5.24s

when i am not lazy, i am (probably) here

[524s]

losing

as each day passes, i feel like am losing a part of me. the one who used to be aggressive, spontaneous and strong headed yet compliant with her decisions to chase what she wants and what she enjoys. it kinda feels like i am losing the fight between what i desire and the harsh reality. i miss a lot of things that i used to do which gives me stress yet motivates me to work harder, cause now all the things that i do just stresses me out and deflates all every single motivated cell in me. 

simple things like getting on my laptop to edit photos (which i used to love) or just casual scrolling through tumblr, is starting to feel like a chore. part of me is sick of having to stare at my comp screen all day. just wanna lay in bed, breathe and not think.

i feel an inner part of me has just given up and have withered away. i am losing everything that i was before and it’s scaring me. 

is this how i am gonna feel while living for the rest of my life?

[524s]

Feeling

i am feeling a lot of things i wish i didn’t feel cause i am scared. scared of being wrong, misunderstanding, being misunderstood, overthinking and especially not being worthy of all these. i tired and scared and lost. i don’t want to feel anymore.

[524s]

sometimes i am so real, why do i even exist

[524s]

March 2k17

I still don't know want I want to do in life

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[524s]

don't even stop to inhale what others have to say about yourself, exhale it all out cause life goes on without them

[524s]

dream

mum: where do you see yourself working as? me: ....... ----- someone: so what are your dreams? me: ....... at times, i really wonder what am i doing with life. what do i want? what are my dreams? where do i wish to go? what am i doing now? it's so terrifying. to not know what i want and to also not have a pic of what i would like to see myself in the future....... is this normal? to not have any dreams and aspiration to chase after? i feel so restless everyday, it's like i don't even know what i'm doing everyday, no motivation, nothing.

[524s]

funerals

so, just last week, attended a funeral/wake.

i hate the entire atmosphere and idea of it, it’s so sad and just really really sad. this is probably the third? idk but i hate how i can’t handle it

i was asked if i wanted to see the body cause the coffin was not closed yet and i really wanted to, like as respect and all, but i’m so afraid. the last time i saw, i broke down immediately unknowingly and my mum kept asking why did i cry but i really didn’t know the reason. this time round, when i was asked, i kinda froze and my aunt was so nice, she said it’s ok even if i don’t see and i really don’t know what to do.

so, this is the 3rd one and i have never felt anything, other than anger. the 2nd one was at the entire situation and how it was handled and this time, at myself cause i don’t feel sad. like someone has passed on and i could hardly even remember what or how i have even spent time with them, to actually feel sad that they are leaving. worst, i wasn’t exactly mourning at the wake, but i was having fun and i just felt like shit.

it really hit me when my cousin told me he broke down on the last day and a part of me felt jealous. like i want to feel sad and i want to break down cause someone part of my life has left but i didn’t and couldn’t cause i didn’t spend enough time with them and it kinda just feel “so what if they are gone”, “we’re hardly together anyways”

i can’t deal with funerals anymore, the next funeral that i would only attend should be mine

[524s]

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kisses

141220 i finally got my first kiss and just like how i wanted it to be, with a girl i wish it was you instead but.....how long can i keep this on

[524s]

broken

all it took was one fucking small shit to happen to break me apart, i thought i have finally gotten over being depressed and sad but i guess you can't seem to run away from something that's you so fucking sick of everything, when will all these come to and end, what's so great about life then i have to endure and deal with all this shit

[524s]

nobody

never felt so lonely in awhile....... sigh, i hate fridays like this.... the is probably the worst semester that i have to face......... so horrible 

[524s]

men

what is up with guys and moving waaaaaaaay to fast? where are they hurrying off to? there isn’t another 2012, the world isn’t gonna end that fast, so why are they in such a rush?

to think that i am an impatient person wow *pats self*

we only been talking for a week or so, it only got more frequent like after 4 days, so that means we only talked for 5 days? and it was even that kind in depth talk, it was probably very light and surface flirting, i can’t even understand how i could get so fucking attached so quickly. well, he did get attach rather quickly too, but it didn’t make sense cause his “excuses” didn’t make sense. 

how long has it been? 2-3 years? i definitely not ready for all this bullshit when i have other things to worry about 

i get way too attach way too easily and let all these stupid worthless little things bother me to no end.

[524s]

happy

i never felt so happy in a really really really long time, like genuinely happy i laughed so much today, didn't have to care about anything at all. it was so great. I actually stayed up to watch a film cause felt like it and slept really late. but i woke up to so many text msgs that made me smile soooooo wide it almost hurts. ex-colleague contacted me and i was actually gonna contact her soon, but never got a chance yet and now she contacted me <3 and then i got to talked about just random rl things with ☆ and it's was favourite, i love it when i talk things outside of that then later i went out at night to meet a friend. we clicked out so well, it was so great, we laughed so much about anything and everything. nothing awkward, everything just went naturally and it was so cute, she was so comfortable with me, or maybe she's just like that but i love ppl like that. she was like "i just farted, let's walk away" ugh i love it and we even made plans for tml night and i can't wait ♥︎ i even have dinner plans too, lunch has been cancelled since something cropped up but all is good (this must be like the one and only happy post, i hope i remember this...... well at least im writing it down)

[524s]

secret

i used to love it when ppl tell me their secrets, it makes me feel special, like i'm good enough to know it, to be shared with

but now, i hate being in on a secret. why? cause when it's about your friends and they shit things up for you and leave you alone, you'd have nobody to talk too. you can't tell anyone what you want to really say cause that could mean revealing that secret, because ppl knows who your friends are.

and your friends think you have it easy, they don't know a shit of how the ppl in their secret has to deal with it, and yet they think they know everything

[524s]

bod

have been looking at my photos recently, and they are so fucking ugly ugh especially those full body pics. i'm so fucking fat and wide and everything is so fucking ugly to look at i don't eat, i fucking gain weight and when i do, i gain weight too arghhhh fuck this body, so sick of it i know i should just exercise regularly, but where do i even get that motivation from, i tried and it was so fucking draining, physically and mentally worst is that when i think i finally look good or that i look just a tiny bit slimmer, someone tells me i look like i fucking gain weight like fuck you fuck off fuck this body just end this already