To my brother

Something for my little brother to see once Im gone

[2mylittlebrother]

Hey Little Brother,

I just realized that your birthday is soon. A few months away but still pretty close. I have several things I want to make for you but skills for it is lacking. I want to practice enough to get better for you. It's hard to up in the morning. My body hurts, mostly my back. It holds me back from getting anything done. I just want to lay here until I die. Just kidding. I want to get better, I want to walk around more. My friend said I should swim so I can ease the back pain more. I'm going to see if I can can swim everyday. At least an hour, for 30 days. Im sorry I can't see you in August. Flights are pretty crazy these days. I hope you're okay. Im sorry Im not there to save you from mom's verbal abuse. I'll visit you soon, I promise. I miss you.

Your big sister

[2mylittlebrother]

Something scary happened literally right outside where I live. There was a man screaming for help. He was saying "Help, get off of me, let go of me." The police were called. They got away and the victim wasn't there. I can't help but feel like danger is inching closer and closer to where I am. It started by my elementary school, then where I used to pick up groceries for my work place and then in front of where I used to work. Why can't it like it used to be? I don't get it. I hate it here. I'm most worried about my family getting caught in these situations.

[2mylittlebrother]

Hey Little Brother,

How great would it be if we lived till the end of our lives. I know it's scary that someone lost their life right outside of where you work. It would be selfish of me to say not to work there anymore. But we can't avoid going outside forever. I just wish that outside wasn't so scary. I wished people didn't have guns in the first place.

I hope that I can be with you until the end of time. If I died before you, please don't be sad. We shared a lot of happy memories together. You made me laughed so much. I'll be lying if I said I wasn't afraid to die, but honestly, death scares me to no end. Before you asked if I think about it, I do but I wouldn't be able to tell you everything I think about. The list would get too long. I can name a few things here. The existencal crisis has been plaguing my mind since I was a child. I was in 2nd grade when my teacher said there was a end. Questions that children would normally think of,started forming. "Am I going to see anyone of my family and friends?'' "Where do I go when I die?" "What's the point of trying so hard when in the end it doesn't matter?" I think it got worse in my adolescent years. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when I was hospitalized. I wish I could be a better sister to you. My biggest fear is that I won't be able to see you again or remember you. I don't want to forget you. I hate thinking about parting ways from you. I want to be able to control these thoughts better. I hope you can heal through this grieving time.

From your older sister

[2mylittlebrother]

Hi little brother,

Is it weird that I can't listen to hey brother without feeling homesick and missing you? I know I shouldn't feel sad since you're here, right besides me. But I can't help but have the thought that you might outlive me one day, or I outlive you. It scares me to think about it. You're always helping me whenever my health isn't doing well. Im forever greatful that you helped me. I don't think I can do the same. When I get you gifts, you scold me for using too much money. I have thought of another way to show you my thanks but it might take months to make. What if it's too sappy for you or you'll get second hand embarrassment from watching it. I'm really bad at conveying my feelings but I'll try to work on it by then. Do you think I'll get to see you again when we die?

[2mylittlebrother]

Hey, little brother.

I know you don't like me outing your identity online so I'll refer to you as little brother on my posts from now on. I doubt you'll ever find this blog but that's okay. There's so much I have trouble speaking from just my tongue. Hell, I don't talk like an adult. If anything I sound like a child with a lisp. Hopefully I can use this blog to get my thoughts out of my head. Like things that are bothering me or things that I admire about you. Let this be my outlet for a while until I die. Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you like that. I might be suicidal but I know better than to make any moves towards myself. I'll be a terrible big sister if I left you alone like that. The world is a scary place. I hope my words bring you comfort. Not much of an introduction here...I'll sign off for now. Big sis out~