HappyGirl

I'm Suzanne and I am an English teacher in the Dominican Republic. This blog is a commentary on my life as a Christian missionary. About me Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer. But this I know with all my heart: His wounds have paid my ransom. also, alabare.tumblr.com.

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I've moved! I've been considering moving to another blog host for a long time and I've finally made the switch. Please continue to follow me at http://tattooedmissionary.wordpress.com/.

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Here's the thing about being homesick

I got homesick today.

So I flung pancake batter

And kicked blankets

And cursed the termites working their way down my bedroom wall.

I blamed the heat

And pouted in the shower.

  I admitted my frustrations

And found that they have nothing to do with being “home.”

  Yes, Jesus loves me.

This is love – You gave Yourself.

  I am frustrated by my ever-present longing for the not yet.

 Not yet married

Not yet fluent in Spanish

Not yet a real live writer

Not yet good at praying consistently (or ever)

Not yet in seminary

Not yet brave enough to start on the not yet.

                                                To start a book

                                                To start a ministry

                                                To start a real prayer

                                                To start a conversation

  I’ll leave myself behind and follow You.

  I hide in my bed

In the make believe world of fiction

And it’s funny that a story about a World War II concentration camp

Sounded like a better story than mine today

  You’re dangerous but Lord you’re beautiful

  I’ve known for a while

That I don’t like struggling

I’d rather have someone else fix my problems

I’d rather not try if there’s a chance of failure

And the thing is

This path I’ve chosen, this narrow Jesus road, this Way,

Isn’t for me.

I mean, it’s not for the me I’ve made myself.

It’s not for the comfortable me who doesn’t like to be bad at things.

It’s not for the me who would rather have someone else fix my problems.

It’s not for the me who avoids failure like she avoids hard work.

  Except Jesus is for me.

  And if our God is for us, then what could ever stop us?

  Jesus is for gently leading me out of my comfort zone.

Jesus is for fixing my problems for me, because the real big problems that I have I stand no chance of fixing on my own.

Jesus is for failing in my own strength so I can flourish in His.

  Our God is a God of second chances.

  Is it strange to be homesick for people I barely know?

For people who I got to pray over just once?

For people I watched praise God from the back of the room?

For people I never spoke to, but who showed me Jesus in their being?

  I’m homesick for those kinds of things.

  And I know Jesus is here

                                In every one of my precious students

                                In every conversation about His word

                                In the prostitute who decides she wants a different life

                                In me.

  And I wonder if I’m closing my eyes to all of the God around me

Because then my wanting to be home (comfortable/taken care of/successful) can be dressed up

Like I can say I’m homesick for God.

  Oh Your cross, it changes everything.

There my world begins again with You.

  God has always been really good at calling people out on their baloney.

          Always inside this mess I have found forgiveness, mercy as infinite as You.

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Here's the thing about Genesis 19

Does anyone remember when I started studying fear in the Bible? And I said I was going to look up and read and study the context and apply to our lives all of the “do not fear’s” in the Bible? And remember when that study led me to the life of Abraham? And remember when like, half a year ago I left ya’ll hanging wondering whether Sodom and Gomorrah were going to be destroyed or not? Well, I’m pretty sure the majority of you know the ending to that one, but I’m also pretty sure I really miss the Old Testament, so here I go with the rest of Abraham’s story.

When we last left Abraham, he had just left from straight hanging out with God discussing things like the weather and whether to destroy a city. Remember Abraham’s nephew Lot? He and his family had traveled with Abram from Haran way back in the beginning of this journey. And remember when their families got too big to be supported by the same land? They split up. Lot went one way and Uncle Abe went the other. And guess where Lot just happened to end up… Sodom and Gomorrah, the very place the Lord is considering incinerating. This could be way Abraham was so invested in saving the city, no?

Okay, so, instead of just hauling off and flattening the whole place, God decided to send in some undercover investigators to see if S and G were really as bad as everyone says. Two angels headed down to Sodom “at even” (or “in the evening” for you non-KJV folk) which isn’t the best time to head into a seedy neighborhood, but here we go. Lot met the angels at the gate and very humbly and hospitably invited them in to his house to rest, wash, and stay till morning. He knew what went down on those streets at night and for whatever reason didn’t want to expose these guests to Sodom’s nightlife. It took some convincing from Lot, but finally the angels agreed to come in.

Now here’s where it gets crazy. Before the angels went to sleep, the men of the city (my ESV bible says, "all the people to the last man") come banging on the doors demanding Lot to hand over the newcomers so that they can “know them” (or “rape them” for you non-KJV folk).

Seriously? Sodom was such a hot freaking mess that any time the perverted men of the city saw fresh meat enter (like two angels from heaven in the form of men) they decided it would be a great idea to march on over to wherever the newbies were staying and demand to be allowed to have their way with them. I mean, seriously? This is worse than men who ride by on their bike and offer up the brilliant suggestion of – “F- me,” at a woman as she walks by (which actually happened to a friend of mine). This is a group of men assuming they are entitled to whatever and whomever they want. This, my friends, is an example of a corrupt system. Every last man of Sodom – young and old – wanted a crack at these two new guys. I can see why God wanted to just scratch all that and start over. Also, I this is the first mention of homosexual activity in the Bible.

What strikes me is that Lot didn’t seem surprised by the men’s request to “know” his guests. In fact, I wonder if that’s why he was so insistent the visitors stay with him. Maybe he thought that if the visitors stayed with him they’d have less of a chance of being seen by the welcoming city folk. Maybe he thought his neighbors would be less likely to storm the house of a friend than the town inn. I can just imagine him nervously (but trying to stay cool) trying to make the angel’s feel welcome while frequently peeking out the window for storming Sodomites.

Then came the moment Lot was dreading. The “men of the city” surrounded Lot’s house and demanded to be given the men inside. I wonder if this tactic had worked for them before. Probably, right? I mean, a city’s worth of lusty and determined men against one or two visitor and their terrified hosts? The odds don’t look good. Almost as if Lot were expecting the house call, he went out to the mob to try to reason with them, to barter the innocence, purity, and safety of his daughters in order to spare these two men he didn’t even know. Yes, you read that right. Lot’s bright idea was to give this mob of men HIS DAUGHTERS to do who knows what with in order to keep these men safe. Maybe deep down he knew he was housing pieces of heaven.

Unfortunately for Lot, the crowd was not impressed by his offer and they tried to barge right in anyway. Unfortunately for the crowd, Lot’s visitors were angels. The grabbed Lot, brought him inside, and blinded their hopeful rapists. Then the ESV bible says, “they (the men) wore themselves out groping for the door.” What has to happen within a person, within a society that an entire city’s men are so determined to satisfy their sinful desires that they have clearly rationalized as okay that they wear themselves out groping for the chance to victimize someone? What has to happen in a city to make men feel so entitled to the bodies of other men? They wore themselves out groping for the door. They were relentless.

I wonder how many in the group really wanted to rape these strangers and I wonder how many felt that they were supposed to really want to rape these strangers because that’s what everyone else was doing. And I wonder how many of our men today really want to talk about women as if we were created only for their pleasure. And I wonder how many of our men are scared to death to stand-up against the crowd so they end up wearing themselves out groping for a perversion they’re trying to convince themselves is “normal” and “natural.”

(Here I am reminded of Christy McFerren’s words in her book First Steps Out about feeling pressure to “come out” as gay after experiencing homosexual desires. It’s a great book and you should read it!)

Now the angels (and God) had seen for themselves how fallen and broken this city really was. And they told Lot to get his family and get out because Sodom was about to be destroyed. Lot had no trouble believing the angels. He knew Sodom was a mess. His future son-in-laws, however, seemed to think Lot was crazy and I wonder where they were when the crowd (described as “all the people to the last man”) was storming Lot’s house.

Even though Lot knew Sodom should be destroyed, this had also been his home for years and he was reluctant to leave. Sometimes even though we know a habit or relationship or environment is perverted and broken and way less than what God has for us, we are reluctant to leave it behind. Because even though it’s messed up, it’s familiar and comfortable and we’re scared of starting over.

But the Lord is merciful and wants our best and He made sure Lot and his family escaped. The Lord is merciful and wants YOUR best and wants YOU out of whatever your Sodom is. He wants you fully out, surrendered to Him and to what He has for you, which is your best. No looking back. God provides the way out but we have to take it – to put one foot in front of the other toward freedom and restoration and away from destruction and sin that has become the norm. He will see us free and He will restore us but we have to take that first step out. (Hey, that's the name of that book that everyone should read!)

  Now that summer is over and extra curricular activities/responsibilities haven't started yet, you can probably expect real posts about the Bible and stuff. And pictures of my adorable students.

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Here's the thing about order

But all things should be done decently and in order. - 1 Corinthians 14:40

This verse has been sticking with me today. On Tuesday the preschool teachers and I were deciding on the verses we wanted to teach our students this year. Our director had decided on different valores (values) for each two week period and we were to decide on the verses that best exemplified those verses in a way preschoolers could understand. Our first valor is "order." When we're talking about upwards of 90 2-6 year olds returning to school after a summer of fun, order is a very important valor to get a handle on. 1 Corinthians 14:40 is the first we chose for this valor.

At the time I didn't think much of the verse, but moved on to the next valor and my Bible's concordance to find the next verse. Today, however, the verse has been popping up in my mind all day. Things really should be done decently and in order. And sometimes I forget that and want to rush ahead... to being married... and to some other things, too.

This morning I woke up (when the power went out! woohoo!) and read my Bible FIRST. Then I read a book about a Christ-like and loving response to a loved one's admittance of struggling with same-sex attraction. It was awesome and challenging. I ate a bit of brunch, swept the kitchen, and then headed over to the school to take care of some business. After I've hit "Publish" I am going to watch Prison Break on Netflix. See? Decently and in order. Jesus first, responsible stuff second, Prison Break third.

I can think of some other examples of how God made sure things were done decently in order without my permission. (I happen to really like when God does things without my permission because usually my permission is dumb when it comes to the big things. I happen to NOT like when anyone else does things without my permission. It's a control thing, I think. I'm growing.)

Two of my wonderful friends recently got engaged (WAHOO!). They met a couple of years ago here in the Dominican Republic. Now, it would've been INdecent and UNorderly if they got married right on the spot when Diana first came to the DR two years ago. She still had to finish school and raise support and learn a lot of things before God moved here down here to this country full time. Yensi still had things to learn and school to attend and Diana's father's permission to get before he proposed. They did things decently and in order.

Another example. One from my own life. Not about boys or marriage. Last year when I moved from comfort and familiarity to this sweaty, wonderful place, it was decent and orderly for me to live with Nicole (God's sov) and for us to live very modestly, getting by with what we had. We are both pretty simple living kinda gals. Plus she was awesome at teaching me things and helping me with things (like hard boiling eggs and defrosting refrigerators) without babying me, which was just what I needed.

This summer I learned about and spoke about what it means to be empowered by God to do the work He has called us to do. And how decent and in order! Because coming back to the Dominican Republic after a successful summer in Indianapolis I was feeling insufficiently prepared for this task ahead - teaching these 90 children with grace and patience and without yelling. But God knew that I would be having those doubts which is why He spoke to me and had me speak about being empowered to take what I have and use it for His glory.

Decently and in order.

For me, today, this verse and this blog post are just another way of celebrating God's sovereign provision. He always gives us what we need when we need it and for that I am so so thankful. If I were always in charge of what I received I would be such a bigger mess. I am thankful that God doesn't ask my permission in many areas of my life but just blesses. Decently and in order. Just when I need it. Just how I need it. Even before I see my need.

And by following His example, I can set my days up decently and in order. So that first things get done first and unimportant things don't take the place of important things. Now that I have a working laptop and oodles of free time, this practice of prioritizing is vital. 

JoAnn's Fabrics used to have craft class on Saturday mornings. My friend's mom took us once or twice and I remember one December morning making this crazy reindeer out of felt and jingle bells. The reindeer had three letters hanging from it - J  O  Y. My mom hung it up in the kitchen and I was super proud. Later on in my youth group-saturated middle and high school years I heard over and over the best way to have JOY - by putting Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last. Every time I heard that acronym I would picture that reindeer hanging up in my kitchen and I'm thinking of that reindeer now as I think about doing things decently and in order.

Today "decently and in order" meant Bible before Prison Break. Maybe tomorrow "decently and in order" will mean helping a friend set up their classroom first and the beach second. "Decently and in order" might mean abandoning my decent and orderly lesson plans to take the opportunity to get to know my students by playing and laughing and singing with them. (One time last year we legitimately spent almost half of English class singing praise and worship songs in Spanish. Because He deserves it.) 

I guess what I can always count on is that "decently and in order" will always mean Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself (myself, really) last. And when we remember that, when we remember to seek first His kingdom and to highly esteem others as more important than ourselves, that is just about as decent and JOYful as it gets!

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bubbles!

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Garrett: If you could instantly master one skill, what would it be?

Alicia: Welding.

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God's truth is not a tightrope to be walked; it is an open space to be explored. Doctrinal statements should feel less like a balance beam and more like a floor routine. The boundaries certainly exist, but we do not need to tiptoe along them. We also do not need to move them closer and closer to constrict movement. Anyone can traverse a balance beam; but I would contend that God invites us to dance, flip, and move within the space He's provided.

Jack Legg, http://www.mulberrycommunity.com/2013/08/cedarville-university-falling-off.html

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It's good to be home

Here are a few things about today:

1. I forgot my camera. Boo. :(

2. I really like when people on the bus sing along with the radio.

3. My beach bag smells like a fish. 

4. Today I got to enjoy the beach with YouthWorks friends!! The coolest!

5. I had THREE successful phone calls IN SPANISH.

6. I made some new friends. One was a shoe shine boy at a park in La Romana. He asked if I was a Christian and I said, "Si. Y tu?" And he said, "Si, gracias a Dios." He didn't even ask me for any money! Another new friend I made was Odella, who is 85 years old and here on a mission trip. What a gal.

7. Tomorrow Kristin comes and we will all be reuinted! Hooray!

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Here's the thing about help

I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made the heaven and earth. - Psalm 121:1-2

Each week the Indianapolis YouthWorks staff got the opportunity to share a bit of their story with the groups. Thursday was my day and on two occasions I shared about something God taught me this past year. I shared about how when our hands are open to give, they are also open to receive. I shared about how God taught me this when He asked me to give a friend a decent amount of money even though I didn't think I had "enough" to sacrifice that much. I shared about how once I was willing to give the money, it wasn't even needed. I shared about how once I was willing to give the money, God gave me FIVE TIMES that much. The same day.

During that sharing time I told the participants that I was not sharing this story to make myself look good. I said, "Everything good in me is Jesus. The sharing money and the being happy at 6:45am while making waffles for 60 people is Jesus. The crabbiness and impatience is me."

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. - James 1:17 

Now, I realized that truth long ago that all of the good things I do or am are because of Jesus. But this morning this song was running through my head - I lift my eyes unto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. And I realized that not only do all of the good things in me come from God, but all of the times this summer that I responded in patience or reacted quickly to a situation that was getting out of hand or pulled everything together for club - that all of those things were God, too. That He was my help, even when I didn't want to admit that I needed help.

And I realized a couple of truths that can be pulled from this passage.

1. First, I look to something outside of myself for help. I lift my eyes to the hills. When I am struggling, when I am tired, when I am hot, when I am frustrated, when I have no clue how to proceed, I look past myself and to the hills. I look to God where I know I can find Him (in music, in others, in His Word, etc.).

2. My help comes from the Lord. As an external processor (aka someone who talks to themselves) at times I just need to say something out loud (and/or type it) to really realize it. My help comes from the Lord. My help comes from the Lord. When I look past myself (or even when I can't see past the stormy waters swirling around my head as I drown in my insufficiencies) God has already shown up and is already at work restoring me to His likeness. Any help, any forward motion, anything good or perfect in me comes from the Lord. And for that He deserves praise.

3. God is the maker of heaven and earth. He can do stinking anything. First of all, God can do stinking anything which means my piddly problems about misplaced cash or hurt feelings are a piece of cake for such a mighty God. Second of all, God can do stinking anything and yet He chooses to take care of my piddly problems. 

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. - Matthew 11:30

Jesus is all set. His yoke is easy. His burden is light. He's hanging out in heaven at the Father's right hand. And yet He chooses to take on our burdens. He invites us to hand over our yokes. The same God who created whales (seriously, whales are so big they blow my mind) and stars and planets and tides and gravity and friendship and laughter wants to handle your stuff. He keeps the world moving around and everything orbiting everything else and He really, honestly cares about your relationship with your roommate. 

Crazy.

Today, maybe you need to lift your eyes up to the hills. Maybe you're trying to solve this problem all on your own and you. are. struggling. Maybe you need to look outside yourself, look past the problem, and lift your eyes up to where God is waiting to take on your yoke. Acknowledge the good that He has placed in your life. Acknowledge the good work He has done in you. 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away, behold, the new has come. - 2 Corinthians 5:17

After all of that acknowledging, cast your freaking cares! Give 'em up! He wants them! He wants them all! And He can totally handle them. Once you get that guilt and shame and those mistakes off your chest and heart and mind you are free to receive the new creation things God has waiting for you. And those things are awesome and light. And I mean light in every sense of the word. They don't weigh very much and they illuminate all of God's goodness that resides in you.

Celebrate His death and rising. Lift your eyes proclaim His coming. Celebrate His death and rising. Lift your eyes, lift your eyes...

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Not on my Berk, you dip!

Things Alicia exclaims at Michael as he cracks an egg on her sandal

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Alicia: What's in that bag?

Me: I don't know.

Alicia: Can I eat it?

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"How blessed are you that you got them and now us? You could've gotten duds." - Things Michael Says About How Blessed I've Been with YouthWorks Staff Teams

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indianapolis museum of art.

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My fun fact is that one time an owl got stuck in my hair.

Things Alicia Says During Youth Orientation

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I'm a gang.

Things Alicia Says About Being A Gang

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Can we shower today?

Questions Site Directors Answer

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Me, Alicia, Juan, Michael. The 2013 YouthWorks Indianapolis team. AKA Indy JAMS. Today was our first full day in Indianapolis. We are feeling overwhelmingly blessed and welcome. We are also feeling great about our progressive preparedness. We are also feeling great about our housing site for the next month. St. John's United Church of Christ is pretty much the best YouthWorks housing site ever. We run this. And there's air conditioning. And church members who let us shower at their houses and feed us pizza.

Already God has taught me much though my staff team. Already I know this is going to be a great summer. And although I am trying hard not to think about it, already I am sad that in five weeks we'll be saying goodbye.

I am missing Strawberry and my apartment and friends and church family in San Pedro but remembering the 2012 YouthWorks theme - You Are Here! - and desiring to be present in this community at this time.

RAMP (YouthWorks training week) was great. YouthWorks people are fun. And they love Jesus. And they are great at sharing tips and tricks and funny stories and ways that God has shown up and been faithful in their lives.

I am blessed. I am blessed so that I can be a blessing. God is good.