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[4-45]

i'm not happy with myself

[4-45]

i wish i were more driven - something you've never been satisfied with. me neither.

[4-45]

you took my uni friends, my best friend, my ex boyfriend.. and now i’m pushed into a corner that i don’t like - one that drives me insane such that everyday is a horrifying. what more do you want to take from me?

[4-45]

actually sending that is by far, the most horrifying thing i have ever done in 2017. words simply cannot describe how fearful i am. i have never experienced such nausea - not in terms of dizziness relative to the physical body and not being able to see or stand properly, but relative to the mind itself. feeling so nauseous. my thoughts want to pierce through the brain, skull and skin so that they can escape. i don't even know how that can be felt. it's just that.. so much is encapsulated into one single brain. i can't even fathom the reasoning behind what just happened. what compelled me to even dare initiate in conversation? this isn't even a conversation. i don't want a conversation. i just wanted to be of help? i'm so nervous and bloody distressed. but what happened to 'respecting his decision' and waiting for the right time? hell knows. i feel like i'm going to puke, i seriously feel like puking. this feeling is awful. so so so terrifying. it's making me so restless. what are these feelings? maybe it's the caffeine? IT'S 4AM AND MY BODY NEEDS SLEEP. i shouldn't have sent it. but.. nah ok nah i regret it. i'm scared.

[4-45]

hi. it’s hard to ignore when everything is just there to be seen

you are going to do great things, despite everything that’s happening in your life. it’s just a hurdle in your track - to a pedestal that is always going to be there for you. it makes you who you are and that is why things feel so different. but in reality, it’s comparing your life to someone else’s that makes things so incomparable. you are not your father, your mother, nor are you your sibling.

in the grand scheme of things, it really is each to their own. they are working on what they want to achieve and it just so happens that they’ve figured it out so early on, relative to others. (or maybe they don’t, and it’s not only to be ‘the best they can be’, but to also set an example for you - the youngest of them all)

anyone who knows you would know that you’ve always compared yourself to your brother. he’s doing this, he’s doing that, he has this, he has that. but hey, he’s not doing the same thing as you. he’s not you and you’re not him. i don’t say that in a ‘you will never be capable of being as accomplished(?) as he is’ type of way, by any means. i say it as ‘your life is your life. that is all you should ever need to focus on.’

i know it’s hard to have a positive outlook on it all, and maybe everything as a whole just makes your personal achievements appear so small. but as you said, that’s what you’ve worked so hard for. things are done one step at a time. another cliche coming: nobody is perfect.

you’re interested in something completely different, where it may be more difficult for someone to merely jump onto the bandwagon - one that leads them to a career path in that field. might i add: your sentiments are also different, and you might never really know what’s going on in your brother’s mind. but no matter the circumstances, again, your life is your life.

so... please don’t let yourself be distracted by others. you are the greatest, wisest and most heartfelt person i know. plus, why else do you think racehorses wear blinkers in the first place?

[4-45]

do you know how many times i’ve been told to “talk to him about it”?

it’s gotten to a point where it’s just so hysterical. like hah.. as if

no way would i ever be able to just “talk about it”

[4-45]

i want to get into videography. fk taking photos lol

currently considering the gopro hero5 in black vs. canon g7x mark ii - it’s more expensive, though. but i like the quality and sound quality.. but apparently the hero5 vers. has improved audio quality too? idk we will see!

on my wishlist:

- either hero5 or mark ii

- final cut pro

- happiness

- good grades

i guess this is one of those times where i wish you were here to help me out.

[4-45]

and to your post:

why would you wish me happiness and good living if the happiness was you, and the laughs were well with you, and the love was well with you? you're telling me, selfishly, that you hope for me to have a good life after leaving me. you're saying that you wish that i am in good hands. but this is from what you want and not from what i want, nor from what i am actually feeling. you stole my happiness and you stole my laughter. that all left when you left.

how can you wish me a good life when my life was good with you. in a sense, i'm living the next best option - i'm living the way i had to because you gave me no other choice.

but these are the words that i wish to speak but cannot speak. because everything i just said has no purpose. it’s not going to do anything other than, perhaps make things tough on you, to make you feel upset. so for that i reason i would rather not tell you, and not be who you were afraid of. i’d rather let it out here, and not have you know the other side - how i feel.

[4-45]

i will always and have always continued to love you.

to say that i slipped up a few times is an understatement - dude i fucked up so bad that you, in the end, felt nothing but the need to get away from me. i can’t blame you for that.

but i want to treat this man with all the respect and honesty that i have. i don’t dare make the same mistakes that i’d made with you, because this is my second chance. this is the second chance i never really got and i don’t want to stuff up.

the thing is though, is this wrong?

i feel like the time to make a decision is soon, because i don’t want you to lose sight of me before whatever i do is unwanted.

though i can’t say i don’t love this man either. did i even learn anything in the end?