Wow, MIA would be an understatement in my absence from this. I am a bit disappointed in myself, however, this time away has allowed me to do some serious learned. So as a disclaimer, this may be a bit long.
First for a general recap of where I physically have been... First off I work between a restaurant and in-home care for an older woman. And since I'm broke AF, I work doubles or generally just longs days. Potstickers, the restaurant, is still.. well.. postickers. And Dot, the 76 year old woman I care for, is the best thing to come into my life. Being with her has allowed me to learn how to be patient since she has hired me due to a stroke that left her visually impaired, and also feeling insecure about being alone. More times than not I'm consoling her because she is so frustrated with how she has lost her independence, because she was 100% independent prior, or cracking jokes. I have never felt that I was caring for some old woman who vegetates around her home. Honestly, I think Dot has given me a new look on patience and enjoying this moment, right now.
Physically, everyday I've been kind of just working. The gym was once a re-occurring thing.. trying to get back on that. Especially since I've been going out enough to the point my tolerance is almost too much (oops). Probs because last semester I had no time or life for booze. Oh well. However, over these last few weeks, something internal has happened...
God, that feels weird to see in black and white. But, it's true. Now,it may not seem like it to my friends around me because I have been a mess.. like I'm talking bawling my eyes out and not making sense when I talk. I actually thought I was going mad one night and honestly, its really embarassing... but all I could think about was how someone put it to me.. healing starts when the wound is completed picked clean of the "gunk" (for lack of better words) that is causing infections, well repression in most causes, and once the wound is vulnerable, your body is able to recognize the process to close up the open space and leave a scar to remind you of this injury for you should never forget but use it as fuel to move on.
A huge part of the crying was because I could honestly feel pain leaving me. The pain of constantly feeling the need to control, or have the upper hand in situations. The pain of feeling judged for acting/talking/ being a certain way. The pain of being so critical of myself. You see, like I've said in another post, I spent about 15 of my almost 20 years of life being the adult. Caring for an alcoholic while managing to push myself to function in school, get good grades, do extracurriculars, etc... just because I wanted to one day have this holy grail of "normal life." Though, being in college has allowed me to start to take from this said grail... and its terrifying. Never had I allowed myself to just enjoy a moment, or not plan the next thing to happen, or even just a pat on the back for a job well done. I have this constant fear that if I don't criticize myself I can't be better or I will become lazy.
I finally have taken the time to slow down time.
Physics will tell you thats impossible, but I think im crazy anyways... so roll with me on this. I finally took time to slow myself down. For so long I had to be the adult. I had to cook, clean (well be hygienic), get my home motivated for the day...I had to be more than myself. So much more than myself that I lost ME. It's intimidating to me to think that if I don't overthink/ analyze or go over situations or conversations or anything that I am not doing my best and I don't deserve the best.
Well... fuck. that. shit.
I have finally realized this is my life for me to live. Yes, I'm use to being dealt some shitty hands, but 'tis life. And better yet, I love myself more for that. This past weekend I went to rutgers and then a friends birthday gathering, and I remember twice just sitting, in the moment, surrounded by friends, laughing until I cried, and saying to myself "I feel whole." You see, I have been battling this monster since I moved out of my home that was essentially myself...I have felt empty because the childhood that most people use to learn normal life lessons, I pretty much lost. Now, I don't hate having an old soul, but it constantly made me think something was wrong with me... like to the point that I thought I was going to be alone for the rest of forever.. which of course after cookies, ice cream, and a good cry later, I understand it absurd. But I want to replace the "alone" with "empty." To quote my favsie rapper, Miss Nicki Minaj, "I am no longer tryin to survive, I believe that life is a prize, but to live doesnt mean that you're alive." It's true! SO many times are we on autopilot... wake up, go to work, possibly get swol at the gym, eat din, watch some trash TV, shower???, bed and repeat. I know during the semester I hit autopilot because I have so much going on I can't stop.
Wrong. Stop and smell the rose, coffee, etc.
For most of you who read this.. we're in college! Or twenties! Or just fucking awesome. There is no need to ever hit autopilot on life. I took time to reflect many times prior to hopping back into this blog on when last time I truly felt on top of things... and I tend to go back to when I had to be ontop of things.. when my father passed away. It was May 2010.. well basically June when I returned back to reality... and I remember I just started to take unnecessary negatives out of my life such as people or stressors. I started telling it more how it is because I was over people walking all over me. It perhaps didn't help that this was the same year I broke up with my first love of almost 3 years... but I felt this need for self "filling" that convincing that all I needed in life were those willing to support me through the absolute shit such as Papa passing away, my alcoholics manic stages, applying for college, oh yeah still being a high schooler, and moving on with life. By the way, quick shout out to my best friend at home, Sarah... you are my fucking rock. I honestly don't know how I would have made it to my next chapter here in Delaware without you. I love you.
However, after reflecting back on my bad bitch term during 2010-2011 and moving into my freshman year.. all I saw was a callous, brash girl. Now, I would like to take that idgaf (for you old folk, the acronym is i dont give a fuck) attitude, the confidence, and pride I had during that period and apply it to now. Because after going through freshman year, where I was vulnerable thinking that I was going to find this massive amount of people who were going to be like my group in highschool which didn't turn out to be my fairytale friendships, I realized that most of that persona was a way to cover up this emptiness. Then I found Delta Gamma <3 xoxoxoxoxo okay enough cheesiness... Regardless.
But, isn't funny.. since high school til now I have seen the way most people have filled themselves up.. and its not with strong, loyal friendships or forever memories.. nope. Its a significant other. Which yes, makes me barf.. but who doesn't want to be all ooey-gooey inlove right? Well, part of my project I am going to dedicate until the end of the year in why people want and dont want relationships because I want to see why it is that my generation of twenty-year-olds seeks fulfillment in relationships with another > enjoying or moment. Was its the end of the world hoop-la? I don't know, but stay tuned because I'm curious too. I of course would love to find someone and share that blissful love rose colored glasses love with, but I'm realizing how blessed I am as is. Plus, if it were meant for everyone right now right here in this moment, then it would be easier. But just like happiness, you must work at it for success... and honestly I want to work on the people that I find now, here in delaware, that I can surround myself in for support and love for the rest of my life. Chew on that for a moment.
Overall, I found that for me a lot of happiness revolves around love. Love for one's self. Love for others. Love for now. Love for later. I think I am going to take this fuel and progress forward. See how relationships blossom and pick peoples brains about happiness and more so focus on love. SO IF YOU HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR.. thank yaaaa. I plan on sending out some surveymonkey surveys sooner than later. I'm also going to upload some vids that inspired me...and of course analyze a picture. Til next time!
ps. just a shout out to my big, who is honestly one of the best people who I am so blessed to have in my life. Shout out to my sisters who I have been connected at the hip to this second half of summer, y'all put up with my dumbass and i love yaaa (LITB), and shout out to those of you who are sincerely just enjoying summer. The semester is weeks away so dont forget, you owe it to yourself relish this time of little commitments and the people around.
pps. from the last post.. yes that boy has tried yet another time (we're on 5th try) to get some booty. Like honesty? kbai.