Elienay

Description

[3llisblog]

First drawing after 2 years of nothing. I’ve lost so much of my talent I hope I can improve again

[3llisblog]

Blog number twelve

Okay this is from what happened yesterday, sorry I haven't written in the last three days I've been getting high at night and forgetting to write.

SO yesterday I woke up at 5:something because the previous day I went to bed at like 10pm, a lot earlier than my usual 4 am bedtime and I woke up just in time before my mom went to work and I needed to babysit my sister. My sister was sleeping so it was chill for the first 3 hours before she woke up, I made her food, and out her back to sleep. When I put my sister to sleep I also went to bed and when she woke up at like 12 I was super tired and ended up calling out of work which was... somewhat of a stupid decision because that means I will only work ONE day this week, meaning my paycheck will be like 40 bucks.

Did my boss only give me two days to work this week? Well no. He gave me four, however I asked for the 18th and the 19th of this month off two weeks ago. The schedule came out on Sunday and he put me to work those two days, I texted him about it and nothing!!! he didn't even see the message. This is outrageous and so disrespectful. I wouldn't be this mad if it wasn't the first time it happened but it's a pattern, every time I ask for a day off its as if I ask him to put me to work those specific days off. It doesn't help that i'm the youngest at my job and it's a little hard for me to stand up to him. There's so much drama and lore behind this job and if I didn't absolutely need a job because i'm heavily lower class I would've quit months ago when my shift manager who is 20 years older than me slapped my ass. I've been looking for another job for 4 months and I still haven't found anything, and like I said I need the money so I can't just quit.

anyways!! so I called out yesterday and after I called out I realized I had a missed call from my friend and when I called her back she asked me to go to the movies with her. I said yes but I initially told her no because I had just called out and I didn't want to do shit that day since I've been working for like 6 days straight and also didn't want to ask my mom in the off chance she said no and ruined my day. I thought about it a little bit more and decided to ask my mom and she just said yes, By this point it was already 3 and my friend (Zuleymi) asked me to tell her before 7 if I was going with her or not.

I get ready and then head over to her house on my scooter around 6:40 and while I'm at her house I end up changing outfits completely because she told me to try some shorts she didn't want anymore on and when I did she asked me why not go like that since her and her sister were also wearing shorts. I also changed my shirt because they had this camouflage shirt i've been looking for and she let me borrow it. so I went from juicy tracksuit pants and a plain white shirt with red shoes to jean shorts and s camouflage shirt with grey shoes.

We Ubered to the the movie theatre and we wanted to see a scary movie but all the one we wanted to see were r rated and we needed to be 18 to buy it for someone else, me and Zuleymi are 17 (well me in 3 weeks) and her sister is 13 so we couldn't buy her a ticket. We settled for the minions movie but that didn't start until 9 and it was currently 7:30. We had like and hour and a half to kill so we went to the chili's in front of the movie theater. we were going to do that after the movies but things didn't turn out the way we planned, we adapted though.

It was my first time at chili's and honestly my first time hearing about it, I thought it was a fast food restaurant like Taco Bell or something. When we're at the restaurant we order chicken and fries, which I throw up later, and then we order a lava cake, which I also throw up later.

At the restaurant we just joke around and talk shit about our jobs, well me and Zuleymi do, and we talk about hoe lucky Helen is. Helen is Zuleymi's younger sister who reminds me so much of my younger sister Jireh whom I haven't seen in almost 7 years so i'm always so nice to Helen. While joking around me and Zuleymi talk about how were complete opposites and stuff, we also talked about how she drinks and I smoke and we told her sister to not do any of it. It was a nice conversation.

at the movies we go to the small arcade that's inside the movie theatre and we take some photos at the Photo Booth which come out looking like dog shit but WHATEVERR.

We go to the bathroom before the movies and I get really fucking high before it and honestly watching the minions high asf is one of the best things I've ever experienced. Side note: that movie was amazing and one of the best cinematic pieces ever oh my god. The animation and story line as well as historical accuracy and the side romance plot was incredible.

I forgot a lot about yesterday but nonetheless this is most of what happened.

Then the day before it was a Sunday I finally had a conversation with my new coworker because we both went too there bathroom at the same time, I went there to smoke and she was in a stall which I knew. I had a feeling she was a smoker so I purposely went top the stall next to hers (there are only two stalls anyway) and dropped my wax on purpose, and what do you know? she leaves her stall at the same time and we smoked together it was nice. she's super chill and like 100% a lesbian.

I got high at night and forgot to write sorry about that.

[3llisblog]

blog number eleven

Today I really really struggled to get up from bed. I was so incredibly tired from the night before because I went to bed at like 6 am for no reason. I was on call with my younger sister, who's back in Honduras and there's a two hour difference between us so my 1 am was her 11 pm. Me and my sister talked about our grievances, mostly her because she's younger and I wanted to be a shoulder to cry on. We also bonded over music and we had a few genres in common but not much. My younger sister who is in the united states with me, was in my room because I took her to my room while talking to my other sister. I took the baby from my mom because I just felt like spending time with her and it was all fun and games until it was 1 am and she dint want to go to fucking bed which was when I took her to my mom. by this point I had finished talking to my sister and was just listening to music and whatnot and I started feeling a little horny and took care of myself.

I called my boyfriend a little after, unrelated to my earlier horniness, and he was asleep and didn't answer but the second I hung up the call he called me right back in a state of sleepiness. this really surprised me because my boyfriend is such an asshole to anyone and specially when they wake him up. I know this because he once told me that his dad woke him up for whatever reason and he raised his voice at his dad and dad "what you want n-word". He's black so this sent an issue but it just speaks to the lengths he's bothered when someone wakes him up. When he called me and I said hello super cheerfully he replied with a sweet tone and asked me what was up. I could hear in his voice that he had literally JUST woke him up and he said yeah but that it was fine, I then told him I just wanted company and told him to go back to bed which he promptly did. I thought it was sweet the visible difference in which he treats me and everyone else so I thought id mention it.

I woke up at different times thought out the day, 9, 10:40, 11:30, 12, and then finally I woke up Around 1 pm because I had to get ready for work. my mom did wake me up around 9 to tell me that she was going to the beach which I brushed up and didn't realized she was asking men to go with her but I would've said no anyways because I hate the beach.

I made myself a bacon egg and cheese sandwich and then tried to throw it up but I felt so weak I couldn't even do that. I didn't talk to anyone other than my boyfriend but it was really brief, Ive been distancing myself from him a little bit. not because I want to break up but because I want him to need me as much as I need him and he has been a little more nicer to me ever since which I appreciate. told him I was doing this too so its not like its a miscommunication, I hate a miscommunication trope.

I also texted my coworker and he has my wax ready. I gave him 30 bucks a while ago for wax but he gave me Nic and I don't do Nic so I gave it back and it took him a while but he came through. and then my other coworker promised me TWO free ones because he owes it to me.

I got hight at work, I've been doing this since thanksgiving of last year but haven't done so in a good 2-3 months, it felt good to be back but it was short lived since I didn't hit it that many times.

after work I was in the hunt for a specific type of salted crackers and didn't find it but I ended up taking ones similar to it, its whatever.

at home I talked to my mom for a bit and bothered my baby sister. I promised my younger sister that I'd call her after work but I ended up calling her like 2 hours after I got off. we're currently on call right now but obviously she doesn't know I'm writing on qmyblog while on call with her because this blog is my own private affairs.

I forgot to mention while I was high at work I got hit on and I just wanted to mention that I hate that because I always take a second to catch what they're saying and I reply with the costumer service smile/nod and they take that as an invitation to continue hitting on you.

something really funny happened while I was high and I thought to myself "I ought to remember that to write it on my blog" but when I tried to remember I just remember laughing and telling myself to remember that an forgot to actually remember the funny thing.

My friend, who lives in the bronx, texted me drunk telling me he misses me and I told him that even if I was there he'd be too busy with his friends for me and he replied "I'd drop them for you, and you know that" it was a really sweet moment which I for some strange reason appreciated it even more because he was drunk. He has stuck with me for better and for worse and I truly value his friendship more than anything.

Now Im just laying down on my bed, typing this while on call with my sister, the end.

[3llisblog]

The need for intimacy vs the fear of them seeing your body

[3llisblog]

3 hours and 50 minutes till the end of my shift I’ve been here since 2. Can someone come in and shoot me in the head please

[3llisblog]

Blog number nine

Today, like every other day, I woke up at 12 because if i didn't I was going to be in bed till 6pm. I also had work and I was supposed to go to my friends house to bake flan but i didn't want to and thank god she forgot bc she made plans for today which meant we couldn't do it, I wanted to go home after work anyways. today I only had a 4 hour shift which I hate because I feel like those are the slowest shifts.

I woke up, I was on call with my boyfriend until like 2 in which I started cooking. I ended up making myself throw up my food. I wasn't even hungry I don't know why I cooked and then ate. anyways before throwing up I cooked more food to take to my coworker because on Tuesday I went (unwillingly) to my job to buy ingredients to make the pollo con bajadas I made with my friend and I asked him if he wanted some ands then made a joke about me cooking for food in exchange for wax and he actually agreed lol. After I finished cooking his food I texted him that I was done and that I was going to give it to him today(3:12pm) and he sent me heart eyed emojis and followed it up with "wya??" it was still like an hour before I had to go to work so I told him that ill give it to him when I get there. it kind of weirded me out that he sent the heart eyed emojis and stuff but I brushed it off, then when I was almost at work (3:52pm) he texted saying "okay see you there mami" and I felt disgusted.

I've been getting weird vibes from him for months, he asked for my instagram one time when we were both alone in the break room and I told him "I don't give my insta to coworkers, sorry" and he took it well but the only reason I said that was because I thought it was weird, specially because he's fucking 30 and I'm barely 17. Anywho I hope the wax he gives me isn't laced with fentanyl.

When I got to work I didn't do much beside read, I saw a coworker who I hadn't seen for months at this point despite being out on the schedule around the same time but its because she left early since she's dating one of the owners and basically does whatever she wants tbh. I don't like her.

I met my new coworker, her names Sonia and she's about to be 20 and I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian because she just screams masc lesbian. I didn't talk to her much because I was mostly reading my book during my shift. It was a short shift so nothing much happened until the end when my other coworker (Yandel) came up to me and pointed out that Wileny, another coworker of ours, wasn't on the schedule. Mind you it's Thursday and the schedule came out last Sunday night, I don't know how he's JUST noticing that. I told him that I texted her on Monday asking her about it and she said that they didn't tell her anything and that she'll deal with it when she comes back as she's in the Dominican Republic having the time of her life. I relayed this information to yandel and I'm pretty sure the new hire was listening in to the drama lol.

After I clocked out and make my way to the supermarket near my house on my ridiculous scooter and buy bread, mortadella, and fresh Honduran cheese because I was hungry. I had eaten lichees at work but I wanted real food. I made scrambled eggs with bacon, beans, and cream and it was good but I made myself throw that up too and then ate fucking shrimp for some reason. I didn't throw the shrimp up because my mom was home and I have a history of ED and don't want her to know it's kind of back.

After that I spent the time bed rotting and doing nothing while doom scrolling on TikTok. I hit a few friends up but no one is awake at this hour and yeah that's it.

Probably not going to sleep yet.

[3llisblog]

Blog number eight

Today my mom woke me up at 6:40 via a phone call because she was leaving for work as well as my stepdad, she called me to wake me up and so i could go to her room and sleep there so i could be with my baby sister when she woke up. I fell asleep around 4 am so i was extremely tired. From 7 am to 8:30 i was basically in a half sleeping half awake state because my sister ended up waking up at 7, but like i said i was extremely tired because i had went to bed late. Anywho i would wake up or come out of my sleeping like state to make sure my sister doesn't throw herself off the bed since she's been doing that often for some reason lol. When i decided that it was too much of a risk i took her to the living room where she can just chill while i fell asleep on the couch. She started crying so i finally woke up with the intention of staying up instead of falling right back asleep, i chnaged her diaper cooked her some food and gave her a bottle. she fell asleep around 9 and then the patter repeated one more time until my mom came home around 4.

after my mom came home and we talked for a bit and in said conversation my mom told me that she was mad at her husband because they had fought early in the morning. He apparently got mad when he asked my mom when id be coming out of my room to take care of the baby and she said that shed call me to change rooms like she does once in a while. He got mad at her because when he stayed home with the baby a while ago he stayed up at 6 am taking care of her and he had gone to bed late, my mom said that going to bed late was on him and the only reason he stayed up at 6 with the baby was because the baby woke up, she's not going to wake up the baby so i stay up thats preposterous, and she also told him that im doing them a favor because him staying up with the baby is an expected of him as the father and it's his responsability, I'm doing them a favor.

Im really glad she stood up to him about this because theres aleways been tension between the 3 of us regarding household chores and expectations, my mom is now defending me because a while ago we had a big fight about her not letting me go out and expecting me to be like a maid, doing dishes when i didn't cook or she didn't cook for me and how i was expected to take care of the baby even when her husband was there. i brought up how when she has the baby and she has to do something shell hand the baby to me when her husband is just as available and one time when i had a friend over she tried to hand the baby to ME while i was busy with my friend meanwhile her husband was playing video game. i've never been one to stand up for myself or defend myself against my mom but once she realized she was doing this she apologized profusely and stopped expecting so much from me.

i didn't say much about the situation other than to say how ridiculous it was that he expected me to stay up at 6 am during my summer vacation on my day off. After all I am indeed, doing them a favor.

after that conversation I spent time in my room and basically bed rotted, I called my boyfriend and my friends and I was super hoary because I felt fresh after my shower and was laying down in my organized room. my friend helped me set up a SpaceHey profile, well its as old as this one but I had completely forgotten about it and I spent my time on call with my friend coding a new layout and shit. After the whole coding-my-spacehey account I got a call from my boyfriend and showed him and yada yada. We face timed and he said very nice things about me and made me blush and then we did our usual banter and flirted and things got a little horny at some point but it was nothing, just teasing.

then we were talking about nothing and I told him about the fight my mom had with my stepdad and now he dislikes him more lol. he's met him one time but I complain about my step dad a lot to the point where he's really put off by him.

he went to bed early because he's like that and i'm still awake because I'm me.

and now I'm writing this blog which I'm probably going to upload on space hey as well so if you're there I have the same username I have here, the name is 3li3nai though ;)

[notonelover]

I love you Erling Haaland

[3llisblog]

That's my goat, he WILL win the world cup and defeat Pessi

[3llisblog]

I hate having such a vivid memory, I have the worse memory imaginable but when I remember a certain moment I'll remember the smell but not the weather or the day, its worse when its a hug or kiss because I can feel it. I feel the warmth of their wrap but once I open my eyes I feel so lonely and so touch starved and in need of that warmth. whether those memories are from the day before or from the year before, I'll never forget the tenderness of his lips nor the softness of his touch.

[notonelover]

i wish people were as curious about me as i am curious towards them

[notonelover]

i want people to be curious about me without me having to force it

[izzyapricot]

‘make it till friday’ i say for the 10 time today (it is monday morning)

[3llisblog]

I’m so full of sorrow

[3llisblog]

Blog number seven

Fawkkkkk. I finally have motivation to write my blogs again.

so today I got woken up by my mom because I'm babysitting my sister, this was around 9 am or something. My mom left for her work around 6 am and she called me because my step dad was about to leave his job and he doesn't come to my room nor did he want to wake me up so yk my mom had to call me to wake me up. I had fallen asleep around 3 am dam near 4 am so I did not want to wake up. I spent a lot of the day doing a bunch of nothing with my sister, we just hung out or whatever but I guess its kind of weird to say "yeah I was just hanging out with a 9 month old" lol.

My mom came home from work at like 2 and after that I started getting ready to go to my friends house because she wanted to cook something (pollo con tajadas, its a Honduran food and she was craving it despite being Salvadorian) I wanted to take my scooter there because I wanted to enjoy a little time by myself because it's my day off and I like to isolate myself on my days off because most of my job is talking to people and being around people, things I don't like to do when I don't feel like and most of the time I don't feel like doing any of that. she didn't let me though because it was raining and what not which spoiled my mood a little bit, while on the way to my friends house she asked if my friend would want my mom to drive us to the supermarket because we had to buy chicken and I didn't want to because I wanted to walk, I like walking if you couldn't tell and I really enjoy sceneries so walking to errands its therapeutic to me but my mom was just on me about it because it was slightly drizzling. she ended up giving us a ride but only because my friend wanted her to, my mom wanted to give us a ride back but I shut that down and got out the car and onto the supermarket. the supermarket we went to is also my job so I wanted to get in and out quickly, we managed to buy the stuff we needed and some more and after we left my job we went to a beauty supply store that is a few stores away from the supermarket. She bought edge control and I bough my summer base as well as contour and nair. I've been meaning to buy hair for a while but I just keep forgetting and I never knew where to buy it. I go to the beauty supply to buy make up sometimes, I just started wearing make up recently, and to buy hair dye and all of those things are by the front of the store and I never went deeper until my friend went to the back to look for something.

after leaving the beauty supply store we headed to her house and while walking there we talked about two separate friends of her who were in a couple until a few days ago, reached out to her. The girl had cut contact off with my friend, Zuleymi, because she thought Zule wanted her man. As if! her man is probably the one that wanted her, he wants any girl that showed him attention he even tried it with me but I thought he was creepy so I didn't even entertain it. Mind you Zuleymi was the one that put the girl, idk her name, onto the guy whose name is something like Damason so I don't know why she had her panties in a twist about Zuleymi wanting her. anyway they both reached out to her for different reasons, the gurl reached out to apologize for cutting her off and he reached out to Zuleymi to hang out, I presume he's trying to hit on her or something. the drama was at the start of this year and I completely forgot about it. we also talked about how her and tis guy she's been on and off for months fucked and how his mom got mad because he came home with hickeys on his neck after it. She told me that it was good and that he left hickeys on her titties but then we got to her house and had to stop talking about the subject because her step dad was home as well as her younger sister and she didn't want to talk about that there and possibly get in trouble. we ate ice cream and we talked about the previous subject more in her room and she showed me the hickeys which were pretty dark and bruised.

after that we started prepping the food which was a ,little hard because I've never cooked in anyones kitchen but mine and she didn't have a lot of the stuff I use for cooking, she also doesn't know how to cook for hit and didn't know here a lot of the stuff I needed was so that was a hassle. Frying chicken takes a while so we'd go to her room and talk about the freaky stuff her and her man (not) did and how complicated things are with him. At some point he sent her a picture of the hickey she left and then she sent him a picture of the one he left on her. She took multiple shots to get the right one while I helped her, I ended up seeing her nipples and everything because she was set on sending him the right picture.

after eating the food I wanted to throw it up. I've been struggling with that for a while now, it used to be really bad from 2019-2023 but then I wouldn't say I got better but It was over shadowed by other fucked up stuff in my life but recently its come back and I'm trying to deal with it but it's really hard when all I see when I look in the mirror is a disgusting blob. I feel like I'm too self aware and too self conscious of the way I look and sound and today I was so hyper aware of those stuff and it was horrible. but I just couldn't find a moment to slip out and throw it all up. as i'm writing this blog I quite literally feel the vomit in my throat and it wants to come out so bad but Im fighting the urge to do it so bad.

All of these came to mind as I was eating the food and then when we were laying down in her bed afterwards.one of our mutual friends texted her asking if she wanted to take a walk with him, they live really close to each other and apparently they do this often but they're not close like at all so it struck me as odd but oh well. When we came out he was already waiting for us and he was pleased to see me, for some reason he thought I drove a long way to be there even though I live less than a 10 minute drive from their house. on our walk I asked Mauricio about his girlfriend and how things are going. I like Mauricio a lot he's a very genuine guy, and that's his flaw. he's a poet and a hopeless romantic and his girlfriend is super nice but I'm skeptical of her because she once told Zuleymi she didn't like Mauricio and didn't see herself dating him, she said this even though Mauricio had told her that he liked her and she told him that she liked him too. Mauricio has a job and again, he's a hopeless romantic, so he spent money on her, I think that's the reason she likes him but I hope I'm mistaken. we also talked about our jobs and how much I hate mine and how I'm actively looking for a new one.

After our walk me and Zuleymi went to her room and dooms scrolled on our phones and then damn near fell asleep, if it wasn't for the fact that I needed to go home soon I would've been knocked out.

When my mom picked me up we didn't really talk much but we did have a pleasant conversation and at the end of the ride my mom made me stay in the car because a song came up and it was aparently Mike Tysons favorite song. ??? I don't even know how she knows Mike Tyson.

At home I just spent time with my sister because I just love her so much and then my mom went to my room to put lashes on because I wear clusters and I guess she wanted to wear some.

After she was done we were just talking and then a fly came by and my mom has a deep hatred for flies so she immediately grabbed the electric fly swatter and spent like 10 minutes trying to kill it, I don't care for flies but she really dislikes them, she also dislikes rats a lot she has a genuine fear for them so I asked her which one she hates more and she said flies. I asked her why she hated flies so much and she told me the story of why she abhors them so much and it went like this; We were still living in Honduras and there was nothing to eat, my dads mom sent some money form the states to buy food and my mom bought ground beef. Her and her sister went out to buy something to drink and accidentally left the meat uncovered, when they came back the meat was covered in flies and their disgusting eggs leaving us to starve for a day or two. Valid response.

After my mom left my room I called my boyfriend as I wrote my blog and told him about my day and just a few minutes ago he helped me finally put a good quality wallpaper on this computer because literally any photo I tried the quality was so bad, it got on my nerves. I ended up using the default wallpapers until just now so yay! we also talked about how lilies are toxic to cats and dinosaurs and skin wrapping and in inaccuracy of some dinosaur species, this led us to talk about archeologist and I realized that that's something I would be so interested in. Especially writing research papers on my discoveries and the historical context of it all.

Anyways that's pretty much it.

[3llisblog]

No blog today sorry

[3llisblog]

كُلُّ الأشْيَارِ مَصِيرُهَا ذِكِريَات

[3llisblog]

I feel like I’m a caricature of myself at work idk like it’s not me but they literally have a set mindset of who they think I am, me being anything beyond that image is incomprehensible to them.