just a girl with many mental illnesses

some thoughts I had

[2deep-2bherd]

I'd like to thank my entire support system for deciding 2019 was the year to abandon me. A full year before I needed you more than ever.

[2deep-2bherd]

I've been teetering on the edge of a mental health breakdown for a couple years but the pandemic really added the extra touch and made it even more spectacular and dynamic than it would have been

[2deep-2bherd]

Well enjoying being around my family lasted for about 2 hours today but now we're back to, all I want for Christmas is out of this house.

[2deep-2bherd]

For me, 2020 has been a year long existential crisis.

[2deep-2bherd]

Was anybody else a lonely kid who got too emotionally attached to fictional characters and/or the actors from every show because they wanted that sense of belonging? No..just me?

[2deep-2bherd]

Mom: You should make a dentist appointment while you are still on our health insurance Me: You're right that would be a good idea (knowing full well that I won't because I am very afraid of the dentist)

[2deep-2bherd]

You know what's fun? When you are very self aware but you've been invalidated your whole life so it gets to the point where you can't trust your brain at all.

[2deep-2bherd]

I am constantly alternating between the compulsive need to get rid of everything I own and the compulsive need to buy things. And my mom is a big hoarder which adds to the confusion.

[2deep-2bherd]

I don't know how, but my parents managed to invalidate my feelings and say I should see a therapist at the same time.

[2deep-2bherd]

You would think that knowing I'm invisible and my social anxiety would cancel each other out. Nope.

[2deep-2bherd]

Whenever I watch a new tv show I get fixated on that world. I will keep rewatching it over and over and go searching for every little bit of content I can find. This high lasts for awhile but then the fixation disappears and I feel depressed. This has happened enough times for me to know what it is occurring but I don’t know how to stop going through this cycle or make it easier. 

[2deep-2bherd]

I found out recently that I'm passively suicidal and have been for at least a couple years. But now that I know that I've noticed wanting to die has been on my mind more and more and its scaring me.

[2deep-2bherd]

My parents are Gen X. They keep comparing me to themselves. They don't understand or even try to understand mental health. They put down new ideas of how to make society better even if there is science behind it. They don't appreciate what i do around the house and tell me I should be doing more.

[2deep-2bherd]

I get more validation from strangers on Tik Tok than I do from people I know in real life.

[2deep-2bherd]

It's really frustrating to see people refuse to wear masks when I, a person who is suicidal, wear one because I realize it's to protect the people around me from dying.