I don’t know what I’m expected to say anymore.
It’s sort of like that feeling you get when you think everything’s settled and you look around and you’re just like, ‘Awesome. This is my life and this is good and I like how things are going right now because they actually make sense and it makes me happy.’ And then something happens and all of a sudden everything’s gone all topsy-turvy.
And you don’t know what to do, you know? There’s like this initial shock that leaves you paralyzed while everyone else is buzzing about - either asking you if you’re alright or if you need anything or just completely zooming by as if nothing happened at all.
And you sort of want to scream. Maybe cry a little bit. Or pause and take a couple of breaths until you get your head in order again. I don’t know. I guess it depends on the person. I know that it takes me a while to get it all through my head. 'Cause sometimes things happen and I just - I don’t know. I’m in like this state of utter shock where I either can’t think of anything other than whatever’s happened for days on end or I try to pretend that it’s not even real because it literally came out of nowhere and it couldn’t possibly not be a dream.
It’s like that right now, I think. I sort of want to punch people in the face and I sort of want to cry until my throat gets all constricted and I have to wonder if I’m gonna stop breathing in .5 seconds and I sort of want to just up and leave and never look back and I sort of want to just go to sleep and pretend none of it happened at all and act like everything’s completely normal tomorrow morning when I wake up.
But none of that is gonna fix any of this. If there even is anything to fix. And that’s the scariest thing about it, isn’t it? The whole not knowing part. Wondering if what you do right now is going to change the outcome at all. 'Cause sometimes things fall apart. Without any forewarning or cause. It just.. happens.
Sometimes it isn’t ever enough, y'know? You can fight and try and beg and take and give and hope and use up every fiber of yourself in order to save something and.
And sometimes it just isn’t fucking enough.
..And I think I might be learning that lesson the hard way this time around.