hi, it’s been three days since i decided to take a break. to say i miss this place is an understatement, after all this is the community where i feel the safest and happiest. i’ve been thinking a lot, and maybe this isn’t the time to say everything i want to say, and god knows i can misspeak and say the wrong things, but i keep thinking and thinking and thinking and i have to let this out or else i’ll spiral.
it’s no secret i didn’t like liam’s actions in the past couple of months, with everything coming to a head when maya opened up about her troubled relationship with him. i was very angry and upset, and though i still believe the criticism was valid, i said things i shouldn’t have. i placed myself in a position of morality, of being better than others, because i criticized liam. in the process i ended up hurting people. these are things i will always regret. i’m so deeply sorry to those i hurt with my words. i wish i could take them back, but i can’t, so i will live with the consequences of them.
i want to make it 100% clear, i never, ever wished for things to end the way they did. i’ve always believed in accountability and working toward becoming a better person, and i will always believe it’s possible to do so. in my mind, i couldn’t support liam anymore, but i hoped he would seek help, heal and become the best version of himself. knowing that will never happen hurts beyond belief.
my biggest regret is being too antagonistic toward him. to not have given him more grace as he struggled with addiction. i know firsthand how addiction can destroy even the kindest, most wonderful people. i was blinded by so much anger that i couldn’t see beyond it. i’m by no means justifying his actions, and i still believe that holding him accountable was the right thing to do, because it came from a place of wanting him to become better, but now, maybe too late, i realize situations like these aren’t always black or white.
yesterday, i was scrolling through my liam tag. back then i used nicknames for each of the guys. louis was solecito, harry was lunita, zayn was principito, niall was amorcito, and liam, he was coranzoncito, little heart. i never got around to change it, so some of the posts i reblogged about liam were still tagged as corazoncito. seeing it made me break down again. a reminder of the love i once held for him. the one i forgot. he was my little heart.
navigating all of these complicated feelings of grief has been hard. i felt like i didn’t have any right to mourn him. hell, i’ve had anons telling me i was a horrible person for mourning an abuser, and at the same time a hypocrite for even daring to mourn him, seeing as i didn’t like him anymore. but fuck it, fuck it all, all these feelings i have are real. i won’t and can’t let anyone dictate how i feel, and i feel a profound sadness and pain over his death. i will mourn him. i will let myself feel all of it. the sadness, the pain, the anger, the confusion, all of it.
liam, you weren’t perfect, but none of us are. i want to remember you for everything you were, the good and the bad. i want to remember you not as liam payne™, but as liam, the human. the one that made mistakes but also brought so much joy. the one who hurt people but also brought comfort to people. the one who touched the hearts and souls of many people. i wish things had ended differently. i wish you had a chance to heal. i hope wherever you are you’ve found peace.
please take care of and be gentle toward each other, i love you guys.
blakekathryn
discoholicmusic
2087
janainaart
