Musings

Stories of my life (how I became an insomniac)

[4ever-lost-dreamer]

Learning to Mistrust Mistrusting People Not the World

Recently, I have discovered that I hate control freaks and I hate being taken advantage of. I have this really frustrating boss. She wants everything done her way and if it's not she acts like it is the end of the world. It makes me so frustrated I just want to shake her while telling her to wake up and smell the coffee Copernicus already proved the earth revolves around the sun and I'm pretty sure he would agree that the universe certainly DOESN'T revolve around you!!

Life is about compromises, if you didn't make any how would everyone around you manage to have a LIFE!? It is so irritating that my boss's only perspective is her own and she pretends she listens/cares about us but then I send her an email telling her about my struggles and she could give less of a FUCK. Don't pretend you're interested and want to help if you don't because it will only make people feel worse. 

Honestly, her fake smiles and sad attempts to "compromise" (aka do what ever the fuck she had in mind) has made me that the world is about fighting for what you want. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt and let myself believe that she was looking out for me. But I've realized because I am the only idiot who did that, she has taken advantage and is trying to make an "example" (fuck me over so she can scare everyone into following her, which is not working) out of me. It makes me sick to the stomach that that she would do that even though she claims she's looking out for my best interests. 

This recent event compounded with another event (long story short my TA graded my test wrong and the professor had the audacity to say I was cheating in front of half the class and that I could contest it against the TA and basically implied he would believe the TA, anyways back to the main point...) has made me realize that being a part of a hierarchy sucks because you're decisions in life are planned out by everyone around you.

It makes me have such a bleak view on people and when everyone questions my intentions I want to do the same back. So, I have decided to try and let that go. I want to continue believing that people have the best intentions at heart. Yes, I will be taken advantage of but I will also know whose negative/manipulative presence to be wary of. And I don't want a few bad experiences to shape my outlook on life.

[4ever-lost-dreamer]

This song is so old but it sums up my day today.

[4ever-lost-dreamer]

Burnt Out

It's hard to describe what being burnt out feels like, it's just a hopeless feeling that you get. I wouldn't call it burnt out though, it more like drowning then having a flame being put out. Drowning because there is just so much noise in the world. So many things to do, places to be, and people to meet. You eventually get sucked into this whirlpool of activity. By the time you look up from whatever it is that you are doing, you realize that you've lost track of all your goals.

You have no idea what you are doing. In that exact moment, you also realize the amount of noise and chaos that surrounds you. You're screams become lost in the fury of the surrounding storm and it becomes clear that you are drowning. That is what it feels like to be burnt out.

[inspiringfeed]

[4ever-lost-dreamer]

Fitting In:

I am a really emotional person it hurts when people don't accept me. I feel as though there is something wrong with me when I am rejected. Hence, in elementary school I would lie to fit in and save myself the grief. I wanted to be like everyone else, I wanted to be a cool kid (I never did become one I'm just me now). When I got into high school I promised myself I would be who I truly am. It was hard. At some points I would slip back in to old habits.

What I realized recently is that all that lying has made me lose myself. I forget what's fiction and what's reality. I don't know what I like anymore because I like what everyone around me does. I nod along and have long conversations about things I don't really care about because I don't want to be chopped into pieces by the giant cookie cutter that is life.

I am trying to change as best as I can, but I admit old habits die hard. It scares me speak the truth because I fear judgement. Every time I meet someone new I hear this echo I my head that says: in seven seconds this person is going to have a first impression of me, I need to impress them. And sometimes I feel like I am drowning in a sea of deception. I've become paranoid because it feels as though everyone around me is lying the way I do. The scariest thing is I will never know what people are thinking. Everyday, I still feel like everyone I see is judging me.

But that's okay because I realized that everyone gets judged so why keep that from living my life the way I want to.

[4ever-lost-dreamer]

Disclaimer

This blog is going to be a lot of text so get your reading glasses. Try to forgive my grammar too <3

[4ever-lost-dreamer]

How this came to be...

I'm a Junior at Barnard College (an all women's college affiliated with Columbia University which basically means it's complicated). I've been having an existential crisis for quite sometime now for a ton of reasons that I'll get to later. This blog is going to be about my life. I'm going to muse about it (see what I did there, forgive me for how much of an awkward turtle I am). I am willing to make myself vulnerable and put this out there because I want to see what the response will be. So, let's do this!