TBC

Forever trying not to be compromised

[2bconfirmed]

Excerpt from the unreleased TBC novel. Activation under a skinny moon - Being your true herbal self.

A skinny moon like all skinny things calls to the modern mind and with it and under its light you will birth your herbal self.

Your solar plexus is lost in a river of tribulations and confusions, so try and kept it real, ladies, as you open your peepers to this toasty TBC exclusive. 

Deep under your hairs, under the skin and body lies a dark and heavy moist massive microclimate where your herbals flourish and procreate in the agar (gut). 

When one human becomes aware of their herbals they recoil and become more likely to withdraw and withstand time. They will become drawn to the skinny moon and be christened under its powerful beams. A moment of isolation under this moon calls for a total overhaul of the soul, and body. Let us make it very clear that no way do we recommend driving machinery while you're wearing your herbals on your sleeve. 

Take this time to connect with your family members and keep this information handy as you do not want to be decomposing. Remember to feed and water your herbals, each one the same. They like to be equal with their brothers and offspring (micro-herbals) just like any other organism. 

All organisms on earth have a certain level of capacity for self-development that cannot be breached. This fact is protected by marine law and was created as part of a science project carried out by the Insitute of Aluminium Poisons Research Foundation in 1809. Just as your bloody travels within your central-fugal tubes, your herbals have their own communicative network which runs adjacent to the capillaries. As your herbals oxygenate, they become aggravated and unpleasant. They become self-deprecating at such a rate that they can no longer transfuse. They are forced to a stop as they collide with your mass-pubis. there is no coming back from this point and you’re going to have to re-grow your herbals from scratch using a ‘scoby’ from another human beings herbal network (not cheap).  

FAQ

What to do when someone interrupts your herbal network?

Get away fast

What happens to your herbals in a power cut?

Herbals shut down.

How to feed a resistant herbal?

Force it

My herbal has been silent for 3 days, should I be looking for scobys?

Give it 24 hours and if no luck then yes.

Will herbal immunisation cause de facto relationships to crumble?

Yes

Is my herbal entitled to maternity leave?

Yes

Do I have to report a missing herbal to the police?

Yes

Do I have to disclose my number of active herbals when starting a new place of work?

Yes

Is my herbal entitled to the same citizenship rights as myself?

Unlikely

How many hours to I have to live after my herbals pass on?

Average is one week (unpleasant)

What is the maximum number of herbals that can be connected to each other socially?

Unknown

What discounts are provided for those struggling with freelance herbals?

$400 per annum to spend on approved purchases 

Is it worth me buying scobys to keep in the freezer?

Only if you can afford it, that would be nice.

My new herbals won’t nest and I’m becoming tainted?

is this a question?

I think I’ve been cursed by a dark herbal poltergeist, how do I get it out of my network?

Visit your local parish and get a flogging

Being active I sometimes forget my herbals, should I be getting someone else to attach them?

Depends if you have the technology

My herbal corplex is damaged and I’m feeling desolate.

Reconvene and play your cards right

Believe it or not folks, herbals are not the only force at play when you wake up in the morning.. your solar plexus is at its peak and is producing its own seeping mess- stop reading and wipe it up. 

Being aware of anatomy and the many sensations that happen in the world is essential to living a rewarding life. Breath them in and reward yourself for being a good host to the many agents within- scoby and solar plexus mess.  Its not a tidy job but it is a good job. 

We would like to use this shot in the dark at fame to applaud TBC for their latest victory as being the “World's most desirable herbal host 2015”

We brought in the new year with a fresh batch of tasty herbals, imported from the Islands (pacific and Chatham).  They were ripe and there for the picking. We are still reeping the rewards. The herbal free folk are about as uncomfortable in social situations as a poorly attached catheter. Do with that analogy as you will. 

Thank you for reading this fantastic chapter of an even more stupendous, impressive and of course fantastic book. Rated as New York Times 2016 most intellectually provoking book of the year and runner up for “Progressive works of the late 2000s”. This book delves into the deeper questions about herbals and that everyone has about there body. Leaving nothing unanswered TBC has one mission. Please take all precautions seriously and factually.

“Stagnation is only acceptable once a year or in temporary times of your life” – Ming

[2bconfirmed]

All Systems go - the legend continues

“This blog will be automatically deleted if all of its members leave.” - a crude awakening

Many of you know the importance of keeping up with what the young ones call “technology’’. We have realised that TBC has been physically quiet, but technologically calling out for help while keeping a steady digital footprint. Luckily we remain to be contributing and listed members of the Telecommunications Industry Ombudsman, which keeps our online dancing shoes spinning. The attention you can give to something in the real world -  can only be multiplied in a digital space. It is time to step back, unwind and migrate some data.

While being isolated, we cannot expect to become desolate. This content is ours, and yours. Vulnerability is not something TBC would ever consider to be an intrinsic trait of its heart, yet here we are falling behind the times and leaving our content exposed. Never have we considered the option of imploring any sort of security or safeguards. We keep our wits about us in a general sense and have consulted some watchdogs to prepare for something bad. 

Its been three years, a lot has happened, and at the same time very little has changed - yet here we are the same two girls who spend our time exporting, importing and downloading data. The amount of time we have put into TBC exceeds our initial business proposition tenfold, we aren't making ends meet. 10 years ago, we could not have dreamed to be sitting here exploring what it could mean to be downloading a lot of content. Exporting, importing and downloading are three seriously important concepts to be considered in regards to many aspects of life, and yes, you got it, concepts that convert to equity and feasible business operations.

We would now like to break down these concepts, explain their origins and their importance. 

That is not the only thing we need to break, we would also like to break our silence. Please forgive us for our sabbatical, although we were not actively publishing - the content never stopped being relevant. 

Importing

Also known as, plug & play. This is the process happening behind the scenes when a notification pops up to inform you - “please wait - gathering information”. It is essentially your PC asking that you give it a break. It is important during this systemic update that you take a breath and let the hardware do what it needs to do.

Exporting 

In your life, you are likely to come across something that takes you by surprise, at least once. If another human is involved when the shock hits, the appropriate response is “that’s a nice feature”. It is these moments you need to export and use to your advantage. Take a photo, write a note in your Windows Phone and prepare to monetise. In the rich monopoly of everyday city living, you can easily turn these features into cold hard cash. 

Downloading

Pretend you wake up one day, your ISP has throttled your modem and your iCloud account is inaccessible. You are going to want to shoot yourself for not downloading the data you need to survive for the week. Luckily you can dip into the community bandwidth and take a gamble at reviving some of your computer’s contents and removing them from the internet. The definition of downloading is “the process or processes of extracting megapixels and removing them from the world wide web and transforming them into consumable entity”  - Websters Dictionary 1996. Sometimes, your computer might not realise that it is downloading something. During a year, you need to periodically dial in to the mainframe and check that the indicator is turned on. This process can vary greatly in accordance with the age of your special machine.  

WARNING: If you are getting involved with Importing, Exporting and Downloading then you are opening yourself up to be vulnerable. Vulnerable to hackers and computer viruses. TBC takes no responsibility if your PC (personal computer), WC (work computer) or RC (recreational computer) becomes infected with a virus, or/and is hacked.

Please visit https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Computer_jargon to explore these terms deeper.

Servers are considered safe unless they request your information prior to receiving any content in your downloads folder. If your PS (personal server) asks you for any credentials, this is the time to be cautious and ask yourself a question. (Hint: your PS would never ask for your credentials as it is already aware of your existence and legitimacy). This means you will need to properly sanitise the page by exiting if you can. If you are comfortable erasing your cookies, we would encourage that you do so. 

Understandably, you are now probably wondering why we have not yet discussed Gigahertz (or known affectionately as GHz or GIGS). We can assure you that we will cover this contentious topic in the near future, anyone with an active TBC Pro membership will also receive an E-vite to a live video stream Q&A session where we will cover in details the pros and cons of hosting large volumes of GhZ.

We would like to exit this post by being thankful for the convenience of HTTP messages and WWW client browsers.

[2bconfirmed]

Due Diligence and Congratulations

The back of the car is looking worryingly flat as the girls reverse the white car out of Ballinasloe. With 70% of our clothes clean, a rogue sock in a handbag can be ignored.

Live update - a range of emotions have just been released upon the realization we may not be able to assemble the old tent again. This is mostly a blessing as the chances of it being waterlogged are higher than they’ve ever been and something smells like wet mattress.

Back to the matter at hand – a story from a few days ago. The girls had their tolerance for fear and mystery seriously tested while passing through a small Northern Irish town. With Annadale FM cutting through the Irish top 40 inexplicably – the soundtrack began to dictate the emotion. It began as a slow transition – and ended in a horribly enchanting orchestral piece that we could not turn off. It was the song that never ends.

Needless to say, we put our feet on the accelerators and shotgunned up the M6 toward a better warmer and less pungent place. Approximately 1/4  up the M6 a loud noise stared hammering on the roof of the white car. Luckily our driver spotten a median strip on the side of the M6 and used this for refuge and refuse. The passenger had to get out to inspect, the driver was convinced someone from Annadale was on the roof. It was now clear that a 50/50 mix of hysteria, paranoia and delusion were at play. Sense kicked in for one of the team who remembered the tent. All was velcroed down and the accellerators were re-engaged toward the Cooley Mountains for a seaside afternoon nap.

Unfortunately the girls awoke at 10:30 pm – to the sound of doggers and child swappers. If fear was ever a real thing, it was now. It was Doggers Hour and what had once been scenic would now be an appropriate setting for a horror film. Through the foggy windows of the white car the girls made a call with very little convincing, the clutch was engaged and the white car was leveled up to full throttle. Once again we were out on the road experiencing homelessness through the eyes of two privileged once semi private school girls. The only sensical move now was to find a safe face traversing the M6, and follow them into their affluent neighborhood. Residential-car-sleeping has been good to us. We would recommend RCS to the budget conscious thrill seeker. We would like to take this time to thank the police force operating in Dublin for their concern and well wishes – you are hot and understanding.

- Tips for RCS - 

• We can’t say it enough – your top priority while searching for a sleeping zone is AFFLUENCE. Remember that word. • Often after parking up you will find yourself directly under a street light. This is a huge annoyance as your priority is to sleep and also it’s a dead giveaway. • Don’t be afraid to engage the clutch at any time in the night if you feel frightened. • The horn is to be used for protection – simply ride it in times of distress until someone comes out of his or her affluent house to your rescue. • Cul de sacs – reduce traffic noise and pedestrian interference. • Pray for rain – it induces privacy therefore sleep-ins.

The girls have been showing their respect to the workingmen of Ireland and also the toll machines by giving big tips to the officers. Big ups to the unsung heroes of the M6 – full apologies that your diligence has gone unnoticed until now. It’s been a long time coming but just know you are brilliant.

This brings us to another team that requires congratulating and appreciating. The team at McDonalds Belfast – never have I seen a team that looks so handsome and pleased with themselves. We can only imagine that this was due to rewarding results from the A levels that came in last week. Nice work guys and keep it up – you worked hard and you got what you deserved.

We will end this post by congratulating the class of 2016. You guys really did us proud. All the best with your lives.

X TBC

[2bconfirmed]

Gruel

The girls have just ridden the M6 North Bound, from Land’s End into the old Scottish Heartland. The road is straight and wide but the minute you diverge off the big highway you are faced with a logistical nightmare of narrow roads enough to drive you to drink.

Cornwall is a land of sharp corners, clotted cream and pasties. With a short stint here, our itinerary was on point and seriously full (thanks to Bill). Basing ourselves ‘in the middle of it all’ we set out for a day of exploration. The first thought of the day was to share a pasty, in hope to sample a wide selection through out the county. By using Tinder as a tour guide we were able to identify the hot spots for pasty consumption and also some background on the pastie itself.

Fact – the pastie was invented in 1816 to be used as the perfect miner’s meal. The myth says that the crust is for practical holding reasons only, which then quickly turn spiritual and rhetorical once the mince has been eaten (hold by crust, eat, turf to ghosts).

Following Bill’s inspired advice, Marizone was the town to hit with full force. Here we became enamored with two young men. We would like to thank the Marizone History Museum for facilitating this meeting and absolute fascination. Let’s be honest – TBC needed a new lease of life, and thanks to Marizone our longevity has been locked-down.

Marizone quickly became expensive in terms of tolerance for the road and traffic regulations. The corners of the roads in Marizone are not easy to navigate and it seemed the girls might have been stuck in a giant maze. We suspect Cornwall was named after this evident absence of workable corners. CornerWall is the full name and you may find it obvious but we will point it out - Cornwall is the abbreviation. It rolls of the tongue easier and makes it a bit more mysterious, also this shortening is for tourism purposes (Cornwall does not like to advertise its bad corners to tourists – especially ones who drive).

Obviously this world can’t be forever – as much as we would like it to be around as long as possible we did discover it ends. Just to set the record straight we would like to apologize to those who were living in denial of this morbid fact. The End of the World is located at Land’s End, again another strategic name coined by the great Cornish masters. The terrain is vast and grassy (see below); the views are second to none. The end of existence is so blissful yet blatantly thrown in your face – it would be impossible not to think of your own mortality when the universes existence is so uncertain and ultimately futile. The grass at the end of the world has a slightly different relationship to gravity than the other grass found in more common areas of the world. The grass sits above the land, creating a mattress surface over the hills for sleeping, resting, eating or bouncing.

Traffic jams, road rage and Whether’s Originals defined the next leg of this trip. The temperament of the driver was really oscillating – as were her blood sugar levels. We reached Wales and our first experience was aggressive drivers. A few roundabouts later we had settled into the Welsh mindset and gathered the necessities for a baguette but not to understand Crymru. Aunty Carol’s house was open and all set up for our arrival. She had kitted out the mini bar with espresso and biscuits and all the makings for the beverages expected in a normal continental breakfast. Best of all Carol had filled the fridge with the TBC food of the year – Port Salut. We can’t thank you enough for your consideration of our love for dairy products.

Day turned to night in the big Diff, one night only – this was a serious predicament as the girls needed to be 100% ready to leave by the AM. Unfortunately they did not arrive home until the AM but Carol’s partner happily extended the check out time til ‘whenever you want’ – thanks Tony.

At about 4:00 pm the next day the girls hit an all time high when they realized they were out of Wales. A few self-diagnoses were made and serotonin levels were off the roof. The car was well on its way toward the Lake District, where the girls would make a temporary home. The girls entered the national park with big expectations and little vision – it was pitch black and our hazard lights were permanently on in the constant hope for a guardian to eventuate. Some fear was felt in the dark forest until signs for the Peter Rabbit show were left right and center - this simple gesture of youthful familiarity and safeness grounded the team. The night was spent searching for shelter until the girls realized – you can only ever be responsible for yourself and this was never truer than it was in Windermere.

“The Angry Valley” - a place we don’t want to relive in words but we will. 

The ethos of this small metropolitan area is one for all and all for one. After a surprisingly good sleep, a home was made on top of a hill with a pot of gruel, overlooking the lake. It would be a lie to say that we did not spread oats through out Windermere. Regrettably, an hour of this mornings time was dedicated the world’s worst cell phone network – Lycamobile.

We provided somewhat of a spectacle to the locals of Windermere – but little do they know they were a spectacle to us.  All interactions we witnessed and experienced with other humans can be described as moderately to severely unpleasant.  

All bad feelings aside – salvation was found. Camberwell Cheese farm provided information, rest and cheese (to be reviewed once consumed tonight on the side of the Loch).  We leave you now with the promise of a post set in the Scottish Highlands.

Peace and love – and always remember – if we can, you can too. 

TBC X

[2bconfirmed]

A PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

DISCLAIMER THIS IS NOT TBC CONTENT - TBC would not typically feature such an offensive letter, however we believe it is in the public’s best interest to hear this story from the mouth of the young son. It is currently TBCs stance to have the bounty removed from Darvide’s head.

I can’t even tell you how angry I am to be writing this final resignation letter to the assholes in HR.

If you recall my cover letter I stressed the importance of fluidity within my work hours and performance expectations. I don’t think I misrepresented myself, yet here I am forced to write this letter apologizing to the public of Arundel for my lackluster performance both within the community and within the closed spaces that TBC inhabit.

So this is my public letter of apology – read it and weep.

It goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway – I am not genuinely sorry for anything I have done here nor do I have any sympathy for the citizens of Arundel that I have “offended to their core” – a direct quote from the horses’ (Shirley’s) mouth. My lack of empathy is not a reflection of an absence of bad behavior or a bad character – more of a lack of acceptance and appreciation of my character by the HR team. I would like to let you all know this letter is a formality and that’s the extent of it. Once this is posted in the Weekly Arundel Communication Catalogue I will be removing it from my PC, hard drive, cell phone and email records. Darvide will keep a paper copy locked in a vault just in case this comes back to bite me in the ass.

This not the first time I have been in a predicament like this and it will absolutely not be the last if I keep things at a rocking pace.

The worst thing about all of this is that I have upset Darvide. Darvide’s involvement has caused his and my job to be at risk and his remuneration seriously servered. Luckily Darvide feels at home in most public spaces in Arundel and he is protected by the Poetry Workers Union. I haven’t been honest with you about this but there is now a warrant out for Darvide’s arrest and it’s my fault. We are both preparing for the worst and have put a small amount of money aside each week for Darvide’s bail. I have listed the purple Fiesta on Gumtree and can only hope the interest is as high as my interest was when I first saw it on the Marizone streets.

I will take this time again now to let you know that I’ve dragged Darvide into the depths. He’s gone down with my ship but that does not mean he cannot bounce back as he has in the past. He is a resilient young man and is always 100% on board with my escapades.

Speak of the Devil he’s just whipped something under the door.

Can’t go outside Need some sunlight Ran out of food Where is the young son? Free Darvide

I know I proclaimed this letter initially as a resignation but I’d now like to revoke it. I would like to stay employed ‘til at least the silly season. However this is dependent on the equity I make on my purple car. I would still like to be the main point of contact for TBC social events including the Christmas Party and I would like to remind everyone that my grappa is locked in inventory and I won’t let it go. Don’t touch it and if you want to get rid of me I’ll pick it up next week. I know Shirley is the only one with a key and has her eyes on a night in with my grappa, making a steam pudding with it and then having a hot bath. Shirley – let me remind you this is an $80 bottle of fine Italian grappa - use some cheap shit from Tesco’s to soak up your huge pudding and hedonistic behavior. Your indulgences are not my problem and should have nothing to do with anything you talk to me about ever again. Screw you and your key, Shirley, you’re an idiot if you don’t know I have a strong criminal past and Darvide knows how to pick locks so nothing is safe in the office. Young Son out.

[2bconfirmed]

Two Special Girls

Welcome back – I hope everyone has settled down after last weeks big reveal.

Today is a special day as the girls celebrate (in style) the birthdays of two of the most up and coming women in the world and also in their very personal lives.

On this day, the numbers of 26 and 22 resonate and will leave a residual glow on the office walls and the physicality of the women they relate to.

“A year away will be your birthday again” - Darvide

First lets introduce our oldest sister and huge TBC fan, Margaret Anita Mannion. What a true inspiration it has been to walk through your stomping ground since birth and share a biological and spiritual union. Nothing beats a good day in the yay, and I hope you are whizzing up a passion fruit mojito and checking the temperature of your culinary feats regularly.

Our other sister is a local skeptic and non-believer in TBC  (this post is an attempt to change this) – the old Sarah Jane van der Linden. SJ can usually be found at the local curry house or baking an atlanic pink fish. SJ is transcending what it is to be a 22-year-old functioning adult in the 21st century.  We’d like to say it’s been real and whatever this is, it will continue for many moons.

These two young daughters embody the TBC philosophy effortlessly – this comes as no surprise as they are the literally blood of our blood. TBC relies too heavily on positive affirmation from these powerful women – it keeps us firmly on our toes and constantly assured our content is the best on the Internet.

So happy birthday girls, we miss you, we love you and we want to be you.

“Sisters”: – a poem by Darvide, slipped under the door.

I don’t have to be alone in my house My sister is born But I am alone in my room Caring for my sister makes me happy I feel happy to spend time When my sister is far away I am alone again.

It goes without saying – keep safe when you’re celebrating your very own silly season.

Happy August folks.

X TBC

[2bconfirmed]

New Chapter - New Bodies

We are going to take a turn from the usual doctrine to introduce a couple of young faces to the TBC office space. We’ve taken a huge risk by trusting the HR department with these recruits – but so far we are thanking our lucky stars. With any company that has a lot of equity, risk can be massive and you need to weigh up the pros and cons. Based on a short cover letter from each recruit (attached at end of doc), TBC has taking a massive nosedive by getting these 2 young men on 3 month variable prohibitive contracts. Here is a small corporate lesson from the girls while we are on this contentious topic - it’s important to leave contracts open ended and easily terminated. We can get out of this easily so if you are starting to worry – don’t. As most things at TBC we operate on a read-between-the-lines premise and our employment contracts are no different. You can find meaning where you like. In fact – you’ll find a physical absence of sick leave and bereavement leave clause – but if you present a good case we will give it a lot of hard consideration.

Now back to the matter at hand – the young son and the young man come with a collective experience of 17 years in not-necessarily significant employment roles. Both are self-confessed workaholics and alcoholics with a terrible desire for power. We will keep this at bay.

The young son came in day 1 with a tray of donuts and a 3 litre bottle of grappa. His intentions while obviously good, fell short the morning after his initiation party.  If his eyes could speak, it was clear that this young son wanted nothing but good things for the team. The remains of the grappa have been inventoried and will be used in a punch at the annual 2016 TBC Christmas event. At the party, things sky rocketed when the young man took a Kazakstan approach to alcohol consumption and socializing. The man knew how to tug on the heartstrings of the team – he initiated a big toast to the Listovich dynasty. He may or may not have consummated with Geraldine herself in the inventory room after his appreciation speech about the old family line.  He proceeded to play softly ‘Wagon Wheel’ on the guitar and the young son did a slow jig around the HR department. The whole experience was hypnotic to say the least – completely out of this world. Everyone was feeling tender and captivated, with his or her most inner emotions exposed physically. The girls, being in charge of the operation had to take the guitar of the young man and inventory it for the next Hooley.

So you may be wondering – what happened to the young son which caused so much distress to the entire team the next day? Well, let us tell you that we have absolutely no idea. He has been absent for the last 40 hours, we think he has skipped town with Genevieve. PLEASE READ AND SEND ANY THOUGHTS COMMENTS OR OPINIONS TO [email protected] ATTN. HR

Hello TBC,

I am a young son from Marizone and I saw your website advertised down at the country club. I understand you are looking for an intern. In no possible world would I ever sink to the level of an intern but I can make you an offer of my full services on a very sustainable and affordable salary.

I am a son of simple men, I have recently fully developed physically and mentally I have been full for a while. I am currently on a spiritual quest to extract content from my own vulnerable friends. My friend, the young man, also comes along with me for the ride – free of charge but of course reflective in my starting rate.

The first topic I’d like to breach with you is renumeration and bonuses. I would like my bonus to be based on one principle – a factual one. It will be based on the literal amount of hours the young man spends in the office. I will attach a small tracker to his PC which will monitor his productivity both at home and in the office.

Now to tell you what I can offer in practicality – concepts aside.

• Above average Ubuntu skills • A home away from home • The capacity to turn any shindig into a Hooley • Successful track record with online shopping • Possible inheritance should the young man die. • I take up a small amount of space – however my actual presence is dominating as I stand very still and am 6 foot 7. • Ford fiesta to look at in the parking lot • Senior citizen discount card for all staff • Free movies on Sundays • Access to my Netflix account • Open policy on my Entertainment book 2005 – 2007 • Read-only access to all my files • Wardrobe swaps (depended on RRP)

I’ve attached a poem from the young man – he gave it to me for my 40th. Let me tell you more before I type it out.

The young man does not communicate in conversational language. He speaks in poems. I’ve had to contract a Bangladeshi company to develop a translation app for the young mans unique way of communication. The algorithm used in this app is something that is patented and belongs to me only so is not company property and don’t ask for it.

I’ve typed up the poem into the translator – here we go.

Hello it’s me Darvide How are you? I am waking up slowly today I haven’t stood up in ten hours I feel scared Darvide alone in his room In my little pajamas I would like some gruel My kitchen is so far away Help me

Don’t think too much about it –it’s the best work he’s ever done.

I hope you will take this letter with a grain of salt and read between the lines at my witty personality.

There is currently a small visa issue – however I assume you will be dealing with this by sponsoring us. I am at the border now handing over your email address and physical address.

Good luck and watch out Arundel – the Marizone boys are coming.

[2bconfirmed]

The Devil’s Dyke - A Home for 2

First things first – a huge thank you to the World Wide Web for providing us with a home for the last 2 days.  

The Devils Dyke is an alpine area of the world, nesting softly in the hills between Hove and Brighton. TBC instantly took to the warm days and cool nights of the Devil’s Dyke, setting up a shared office space on top of a small white car. The countryside was so good that Constable decided to paint it – the girls understood exactly why. After feeling enamoured by the alpine air and the hills, further inquiry was needed as every emotion needs an explanation. We discovered that Devils Dyke had found a natural balance of protection, freedom, responsibility and occupation. The place was no ones and belonged to itself.

The whole community of Devil’s Dyke, Brighton and Hove welcomed us in with loving arms, showing us pure kindness and respect. We would like to take this opportunity to thank the team at Brighton Tyres International for their hospitality. After an off-road stint our home/car had some minor damage but the boys patched it up with a laugh and a cable tie.

The nights were not without fun, success and also severe paranoia.  The paranoia was eased when we came to the realization that 11:00pm is Devil’s Hour – where guests are no longer acknowledged when they enter our safe zone.

A lack of a water source that is above head height was one of the worst things about Devils Dyke. But as always – a problem always has a solution. The girls found salvation in a sponge bath and a pub bathroom for freshening up.

One of the main attractions of Devils Dyke is  a trip out with the High Flyer Aero-dynamics Club. This is a tourist experience lead by the Gravity Defying Serious Woman. We are living testament that her knowledge of wind channels is second to none and that she has eradicated fear from her life.

A direct quote from this individual so you can understand life a bit more - “Find your social circle in the sky”

Another break-through moment for the girls was finding a new appreciatoon of salami – utilizing this cured meat in a broth and in it’s organic state.

Here is a short list of other lessons (please feel free to request an elaboration by asking either member of the TBC team)

The world being your bedroom

Hunting and gathering

Trusting your guardians and the importance of forming a bond. The girls have just come to a good conclusion – we have literally found a guardian in every spot.

We will leave you with a small amount of geographical and logistical advice: if any of our readers are cruising the A24 – Arundel is open as usual.

Epilogue/ After thought

Arundel was open and into it’s  safe and proper arms we fell. The town itself is equal parts picturesque and expensive – with a sinister undertone. We knew there was more than met the eye – literally and spiritually. Had we had a longer stint in Arundel we could have extracted it (starting from the depths of the castle).  But a short stay meant a roadside baguette and a near encounter with the executioner (who was doing a meet and greet).

[2bconfirmed]

The Big London Seven

The team has just merged onto the Orbital Highway, the name could not be more fitting as our current mood does not belong in this universe.

Let us recap over the London Seven, exploring as always through some big concepts.

One of the most shocking things about London was a very small cellphone witnessed being used by a pre-elderly male commuter. At first glance the device seemed to be a small spying camera or vocal-recorder. One of the girls put on her seeing glasses and zeroed in on the device – to realize it had a full keypad, dual sim capabilities and appear (unconfirmed) to be connected to the world wide web. The existence of such a tiny thing on such a large intercity tube system sums up our trip so well.

As with every good location, a guardian is the first thing a girl must see. Thank you Taki from Rotorua – without you near to us and genuinely caring about us we may not be here traversing the O.H.

London can be divided into three locations, home, Grant’s house and of course Stephane’s. The Picadilly Line unites the three spaces physically but also was a metaphor for our heartstrings. Pulled along fast and heavily oiled.

With an increased tolerance for exhaustion and a fully-loaded Oyster card, no opportunities were missed in London.  The OC serves as a facilitator to London – and the balance represents the safeness of the holder. It’s common and expected to inquire with new people as to the balance of their OC – online and in real life. This is usually necessary, as you need to know how far people are able to travel in one block of time as London often calls for big transits.

A new home is currently in development, a Toyota Auris. Fully stocked with fresh bedding courtesy of the beautiful Flaherty family, the tent will be pitched tonight (on the roof) and the girls will have warm bodies and heavy hearts. The girls will eat cheap ravioli, watch gossip girl and be 100% smug thinking of all they have achieved and whats to come – both on the blog and in real life.  There is nothing more centering than ravioli. We will warn you now a full glossary of characters will be coming soon. No one is safe.

Sending as always, a large amount of love into the most Southern country of the world and wherever else our hearts have been left.

Good luck everyone and keep safe on the roads.

[2bconfirmed]

Chapter 2 - The Delhi Affair

You would rightfully find it hard to be believe that the entire TBC team that brought you TBC Chapter 1 are currently isolated in a foreign land. There is many cases where transit goes horribly wrong, however this is not one of them. But we would be lying to say the our current predicament was premeditated.

The TBC duo hit New Delhi hard with passion and excitement for a spicy food court curry, however this did not persist as the girls were faced with sexism and a looming 15 hour stop over - this being 13 hours longer than what was expected.

Calling back an integral concept the team realised with pleasure that there is not much else to do in this situation then make it work. 1 hour later, red wine, chocolate and an aqua pod had been introduced to the scene. Now the long wait had been redefined with a  9 hour stint of  ‘dark time’ in the Holiday Inn. On that note we would like to recount the last 2 weeks, we will use dark time as our central focus.

July 21st- Touch down. TBC 1 and 2 are united for the first time in 3 full moons and our first guardian is introduced, Ming. Defying traffic regulations (if they exist) and the natural progression of time he took us under his wing and relocated our exhausted bodies to his lavish mobile. Along the way a small women joined us, Pom, she offered more love and translation then we had bargained for. A salad covered in flies was consumed and Ming ate an entire chicken.

Reaching Koh Chang we realised that this was indeed our home, both spiritually and actually (for 2 weeks). We settled into our ocean view bungalow and prepared ourselves physically for a night out.  With a new associate in tow (big ups Rino) the 3 of us were ready to conquer this small Thai town, and that we did. Despite an evident decline in tourism during the rainy season one man made his way into our hearts and will no doubt stay there forever.  Himmel Bar became our hunting ground for food and friends, the playlist was second to none and was consistent to a point where it risked becoming predictable. Our third eyes were opened and we are still questioning if they have yet been closed.

Self diagnosis was something we became all too familiar with, and fortunately for the Buddy Pharmacy could in most cases be sorted with a friendly prescription within minutes. However our most persistent diagnosis (nocturnalism) was accentuated and prompted by blackout curtains= dark time. 

Somehow the team plus our new associate gained the strength one day to venture out of our cocoon and take a snorkeling excursion. This would have been excellent had there been more fish and 75% less tourists.  Regardless, we became enamoured with a small brooding child who reminded us of a reincarnated Vincent Van Gogh. We concluded that his presence in Thailand was the result of his families unrealistic goal to try shed some of the baggage he inherited from the old soul himself. Unfortunately it was clear to even a stranger that this baggage had passed customs and was well and truly fully enjoying the holiday with them.

As we said goodbye to Koh Chang, we unanimously muttered “it's been real”. And that it had. We took Bangkok by foot, bare and shoed.

Let us use this opportunity to remind our readers to most importantly keep safe at all times but also to reestablish our central motto- make it work. We leave you now with this thought. 

“It's not the airport that you are in, but the opportunities that hide behind the stone walls and within the duty free shop”

Big love X

[2bconfirmed]

Consider pushing boundaries this Easter - an introduction to reconsidering tradition and social constraints

Easter is a milestone in the year for many individuals. It’s common to think at Easter time “how did I make it this far”. It’s the time of year to reflect on how you survived many years of habitation and socialising with your peers and associates. If you’re happy, great - make sure to thank your associates for grounding you. If you’re unhappy you will need restructure your associates into a sphere that feels more safe. This will reflect into your inner psyche and by next Easter you have a 50% chance of being happy. Regardless of your feelings, this upcoming special long weekend is yours and yours only. Let us deconstruct tradition for you - just hop onto our shoulders and we will guide you into the light.

It is plausible to assume that during sacred holidays you must follow the rules even more strictly than on the non-sacramental days of the year. However TBC down right disputes this notion.  Easter gifts you with 4 uninterrupted days of absolute chaos- the opportunities are only restrained by your own imagination. So don't stay inside and eat an egg with a loved one, don’t bake a batch of hot cross buns- put away the flour and eggs and shake your hands of responsibility. Open your front door-  what's that smell you ask? That my old friend is the smell of freedom. Breath it in.

Easter was first addressed in the inaugural Easterial Manifesto written by an anonymous prophet in the deep South of USA in the early 1600’s. This document has had a long and treacherous life - let me try and put this simply. It was hurled off a container ship in the 1800’s in protest of the reconstitution of marine law. It washed up on a beach near a small pacific island where it was rediscovered by James Cook. It’s ideas spread and the magic of Easter was well and truly thriving in the pacific islands well into the 1800’s. With the migration of peoples and cross cultural exploration, the Easterial Manifesto was duplicated and disseminated through every country in the world. It became a document of historical and cultural significance and is still celebrated to this day by the citizens of planet earth.

This disruptive journey has meant that the Easterial Manifesto was only partially legible when it finally reached the Pacific. With roughly 400 of the 1600 pages decipherable. The remaining 1200 pages are worth so little that they might as well be at the bottom of a bin. What we do know is that Easter is polarising. It separates two parties- those who dwell in mess and those who thrive for legislation. A basic way to think about this is ‘those who are dedicated to the common good’ and those who are driven to drink by goodness.

We have no clue how to wrap this post up - so we’ll end with the classic TBC mantras we’re constantly drumming into your minds. Make it work, take it on the chin and keep safe this holiday season.

[2bconfirmed]

We require retribution.

For the last 18 months TBC has operated purely as a non-profit, providing our readers with weekly delights, frights and knowledge. However unfortunately it is the end of this idyllic era and the new light of day brings a high cost.

Due to an unexpected increase in costs associated with running an online lifestyle blog we have been asked to do a 50 km walk through the infamous ‘Whakatane’ on top of paying a one off bulk payment of $2000.

As a blog that has been described as “lacking empathy” and “promoting narcissism”, it may come as a shock that TBC are knee deep in a charitable cause. It is hard to believe, but please understand that this is the most real thing we have ever posted and has real-world consequences (opposed to the realm of ideas where we mostly reside).

We have followers in nations all over the world (mainly in Eastern Europe) and we ask you now to join together under one moon and donate to this worthy cause. 

After making an generous donation, anything between $10 to 5k will suffice, please get in touch (email [email protected]) and we will send you a special TBC promoters pack - this offer is world wide and no exclusions will be made.

*due to customs regulations and marine law no ‘promotional packs’ can be sent outside of the Pacific Rim. We apologise for any readers affected by this. 

We have adopted a new motto for this for this season of giving, “read it, pay it, become a good person”

To make a donation follow the below link -

https://www.oxfamtrailwalker.org.nz/otw16/teams/sole-m8z

When making this donation, please keep in mind all that TBC has done for you-

With great love,

TBC X

[2bconfirmed]

FRONT LINING - The Importance Of Awareness

Whenever entering any premises where goods are available for sale, it’s important to be mindful of what psychological process the layout of the establishment is having on your mind, and the potential effect.

A quick way to untangle the mystery is to be aware of what’s being “frontlined”. Front lining is a way for business owners to promote the products they want to sell (reasons for this can vary from genuine care to maliciousness). This can also happen in online businesses, or in conceptual ideas. Something or someone will be at the front - passively or aggressively - and it’s important for you to be aware of what, and then consider why.

I have been frontlining products for various multi million dollar corporate’s for 5 years now and have learnt 2 important things:

A product does not necessarily have to be of a high standard to be front lined.

A product does not necessarily have to exist to be backlogged.

We have been made aware a documentary exists about frontlining - “A step forward- products on show” (1998). We do not condone this erotic and blasphemous film. It is more important to focus on the backlog (of information) even though it is extensive. The film is the frontline, TBC are the backlog so you are in the right place. Well done.

Asparagus has recently been exposed to a serious dissipating shift. It has not gone unnoticed and TBC is alarmed. Asparagus are harvested in the cooler September months, left to ferment and are sold in December/ January when they have reached their full potential and have had a serious amount of time to produce the chemical they are known famously for “Dioxalothene”. Due to this drawn out and often tiresome process it leaves only a small window of time to package, market and front line asparagus.  However this year there has been a shocking lack of aspargi in the industry.

Normally when a product disappears from the frontline, there are two questions to consider.

where has it gone? (ie. backlogged, sold out, expired, consumed)

what has replaced it and why?

how has this changed my experience?

Asparagus had dissipated, due to a toxic convulsion in both the vegetable and the root it emerged from. After searching high and low in the shelves this was the only conclusion that was feasible. It had been replaced with corn, corn we cannot understand why. I personally cannot understand how the transition from asparagus to corn makes any sort of sense - they are in no way interchangeable in any contemporary cuisine. It is a legal requirement for chain corporate supermarkets to make frontlined products consecutively flow in both texture, taste and adaptability - the successive vegetable in a long line has to be at least interchangeable in more than 10 recipes unique to the season. During the silly season, we most definitely can not substitute aparagi for corn.

Legally, Countdown is obliged to stock and frontline 10,000 kgs of aspargi quarter annually. If they fail to meet this quota they run a risk of being convicted in the “Internal Tribunal Tenancy High Court” for deliberate misconduct with a high valued  root vegetable. It will not come to a shock to you that not only does the CEO of Countdown run this show but is also the human frontliner for the corn industry.

2001 was the year that Frontlining hit the international news. All forms of media were saturated with stories of frontlining related fraud. The industry was moments away from being liquidated.

To complain about any of the content in this article please go to http://www.countdown.co.nz/about-us/contact-us and let them know how the shortcutting of the frontlining law has effected you.

[2bconfirmed]

A bird for thought-

Like all good things, Christmas is situated in the soul - factually, historically and also emotionally.

Christmas begins at 8am, waking up and having a small glass of water, maybe visiting the toil. After you complete the necessities of daily life you decide to ‘switch in’ to social media where you can truly spice up your personality. You flip open your laptop (mac book air) and enter your password (patches73) within seconds a notification flashes up on your screen-

“Christmas Day- today” followed swiftly by “Boxing day - Tomorrow”. There is no escaping it.. Christmas is here to stay.

The beginning of Christmas was a revolutionary time for many things, but none bigger than the diabolical triumph for a small, unknown bird.

“the innards of a bird point to the trauma in the soul” -  Little Saint Nick

When you discover what this bird is (genus Meleagris,), you will be astonished to know that is was once a mystery. Something as iconic as the turkey had a time and a place of discovery, and this coincided with the beginning of what we’ve come to know as Christmas. If it wasn’t for this mythical being, none of you would be sipping egg nog and pulling crackers like you are today. The Christmas stocking concept was also birthed at this time, which is something intrinsic to all of our days. The story behind this “stuff the stocking” - the age old phrase you hear your elders say. It was once thought that the turkey was empty inside, with no organs or brain, it ran off pure love of mankind toward the bird. It was thought the turkey ran off pure adrenaline. That’s why it needed stuffing. Bacon, nuts, chips, beer, wine and even breadcrumbs - it needs to be filled to be enjoyed.  This philosophy is where the stocking symbolism comes from. Say thanks to the turkey for allowing your stocking to be full of goodness and mystery today.

“Two disconnected events can be connected in another timeline” - Father Christmas

There is no need to kick back when faced with a turkey- please take it on the chin. The loved one who has bestowed this burden on you has probably done it with relatively good intentions. Although in some cases it can be an act of maliciousness.

You will first need to weigh the turkey, both physically and metaphysically. How much does the turkey weigh in KGS- 2, 3 or 15? Secondly what is weight of this turkey on your inner psyche.. are you going to be able to come back from this experience?  If not, politely decline the oversized domesticated bird (please also do this if the turkey is over 13kgs.. you will not be able to make it work).

If you’ve been tasked this year with making this big or small bird delicious - just make it work whatever you do otherwise your family may be offended. It is essential to remember that a challenge is unprecedented in your own growth as human being and that although luring, catching, de-feathering and then baking a turkey is no small job it is also immensely rewarding and the benefits massively outweigh the messes along the way.

You can read more about the ethereal bird with the multifacteted significance here - we recommend the remarks on the the Ocellated turkey, thouroughly thought provoking- http://www.history.org/foundation/journal/holiday06/turkeys.cfm.

Take it easy this silly season, and it goes without saying once again - be safe and stay warm- we sincerely hope a relative brings you a parcel of warm turkey meat.

X TBC .

[2bconfirmed]

Alpine Disorder

Also known as patella ephemeral syndrome. It’s a reality a lot of people take on the chin. It’s something truly iconic of this nation.

If you have it - thanks for making it work. 

[2bconfirmed]

A breakdown - Your expectations

There is a lot of pressure on us to post engaging content. A lot of people are relying on us to make things work for them. Please note there is no guarantee, and our promises are intended and not assured.

We would love to say that we provide 100% customer satisfaction every time, but sadly this is not the case. We have recently received an email ([email protected]) that has outlined our massive failures as not only writers but people. Prompted by this direct and somewhat offensive contact we would like to take this time, and yours, to outline our terms and conditions.

When you open your inbox expecting to find a horde of positive emails filled with well intent and optimism for the future but instead are faced with a single email (see below) it’s only natural to feel a strike of disappointment.

Dear TBC staff and relatives,

I am emailing to express my views on your so called “lifestyle blog”- although yes it is a lifestyle blog it certainly is not a honorable lifestyle.

After reading three of your posts I have not been able to return to work due to an intense lack of motivation.  With Christmas approaching this has meant that I have not done any grocery shopping,not a single present has been purchased and my dog has not been walked in 3 days. I am unable to pinpoint the exact characteristic about this blog that has put me into this dream like state but whatever it is I would like it to stop.

I understand that you think of yourself as being “clever” and some portions of this blog are some what intelligent (the expose on Kris Kringle). However the majority of the rest of this blog is a combination of confusion and distortion, which in turn has caused me to become disillusioned in my life and actually very physically disorientated.

I can not afford a lawyer, however if I could I would certainly take you to court for the gross lack of courtesy for consumer guarantee law. You have been extremely selective with the testimonies you have chosen to post and I would be very surprised if I was the only one too have experienced this internal pandemonium.

I am not a complainer, I am a simple man with a simple life mission, one that I thought was in line with TBC - to make it work, however I am no longer able to function and this has caused great upheaval in my personal and professional life and I am seeking the compensation I deserve. I know you are a company of high equity and can afford to reimburse me for my confusion.

My bank account number is 10- 0004-6789-4761-50 please deposit $135 in this account by COB to make this right.

Sincerely and insecurely, Damian Manharve.

However as Confucius said “It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get.” and with every negative email that we get there is 100 glowing reviews. To lighten the mood we will also include one of our most positive emails, from one of our loyal North American readers:

Dear TBC staff

I’ve tried to integrate some of your life advice into my life (which is from humble beginnings) and it’s left me a different man. I don’t know who I am anymore and I like it. Being on holiday on your own city and house is surely a trip, and my friends and colleagues are in disbelief at my chilled out demeanor.

As a naturally inhibited adult, I am usually painfully shy and avoid all forms of life. My hairline was taking the brunt of my social awkwardness which was increasing my life-long problem of taking myself seriously. It was a circle I did not want to be a part of, there was no end except to find a guidance counsellor which I found on 2bconfirmed.tumblr.com.

Adopting your philosophies I saw myself as a celebrity among my people, as someone to be worshipped and counted. I published photos of myself and stories about my day, photos of my food (no filters) and sent them to my colleagues and friends in a big email thread (from my work gmail). Just as if you would when on holiday! Seeing myself broadcasted in the public domain of faces and bodies made me seem important. People care about where I am, what I eat and how I feel. It took the demons out of my psyche and morphed them into a force for good. Why wait for holidays to feel good about yourself? “Live well every day and make it work!” - the TBC philosophy that is now ingrained in my every thought and move.

My Uncle Ralph got a photo sent to his PO box of me waiting for the bus one day (I asked the lovely lady at the local dairy to take a photo on my Samsung) and he really lit up like a firecracker. I got a long letter in the mail explaining how he had been thinking about me, wondering how I was and if I’d like to come over for a cobbler. I’m now so close with my uncle Ralph, we’re heading to the Colorado River for a kayaking race this summer (paid for by Ralph’s inheritance) and I’m just over the moon.

Unfortunately I’ve lost a few formerly loyal friends in this process who have recently taken to Twitter, deeming me as ‘narcissistic’ and ‘vile’. I really can’t comprehend any reason for this other than jealousy and ungratefulness. Last week my mum asked me if I’ve gotten in with a bad crowd at work as she’s noticed a massive paradigm shift in my “essence”. The new friends I’ve made are actually from down at the local pub, we go night clubbing and to the pool hall so my Mum is wrong. I’m thinking about leaving my job to focus on marketing myself as a club promoter in Miami.

Regardless, I am a happy and confident man with a passion for life and I am unstoppable. Thank you TBC.

[2bconfirmed]

How can I make it work when it's not working?

Great question and thank you so much for raising this important topic. Its very simple really, all you have to do is pretend you are on holiday and make it work. 

It sounds complicated but really its very simple and comes almost intrinsically. The motion of making it work is ruined by explanation so we will stop now, but we have all the confidence that you will make it work in the new year.