A monster’s way of loving: on the nature of "Hikaru's" love for Yoshiki
Is “Hikaru” in love with Yoshiki? In reality, “Hikaru” does not seem to categorize forms of love into friendship and (versus) romantic love. He simply loves, that's all, and Yoshiki happens to be the one he loves most.
Since his nature is shaped by constraints very different from those that govern human existence, saying that romantic love, as we understand it, exists in him makes little sense. In humans, love involves s*xual desire, monogamous exclusivity, and long-term projection because love is tied to reproduction, whereas in “Hikaru’s” world, reproduction has no place at all and is not a factor.
For that reason too, speaking of a gay romance between them is technically inaccurate, since “Hikaru’s” true form has no s*x, precisely because the concept of reproduction does not exist for him. Even using masculine pronouns for him is, strictly speaking, technically inaccurate.
His love operates through non-human mechanisms. “Hikaru” explains what he feels for Yoshiki through two things: the attraction he feels toward Yoshiki’s soul, and the fact that Yoshiki accepted him completely as a monster. Both of these are specific to “Hikaru”: they are experiences rooted in his own nature, and could not have been borrowed from Hikaru Indou.
Despite the obvious differences between “Hikaru”’s way of loving and humans' way of loving, “Hikaru” is aware of how intense and overwhelming his feelings are, to the point that he sometimes loses control and becomes afraid of his own emotions.
We may say that “Hikaru” does not seem to desire Yoshiki s*xually, nor does he seem attached to any concept of exclusivity, but “Hikaru” constantly fights the instinctive desire to absorb Yoshiki’s soul. He also takes pleasure in being in contact with Yoshiki’s soul: absorbing a soul can, in human terms, be compared to having a s*xual relationship. Even if the two are only similar on the surface, this shows that “Hikaru”’s love is neither disembodied, nor purely spiritual, nor childlike. There is a dimension of contact and possession that can be compared to s*xual desire, and even to carnal desire.
“Hikaru” sees Yoshiki as his reason to live, his will to keep living. He is ready to return to the mountain for Yoshiki’s sake, even though the thought of being alone again crushes him. He sees himself as a monster because of his different way of loving, and yet he is willing to make the greatest sacrifice: giving up his own happiness for the person he cares about most. He understands that they cannot be happy together, so Yoshiki will be the one who gets to be happy.
He also endangers himself physically by suppressing his own strength, giving a piece of himself to Yoshiki and putting himself at risk just so Yoshiki will not reject him. It is an act of self-sacrifice meant to keep Yoshiki close, and a testament to both his desire to change and his love for Yoshiki. He bends, twists, breaks, and even destroys parts of himself for Yoshiki’s sake.
To us, “Hikaru”’s love resembles a passionate, instinctive, sacrificial, unconditional, and even transcendent form of romantic love: qualities rarely found in human relationships. "Hikaru’s" love for Yoshiki seems to share essential features of human romantic love, and at the same time goes beyond it.
After all, “Hikaru” loves Yoshiki for reasons that fall outside the human way of understanding love: he never speaks of Yoshiki’s appearance, voice, or looks, but only of his soul. "Hikaru" ignores outward appearances and accepts Yoshiki in what is most essential and profound, at the deepest level.
But is it really correct to say that “Hikaru”’s love surpasses human romantic love? His way of loving goes beyond our categories, but not necessarily beyond our capacity to love; at the very least, we do not have enough information to assume that. His love simply follows axes that are not human, without necessarily being “higher.” In reality, we know very little about what makes a soul attractive to “Hikaru,” so we are forced to project our own ideas onto it, which means we risk completely missing what actually draws him to Yoshiki.
In some ways, it does seem nobler to us: a love directed at the soul rather than the body, untouched by appearance or gender. But in other ways, it is far more unsettling, and even dangerous. The possibility of fusion implies the erasure of the other: a love that consumes itself, because once two beings merge, there is no relationship left. In “Hikaru”’s case, loving Yoshiki can mean endangering Yoshiki’s independence, and even his existence. If he absorbed Yoshiki, Yoshiki would simply cease to be. So “Hikaru”’s love is not better or worse than human love, it is different and belongs to a reality outside our own.
In truth, speaking of love in “Hikaru”’s case is not fully accurate. It is only an attempt, based on our own experiences, to get closer to what “Hikaru” feels for Yoshiki. These notions help us approach what he feels, yet they still fall short of capturing its reality. Just as “Hikaru” struggles to understand human love, we struggle to understand the full extent of what he feels for Yoshiki.
For me, the hardest part is resisting the instinct to label their bond as "simple" human romantic love. Like the villagers with Yoshiki, we are asked to open ourselves to a form of love we cannot fully understand or experience. And yet, this post is, by definition, a failed attempt to understand what “Hikaru” might feel. Any attempt to define this love inevitably misses what it is. This post is already a distortion of what “Hikaru” actually experiences, an imperfect sketch, but the only one available to me (to us), because we are unable to think outside a human perspective.
