it was never supposed to be like this. ryder didn’t plan on leaving her — didn’t plan on losing five goddamn years. he still remembered that day like it had been carved into the walls of his brain. the look on andi’s face when she held out those two sticks, trembling in her fingers. they cried right there on the ratty old couch in his apartment, holding each other like the world might cave in. he’d kissed her belly and promised things would be different. that he’d clean up, get out of the mess he was in, stack enough cash to find them a place with a real backyard and a nursery with a crib that didn’t come secondhand. but life had other plans. or maybe he just fucked it all up, like always.
he’d spent five years in that concrete box thinking. too much thinking, maybe. that photo ⎯⎯⎯ crumpled at the corners, worn soft from his hands ⎯⎯⎯ was the only thing that got him through. his daughter. alina. he’d never held her. never heard her laugh. never knew if she liked dinosaurs or dolls. that shit clawed at him at night, kept him awake more than the cold or the noise. and he knew deep down he didn’t have the right to be mad at andi; she didn’t put him behind bars. he was the one who left, even if he didn’t walk away by choice. but still … no calls, no letters, not even a single word. five years. it left a bitterness on his tongue he couldn’t quite shake. he told himself he had to let it go if he wanted any shot of being in alina’s life. so he bit it back. every damn time it rose up in his chest, he swallowed it down.
now standing here , outside her house, his heart was a drumline in his ears. andi was talking, but all he could look at was the little face pressed to the window. his daughter. his blood. she had his nose, his hair, even the same scowl he wore when he was trying not to cry. it hit him like a punch to the gut. he didn’t move toward the door. as much as he wanted to run to her, to lift her up and just … exist in her world for a second, he respected andi too much to cross that line. she wasn’t ready. he could see it in her stance, in the way her arms crossed like armor. when alina disappeared from view, ryder forced himself to look at andi again. she looked different ⎯⎯⎯ older, harder in some ways, but still her. her jeans hugged her hips, her hair was longer, and even now, she had that stubborn spark in her eyes. god, she’d deck him if she knew what was going through his head.
“ pretend ? are you fuckin’ kidding me , andrea ? ” he snapped, her name hissing off his tongue like venom. his jaw clenched. “ you think this was pretend for me ? i know i wasn’t there when you needed me. i know that shit was hell for you, carrying her alone. but don’t stand there and act like i didn’t try. i called. i left messages. hell, i begged. ” he stopped, voice shaking just enough to betray him. he didn’t want to do this here, on her front lawn like some soap opera scene. alina was inside. andi looked like she was barely holding it together, and the last thing he wanted was to be the reason she broke. he reached a hand out without thinking, wanting to touch her shoulder, say something that would fix even a fraction of what was broken, but dropped it quickly. she probably wouldn’t let him anyway. and honestly ? he wouldn’t blame her.
“ i came here ‘cause i didn’t know what else to do , ” he said, voice quieter now. “ i just wanted to see her. to make sure you were okay. that she was okay. ” he exhaled, frustration curling at the edges. “ i ain’t here to play house or mess with her head. i know i’m a stranger to her. but i’m not gonna disappear again. i’d never break her heart. never. you might not believe it, but i love that little girl more than i ever thought i could love anything. i swear to god, andi ⎯⎯⎯ i’d die before i let her down again. ” his voice cracked at the end, but he didn’t care. let her see him raw. let her see how wrecked he really was. maybe then she’d know it had never been pretend.
