Untitled @3324hickory - Tumblr Blog

things i’ve learned from being in this relationship:

1- no matter how bad you want resolve things, if your partner is not willing to work them out with you, they will always resurface. or maybe never even wander too far off.

2- i will never be good enough for absolutely anybody. the only words that i’ve been consistently told are “i love you” “you need help” “ i don’t have the energy for you”. i can’t hear one of these phrases without the other two coming to mind.

3- if you feel down, nobody can help you feel better, you just have to do it on your own.,. not worth it to even mention my real feelings

4- nobody cares how you’re doing, people only ask because they would feel selfish if they didn’t.

5- no matter your intentions, every single person has their own intentions towards you.

6- i’m better off leaving everyone i’ve ever met behind... i don’t deserve to search for happiness. i have the life i have, just deal with it. everyone has issues.

7- i’m not a very likeable person. there’s just too much about me that’s wrong about me. i wish i wasn’t me, even if i think i’m great, i know how others see me... and it’s hard to try to be anything other than how i’m perceived.

8- if i had real support and understanding, i know i could be a person people look up to or even aspire to be.

9- life is sad. i’m going to be sad. everyone is sad. we can only try to be happy for as long as possible before inevitably we become sad again.

10- the people around you matter. if the people around me only have negative things to say about me, i’m going to want to distance myself from them.

11- you will be sad when i’m gone. although i’m annoying, and needy; i know i have an aura that can light up a room. this will be missed when i’m gone. i hope only that you’ve taken advantage of the beauty i can bring to you.

i’m laying in your bed, alone, wondering where you are. you’re mad at me because i didn’t tell you i wanted to talk to you? i did tell you and you put on a movie and didn’t even ask me what was on my mind. you continue to disrespect me and i’m getting really sick of it. i deserve someone who is going to stick by my side, and who will want to resolve issues rather than run away from them and make me deal with everything on my own. i do a lot and care a lot for what happens between us... by shutting me out you’re saying you don’t appreciate how much i care, and that i should just drop it because you won’t care like I do. thanks a lot, i think i’m a good boyfriend, i would hate to have to feel like it through someone else. i would like to see you appreciate and yearn for my affection like i know someone would. don’t lose me, don’t let me go because i know i can be great. i wish i was allowed...

he hates the things i love about me. i am super attentive, aware, and caring. i go out of my way 24/7 to make sure he’s happy. i’m always too much though, i ask for him to act like he likes me more if he really does he should be able to. i am always begging for him to be nicer to me. which makes him more mad and he is meaner to me. am i so wrong for wanting things to work out? i just want to talk about how i or we feel. i really am so exhausted of feeling so worthless. i love him but i also want to love myself.

i wish my boyfriend would like to see me... it’s christmas, school is over, and i don’t work all week. I get he wants to spend time with family but i think i qualify as family too. instead i have to wait until next week to see him. we can’t see each other another day when nothing is going on? i’m clearly being pushed aside, i wonder when he’s going to eventually just leave me. i hate having this knowledge, how do i keep being happy and cheerful, while waiting for him to break up with me? i just want to feel liked and wanted. someone out there has got to want to have someone like me around, right? whatever, i’m thinking too much and i just need to calm down and stop feeling like this. it’s wrong for me to feel this way, ever.

i’m a first generation college student. you hear the term a bit but you never really appreciate what it means. i think it’s one of the things i’m most proud of. i am the FIRST person with my last name, from generations and generations and generations before me, from anyone in my bloodline to EVER graduate from ANY college/university. and wow i am almost breathtaking by the amount of responsibility that comes with. i get to push the button to open those doors, i get to say “welcome to the greener side”, and i get to provide for those who come after me and their loved ones. spreading love through what i was given the opportunity to do. the sacrifices, hardships, and tears that were shed so i could sit in uni and educate myself to become a respectable and “leading” model for those who follow. i am allowed this honor, to be almost like the needle in the haystack. i know it sounds very eccentric and narcissistic, but i truly and so honored to be able to gift this not only for the future bloodline, but for every single person behind me who was not given this chance. these are some things that i wish to do in my lifetime, and the thought of a near death scares me, not about the death itself, but that i’ve gotten so close to breaking the code, so close to achieving the ultimate dream, and too willing to work for it just to be swept away. i’ll fight til the end to be happy, and everything from here on out will be to achieve this.

i live in constant fear that i will die someday, someday soon. don’t know why, don’t care why, i’ve been told by something that i will die soon. i don’t know how i feel about this hypothetical but i just know i wouldn’t want to leave this earth having anyone hate me. i’ve grown extremely nice and cautious because of this, and it honestly has made me become a much better person. and i also have a lot in my life i want to accomplish. a lot of dreams i want to achieve. things i want to build. honestly the biggest achievement in life that i can imagine is family. i want a family. i’m gay so i can’t have a conventional family, but i want my own little family. and i want someone who is also excited about becoming their own sustainable little group. i would enjoy making them feel safe, and free, and loved. i want to love, i love to love, and i love the tremendous amount of warmth i feel knowing i was able to make someone smile. i also really want to make my family and ancestors proud. i have to continue and strive for the top, i want to be able to scream and shout to them that i have opened the gates to a brighter future for my bloodline from here on out.

maybe his pride won’t let him open up to me, maybe he was never without the nurture of a caring and understanding parent, maybe he honestly straight to it does not care, maybe he doesn’t like me like he says he does. whatever the problem he has with me is; i will not judge him not hate him for it. i just want to understand so i can be more like that man he wants me to be. i don’t mind changing a little bit if it won’t harm me or distract him. i love him so much, he honestly is a part of my heart, and i would even go as far as to marry him instantly. however i know he doesn’t feel that way with me, it’s caused me a tremendous amount of pain, however maybe it’s time i stop feeling this way, maybe he needs to be able to take control of where this relationship goes, maybe he should decide when we take the next steps if any. i realize it’s not worth me having heart aches and shedding multiple tears. i hope i can be enough for him to want to spend the rest of his life with. i know now i need to tone it down and just try to level myself off, take off the emotional and needy edge. i know there’s people out there who would appreciate it the way i like, but i love my boyfriend so much that i would only go this far with him, nobody else.

also, my boyfriend gets mad when i ask him to be sympathetic and not just sit there and wait for me to stop crying just so he can continue to fight against me. 1. i can’t tell him if he’s bothering me. 2. i can’t cry anymore. 3. i have to consistently ask him to stop being so mean to me, to just stop talking to me like he wants to punch me. 4. i can’t wait for him to call me because he never will, and when i ask if he ever will he gets mad at me. 5. if i remember a situation or something i did then bring it up to support what i’m saying all of a sudden it never happened. 6. i need help, i know that, he brings it up every day, every phone call, every year i shed i will always hear those words. 7. if we have a disagreement and i’m in the middle of explaining, if it gets too difficult he will just hang up on me... won’t answer me for up to an hour or more. that whole time i’m crying and calling him nonstop. 8. i’m severely sick mentally, i’ve never found a good enough reason to get help, but i want to do it for him. he doesn’t understand that i’m not doing it on purpose, i have the thoughts i have, not sure why but only thing i can do is to try to ignore them temporarily. 9. i like feeling liked, i get really uncomfortable and self conscious when your energy is off. 10. i’m smarter than i seem, sometimes, i just shut up because no matter what i will be wrong. i’d rather deal with the pain of being suppressed than to continue to make you hate me more. although in the long-run it could cause an outburst so i have to learn to calm those down too. 11. i’m worth it, and i deserve real happiness. i can’t be wrong for wanting to fix things. 12. i want him to feel the desire to see me smile. i want him to enjoy sending me random lovely texts, i want to make him feel about me the way i feel about him. i know he’s too good for me, i know he probably won’t ever like me the way i like him... but a boy can dream.

annnnnd another night of being hung up on. this time, i asked him what HE thought HE was doing wrong... and all of a sudden i don’t know how to communicate and i’m the whole reason we always fight. i know not everyone will feel this way about me... i know someone will see my affection for what it is. i hope it’s my boyfriend but he is proving to me that i will never be what he is loooking for. so anybody have tips on how to be a brick so i don’t bother him with my emotions ever again?

sorry, but i want to feel loved... not just when i’m next to you. i deserve to feel liked, i can’t fall down that hole again. i’m going to start matching your energy, i bet you’re gonna wonder what’s wrong. i’m not longer your “labrador retriever” you took advantage of all the love i want to give you, if you won’t change for me then i don’t see the point in keeping up the game. i hope you don’t think i’m loving you less, i’m just exhausted from consistently trying to be romantic, fun, energetic when all i get is negativity and short responses. i don’t love you less, i just need it to be reciprocated with the same energy...

when will i learn to stop being the fool and defend my dignity? i deserve to have a say, i’m not a dog.

be-happy-al

3324hickory

i’m going to try it

i wait all day to talk to my boyfriend. i try so hard to talk to him, but he puts it off for the very last second... i think it’s so he doesn’t have to talk to me. i told him to call me because i knew i was falling asleep. he didn’t call, he knew i was sleeping, so he didn’t even text me twice. he didn’t say good night or i love you. i’m so tired of this. i don’t deserve this. i deserve better, it just sucks knowing that the man you love doesn’t love you back the way you want him to. maybe i’m better off alone. i keep seeing signs that the right person is out there somewhere. the signs all point to someone else, could it be true. i’d probably do my boyfriend a favor by leaving. even if it’s not true, i believe it’s true so there must be something going on. hell blame it on me though so i cat bring it up.

i wish i could see him more. but i don’t think he would like that. i think he likes me more when he sees me less.

i wish i had people to just message. just to say good morning, and like fill some of the empty hours of the day. how do you find friends? how do you just start talking to people? i promise i’m fun and kinda cool, i wonder why nobody seems to stick around.

you know those people that do stuff when it’s completely out of their interest? like they are being forced to be there? i feel like i’m forcing my boyfriend to stay with me. he’s said on multiple occasions that he wants to leave me, and that i need to fix my emotional baggage before i can think about being in a relationship. i’ve had to beg him multiple times not to leave me. i’m constantly annoying him, i consistently try very hard to be as nice as possible to him only to feel like i’m being annoying or unappreciated. i just want to be there for him, all i ask in return is that he hugs me when i’m sad, or tells me that things will be okay when i start to think otherwise. i want to know he’s going to help me when he can, or that he’s not going to give up on me. but if one of those changes then it can be very hard for me to be as persistent or as willing. i want to curl up and cry. i don’t want to feel like this, i want to shine again. i want to bless the world with my presence again, i remember being happy. i remember the joy i felt, especially around others. i feel so worthless now, it’s hard to be happy when you feel so unwanted.

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