stream of consciousness

critical thots

[4evermanic]

when it gets super quiet and all i can hear is the tick tocking of the hands on my clock. my mind wanders to the things I let happen to me in college. now a week past graduation it seems harder to not think about. a dark hotel room with a strange man next to me. why did i let this happen? who's fault was it? what does it mean in the grand scheme of my life and what type of person am i? im not sure the answers to any of these questions yet but at least i never got pregnant. i'm going to get hotpot tomorrow!

[4evermanic]

Rob. 8/22

When I met Rob, I hadn't yet learned of a compulsion that most men and people but mostly men possess; saying things they don't really mean. I remember on one of our usual night drives back to Rob's place he said, after knowing me for all of a month and a half, "Do you know how much I love you? I love you so much its not even funny." That was the first time anyone had so clearly professed love for me, even one that so clearly (in hindsight) couldn't have been real. I was pleased at first, not flattered but I felt worthy, fucking finally. My own father had never been so vocal about his love for me, I knew that he did but I also knew (or at least felt) there were certain things I had to do and ways I had to be in order for my father to love me. Then, here was this 22 year old white guy I barely knew hurling all this seemingly genuine love and appreciation at me and I didn't really have to do anything for it, except let him take my virginity, of course I had not yet considered the things men will say and lengths they will go to continue to have sex with you and I didn't consider this as a factor in why he said this. Looking back, me having sex with him was probably the only reason he said this, he barely knew me and just wanted to keep some freshly 18 year old pussy around and it wasn't too hard to do with a bit of flattery.

pt. 2 coming

[4evermanic]

dichotomy

I learned about the word dichotomy in 10th grade English class. it's used to reference the difference between two completely opposing ideas. the space between heaven and hell. between good and evil. between cheating on your boyfriend of a year and never hurting a fly. between being best friends and never talking again. I find this idea of dichotomy to appear often in my life. a recurring theme I find myself rediscovering in different contexts. Most often when wondering if the bad things I've done make me a bad person. or if I could possibly be happy when the people I envy are so profoundly sad. I remind myself of this theme when the thoughts arise, to hold two opposing ideas in my mind at once. that i am a cheater and a good friend. I make good grades and stupid decisions. life is beautiful and everyone is annoying. two things can be true at once and one thing can be true in different ways. everything is an intersection of multiple things. i allow this thought process to bring me peace but not absolve me of responsibility for my actions. i strive to make better decisions but the bad ones are often poetic and fun. God its so hard being young and lit!

[4evermanic]

.5

i was scared to be alone. even for a moment. so I gave away pieces of myself in exchange for company. dull and fleeting company. the kind that cared nothing about you. the kind that looked in your face and said I love you while collecting the pieces you gave and swallowing them whole. pieces you learned to unlove as a result. to let go with a hard gulp and heavy mind. with a light heart and an empty inside. the company is full. that's when they leave. swiftly. they leave me empty or half full. depending on the glass. the glass is broken now. the shards fell long ago causing cuts and scrapes to anyone who dared try to clean it up. it prefers to lay broken and untouched. waiting for nothing in particular. just maybe to be blown a kiss by a stranger who can't see through it. who can't see that the glass isn't really broken. just laying lonely and untouched unsure of how to pick itself up. unsure of the correct words to say as others pass by evading their eyes with a misguided sense of guilt or shame. the glass cannot tell because the glass does not have eyes. even yet, the glass still feels alone.

[4evermanic]

.4

you never know a good thing till its gone. but i knew. i knew how good it was, so i clung tight. i squeezed and clawed until it bled through. through your thoughts, through your skin, past your heart and around your head. then it fell. flat and vanished. invisible but still present. like the ghost of emotions we both refuse to feel. haunted by what we thought would last forever. stranded in imaginary isolation. unreal loneliness. but im with u. always past your heart and around your head.

[4evermanic]

[4evermanic]

.3

maybe its for the best. because you were everything i hate about myself. your spunk was a thick aura you used as protection. to coat you as you fought and clawed your way through the world. unstoppable from the outside but broke and confused within. am i the one whos confused. did i lose? was i the dead weight holding you down, dragging behind you just thankful to catch a few rays of your blinding light of personality. a light that few dared to gaze. even fewer are granted a look beyond. beyond all the sound, when its quiet and dark, a gem. i am the shell. you are the gem. fragile and open and caring. brought up with love. could i have been the same? brought up with love, could i have been the gem? this lifestyle is lonely but i wanted to live it with you. why didn’t you want to live it with me? why am i no ones missing piece. i’m missing a piece i may have lost along the way. lost with the love that rarely rears its head these days. these days are spent hoping and longing to the void. the void stares back mockingly. i start to cry and get high and sleep and cry and get high and cry and cry and cry till i sleep. waiting for the void to answer. someone tell me whats missing. please whats missing. why am i not enough for me. 

[4evermanic]

.2

in the future pt. 1

i wake up with one of my pink fuzzy socks in my roommate’s bed. its slightly chilly but that just excites me for my morning tea. i stand up and turn on a podcast about my latest favorite show. brush teeth, wash face, apply deodorant. i plop on my wig, it has bangs and a streak of pink down the side. i decide to keep on my hysteric glamour shirt then put on some cargo pants i found in the mens section of pacsun. roll them up twice then go back to the bathroom. i run through my unchanging makeup routine, concealer. mascara. eyeliner. vaseline as lip gloss. I call my mom for our daily morning check up as i put on my shoes. I pack my backpack with 2 notebooks, my laptop, makeup/pencil pouch, a bottle of old sprite, a green hoodie and a cart. i pick up a refresher and various flavors of bread to eat with my friend in her dorm. (2 b continued)

[4evermanic]