Today I woke up and from the inner ear itch I might have known it wouldn't be the best day.
Today I was with my contractor all day. The costs kept mounting as I kept remembering my income these days has been stifled. Behind what, I don't know. Perhaps my fear of releasing anything - everything.
I was still working on continuing some research on spotify playlists this morning when he arrived, surprisingly on time. I wasn't ready for him.
I'd assumed he would be late, and I had a plan in mind for what sequence he would do the work in.
Leaking sink first, middle bedroom molding second, etc, etc.
His plan was different - go spend half your life savings at home depot, then I'll do the work and you give me the rest.
Got it.
In spite of having my heart warmed when I saw two of my favorite Home Depot guys - because it feels like I live there at times - during our visit, I was still overwhelmingly overwhelmed at the bill when I tallied it all up at the end of the day.
My contractor had done a good job - as good a job as he could, given that this house is almost 100 years old and most of it is crooked or hanging.
My house. Our house, is a very very very fine house. And it has some things we're in the process of making even finer.
So overwhelmed and flushed as I felt, I spent a large part of tonight job searching. My artistry did a good job supporting me over this past year with steady gigs and alternate opportunities. This year, however, has been sloth-like, and I'm feeling like I need to hit the rewind button. Refreshing my resume though that's the last thing I want to do. Considering going back to any office sounds like hell but I know there are ways to make it work, even for a super creative like me.
Ways like what I wrote down the last time I took a bath or ate a Cookie.
I'm full of great ideas. The activation is another thing.
And shame on me for ever judging or saying I don't understand this tepid or stalled movement when my partner does it (doesn't do it??)
I GET it.
Believing in ourselves is a huge and hard thing. Like removing the sword from the stone.
But it's necessary.
Blood and all.
So I'm in the bath again writing this and knowing that. And I'm just praying for the one (or more) yeses that wait in the balance as I move more confidently towards pressing send on the emails I'll be composing to the venues where I wanna share my gifts.
If y'all can hear me, all you gotta do is say yes 🙌🏾
And then whoever else is out there, hire me for easy work please! Or pray that I get out of my own way and into some huge windfall of cash soon.
(And to the mouse hiding - not dying - in the kitchen, I see you. And while I'm not aching for your death, I do need to not see you ever again. This is your warning.)
Some days are like this, I realize. Harder to see the sun shining behind all the weights that feel like they're burying me...us.
I'm warmed at the thought that though tomorrow is not promised, it may bring with it some relief from the heft of today.
Sleep well, you magicians. Our work awaits us at sunrise.
Still believing in miracles, Arin