Chicken joy loving

My name is Richard Solar. I'm an Electrician's Mate in the United States Navy. Drumming and photography are my passions and I really like to eat. Did I also tell you that I'm in the Navy?

[32st]

I’ve learned to just depend on myself and if I don’t get something, I’ll figure it out. I can’t depend on anyone for anything and more times than not, I’ll just end up doing it myself anyway. This shit gets old real quick when people keep calling and complaining about how they can’t do this or that. How about you figure that shit out and stop complaining about it. Just look it up or troubleshoot something until you understand what the fuck is going on.

If you can’t handle your shit as an adult, I don’t know what to tell you. The Navy taught me that I can never really depend on anyone unless it’s in combat and you’re in an environment where you have to depend on each other to get home. Other than that, people just don’t get it and probably never will.

[32st]

Loss.

It’s hard to really put into words how these past few years have been to me. Some words that do come to mind are unkind, painful, lonely and terrible. These past few months alone have been some of the hardest months yet. I hate when people ask me how I’m still standing after the emotional toll that death has on people when someone close to them passes away. I don’t fucking know. Stop asking me. I’m barely functioning. I can barely muster up the energy in the morning anymore. It feels like my entire life is being stripped away from me and I can’t do anything to stop it. I just have to sit there and watch everyone I know and love just leave while I have to keep going and I’m running out of reasons to do just that.

If God really has a plan, I wish he told me because I’m in the dark. I don’t know what’s happening anymore. Why are you stripping everything away from me? Haven’t you done enough to me? Let me walk away from all this with some pride and dignity. I’m a broken man. I’ve barely survived these last five years. Let me go with my head up.

[32st]

Today, I miss you a little more. I miss you jumping into my bed and snuggling right next to me, taking a deep dreary and going to sleep. I still miss you poking your head around the corner to see if I was making you something to eat. What was mine was yours. And I’ll miss how you knew when I was stressed out, angry or sad and you refused to leave my side until you knew I was okay. I really need you right now, little one. I wish you were still here.

[32st]

Today I realized I am the most senior electrician on the USS Nimitz. I’m so fucked. 52 days and counting down.

[32st]

You’ll never appreciate life as much as I do until you go into a room and there’s a kid aiming a rifle at you and you don’t even have a split second decision to make. You take the round to the vest, hope it doesn’t penetrate and pull the trigger yourself.

[32st]

Instead of taking people away, just take me away and spare everyone else the pain and sorrow of losing loved ones. The only thing I’ve got going for me is the Navy. The world can do without someone like me around anymore.

[32st]

Failing

I like to think that I’m doing just fine now after a few weeks of letting myself feel the emotions I needed to feel and go through. Today, I was put on my ass by the memories and I found myself in a fan room, throwing shit all over the place in anger and screaming at the top of my lungs. We’re supposed to watch over each other and make sure we get through the rough days together, no matter how hard they get but I failed as a shipmate and as a friend. 

If you ever feel like you’re in a dark place, talk to someone. Anyone. Get that shit out. Don’t feel like what you’re going through is permanent and that no one has felt or gone through the same thing as you. We all go through dark periods in our lives. We all hit rock bottom but it’s in the fashion of how we get back up that shows who you really are. And I believe you can do it.

[32st]

Home.

The biggest thing I hate about going home is that people will complain to me about traffic. Most of the time, I have to drive back to the Bay Area and it’s around 11-13 hours with no traffic and around 16-18 hours with traffic. So, where does my sympathy start to kick in when I come home? It doesn’t. If you’re not willing to come out to see me, I’m not going to break my back to go and see you. 

I’ve been in Washington for almost five years and a lot of people always claim that they miss me but they’ve never made the time to come out and see me up there. They’ll tell me that it’s too expensive but I’ll see them go to LA and go to music festivals which I know are way more expensive than a 180 dollar flight and a trip to Seattle and hang out. This is why when I go home, I probably only see a handful of people because they’ve always been a constant in my life since I joined the Navy and everyone else has become a fairweather friend.

[32st]

EM3 Nunez and EM2 Calhoun both served as side boys today. EMFN Coleman and EM3 Ardini served as part of the flag detail.

Vincent and I just sat there, drinking coffee and listened to our HOD speak one last time in a proper military fashion.

[32st]

This is my former Chief Engineer(CHENG), Commander Charles O. Jones, who was in charge of Engineering Department on the USS Nimitz from April 2017 to February 2019. He was a great CHENG who really pushed us to our limits and when we got there, he pushed even farther and we were able to do things we never thought we were able to do. If it wasn’t for his guidance and leadership, we wouldn’t have gotten on deployment and done what we had to do.

I have major respect for this man because he came into the Navy as an E-1, the lowest of the low. Now, he’s retiring as an O-5E, which is Commander and the E stands for prior enlisted. I don’t respect many officers but someone like CHENG who came from the enlisted ranks and made it this far deserves more respect than most. I mean, he also rewrote the electrical safety manual that electricians utilize in the Navy. 

It was a great honor to have served under him, worked alongside him and learn from him. He has a wealth of knowledge unparalleled by most and a sense of humor and wit that couldn’t be challenged or matched. I’ll miss seeing him in the p-ways, crouching down to get through the temp services running all over and the stories he shared with us.

Fair winds and following seas, CHENG.

As the side boys said earlier, “Commander Charles O. Jones, retired, departing.”

[32st]

There are still days where my life is put on pause and I have to take a few steps back because I’ll think of you and how you’re not here anymore. It’s like some cruel joke and I’m the punch line. 

Just know that I’m still trying to push back as hard as I can and honor your memory to the best of my ability but there have been days where I’d rather just give up instead of digging my feet in and bracing myself. 

I hope and pray that you’ve found the peace you couldn’t find in this life. 

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[32st]

If you never served in the military, your opinion on how the military should run holds no weight to active duty members or veterans. Keep your comments and beliefs to yourself because what we do is more than just black and white and what the media portrays us as.

[32st]

One of the last times I wore this uniform before I transitioned over to the new Type 3’s.

[32st]

Electrician’s Mate Third Class Sarath C. Kurakula

USS Nimitz

Engineering Department

Electrical Division

United States Navy

End of watch: December 7th, 2018.

[32st]

These last few weeks have been the toughest weeks I’ve gone through. Just trying to get up in the morning is a chore within itself. The loss of so many in so little time, I’m playing the game of could’ve, should’ve, would’ve in my head and I’m being way too harsh on myself but my mind is playing tricks on me and telling me that I could’ve prevented all of this. Truth be told, we cannot be held accountable for their actions and that’s a reality that I’m trying to tackle and failing miserably. 

As shipmates, we are supposed to support and protect each other, out at sea and back in port. We lead a very unique life, one that requires us to be away from family, from friends and from home. And we do it and most people think we’re okay with it. I’ve been gone for almost five years and the most people at home see me is once a year at the most. It’s not easy and it’s a terrible burden but we do it anyway. We volunteered to do it.

Sarath was away from family, friends, home and felt isolated amongst most of his own peers and I regret that. He was quiet amongst most people but I loved sitting down and talking to him because he was just like the rest of us. He had dreams and aspirations and wanted a normal life but he will never see that come true. Trying to live in a world where my brother is not here is like trying to mix water with oil. It just doesn’t work and it’s heart breaking to know he will never be here again.

I’m still sorry to this day and I don’t ever think I’ll really get over this pain.

[32st]

I’m sitting in kitchen because I’m cooking food for this Christmas Eve dinner party I’m attending later. As I sit here, I think of the pain from the loss of my good friend, Sarath Kurakula. It’s not just one emotion that I’m feeling. It’s been a roller coaster of waves of emotions and they always come heavy handed. 

I just wish there was something I could’ve said or done to help him realize that he was never alone and that we were always there for him, for emotional support and to be there for him in those troubling times that would ultimately lead him to take his own life.

I miss you, Sarath. These last few weeks have been the hardest and I’m barely holding on. Walking through the p-ways and the hangar bays, I still think I’ll see you but I know I won’t. 

Goddamn it, man. There shouldn’t have been an American flag draped over your casket now. It should’ve been later when you had lived a long, fruitful and prosperous life.