I thought of you today. Not in day-dream kind of way though. I remembered that one time when you called me while you were out of town; you had locked yourself in a bathroom at your family’s house because you were having a panic attack. We talked, I told you to just breathe and listen to my voice.. When you got back home, you said that I really helped you. I was happy. That moment flashed through my head today while things were a bit rough. Turns out I needed you today. And even though we haven’t talked for over 5 years you helped me out. Long story short, I threw most of our stuff away because, well you know. But mum had kept a couple things before they made it to the trash. Some photos, that “About Me” project I had for Mr. Sharps class in high school that after I finished you turned it into a scrap book, some tickets to events we went to, and one journal (of many that were) that you wrote to me. We were both so young and rather fiery! These items are kept in a box in the garage in the attic, among a current mountain of other crap.. Anyway, while gathering myself I decided to open the journal and read it. You wrote up to the last page. Of the many things you wrote, one thing that stuck out to me was that you said I was your “first love”. While I understand that we were young and that may have been a “moment” of emotion, it still existed. Along with the other little nit picks and things that you wrote; ranging from just being bored in class, to telling me how much I drove you crazy. This made me happy and allowed me to recompose myself. It was kind of sad too. Maybe I’m just creating some memories, but it felt like as I was reading it, I could see our relationship changing while we were together. ie: our early honeymoon period, your random adventures, our one breakup, and following fights and arguments, you going off and living in an apartment for school and yada ya. While I don’t expect you to ever see this.. if you happen to, this is not an “oh woe is me I miss you come back to me blah blah” BS. It’s just a moment that happened today that made me feel like writing because I know it makes people feel better. I’m also aware that in the next couple months we may be spending time together because we are so popular and have mutual friends, so maybe this is just a defense mechanism to make me feel more prepared than I already am. (I am, trust me ;) . Furthermore, (feels like I’m writing my thesis using words like that) I just want to say thank you. Thank you for helping me. Even though you’ll never know you just did. I’m glad that I met you. I truly am. And you know what? Even though I may not have acted like it at times, and maybe because I just didn’t know how because of being young, dumb, and lacking role models.. You were my “first love” too. I hope you know that. Maybe you might have a moment like this or already have. And while you are off doing your thing, with the people of your choice, I wish you happiness and love. Because that’s what you deserve. Guess what? I feel better! Because no matter what, I’ll be okay.
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