The last years haven’t really been good to me in general and I’m about to lose my mind. I just started with my master bc I couldn’t find a job because I’ve been in Japan at that. (so it didn’t work out to search from japan in germany). But I didn’t actually intend to finish my masters. I just wanted to find a job as soon as possible and then quit. But that didn’t worfk out. For everyone who did job hunting at least once, you probably know how exhausting and stressfull it is- I did job hunting for 3 full years. in germany, in japan, in england. Neither worked out. I got a job in the end (it being the 4th year of job hunting) just bc a friend of mine recommended me. my family is a mass. I love mxy parents, but being ‘home’ doesn’t feel like home at all. and I’m feeling so bad for not visiting my parents more often, or being there for my friends bc I just can’t anymore. I’m happy I got that hob but it has quite a few negative sides too, which worry me to no end. And also bc of said job I need to write my final report until I depart. so basically I need to write a report which everyone else in my class extended their studies for bc they couldn’t do it in 6 month (as is the rule) in 4 months. Also my boss is in america rn which leaves me alone with the business and the office- which is kinda ok bc as I said, there are a few bad aspects of my job- one being the payment. I’ll start 1st of April and won’t get money until the end of May. And everyone who lived in japan for longer, knows how expensive it is to live there-. especially in the first few months where you need to buy a lot of stuff. That’s why I really need that money. I also tried to applied for seconds jobs, I could do while working fulltime in japan, but even though I applied for many jobs- neither worked out either. On the other hand working full time and writing my master thesis doesn’t just cause a lot of stress but makes me also feel bad bc I can’t visit all of my friends which I’d like to see a few times more before I won’t see them again, maybe- which is the next thing that makes me feel so bad. Not just bc I feel bad about not having enough time for friends, but also- I started to think whether some of my friends are really my firends. Or whether I’m just a nice addition from time to time. Or when some people are fighting then I’m good enough? I love my friends but for some I really feel left out. Or like I’m actually a bother. It kinda hurt when people meet up with other friends all the time, but never ask whether I want to join maybe. Or some are telling chris things and ...I don’t know if they expect her to tell me then too, but she usually doesn’t do it and that’s why I feel left out even more. If all of you just want to be friends with chris- that’s fine. I can def tell why you’d want to be friends with her, but then please... don’t act as if you want to be friends with me too. That hurts and I can’t stand that. I know I don’t start conversation often, but when I do and get to hear “Yeah I just told Chris about that” then it won’t ecxactly make me feel good... if you don’t want to talk with me about it, that’s completely fine too- but with that sentence I think like: “so...I should ask her to tell me your story?” or “so I guess she doesn’t want to tell me anything?” “maybe doesn’t really like me and just wants to be friends with chris...”
Some things I wrote here I actually already talked with some friends about, but I needed to write those thought down, to not get crazy. I’m not sure yet whether that worked, but well see...
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