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Bipolar 2: How it Feels

First things first. I need to clarify that MY personal struggles in no way represent all people with Bipolar 2 disorder. We are each unique, and our experiences are unique. So, just keep that in mind.

With all the recent news coverage of Catherine Zeta-Jones lately, I have been infuriated with the response from the media. Bipolar 2 does not mean someone is crazy. It does not mean they can’t work and live productive lives.

I have been wanting to talk about my struggles with Bipolar 2, because, while it does not control my life, it is a very big part of my personality that I want people in my life to know about. When you understand me and when you understand Bipolar 2, we can learn how to support one another.

It’s extremely scary to come out and talk about a piece of yourself that no one understands. Bipolar and mental disorders are so misunderstood in our society. I don’t want to be associated with someone in a straight jacket, but alas, the majority of society believes that of people with mental disorders.

I assume that announcing to the world that you are Bipolar is a bit like coming out. One will face stigma, backlash, possible professional repercussions, etc. Thanks to Catherine Zeta-Jones, we are talking about it…but is what they are saying necessarily true? Who knows.

This is a slow coming out of myself. No pictures. No names. Just the words and feelings of someone with Bipolar 2…me.

The first thing that came to my mind when I heard about Catherine Zeta-Jones? “Me, too, Catherine. Me, too.”

#bipolartype2 #bipolor #bpd #bpd2

bipolarnicole

The first step – diagnosis and acceptance

I’m not sure if anyone will ever read my blog, but I think this is a good starting point to talk about my new diagnosis of bipolar type 2. I was just released from a psychiatric hospital 3 days ago. What helped me most while I was there was talking to the other patients who have bipolar and asking them what their symptoms are and how they deal with them. I have scoured the internet looking for posts from others about their symptoms and decided to share mine.

First, i voluntarily admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital for suicidal ideation. My length of stay was 6 days where they evaluated my mood disorder and medications. In general, it was a scary, yet positive experience for me.

I will start from the beginning of this past year, although I believe my symptoms started when I was 15 years old. I was repeatedly misdiagnosed as having major depressive disorder as a teen and into my adulthood. As I have gotten older (I am 28 years old) my symptoms have become worse and worse.

Let’s start with the previous year of my life. I moved to a new state with a boyfriend I had been dating for about a year and a half. That itself started a depressive episode, but I figured that was more situational. Our relationship was rocky – we fought, i had outbursts of anger, I threatened to leave, I even physically hit him all in my depressive state. Another depressive episode was due to work. I wasn’t really doing something I was passionate about. And finally, the worst depressive episode that recently occurred was due to stress from a chronic inflammatory/nerve problem that I was just diagnosed with. I have read bipolar depression is related to stress – and this past year all the situations mentioned were stressful.

So, I want to share what my symptoms of bipolar depression are:

social isolation – i don’t want to take any phone calls, I don’t want to go outside my bedroom, I don’t want to interact with anyone mental sluggishness – my thoughts slow WAY down. It is like I am in auto-pilot just trying to make it though the day. I feel completely brain dead fatigue – if I am not at an activity I am required to be at (such as work) I am in my bed sleeping. I can sleep 12-15 hours a day and spend the rest of that time watching TV in bed dissociation – I have feelings that whats going on around me isn’t real, like i am in a dream or I am watching myself – like an out of body experience severe and debilitating depression – feeling hopeless, like I am never going to get out of this state of mind, and suicidal ideation inability to complete routine daily tasks – its hard to do normal things like exercise (I am a runner and have done half-marathons and was training for a full marathon), personal hygiene, going to work (missing, calling in, and when there my productivity is lower) paranoia – my paranoia is related to health – I have panic and anxiety that I am sick (i obsessively took my temperature for a month), that I am going to go blind, I am dying, I will feel tingling and think something really bad is happening, my dissociative symptoms cause panic, and whatever negative thing my mind makes up I will believe it. Now, this past year hasn’t been all a depressive episodes. I have had periods through the year where I feel normal and then there are the times of hypomania. I would also like to point out about 8 months ago, after a depressive episode I thought i was cured of my major depression that I had been diagnosed with my whole life. I felt great… so, i stopped all medications. BIG MISTAKE! Instead of what I thought was a miracle cure from depression, I had fallen into a hypomanic state. Now, I have had these feelings before, but like I said the symptoms have become worse and worse since I have gotten older, so in the past I had never stopped taking antidepressants, which I think helped level out the mania.

Now I want to share my symptoms while in a hypomanic state:

complete euphoria – everything around me looks better, is more beautiful. Music sounds better and its like I can feel the music racing thoughts and ideas – I come up with all sorts of things I could do or sign up for – new careers, quitting my job and traveling, new projects, starting a business, new activities. Thats all great, but I never complete or follow through with these. energy – I was getting up at 6am to work out, work a 10 hour shift, then party until 3. I was also drinking more, partying more, was the life of the party, always wanted to be out having fun, staying out all night. it was endless energy and decreased need for sleep sexual energy – during my hypomanic phase I had multiple partners and increased libido. I had the attitude of ‘I don’t care, you only live once’ risky behaviors that are out of character for me – I like to go out, but heavily drinking and partying until 5am is completely out of character for me. I was also drinking and driving and feeling invincible. In my normal state, I NEVER drink and drive and I know this is a reckless behavior. Some people say they have problems with over spending – I never did exhibit this behavior while hypomanic To sum up, i went from being the life of the party to socially reclusive. Right now, I am in a severe depressive state and actually sitting in my bed writing this blog.

After discharge I am set up to start therapy this week -both individual and group – and see a psychiatrist regularly. The hospital had be start on Lamictal for mood stabilization and Zoloft for depression. I am also taking Klonopin for my severe anxiety related to my depression.

I would love to hear feedback or comments from others! I will keep this blog updated as my journey with bipolar 2 is just beginning.

-Nicole

#bipolor #bpd #bpd2 #bipolartype2

princesconsuela

3emmakate

So true!

heyatleastitsnotcancer

I hate when people say “overcome” a disability or chronic illness. You don’t overcome something you will have the rest of your life, you learn to live with it and adjust around it.

slowheart

me, as a spy: ok gotta be quiet gotta be sneaky my joints: *crack*

hannahhillam

Sleep and brain: eternal enemies

heyatleastitsnotcancer

Sometimes I’m aggressive and angry and cynical and just plain mean to people because I’m in so much pain and am just so so tired. And I feel so guilty every time I lash out at someone. But sometimes it’s just hard to be happy and understanding when your whole body is radiating pain.

latenightdyke

Hi I was wondering what you do for pain :)

Hello! As always, what I do will differ from what helps anyone else, because pain and treatment are so individual and personal. It depends dramatically on the type of your pain, location, and severity, which are all usually in a state of flux. But I hope there’s a strategy here that’s worth trying.

I always start with positioning. When we’re in pain all the time we get used to being uncomfortable and sometimes don’t realize that the position we’re in is hurting us more. This is especially important for joint and back pain. So consider posture, lie down as much as you need, support the joints, and use ALL THE PILLOWS.

Soaking in warm water can be good for a lot of types, especially muscle pain. Use Epsom salt if you have it! Water also relieves tension caused by pain and improves circulation. Doing some physical therapy in a pool can really improve things, plus it’s a lot easier.

Having low overall activity helps me, but of course that’s not an option for everyone. (Don’t push too hard though!) Respect your body’s limits, no matter how inconvenient.

Using good support - canes, proper seating, good shoes.

Lots and lots of sleep. That’s hard as a student or employee but it’s extremely worth it. When I get 8 or more hours, I’m not guaranteed to wake up in pain, I have more time in my day before it gets bad. Also if I come home from an errand or appointment in a lot of pain, I go straight to bed, let myself take a nap or even just rest. Two hours later, things are much better. One of the reasons this works for me is because my pain is highly acute.

If stretching feels good to you, and docs don’t advise against it, do that!

Other relaxation/distraction techniques can help with dealing with the pain. For relaxation - diaphragmatic breathing, ASMR, closing your eyes, music, anti-anxiety meds or supplements, tea. For distraction - netflix, time with pets, tumblr, arts and crafts, hobbies, whatever sounds fun/easy.

And of course medications. I don’t have many tips for those other than, if you have something that can be taken as needed, don’t start your day with it if you know you’ll be in pain. Take this once pain starts to increase and you’ll have more available for the day if it gets severe.

Also if there are pills/patches/devices that don’t usually work that well, use them anyway for high pain days (as long as they’re safe to mix). Even if it doesn’t make a huge difference, it helps to feel like we’re doing something about it instead of just suffering.

Lastly, ask people to help you to avoid increasing pain past your limit. You don’t have to be at your absolute worst before you need some assistance. If you need someone to make you food because you’re at a 7 and by the time you’re finished you’ll be at a 9 and unable to eat it, ask! If you need someone to bring you a medication, call the doctor’s office for you, give you a massage or anything that might help, ask! The people around you should want to minimize your suffering if they can. And you’re doing fantastic by continuing to live with it.

I wish I had some better tips, you’ve probably heard all of these. Unfortunately, pain and treating pain is one of the least studied fields of medicine so we’re kind of on our own.

I’ve tried acupuncture and essential oils and crap. Acupuncture worked for a little while and then just got painful. Essential oil is a gimmick (although they do smell nice). Special diets aren’t really doable for me with eating being pretty difficult right now, but I’m skeptical. We aren’t in pain because we eat greasy pizza - we’re in pain because we have diseases.

I hope your pain lowers! I hope you get to enjoy something even while in pain. Lots of luck and love!