ass is in March 2020 self-quarantined at home.

[catchymemes]

[gentlesharks]

[fuliajulia]

[gentlesharks]

[whitepeopletwitter]