You said you wanted fireworks.
It’s been over a year since we’ve have not been together. 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days. And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about you once every passing hour. That is eight thousand seven hundred and sixty occurrences. Over eight thousand times your face has come to mind. Over eight thousand times and you were never mine.
I was never one who could handle the threat of losing what literally meant the most to me. Struggling with living just with who I am for the past four years. But I met you and I felt like I could be better. I wanted to be better. I wanted to be the best version of myself. But it was wanted for the wrong reasons; I wanted to be the best for you, not the best for myself.
There is no worse feeling than someone falling out of love with you. Even if it was only in my head, it was still there. All the times I thought I wasn’t what you wanted anymore, all the times I thought you were looking for something more elsewhere. Every time I still continued to believe that somewhere down the line, it would work out because it was meant to.
It was so easy for you. It was so easy for you to be happy that I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I was losing you.
And then I lost you. 365 times.
You said you’ll never understand how I could give myself to someone else. The nights I spent with another were the only nights that I didn’t wake up with my face in a wet pillow.
I confused the feeling of wanting to be wanted with what would truly make me happy. I ended up hurting who meant the most to me, hurting another who wanted a future with me, and hurting myself.
And I’m still alone. And I’ll be alone. I’m still in love. And I’ll be in love.
I’ve embarrassed myself trying to hold on to someone who has wanted to let go. I’ve lived only in my own head that I didn’t see what was in front of me and what had to be done.
Happiness has always started with me and that sense of peace I’ve never had. I should have never relied on someone else when it came to my own happiness.
And now I move on? How do you move on knowing what you want, who you want, but not how to obtain it? I’ve never understood how you can be something I can’t hold, I’ll never understand how a life without me makes sense to you.
It will never make sense to me.
And believe me there will be others who will try to have me the way you did and I know honestly that no one ever will. That feeling comes once in a lifetime. And maybe it was only one sided but I don’t believe that.
I’ll live every day with the physical emptiness that I can actually feel in my chest. 365.
And I’ll let down all who try as I’ll have to explain that my heart is not mine to give.
And I’ll write letters here because I no longer have my best friend to speak to. I will miss you every day, every hour…
I know he expected fireworks as he tried to fit his hand with mine.
And I know he felt the spark, but he was looking into your eyes.
I know he thinks he has me now as his hand moves a little too low.
And I smile but it’s empty, and imagine we’re looking into the same sky.
He expected fireworks but they only come once, once in your life.
yousharknotpass
gummygunk
jimmyeatworldofficial
tangentwithtanner
theartofmadeline
amandla
titsay
