˚ ༘ ೀ⋆。˚ you can travel the world, but nothing comes close to the golden coast!
being a man of your word was important, sure. okay, technically he did say that he'd never move to LA, but... times change, alright?
ted was overjoyed. it freaked schlatt out a bit. the fact that he was moving to this hundred-degree hellhole wasn't something to squeal and scream over―
wait, why was he moving here again? oh yeah, because of you.
every moment he spent with you felt like deja-vu and whiplash and a wicked high, and it was an indescribable feeling when you locked eyes with him. a few years back when schlatt was in LA for a chuckle episode, well― he'd had to drag him to a proper california party, right? to get the full experience, obviously.
schlatt didn't know what 'the full experience' was supposed to mean. he'd drink out of a sad red solo cup like he was sixteen and not twenty-five, roll his eyes at the thirsty party-goers and try not to grimace if someone recognized him. typical party behavior. and no, he wasn't a wallflower, thank you very much.
he found a seat on the couch that didn't have a... suspicious, to say the least, stain on it, and promptly flopped down onto his now designated seat for the rest of the long-ass night. but seconds into his peaceful lounging, he felt a weight flop down onto the couch next to him. schlatt looked to his right to see a burst of color― there was tinsel in your hair and colored extensions, your makeup made you pop, your clothes and your style― woah.
you were unapologetically yourself, for sure. but all of a sudden, those pretty lips started moving at record speed:
"if you were a marble, would you rather be stuck in the corner of a fishtank for the rest of your life or be in a never-ending rube goldberg machine? y'know that those are, right? the little loopdeedoops―"
he holds up a hand gently, nodding to himself. "yeah, toots, i get the picture. let a man think, will ya? yer askin' life-changing, thought-provoking questions here." he scoffs. "didn't think anyone in LA had half a thought at all with all that plastic surgery, let alone deep ones."
bursting into giggles, you put an arm on his bicep, all smiles. "you're funny. wanna get married?"
his face flushed, but he managed to play it off, scoffing. squinting, he leaned in a little closer, surveying my face and eyes. "are you drunk?"
rolling his eyes, he grumbles, "i'm not getting married t'ya."
"i promise to put out on our honeymoon?" you bat your eyelashes animatedly, grinning.
"well that sweetens the deal, sweet'art, don't it?"
"suppose so." you lean back on the couch, propping your feet up on the coffee table and accidentally knocked over someones' line of coke with your shoe. "you're just a man. unless you aren't, and i'm sloshed as hell. i'd still hit if you were a chick, though."
"i'm just tickled pink." he deadpans.
too drunk to think straight, you bluntly ask, "man?"
"yes, i'm man. pretty obvious, at least to us who are sober."
you let out a surprised laugh, sloshing your drink around in the red solo cup. "bullshit you're sober. no one's ever sober in LA."
"nuh-uh, i am." you mock his voice, high-pitched and whiny. you point a finger at him accusatorially, your brow furrowing as a teasing smirk crossed your face. "you so got beat up as a kid. it's like, your villain origin story. or something."
"hey, the fuck? i did not, bitch." he barks.
"defensive. denial is the first stage of trauma, honey―"
"―oh, don't give me that honey bullshit, you're the whore that puts out on the honeymoon―" schlatt exclaims, throwing his hands up in the air.
you raise your voice, "―you know what, i don't even want to marry you anyway!"
"oh, boohoo. i'm losing such a catch, clearly!" he drawls sarcastically, huffing as he petulantly crosses his arms and rolls his eyes.
"yeah, ya are! i have bigger muscles than you do!"
he sputters, looking genuinely offended. "bull―shit!" he flexes, squeezing his bicep. "the ladies kill for these."
you roll your eyes, sarcastically letting out a little "yuh-huh." you guffaw at the last part, grinning to yourself as you spit back, "i think i speak on behalf of all ladies when i say, she's as dry as a desert down there."
"yuh-huh. fuck you, dumbass." he barks, holding his red solo cup so tight it starts to break under his grip.
schlatt's eyes widen and he pretends to be offended, but you can see a smirk grace the corner of his lip. "hey, ease up now, sugar! it's called a dad bod, and the ladies love it."
"if by 'ladies'" you put up air quotes, "you mean middle-aged white ladies named suannah with a criminal amount of letter repetition in her name―"
he takes one look at you and quips, "you're so drunk you can't even spell susannah."
never one to back down from pissing anyone in a five-mile radius off, he prods, "do it then."
"S-U-Z," schlatt lets out a satisfied snort, "-A-N... U-H."
grinning from ear to ear and clearly smug as hell that you butchered it so bad, he teases, "dumbass."
"you wanna get out of here?"
he shoots you a serious look that reads 'don't play with me'. "you're drunk." he states.
he shakes his head. "nah."
"damn, i found the only one." you pout, dramatically draping yourself on the couch.
schlatt mocks, "oh, woe is me―"
and it was like a flip switched from your snappy, biting personality to a cheery, happy, unicorns-and-rainbows version. "hey, wanna be best friends?" you grin.
he was a little taken aback by this new peppy version of your personality. but what harm was a yes, right? "yeah, sure, LA. don't get a big head 'bout it though, it's just 'cause i pity you."
"humor me and say it's cause i have big tits." you giggle, leaning in real close and looking up at him.
"didn't say that wasn't one of the reasons, now did i, toots?"
you burst into giggles, the only coherent thing he can manage to hear escape your lips is― "it's the best reason."
"for sure." schlatt smiles at you, for real this time. "i'll call us an uber."
this edit inspired me. infact, it always inspires me. this edit i love. this edit i consume (yes i eat it). this edit me likey.
okay in all seriousness have a good night/day guys lol.
divider credits @enchanthings-a