When was it that I became so melancholy? I look back and I realize that even the best moments of my life I was still depressed. It never has fully gone away. It gets better for a few days yet gets worse at the same time. I fear that I will never truly be able to show complete happiness in my life. But then and again, who can? It's one thing, though, to feel happy most of the time with days of pure sadness and hatred towards yourself compared to when you feel that all the time and you only get a few moments of bliss. I wonder to myself what I have possibly done to deserve the pain everyone causes towards me and what I do to myself. Of course there are countless answers to that but the ones that I think of, aren't truly the reasons. Are there any reasons? Or is it just something I have to deal with? You see, most people think that I'm the type of person who shouldn't be depressed. I have a great family, friends, etc. and yes I know I do, but that's not what counts. It's about the way you feel about yourself and the way others have treated you over the years and the way you treat yourself to make you this way. Everyone has been bullied at least once in their life. Whether it was someone making a rude comment to you or something you overheard, giving you nasty looks, or anything for that matter. I think that the way you handled and treated it then reflects on yourself now. I'll admit, I'm a very sensitive person. I don't take criticism well at all. I handle it better with certain things, but it's still there. I've always wondered why, but I look back and realize that the moment when something bad happens and the way you handle it that's how you will handle it pretty much your whole life. Of course you can change that, but for me it has stayed the same. I think that if I handled it like I didn't care or listen to what others said to help me I wouldn't be so hard on myself now. To be frank, I wouldn't go back and change any of that. I wouldn't change how I've felt. It's been a definite pain in the ass. It's ruined quite a few friendships and relationships but I wouldn't go back. You want to know why? It's made me realize how much more grateful you should be when you have a good day or you do something fun. Because you won't always have those. Plus, it's looking at the future. I'm sick and tired of being depressed and I want that to change. It can't happen in just one day, but I'm working really hard on it. One thing that hurt the most, was that I have been diagnosed with minor depression but on the early stages of it getting worse. I already had some sense that I had it, but just hearing a professional tell me that was something that I could never describe. Never in a million years would my younger self thought that I would be depressed.. Out of the multiple things that were said, the one thing that I remember the most was her saying that it could possibly take years for me to start feeling the way I used to. But, I don't want it to be years. If It could happen, I would want to be happy this second. It doesn't work like that unfortunately. I'm just done though. I'm tired of feeling this way. It's time for me to turn my life around again and I know I can. Every single day since I don't know when I have woken up telling myself that I wasn't good enough. No matter how caring, nice, loving, smart, or how focused I am I will never be good enough. In a sense, I know I will always think this. But this is only because I have heard this too many times from others that I have believed it. Just for once though, I want to wake up and be happy for who I am. It won't come in a couple days, and not even months. But if I can start somewhere I know I will be able to finally say I am okay without it being a lie.
vaporwave
andulkaphoto
stormborns
kianamaiart
pixelskylines
