National Poetry Month

National Poetry Month ~THE PROJECT~ I was going to do 30/30 always, one poem every day for 30 days, for National poetry month. For my poetry class I may also: Reading one poem every day for 30 days and writing a little bit about...

[3030copans]

April 30/30: Loving

I either under  

react or over react  

Thank you for loving  

me through both, through all  

of it; thank you for support 

I love you so much 

[3030copans]

April 29/30: Kiss

I will always  stop whatever I'm doing  to kiss you, Honey

[3030copans]

April 28/30

[keepcalmanduseyourpatronus]

April 27/30: Calming Eyes

Her eyes melt me in

 the happiest, safest place;

 their color calming

[3030copans]

April 26/30

The worst thing is when

your body does not even

know what it wants

When no clothing seems right

you just hide in sweatshirts

trying to forget what it feels like underneath

The worst is when your body betrays you

in ways that you have no control over

and then it does not know what it wants

does not know what could make it feel right

what could outweigh everything weighing you down

when you cannot breathe and swear you are about to drown

and it is hard to tell what is worse

those states of drowning

the ones you feel numb

or the states of feeling out of your body but hurting 

[3030copans]

April 25/30: Holding

Even when I am 

falling out of my body 

you hold me back in

[3030copans]

April 24/30

Sometimes I look at the mirror

staring at the glass 

wondering if it will shatter

if I will shatter

I listen to the shards

but the silence rings so hard.

Maybe I was never meant to get answers

Maybe that is why I forget so much from when I was a young child 

  I cannot seem to put a finger on this

yet somehow I am still cutting something

somehow still drawing blood

Maybe trying to draw answers

But when my body shuts down

when each limb and organ crawl into each other

when this body folds into itself

I cannot even imagine what it must be thinking 

I no longer know what even I must be thinking

  This shell feels so wrong today

that I cannot even crawl inside of it

Instead I feel myself trying to crawl out of it

Then, when someone sees me trying to escape

and asks what is wrong

my words cannot crawl out

everything I cannot say is crawling across my skin

clawing at the cells 

clawing at the inside of my throat

 It feels wrong

feels like I am about to short circuit 

These empty thoughts are trapped in mirror fog

when I try to wash whatever is hovering at my skin off

and I try scrape out whatever buried itself

  I have spent years not looking at mirrors

But sometimes I find myself staring into the glass

like something is hidden in there

like maybe if I open the cabinet I will find something

I wonder if the glass will shatter

if I will shatter 

and if that will be my answer 

or if that will reveal my answers 

[3030copans]

April 23/30

I am happiest 

when I wake up next to you. 

We stretch, yawn, smile.

[3030copans]

April 22/30: When My Girlfriend Says She Hates Her Body

When my girlfriend says she hates her body,

I am holding her close

I feel so comfortable and so safe

I cannot imagine how she hates something that creates such beauty

She is such beauty

But I remember that most humans struggle with such things

I remember that I too struggle with such things

  When she says that she hates her body

I tell her that she is beautiful

I tell her I appreciate her and I love her more than she knows

I tell her she is smart, funny, cute, fun, sweet, loving

I tell her she makes me so happy

  When she says she hates her body, I do not want her to focus on it,

but when she says she hates her body, I want to mold each negative comment into positives

When she says she hates her body, I want to transform her words and hand them back gently and lovingly ,

so, I ask for her words

I say, “baby, what do you hate about your body?"

  She says

her hair is frizzy

her teeth are weird and have not been a white a day in her life

She says her face has gotten fat

makes the typical body-hate comment on breasts

says her stomach has lost its abs

says her legs too have gotten fat

repeats,”I have never been this wide, I have never been this wide,

I have never been this wide"

She comments on her arms, calls them fat too

Calls out all of her body hair,

says she should be shaving her arms also

She speaks of her flat feet and claims her toes take weird shape

She hates her toe nails and what figure skating did to them

Says her fingers are weird too

because she has broken almost all of them

she does not really like her hands

I stop her here

 I say,”sweetheart, look at me,"

and I take her face in my hands

she tries to nuzzle her head to my shoulder

hiding the face I love more than anything

I hold her a minute 

before moving her head again

“honey,"

  I look in her eyes as if my words can transfer into her

I want her to believe every one of them

I go back through her list

I listened to with intent 

Her hair is soft,

I love to run my fingers through it

Her teeth are cute, and none of that matters

I love to kiss her lips

Her face is soft too, and I love to stroke her cheeks, and hold and kiss her face

I tell her that what she said of her breasts is normal, is not important

I tell her that her stomach is cute, and tickling her and making her laugh and smile is the best

Her smile is the best

I continue to look her in the eyes as I speak, holding the face I love so much

I say that her eyes always give me all of the words or melt them all away

Her face melts me

I tell her that her legs are soft too and that I love the way they curl around me

when she clings to me in her sleep

I love the way we hold each other in our sleep

I tell her that I love her and stroke her hip

I tell her I love holding her

When I hold her waist

or she cuddles into my shoulder

or lays in my chest

we fit so perfectly

I remind her that her arms are my most favorite place

they make me feel so calm, and so safe

When she holds me I am home

the comfort and love of her hugs and her cuddles are everything

She is everything

I tell her she does not have to shave her arms

She can do whatever she wants if she wants to,

but she does not have to do anything she doesn’t want to do, ever

I tell her everyone finds all shaving annoying

I tell her I love her more than she knows

I tell her that her feet take us on the most lovely walks 

I say I love holding her hand as we walk,

love just holding her hand,

love the feeling of her fingers in mine

  When she tells me how she hates her body

I will tell her everything that she creates

I will tell her everything that she is

I will tell her everything I love

I will mold her words into something she can see beauty in

I will listen with intent 

transform each phrase,

each negative comment into positive

then hand them back with a smile

  I will always make her smile

I will always make her laugh 

I will always tell her she is beautiful

I will always tell her she is important

I will always remind her how happy she makes me

always reminder her how much I love her 

I will always make sure she knows how much she matters to me, and how much she matters

I will always say I love you

[3030copans]

April 21/30

This year, it will be

ten fucking years

I am trying so hard not to forget

But I feel time stealing my memory 

Filling this emptiness with my worst fear of forgetting you 

I feel like I owe you better than this 

I feel like mom’s guilting is of no excuse

  I think about you so much, dad

Yet I cannot remember things that actually happened when you were alive

My mind instead tries to place you here

wanting to hear what you would say about everything that is

happening with me today

  I wish I could feel you support my gender identity and sexual orientation

I wish I had you as I applied for law school as I also wished for undergrad

I with I could hear you say that you are proud

I wish you were here to tell me that you love me regardless of my identity 

I wish you could hug me

I wish you could meet and hug my girlfriend

loving her because she makes me so happy

I wish you could see me finally feeling happy

I wish that now that my girlfriend and I have a legally upheld right to marry

if we marry you could be here

  For the past ten years I always said I want you here

  I hate that I cannot remember a great deal of childhood

It feels like my fault

I spent so long trying to fill you into now

I erased thens

I spent so long erasing myself

Maybe I erased you too

I am drawing myself back

into pictures I could only dream about

I day dream drew you into so many pictures

I stayed so close to walls 

I get lost in day dreams 

  I drown in the waves of how much I miss you

Is it weird that this shit comes in waves?

Maybe today was one of the hard days because I subconsciously

remember you being put into the hospital

I could not actually tell people when you did though,

I only know you died May 18th

My graduation will be May 20th, and I swore my math would tell me

commencement and the anniversary would be the same day

I can only say that ten years ago,

you were in the hospital before my 12th birthday on May 1st

around the end of school April vacation 

  Is it weird that I only recall blurred edges?

Is it weird that I may be able to find a subconscious reason

to this wave of missing you today 

Yet for the most part

this shit comes in wave

Sometimes lurking at my toes 

Sometimes pulling me into its undertow

Sometimes crashing over me

Why am I still crashing?

I wish you could see my life raft.

[3030copans]

April 20/30: Geographical Privilege

When I walk down the street

Holding your hand

and kiss you when any stranger could see

I never forget for even a second

how lucky I am.

  We have counted the dirty looks that we get,

along with the smiles and nods,

and there have been so many more of the former,

but the difference where we live is that a dirty look is usually the worst thing that happens.

  I think about privilege.

For the two of us, I think geographical privilege is a reality.

I do not think about if it is unsafe to hold your hand

and to give other public displays of affection.

I only think how lucky I am that I do not think about this.

We say that we feel safer holding hands while we walk through the city.

When groups of men pass by, seeming rowdy, and we can’t quite tell

if they’re commenting on us 

you and I hold each other’s hands tighter,

and pull at waists and shoulders, holding our bodies closer.

Yes, verbal ropes can lurk and eyes can dagger,

but we can laugh this off,

this doesn’t hurt.

There are not posts for these verbal ropes to physically tie us to.

Actual stones are not being thrown at us.

Even when our gender identities and gender expressions enter the equation

this has remained the same 

  This is not North Carolina

This is not Mississippi

This is not Indiana 

This is not to say there have not been times that people have made us feel unsafe,

but this is to say that there is greater danger than what we have faced,

and this is to say

when I see myself unafraid to hold you in public

I know how lucky I am

And when I hold you, my love,

I know how lucky I am.

[3030copans]

April 19/30

Your eyes draw in my attention. 

They have the power to make the rest of the world melt away, 

My Love, you melt me. 

People say we hug, kiss, and cuddle so much 

And I say I forget other people are there. 

When I am with you, nothing else matters. 

Your eyes have the power to make time stop, 

and your touch has a way of moving time to the side. 

Your smile is my North Star 

and you, Honey, you are my universe. 

Sweetheart, you are Home

[3030copans]

April 18/30

There are poems in your eyes that I want to read  each morning and night. 

[3030copans]

April 17/30

I express my love in poetry

pulling out words to give to you

hoping that they can make you truly feel how much

I care about you, appreciate you, value you, 

How much I love you

How in love I am with you 

I show my love physically 

to explain that words mean everything that they are defined as and so much more

and you mean more to me than you could ever completely comprehend 

I show my love physically

The intimacy of a soft hand caressing a sweet cheek

The intimacy of tender kisses and long, tight hugs

Gentle cuddles, bodies entangled like roots

grounding 

Light fingers tracing sides and spines

memorizing each other’s outlines 

Eyes caught in each other and smiles that always elicit the other person’s smile 

I think of you and my heart is flying through the milky way

I know you’ll say “that’s gay, babe"

because we reclaim jokes about our sexuality

And I will smile and say, “lucky you"

the same way you say that to me 

when I make this joke to you

I will also say, “gay as in happy

you make me so happy"

You will tell me I also make you so happy 

We express our love physically,

hearts swelling so big,

there is not much room for all the words we want to give each other

hearts are beating through our bodies, towards each other's

hearts swelling so big

love cannot be contained

we curl into these puzzle piece bodies so clearly designed to fit together

our synchronized souls write poems 

[3030copans]

April 16/30 Lucky Perfection of You

How lucky I am

to know of these two bodies 

fitting perfectly 

[3030copans]

April 15/30

Sweetheart, don't ever doubt for a second how in Love I am with you

[3030copans]

April 14/30

Have you ever felt 

silence? How it spins a room? 

How it strangles… drains?