Just completely disregard
I haven’t used tumblr in a long time, and have never really used it as a vessel for my sadness, but I’m assuming most people have ditched this platform, so I won’t be bothering anyone.
It’s hard to feel like I’m going to be able to maintain this facade that I don’t give a shit about what people think of me, that I don’t care that everybody that knows me hates talking to me, that I don’t feel completely and helplessly alone. It’s been easy to shirk aside because Teresa is a great partner, and I always had a place to escape, a person who was endlessly fascinated by me, and who I felt the same about. We grew with one another. But as with most relationships (friendships, romantic partnerships, or otherwise) dynamics change. This is not an inherently bad thing, I just feel with the unemployment, the unresolved feelings of guilt surrounding Ricky’s death, and the feeling of being an outsider as I try to be more social has largely robbed me of the emotional tools needed to acclimate to the changes. I’m so happy to see her flowering in a social sphere. She has always felt like a loser, and likes no one likes her, and all those feeling typical of anxious people like her, and now she has fostered a really cool community online. And honestly, our relationship had a problematic level of codependency, so all these changes are really for the best. But it’s hard not to act like a selfish child, and feel like I lost my partner in crime.
All the things we used to talk about, she talks with nom, or daniel about. All the things we used to do, I do with my friends, and she does with hers. And now when we try to do things as normal, we both feel a palpable disingenuousness to it all. Like we are merely playing our parts as boyfriend and girlfriend out of obligation, instead of genuinely enjoying each other’s company. And I get it, I’m a pretentious, narcissistic contrarian. Talking to me cannot really be characterized as particular “fun”, and her internet friends are. I’ll never be that, so what do I have to offer in return. Being support? Being the one that whenever she’s in a bad mood, I’ll listen, I’ll be a shoulder to cry on? I can do that, I derive immense amounts of pride from it, but I also want us to be able to have fun together. But what can I expect, I’m the one if you want to have long self reflective conversations where we all realize what pieces of shit we are, how meaningless our lives are, how little value we are. Why would I expect anyone to want to be around that, much less live with it.
But what is my alternative? It feels at this point like never saying how I feel, and just becoming a yes man. Blindly agreeing to anything, anyone tells me, just to get that momentary validation out of someone enjoying my company. Even if I have to lie to them to get it. I just don’t know. That sounds so pathetic and depressing. Is it just accept that this is my place in this world? Continue making everyone uncomfortable, and judged, and keep making the excuse that “well it’s just the way I am”. That sounds equally pathetic and depressing.
At the end of the day, I feel Teresa should be my main focus. She is what pulled me out of that dark place I was in pre-2015, and when things are going well between us, nothing can get me down. But what do I do? Try to act like what I perceive she wants of me? Didn’t she fall in love with me as I was, what if I just try to be nice and agreeable and she becomes bored of me? All the people in her life are rough around the edges, so she obviously like that about me. But what if this new social-Teresa makes her realize that she’s sick of all the bullshit, sick of this loser she has spend 4 years with.
I hate feeling so guilty for challenging her. I hate when she shuts down my opinions because she thinks there no point to us talking when we disagree. I hate feeling like the only people that want to hear what I have to say, are people that don’t know me, and are simply just not tired of my “schtick” yet. This has been weeks of this shit now, and it just feels like it’s getting worse with each passing week. To what end? When is the inevitable breaking point? And what will I do then.
I don’t know how to end this, I feel like I can blurts my feelings as nauseam at anytime, and it never makes me feel better. Why am I even here? I guess I’ll play video games or something, and pretend everything is fine.
