In That State of Mind @2366kc - Tumblr Blog

To the person that walked into my life 7 years ago when everything was falling in the right places.

Don’t ever come back to revisit and stay away from me.

My life is back at where that night was and better.

“If you could love the wrong person that much. Imagine how much you could love the right person.”

Wow.

I didn’t know what to expect for the reunion. I didn’t know if it was going to be great or not, or whether the turnout will be awesome. What I come to learn is that everyone was still in their own clicks, there’s still people who are sweeter than ever. I also started to see that the best people I never gave time to talk to, are some of the best people.

Little do each person know there, is that i secretly do care about each person. this is why, I wanted to be the DD for each person, I wanted to make sure everyone was alright, and i just wanted to make sure everyone was having a great time.

And it looked like everyone was! Truly a success.

Getting to know someone is probably one of my favorite things to do. It’s weird, but it really is. Ever since I was involved in Network Marketing, I fell in love with getting to know people. That was back in 2010 or 2011. i think it’s because i challenge myself to get to know someone within the first 10 minutes of talking to someone.

I have to say that being in Network Marketing really sets you up for meeting people easily. In addition, the relationships you build off of it, is just a little more sweeter.

I’ve been getting to know people here and there and it’s been awesome. There’s a few in particular that i’ve really been interested in getting to know. There’s this good heart i see, and I’m so drawn to that. There’s also this tenacity about ceratin people i’ve met that just make me really want to hang out with them.

The last couple days, i’ve been hanging out with someone from the office, and it’s been a breath of fresh air. i hang out with a lot of people, but to have a female counterpart that i enjoy being around is pretty sweet. I think moreso because there’s a genuine interest in getting to know each other. at least that’s what i’m getting. i could be wrong, but either way, it’s nice to be asked questions about my life and someone getting to know me and vice versa.

i can’t wait to see who else comes into my life. i’m trekking back on a road i know, a road that was so broken, that it’s nice to see it again. i’m enjoying it. and i’ll continue to enjoy this.

a normal has been made. and i’m starting to adjust fine. i wish i could tell this to my therapist, but i have not yet found one haha in my new insurance. but boy, i wish the person i was 2 years ago could have seen where i was going. maybe the healing process could have been expedited. lol.

grateful. that’s all i’m feeling again. that light that blew away, has a little flame again. this time around. i’m really protecting it and listening to my gut.

I watched Little Big Lies today.

I felt every bit uncomfortable watching that show, but i binged watched it. it was beautifully written and produced.

How’s it going?

I’m starting to understand the highs and lows of life. I mean it took me a while to really get it to click and a sink it, but I figured something out.

We all know the life is a journey of ups and downs and that’s what makes life exciting. But learning how to deal with the lows and learning to ride out the highs have been something I’ve been practicing on.

I’m currently riding a high from the Golf Tournament. I’ve always known myself to be an athlete and I will work my ass off to be the best athlete if I know I have the potential to be really really good at it.

It’s the competitive nature inside me and I started thinking about it. If I could have tapped into this realization a while back, I could have worked for something so worthwhile for my life.

If I understood the importance of self, I may have been further in athletics that parts of my dreams would come true.

But I understand that God has my path already planned out. I hope to see a beautiful result in the future. But time will tell, if I can choose the right paths he presents to me.

But for now, I’m going to talk about the awesome win I got over the weekend.

First place. Yup. Our team won 3rd place last year, this year we were able to get 1st place. An accomplishment I was aiming for. I also learned I can keep up with the boys easily. Averaging out 215 yards drives. Clutching and reading greens well. I’m excited where my golfing is going to get me.

But the downside.. this may be the last Golf tournament I’ll be participating in with INC. There’s a high chance I’ll get d-listed or expelled. I haven’t been able to find the motivation to go to the service. It took me 6 years to get there. Idk how long it will take me to get to that moment again. This year may be the last of the tournaments I’ll ever do. And I think I’ll be okay with that.

It’s haunting. The assaults, the abuse, the smell. The emotions i’m feeling are grabbing my lungs and squeezing them. I can’t breathe, i can’t sleep. I’m trying to release the haunting nightmares and flashbacks.

Flashbacks that keep going further amd further from the beginning and the root. Oh how much i hate you.

Anxiety is gripping me. And i can’t move. I want to die because of the memories. I want to die because it’s the most uncomfortable feeling to feel. I want to die because there is no justice.

Assault. No one should ever experience it to the extent i’ve felt. To the years i’ve dealt with it. To the years it just went unnoticed and forgiven by everyone else.

Life was ruined the moment it happened. To fix it, there is not. The statue of limitation saves you. And here i am, awake from a horrible dream, that brought countless and countless of memories to hold me over the night.

Cheers to the men that could have protected us.

I’ve been feeling highly depressed today. For a lot of people they wouldn’t notice that i’ve been depressed the last week. I smile, i laugh, i enjoy everything else around me. but damn, you can’t even begin to imagine the things that run through my mind.

that’s the thing, no one understsands it.

My life was doing just fine. I did more and I was better off. Success was tangible and within my grasp until you came back in and destroyed me.

When writing becomes therapy

#relationship #toxic relationship #heartbreak #therapy #creativewriting

Breathe

I've been sitting in a parking lot across the church where my friend will be getting married. I'm sitting here visualizing how amazing she'll look walking down that aisle and how radiant her appearance will be. I flew all the way out here not necessarily for me, even though it seems like it. I flew out here because I couldn't allow myself to miss one of my best friends wedding. Despite stepping down as a bridesmaid, I still wanted to be here. For her. It's been hard road to get here and here I am still stuck in the parking lot, scared to walk there in a dress we picked out a long time ago. I feel embarrassed wearing this. I don't deserve to be wearing this, but I'm doing this for her. I've been telling myself that I need to do this for her. That she asked me to still wear it. So this is for her. Dear Marielle, I love you so dearly. And I'm so excited to see you be married to the love of your life. I'm here because I wanted to see you walk down that aisle.

13 Reasons Why: Beyond The Reasons

finally got to watching on how the show was filmed and behind the meanings and educating the symptoms. These are all everything true to me.

whenever someone is faced witha a major trauma, they have a fight, flight, or freeze response. they will either fight there way out of it, run away from it, or freeze. especially if there have been accumulated trauma in the past, then the more likely option will be to freeze.

victims of trauma disassociate and lose a sense of self.

For every suicide there are 6 people who are high at risk of committing suicide.

Every warning sign and every symptom of depression should be taken seriously. Drastic change in behavior, drop in grades, getting in fights with peer, parents, authority figures, substance abuse. these are all signs to look out for.

a lot of the times what you’re feeling and experiencing aren’t treatable. and it’s why it can be overwhelming to try to explain it to someone because it feels like there’s nothing you can do about it.

a lot of times people feel paralyzed by, “i don’t know how to talk about this, maybe it’ll be ok. maybe it’ll go away. i don’t feel equipped to talk about it.” but then nobody talks about it. that’s actually the worse thing any of us can do.

really it’s about listening and saying I’ll be there and we’ll find the help together.

the smallest thing you can do or the smallest thing you can say can change so much for better or for worse.

The life of someone’s mind that fluctuates with anxiety, depression, but more ever a fight to stay positive.

There’s not a doubt that our mind is our biggest road block or our biggest strength giver. But what happens when you have both fighting to beat the other?

In the past couple years, fighting between the two has always been the story of my life. A story that geared me to so many sad nights, ridiculous anger outbursts, and intertwined, a little bit of insanity.

My mind would get lost in darkness, wanting to crumble before everything around me. Defeated, Lost, Worthless, Confused, Damaged, and Weak. There wasn’t a day where I didn’t have one thought that brought about any of those emotions. In fact, my whole life I’ve always felt and saw myself as a mistake, a failure, and saw anything that went wrong being my fault. Goodness, did all those flood my heart and soul.

But then there’s another side of me, pushing, and fighting against the darkness that quietly sits and stirs inside me. The positivity and the strength that hopes, believes, and prays to see itself through. A fight that wants to never give up. The most exhausting fight to smile, stay happy, and have a good time.

It’s the side of me that believes in something so much bigger in my life. The hopes and dreams and the changes I want to make. The hearts I want to touch. But that part of me fights the darkest of the dark mind.

As it pushes to have the light see through, the dark thoughts push back. This becomes entangled in a messy confusions, a lack of decisions, and a frustrating emotion.

Countless times, I’ve found myself frustrated at the defeat of the darkness dimmin my light. And countless times, i break through, to find another disappointment laying in front of me. A continuous volley until one gives in.

It’s a struggle to move into a positive direction, when the mind begins to let you feel the pain. The tiredness, and the thought to give up.

My life has been a constant battle, hidden behind a smile that can blanket the pain.

And life can only take me so far from here on out. My life lies in the will to make a change, the will to want to continue fighting for someting worth while.

Therapist has taken apart that the reason I have a hard time talking is due to the trauma I’ve dealt with in so many different scenarios.

I can’t seem to talk to my therapist so she wants me to write it out. I’ve always been someone to be more vocal when I’m writing. If it’s not art, if it’s not music, then I’ll write it out.

For so long, I conditioned myself to believe that was wrong. Friends criticized me for it. Friends got mad at me for not wanting to talk about it. Friends told me all I’m doing is running away from it.

After months of therapy, I learned they were wrong. Everyone has their own way of coping. Me writing was actually a positive coping skill.

I look back at the things I did. I realized I adapted to how they were.

I realized I don’t text back or answer my phone as much. This happened years ago where my pet peeve of people not doing that was so constant. It also relates to a conversation I had with a “friend.”

Friend: “You know I honestly take you for granted. You make the effort to really meet up with me, hang out with me, and still have the same relationship with me. You’re a damn good friend. But I take you for granted.”

Me: yeah it’s been the story of my life from a lot of people.

fuckyeahinteriordesigns

2366kc

shelving unit. i like

The paralyzing feeling of anxiety and depression

Weeks of fighting agaisnt these monstrous emotions. I’ll have good days and I’ll have bad days. If I don’t talk to a therapist at least once a week, the capacity of which I can handle those dibilitating emotions become harder to bare.

Lately it’s been rough. That even through my busiest of days between designs, meetings, projects, and more I’m forcing myself to get up and get the job done.

There’s days where I’m not as focused, there’s days where I don’t talk much, and there’s days I just don’t talk. There’s even days where I exude joy, but deep down inside, i’m a huge wreck crying.

I don’t answer calls, i don’t answer texts, i forget about all these. Someetimes, it just becomes hard when flashbacks occur and wanting to explain things to people just brings back horrible flashbacks. Triggers of some sort.

But you wouldn’t really see that through my photos or my smile. Because I want to keep a brave face for the people who feel just as weak as I do.

Hope and hopeless all at the same time.

I sleep through the roughest days. I avoid the things that make me happy. I avoid everything. I seclude myself to the people reaching out to me, because I feel that they would just leave me as well. Like they would judge me. Like they would criticize me.

The stigma is still real out there. And I’m still fighting every day to make my day worth it, even though deep down inside it doesn’t feel like it.

February 15, 2017

Hey you, Triggered again? Yeah you feel it. You feel it hard and you feel so much hate and anger. Don't let that consume you. Keep breathing. 5-4-3-2-1. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. Fear is getting to you. Don't let that manifest. Breathe, breathe, do not be impulsive. Just breathe and you'll be ok. Remember that.

larmoyante

Scars speak for you. They say you’re strong, and you’ve survived something that might have killed others.

Gena Showalter, A Mad Zombie Party (via larmoyante)

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