Thirteen Reasons for Happiness in 2013

Besides this being an assignment for my Art of Happiness class, I recently finished up a book called "The Happiness Project" written by Gretchen Rubin. Of course, talking about happiness and reading about happiness felt a little silly at first, but with the high stress I faced pre-college and now college stress, I think it's important at this age to discover it-- happiness that is. I'm finally ready to indulge on a journey to figuring out the good, the bad, and sometimes ugly -- a little cliche, I'm aware. My goal is not to have a "New Year New Me!" outlook, but to be the best version of myself, learn how to be the best version on myself, and even more so, let 2013 be that first step towards greater health (and of course happiness). Each month I will have a theme, or short term goal, to follow/accomplish for the month. In doing so, I will also follow my guidelines. If I haven't over-killed the word Happy yet, then feel free to stick around, read up on my journey, and write in to tell me about yours. Posts will be updated every 2-3 days.

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some videos to check out

yay happiness!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHv6vTKD6lg&feature=youtu.be

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApoYwEeDNrc

im going to go ahead and give myself the diagnosis of cute aggression because i may or may not squeeze puppies/dogs every time i see them.. dgaf.

[2013happinessproject]

Hehe, I put this on Instagram... I do admit, I've been a tad obsessive with gramming lately. No shame. Anywhoo... taking pictures for me lately has given me solace. Like I said in my last post... I just want to slow down my thought, slow down time. Pictures are perfect; they give you the ability to freeze a moment. Pictures allow you to look back a captured scene and reflect which can allow for reflection and of course, nostalgia. I specifically love this moment though... Purple and green are my favorite colors and if you dont know this fun fact about me, my obsession with sunflowers is out of this world. But not the reason I wanted to capture this moment. No, this moment allowed me to think of the simplicity yet the satisfaction of candles. Most people use candles to... set the mood (oh babyyyyy.) One of my close friends uses them to unwind because although candles are a source of light, the energy of the dim flame dancing on the wax seems to relax our minds. Candles also add scent. Scent is very powerful for human emotion. Think about it, there is one dish you love that if you had a wiff of it in a poor situation you would find instant solace since it would trigger a positive connection to something... like if your grandma makes cookies that are fucking delicious so every time you smell cookies you feel like you're that child who's waiting for grandma to let you lick the spoon while the cookies bake, ya know? Anyways... the last final thing to appreciate candles.. and of course i love this because Im a micromanager.. that you have the power at any given moment to put them out. It is also in your power to light/relight them. So essentially, you are the ultimate piece in the scent being released or subsided, you are the ultimate piece in allow for the flame to dance, and you are the ultimate piece in understanding the importance and comfort burning wax is for yourself. I recently read this book on treating yourself.. hell the other day I took a bath...I meant I barely fit in my tub, but that time with yourself, just like sitting by candlelight to unwind, is essential in filling yourself back up with love, care, and of course happiness. So, what have you done today for yourself to fill up?  

[2013happinessproject]

It's August, wutt?

Wow, MIA would be an understatement in my absence from this. I am a bit disappointed in myself, however, this time away has allowed me to do some serious learned. So as a disclaimer, this may be a bit long. 

First for a general recap of where I physically have been... First off I work between a restaurant and in-home care for an older woman. And since I'm broke AF, I work doubles or generally just longs days. Potstickers, the restaurant, is still.. well.. postickers. And Dot, the 76 year old woman I care for, is the best thing to come into my life. Being with her has allowed me to learn how to be patient since she has hired me due to a stroke that left her visually impaired, and also feeling insecure about being alone. More times than not I'm consoling her because she is so frustrated with how she has lost her independence, because she was 100% independent prior, or cracking jokes. I have never felt that I was caring for some old woman who vegetates around her home. Honestly, I think Dot has given me a new look on patience and enjoying this moment, right now.

Physically, everyday I've been kind of just working. The gym was once a re-occurring thing.. trying to get back on that. Especially since I've been going out enough to the point my tolerance is almost too much (oops). Probs because last semester I had no time or life for booze. Oh well. However, over these last few weeks, something internal has happened...

I've begun to heal.

God, that feels weird to see in black and white. But, it's true. Now,it may not seem like it to my friends around me because I have been a mess.. like I'm talking bawling my eyes out and not making sense when I talk. I actually thought I was going mad one night and honestly, its really embarassing... but all I could think about was how someone put it to me.. healing starts when the wound is completed picked clean of the "gunk" (for lack of better words) that is causing infections, well repression in most causes, and once the wound is vulnerable, your body is able to recognize the process to close up the open space and leave a scar to remind you of this injury for you should never forget but use it as fuel to move on. 

A huge part of the crying was because I could honestly feel pain leaving me. The pain of constantly feeling the need to control, or have the upper hand in situations. The pain of feeling judged for acting/talking/ being a certain way. The pain of being so critical of myself. You see, like I've said in another post, I spent about 15 of my almost 20 years of life being the adult. Caring for an alcoholic while managing to push myself to function in school, get good grades, do extracurriculars, etc... just because I wanted to one day have this holy grail of "normal life." Though, being in college has allowed me to start to take from this said grail... and its terrifying. Never had I allowed myself to just enjoy a moment, or not plan the next thing to happen, or even just a pat on the back for a job well done. I have this constant fear that if I don't criticize myself I can't be better or I will become lazy. 

I finally have taken the time to slow down time.

Physics will tell you thats impossible, but I think im crazy anyways... so roll with me on this. I finally took time to slow myself down. For so long I had to be the adult. I had to cook, clean (well be hygienic), get my home motivated for the day...I had to be more than myself. So much more than myself that I lost ME. It's intimidating to me to think that if I don't overthink/ analyze or go over situations or conversations or anything that I am not doing my best and I don't deserve the best.

Well... fuck. that. shit.

I have finally realized this is my life for me to live. Yes, I'm use to being dealt some shitty hands, but 'tis life. And better yet, I love myself more for that. This past weekend I went to rutgers and then a friends birthday gathering, and I remember twice just sitting, in the moment, surrounded by friends, laughing until I cried, and saying to myself "I feel whole." You see, I have been battling this monster since I moved out of my home that was essentially myself...I have felt empty because the childhood that most people use to learn normal life lessons, I pretty much lost. Now, I don't hate having an old soul, but it constantly made me think something was wrong with me... like to the point that I thought I was going to be alone for the rest of forever.. which of course after cookies, ice cream, and a good cry later, I understand it absurd. But I want to replace the "alone" with "empty." To quote my favsie rapper, Miss Nicki Minaj, "I am no longer tryin to survive, I believe that life is a prize, but to live doesnt mean that you're alive." It's true! SO many times are we on autopilot... wake up, go to work, possibly get swol at the gym, eat din, watch some trash TV, shower???, bed and repeat. I know during the semester I hit autopilot because I have so much going on I can't stop. 

Wrong. Stop and smell the rose, coffee, etc.

For most of you who read this.. we're in college! Or twenties! Or just fucking awesome. There is no need to ever hit autopilot on life. I took time to reflect many times prior to hopping back into this blog on when last time I truly felt on top of things... and I tend to go back to when I had to be ontop of things.. when my father passed away. It was May 2010.. well basically June when I returned back to reality... and I remember I just started to take unnecessary negatives out of my life such as people or stressors. I started telling it more how it is because I was over people walking all over me. It perhaps didn't help that this was the same year I broke up with my first love of almost 3 years... but I felt this need for self "filling" that convincing that all I needed in life were those willing to support me through the absolute shit such as Papa passing away, my alcoholics manic stages, applying for college, oh yeah still being a high schooler, and moving on with life. By the way, quick shout out to my best friend at home, Sarah... you are my fucking rock. I honestly don't know how I would have made it to my next chapter here in Delaware without you. I love you.

However, after reflecting back on my bad bitch term during 2010-2011 and moving into my freshman year.. all I saw was a callous, brash girl. Now, I would like to take that idgaf (for you old folk, the acronym is i dont give a fuck) attitude, the confidence, and pride I had during that period and apply it to now. Because after going through freshman year, where I was vulnerable thinking that I was going to find this massive amount of people who were going to be like my group in highschool which didn't turn out to be my fairytale friendships, I realized that most of that persona was a way to cover up this emptiness. Then I found Delta Gamma <3 xoxoxoxoxo okay enough cheesiness... Regardless. 

But, isn't funny.. since high school til now I have seen the way most people have filled themselves up.. and its not with strong, loyal friendships or forever memories.. nope. Its a significant other. Which yes, makes me barf.. but who doesn't want to be all ooey-gooey inlove right? Well, part of my project I am going to dedicate until the end of the year in why people want and dont want relationships because I want to see why it is that my generation of twenty-year-olds seeks fulfillment in relationships with another > enjoying or moment. Was its the end of the world hoop-la? I don't know, but stay tuned because I'm curious too. I of course would love to find someone and share that blissful love rose colored glasses love with, but I'm realizing how blessed I am as is. Plus, if it were meant for everyone right now right here in this moment, then it would be easier. But just like happiness, you must work at it for success... and honestly I want to work on the people that I find now, here in delaware, that I can surround myself in for support and love for the rest of my life. Chew on that for a moment.

Overall, I found that for me a lot of happiness revolves around love. Love for one's self. Love for others. Love for now. Love for later. I think I am going to take this fuel and progress forward. See how relationships blossom and pick peoples brains about happiness and more so focus on love. SO IF YOU HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR.. thank yaaaa. I plan on sending out some surveymonkey surveys sooner than later. I'm also going to upload some vids that inspired me...and of course analyze a picture. Til next time!

ps. just a shout out to my big, who is honestly one of the best people who I am so blessed to have in my life. Shout out to my sisters who I have been connected at the hip to this second half of summer, y'all put up with my dumbass and i love yaaa (LITB), and shout out to those of you who are sincerely just enjoying summer. The semester is weeks away so dont forget, you owe it to yourself relish this time of little commitments and the people around.

pps. from the last post.. yes that boy has tried yet another time (we're on 5th try) to get some booty. Like honesty? kbai. 

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Honestly, I just think this is perfect to sum up my estrogen-driven anger of my recent posting. I'm pretty sure it sums up my point. Goodday ya'll.

[2013happinessproject]

Rainy day

Only in newark would it be down pouring on a Friday.. oye vay. At least its pay day and im free for the weekend.

So I'm moved into my house.. and I love it. Its mine and homey and just... great :) I'm really looking forward to what this next year has in store. Its exciting you know, like a new slate... except I'm in the same town, around pretty much the same people, and doing the same shit different day deal. But the fact that there's so much room for great things to happen (bad things too I 'spose) and that not of it has been determined. It's liberating, ya know? Anyways... what shall I rant today...

I think boys. Perhaps because I'm full of estrogen from PMSing, but I just need to let it out. Let's start with fortune cookie boy. Get ready.

So, casually working one night at my restaurant, a family came in. Per usual, I said hello.. and well judged them. It's one thing when people smile and return that salutation, but believe it or not most don't... that rant is for another blog entry. Anyways, one of the people in the party was a cute guy. Now as I sat them, and I kept walking by I was like damn, this boy looks like my go-to-type right? I tell my coworkers, they get all giddy because they have wanted to hook me up with someone forever... and next thing I know they're taking a fortune cookie, taking the fortune so gently out of it, and taking a small slip of paper with my name and number and placing it into the cookie and delivering it right to him... oh did I mention I'm pretty sure it's this boy's birthday? Yep. CUTEST STORY EVER RIGHT? I know. A couple days later, I got a text! Yes, I'll admit after I was like "uh who are you random person" I do have to say, I got excited. I have never done the spontaneous give-a-guy-my-number thing before. Proud of myself, and now talking to this guy, and growing a pair to ask him to hangout and you would think the results are success right? WRONG. WRONGGGGGGGGGGGG. I tried a couple more times, because we initially started talking during finals (awful timing) and then nope, home boy just left me up in the air. Not that I'm bitter, because I'm proud of myself for being brave to make any moves... but what the heck a girl gives you her number via fortune cookie (holy cute) and then asks YOU to coffee or better yet I asked for a walk in white clay creek (holy double fucking cute) and then nothing. Boo, you dumb boy.

Next boy to analyze. I was talking with this one boy (and if your reading this and get all pissy im talking about it, your fault for opening this) who I knew freshman year, and we always joked and talked friendly but then he asked me out to lunch. Then he invited me to lunch, and he seemed a little different then the lost cause he was last year. Then we started I guess talking? if you will.. hung out... and then two weeks later I had a weird feeling he was being strange and sure enough I was right. He admitted to me that he was trying to hook up with another girl that night and then when she turned him down he asked me to hangout. Don't worry, I told him he was out his damn mind. And then nope, it didnt stop there! I got texts, or FB messages with smilleys or wishing me luck on exams.. which was super nice! And honestly after fortune cookie boy, I didn't want to leave him hanging for just being nice. Then, he tries at it again. And AGAIN we end up at the point where I tell him I'm looking to just either enjoy my life as is or being in something serious with someone. And he AGAIN lets me know that all he wanted was some "hot sex, honestly." Well honestly sir, I would love some too, but not with some shit-empty-headed-mother-fucker like yourself. Oh and he preceded to tell me to tell me all dudes are the same, I said thank you, and he said im glad to help. GFY. figure that acronym out, shithead.

And then one of my sisters last night, post wine-tasting, inspired me to get a tinder. I saw what the hell since my luck with boys is absolute shit anyways, and I have to tell you, tinder is the funniest shit ever. Of course getting a match. is nice. However, first match heres our convo (real life promise)

him: hey! youre cute!

me: haha thanks, whats up

him: ha your welcome! nothing layin in bed watching mlb, you?

so obvi at this point im like... oh in bed are we? So this convo is gonna go in that direction.. and it did. Now, I LOVE me a baseball boy, you can blame my first love for that, but literally the whole convo no matter what way I directed it, it was aimed towards sex.

ARE ALL GUYS THE SAME? HOLY SHIT.

I'm all about sex and a good time, but I'm just over my freshman year phase, fellas. And of course my girlfriends either a) have fun and dont care to settle or b) "use this time to understand you" spiel. I'm all about enjoying myself and letting chance and fate cross at some point, however how the heck did I end up crossing my paths with these guys. Meep. Whatever, I honestly don't give a fuck what happens today or tomorrow with whatever guy, but my Papa raised me to respect myself and gentlemen, word to ya dick, women will put out if you just act like ...gentleman! Buy me a dinner, hold the door, do something nice! And boom, naked chick in your bed. Then again, I want real love, and if you're all the same, then it wouldn't be worth it.

Anyways, that was a full fledged bitch rant about males. From the stranger getting my number, to a boy I knew, to an app. Now, I'm off to eat more chocolate, and watch sappy MTV shows.

ps to the shit head who I was talking to, NOI do not want to just hook up. Oh and you "just want to pleasure [me]" it would be a pleasure for you to fuck off, honestly.

[2013happinessproject]

Yeah, if only I looked this peaceful packing. And had a perfect little pup waiting in a box for me.. man that would be great. ALAS, I don't have a pup, and my hair is a lot better than this chick's hair-do. But I chose this picture because I think it sums how we view stressors, like packing. NO ONE FRIGGIN LIKES PACKING. I don't care who you are, you don't. Cause, like, what if you need to get into your box for something, like me since I lost the !#$%^#$%^&*&^%$#$^& title to my POS car and need it to junk it (fuck my life, I know) or like, I have so much anxiety about how all my shit is just sitting in the living room... just sitting. My room is empty and dull. Plus, who the HELL likes picking up things and putting them down.. besides meatheads.. and athletes... anyways. You gotta carry all those damn boxes from one place to the next, and I live on the third floor in my current apartment and then in my house im on the second. WOOF. Whatever, its an exercise day, right? Anyways, I feel like I'm so quick to say "man this sucks" but really, moving is exciting! Its a fresh start. I get to arrange furniture around and figure out the set up of my new room. Plus, its the mark that summer has started and my best friend from freshman year is living with me, this summer has so much potential! Above all, I'm getting a damn fire pit for smores even if it kills me. Wine and smores all summer long. Hells yes. Anyways, yeah I'm gonna sweat and be sore and be stuck in boxes for a week, but its the mark of a new start, and that alone is truly amazing.  

[2013happinessproject]

A new chapter

Look at me, updating just about a week or two later.. go me!

Anyways, I finished up the semester and... drum roll please.. I AM STILL A NURSING STUDENT. Hot damn. I know, its pretty lame, but I was so anxious thinking that I was gonna get kicked out of the nursing program. And I didn't. So touchdown dance for me. 

Where have I been gone to? Well, I went home, brought big with me! And have so much fun. Oh, minus the fact that my car DIED ON 95. Literally, 20 exits away from my mom's house and Bertha (my car) just shuts down, I lost powersteering, and had to pull over. After some bullshit mechanics looked it over, they said 3000$ for a new engine.. obvs we were like fux that. Then began the hunt for a new car... and now I have a 98 Jeep Grand Cherokee. Another hot damn. Shes great, I love her, and most importantly she got me and big home. phewf.

While I was home, I saw my best friend Sarah and her adorable dog, Lucy. I say my sibblings. Ate great food. Slept and watched TV aka living the dream... and yeah. Just enjoyed life. It was fantastic. OH and drop by T-Swifts new abode. Pretty rad, I know. 

But now Im back in Delly... packing up my apartment getting ready for my move to my house for next year. I am so excited but moving is so stressful and the day I'm moving its suppose to be hot as hell... oh well a year ago I was moving myself into my first apartment... daw memories. I can't believe how much has changed in a year! 

So, wrapping up may, this school year has been crazy and hard, but I am so proud of where I am at. More importantly, I'm looking forward to enjoying the shit out of this summer and keeping up with this to make it a better habit. For now, back to packing and getting ready for the big move on Friday. Til then! 

xo

[2013happinessproject]

these pretty much sum up what has gone on in the time I have missed on this! The top photo is the sun rise in Mississppi -- take me back! The scary picture.. yep Airband. That handsome fella? This was taken with one of my favorite of Blue Hen Ambassadors, we all work in admissions at school.. basically my second family. Oh then comes me and some cute patooties; me and these babes are at greek games day. Yeah, I know, my hat is awesome. Then, last but not least, a picture of everyone from my alternative trip on the boat which I spent a full day on. Love the ocean and this group! Honestly, looking back, I had two months full of amazing memories. I'm really grateful. until next time! xo

[2013happinessproject]

Oh boy..

welp, this is embarrassing.. I've been MIA for what-- two months? Yikes.

I actually fulfilled my "March" happiness, which I'll get too.. ill sum up the last couple months in this post.. but I don't want to make it a long, winded blog post on minuscule details. This semester got crazy in April. Gotta love nursing school, oye.

SO TO RECAP:

March:

In the month of march, I took the time to understand what it means to be a volunteer versus being forced to do community service. At UD we have a program called UDAB, University of Delaware Alternative Breaks. What happens is, during spring break, you spend your whole time away doing a service project. I went to Mississippi. Words cannot explain what that trip did for me. Beside getting a tan and going in the water, I reconnected with myself while Doing Good (lolz Delta Gamma reference, couldn't resist...) We went down in hope of environmental service. It was titled "gulf coast restoration" so, in my mind I'm thinking that we're going to see the effect of the BP oil spill or something. The heart of the trip was focusing on how to rebuild after Hurricane Katrina. Very long story short, we used oyster shells in chicken wire (approx 45 lbs each, got my work out in holler) and planted them along the coast of a devastated island. You see, the islands are what really protect our coast. They slow down hurricanes and keep back the ocean. Hurricane Katrina literally cut  this one island we worked on IN HALF and, I walked about about a football field out into the bay and barely went above my knees. It was seriously unbelievable what I was doing because Katrina happened back when I was still in high school... so crazy. The trip also reminded me of why I appreciate nature. I forgot how incredible it is to sit still and just enjoy the surroundings; quite spiritual and brought me to a center with myself. 

April:

Get back from spring break, and "I'm like whaddup I got... A MILLION THINGS DUE." Thanks Macklemore for that... anyways. Yes, April was absolute hell month. People complain of "hell week," in April alone I had 6 exams and 3 assignments due.Sounds like I'm the one now bitching right? Yes.. sorta.. but still! I had so much on my plate with nursing I literally dropped off the face of the earth. Sorta of. And then of course everything Greek related happens in April like... AIR-FUCKING-BAND WOO. The one great success I can honestly pull to my happiness for April. I was one of the choreographers for this dance competition that greek life participates in, and sweet baby jesus, I'm a proud mama. We worked hard, of course with a bunch of girls A LOT of estrogen was occurring at all times.. but I had so many people make a point to tell me how they felt it was a great improvement and entertaining. It also reminded me of why I love dance. It brings out a leader and a passion in me that is indescribable. Its like my heart, mind, and soul all energize each other.. okay deep-- woah. Anyways, even if I got annihilated by exams, I worked my ass off and that's what matters most. 

May:

Oh hey, finally caught up.. sorta. This month I really got my shit together to kick some serious ass for exams and assignments. Even though my GPA isn't stellar, all I want to do with my life is be a nurse. Y'know, I use to want to be a police officer. Too many people have told me my first impression is either a sweetheart or a "badass to not fuck with" (thats a direct quote) Its flattering! And I cant see myself being passionate about it, but there's something that's truly special to the science of Nursing and to the care of other whom are sick that really makes me feel complete. In lab, I feel like I am where I'm meant to be... if that is even english. Yes, my classes are hard as hell, but if it were easy, anyone could do it. To top it off, I learned that I'm interning at A. I. DuPont children's hospital in the fall and I honestly couldn't be happier. This semester  I felt a loss of passion.. and honestly it was really frustrating, but after working my ass off, being a part of my chapter's success.. I really feel that fire back in my heart.

SO WHY AM I RETURNING TO THIS? 

I owe it to myself to finish this out. Tomorrow (well now today.. I need to go to bed..) my Big and I taking a road trip home! I can't wait to show her New England and specifically my home, where I grew up. I want to take June to explore what I saw went "wrong" in the last few months so that in the fall, and even just in my ADLs (nursing for "activities of daily living".. nerding I know) I can be more successful. I also want to go back to learning to love myself. Its a practice everyday, and because I had a run-down month, I've lost some touch with that. Its almost halfway through 2013, I need to keep it up!

lots of pictures are now coming.. woot. I'll explore one later.. hopefully. hehe

xo

[2013happinessproject]

VACANT!!! I almost forgot what club Morris looks like at midnight...well Im not 100% happy with my work but I learned a lesson and am going to improve. Again, no fun metaphors tonight, but tomorrow, get readyyy!

[2013happinessproject]

has it really been almost two weeks?

Gawsh.. I really have to stay ontop of this. In relation: one of my biggest goals was to stay ontop of things. I truly find happiness when I set myself up for success by taking my time and planning things out. After recruitment though, it has felt like a whirlwind. It is still early in the game though, I gotta get better control over that. Thank goodness for March, the month where I will explore luck and good karma!

As February winds down, I am getting excited for tomorrow's blog post... because it's my first reflection blog! I will evaluate all that I've blogged about and even some personal experiences. I have felt a boost in happiness just from these small things, and hopefully can carry that over to next month.

Unfortunately, I don't have an amazing metaphor for tonight's post.. you see, I just completed a patho chart.. basically in Nursing you have to take an assigned disease, and break it down to the microscopic level and chart it? It makes sense if you do it. Needless to say, I think my brain is about to melt out of my ears...yikes. But, again, I am going to make a conscious effort to get back ontop of things. Especially because this month I don't work weekend nights. HOLLER. Last Saturday I worked 12.5 hours straight.. my paycheck better be juicy. Sometimes I do get frustrated with how I have to work, go to school, be a better student, bills, mrehhhhhh, but at the same time, it was going to happen eventually. 

So where's my love and happiness right now? I'll dive more into that tomorrow night, but I have created a survey so that people can anonymously tell me their thoughts on this topic! It has been amazing!!! My perspective has grown and I kid you, I'm sitting in the library at midnight with a HUGE grin across my face because of how awesome the responses have been. For tomorrow, I plan on answering the questions myself and put into perspective my responder's well... responses. 

If you can't tell by now, I'm exhausted. I needed to update this though! So, stay tuned for tomorrow, its going to be great :)

"Renew, release, let go. Yesterdays gone. Theres nothing you can do to bring it back. You cant shouldve done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!"

-Steve Maraboli

[2013happinessproject]

It's funny to think that some guy/chick thought up minions. They are tic-tacs with overalls, googles, and three fingers. Yet, they have much more depth. Gru would be nothing without theses fantastic.... creatures (?). Do you think Gru knows each of them? Do you think he takes time to know his supporters? It's funny to think how many people truly care and want you to succeed, and my favorite scene from this movie (IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MOVIE IM TALKING ABOUT--- GAH I DONT EVEN KNOW, GOOGLE IT!) is when he individually kisses them good night. I think my take-away from this is to start appreciate those people who tapped me today, though I don't know who you are, but show you love and appreciation back by being a supporter back. It's one of my morals that I want to keep up with: Seek Support, Be Support. Until next time! 

[2013happinessproject]

the power of tea

You know, sometimes I wonder why someone hasn't engineered an IV made specifically for coffee or tea. Oh tea.. at 8 am, you're there for me. Or at 6 pm when I need a second wind to take on studying.. or yolu're there to put me to sleep (sleepy time tea is my shit). Needless to say I should cut the "middle-man" of a cup/mug and just get it in my body. 

So, why rant about tea? Well, I did start my day, almost forgetting it while dashing out of Dunkin Donuts since I was late for one of my two jobs. Get to work, sip, and then onto my next job. The first job is at admissions at my school, which I love with my entire being, but my other job not so much... its in a restaurant. I love the fast paced atmosphere of a restaurant, but since day one of me working at this place, I have mad mistakes (another insecurity of mine)... so many that my coworkers seem to think I'm, well frankly, an idiot. This makes me livid, I'm a damn Nursing Student.. whatever, since then before I enter work I tell myself, its going to be okay.. and today I did that with a little bit of tea.

Tea is warm, and I take mine sweet. In one sip, I have instant security. My Papa and I use to make sea a lot, so often times one sip brings me to a place of strength and courage... anyways. If I had not made the motion of tea from its safe, sitting spot on the counter to my mouth, which I savored, I would never be able to get to that place. So, let me correlate tea with where I'm at in life...

Tonight, after work, I had a recruitment practice (did I mention right now Delta Gamma owns my life? Secondary to Nursing school of course...) where halfway through our adviser led an incredible experience. I have read about workshops like this... everyone in the room sits with their eyes closes while a select few go around, reaching out and tapping those who have their eyes closed. Each tap signifies how someone feels, for example, our adviser would say "reach out and touch someone who inspires you" and around the tappers would go, tapping various sisters. You can only imagine how much I bawled my and eyes out. This was incredible. Tap after tap, with my eyes closed, I experienced love in a way that I experience the love of my tea. You see, with my eyes closed, I had no idea who was tapping me. Everyone sat silently.. sometimes the taps would be very loving, I swear I felt love passed from someone through their hand, to my shoulder. Sometimes they were quick, as if they were hesitant to let me know, but felt safe with my eyes closed. The best was "touch someone who makes you laugh" and I got a tap that was  more like a slap, but I knew who it was, what they were referencing, the whole nine yards.. in a simple touch.. just like in a sip of tea. In one motion, with my eyes closed, I take one sip which fills me with warmth and brings me to a place of when I had security with Papa. In one tap, with my eyes closed, the tap turns into an energy of love that as well brings me to a place of security. Today, I experienced love from my friends  sisters in a new, life-changing way. 

Now, I finish this blog up, while sipping some chamomile sleepy-time tea, Watching netflix ( grey's anatomy hayy), with the warmth of tea, and the warmth of understanding love in a new perspective. 

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I love strangeness. Why did I post of picture of a jar of pennies, you may ask yourself... well self.. I'll tell you. Today I was trying to talk about fears with someone, and how vulnerable it feels to focus on one and face it; I compared it to a jar of pennies. I know we all have a pile of change SOMEWHERE right? But, how often do we find ourselves using coins, or pennies for that matter. BUT, also think of how hard it is to let go of change.. its just always there right. Or, I compared it to thinking "I just want to find this one fear and face it, like finding a penny of a specific time such as 1873* (DG reference of hayy), and I CANT FIND IT because of all my other pennies." In order to find that specific fear, we must take our time, be patient, and as if penny by penny, face the rest of what life has thrown at us. We don't have to let go of this penny that we face, but wouldn't it be better to cash it in at a CoinStar or even throw it in a wishing well? Think about it. Facing out fears doesn't mean we let go of it, but ultimately it means that we allow to feel free from constriction like a jar. 

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this picture is from Sisterhood round (skit) of recruitment which took place on sunday! Everyone did fantastic!!! So proud to be a member of ZX DG <3

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MIA

Wow, it has been awhile! Another fellow blogger of mine gave me advice.. to not post everyday.. and then I got lazy. Perhaps I need to step up my game! 

So where have I been you may ask? RECRUITMENT. Delta Gamma/ UD Sorority Recruitment has had my full attention since wednesday. Let me tell you, I was afraid of recruitment because on the potential new member (PNM) side, I hated it. A lot. I am so grateful where I ended up, I know my life would not be the same without these amazing women, but being on the sister side is so much better. I only have to worry about MY chapter and OUR success. It was fantastic getting to meet a bunch of PNMs! Zeta Chi is working so hard and as fun as it is to have all this time together, jumping and cheering (which I am now feeling the repercussions of dayquil + sugar + screaming...) but I cannot wait for bid day. More importantly, just to get on to AIRBAND!!!!!!!! Air band is a big dance competitions between all the greeks during Greek Week and I am one of three choreographers for it. I think i've found my place in ZX, and it feels good. Anyways, I've talked so much about DG, and will continue to do so for the next weekend... I need to get back to my happiness project!

One thing I can most definitely correlate to happiness during recruitment (other than the fact that we had a great turnout!) was I faced a fear. Now, earlier in the month I posted about rejection, which is a fear many people have on a daily basis: do I ask a question in class? am I THAT person? do I say hello to someone I sort of know, what if they think im strange..? OYE VAY. One of my fears, my rejection fears, is not being good enough. I am deathly afraid of judgement. I FINALLY admit it. But, I wasn't always like this. I use to be the type to seriously not give a damn about people, what they thought of me, because I knew myself (you know as well as a high school senior could know themselves). I even have a tattoo which I am proud of, it says: I am who I am because of where I'e been, and for that soy hermosa (im beautiful). It's something I take away from my father and his passing; life isn't perfect. Our mistakes, our life lessons are what shape our beautiful journey. So, why is it I come to UD and feel super vulnerable. Let me open up a bit...

I have little girl memories. No, these do not consist of barbie dolls and little dresses and colorful leggings. As early as I can remember, I have had challenges in my life with parents who divorced when I was about five, then each developed their own issues: my father was physically abusive, and my mother had a bit of an addiction problem. NOW, keep in mind, I am not selling out their very real issues for pity, or to make it seem like I love them less... after all they gave me life. But what I am saying, is that my path has been quite.... different. I had to be the parent with my mom, which was a great lesson for me...however to this day I'm learning to accept other people who are handed things and take it for granted. I live on my own now, work two jobs, and face the fact of debt in the long wrong, but when you raise yourself and an alcoholic, you tend to drive yourself for better. With my father and his physical abuse, its part of why I have such a strong personality. Think of it, people give pit bulls a bad wrap, but most owners beat these helpless animals, so like pitbulls, I became a bit callous. Needless to say, I DO understand there will always be people out there who do better than me, and worse than me, and I am grateful every day for where I am: my dream school, may major, my sisterhood, my friends, etc. But now, I am cleaning out this wound that has manifested so much of my life. 

BACK TO REJECTION. Again, I don't open up for pity, I open up because I want people to know i am here, I am a shoulder to lean on, I understand, and I am here to give love because without those in my life giving me all I just said, I don't think I would have come out from my adversity. All my life, I worked to impress parents who we're really there to give me praise. So, knowing if I worked my ass off in high school, I could have something better, my passion was full blaze. Now, in college, I have lost a part of that because it's MY time now for me, and I became vulnerable leading to feeling judged, leading to this happiness project. I am DONE with this though, Im DONE with knowing I have spent a year and a half just worrying about other people and not myself which I did with my parents throughout high school. It's my time, I'm only going to worry about those opinions of my supporters. I'm hoping that airband gives me that drive again, both because dance is my passion, and because I feared greeks judging my choreo ability, but I'm facing the rejection because as long as I have my sisters, and they're happy with my decisions, im happy. 

OH and I still plan to do this experiment of giving out chocolate to guys on vday. I have to organize this asap though... hmm. And I plan to make a survey monkey or whatever to gain perception on people and how they see their relationships. Until next time, adios!

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who don't mind, matter." - Dr. Seuss 

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from an active sorority sister ~

This is a public service announcement for any PNMs who might be following sorority sugar:

My chapter is currently in the middle of formal recruitment, and it’s my first one on the other side. I found it really surprising how many PNMs were rude, inattentive,...

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Couldn't have said it better