Hi. It’s been a looonnngggg while since I’ve reposted or even just posted in general on here. For a while I thought it was because I was getting better. I’m engaged to an amazing woman who I love dearly and she’s trying her best to help with my feelings of self hatred and the need to avoid food. So I’ve been remaining on a pretty good eating schedule for her. But recently I had the opportunity to get so hungry my stomach growled again. Like that pure hurt of emptiness. And it feels comforting. So much so that I realized I wasn’t better. I was just replacing one addiction with the next and I had fallen into a huge binge cycle it felt like because of this “regular eating schedule”. And it’s only made worse by her saying she also feels fat and worthless even tho she’s 115lbs. Which as the name of the blog you can see is my GW. And to some extent I knew I wasn’t healed. I never once deleted Tumblr. Even when I got a new phone it was one of the first things I transferred over. I’ve just been avoiding it like the plague because I know it’s where my mind truly resides. Something about this app has always felt like home. If it had a smell I swear I’d recognize it anywhere. And I guess I just came on to say I’m not better. I’m still that wannabe skinny girl in my mind. Even tho I’m enby and hate all things feminine I still have that yearning to be small and dainty. And I got reallyyy close before. I got down to 146lbs. My lowest in YEARS. But life went to hell for me and I gained soooo much I’m back up so high and I’m disgusted in myself. That I could ever let myself get this big again. But this time I have the stomach stretch marks to criticize where I am. Which I never had before. And everything feels wrong. I feel like I’m drowning a part of myself and it hurts. So I guess I came here to really say I’m back. Hopefully healthier than before mentally about these things but I’m back. I got this.
