Daily Selfies At 8pm

My journey back from the depths of depression

[8pmselfie]

Sooooo tired!! There was an evacuation in the middle of the night so I missed MANY hours of sleep. Today was a general drainer. I made a pretty necklace...but then it broke :( Just got back from music therapy #8pmSelfie

[8pmselfie]

I've never been one for text tattoos, but this quote resonates deeply with me. I will get this tattooed on my body somewhere

[8pmselfie]

Snuggling down to watch a dvd of Kelvin's theatre group's production of Big Red Riding Hood Today was stressful but I've got lots of support and finished Katrina's going away present. Have a good #8pmSelfie

[8pmselfie]

Happy #DeaditeDay I'm wearing my lovely Luna leggings, my anti-love candy A-line and brand new #deadite beanie for the #8pmSelfie Despite some epic stress and absolutely everything going wrong this morning today has been the best day of the week (which is saying A LOT). But I've managed to calm down and get myself in a better headspace with a little help from a cute kitty drawing from @livingdead_clothing and pressies from two of my hospital mamas, as well as a #nomlicious salted caramel chocolate from my beloved Casey, and Loki love of course. Some of you know I'm a non-practicing Wiccan, well recently I've done some small rituals and today I started a stitch witchery project to help heal my heart. I'm still hurting that it seems like only drugged up or fucked up people will ever love me, but I now know I need to follow my doctor's advice: give everyone a chance and as soon as they break that ditch them. So I'm drawing away from Tim; I'll still look after him and care about him; but unless I become his number one choice I'm not going there anymore. At the very least he's actually officially broken up with his abusive pregnant girlfriend, so hopefully he's in a more stable place to get better. I hope tomorrow is a good day, but as my art therapy work from friday shows; I have no hope. So we'll see what happens

[8pmselfie]

I told you I'd take the #8pmSelfie regardless of what state I'm in. So the last week has been shit. 2 days ago i smashed a glass bottle in my bathroom and used the shards to cut my arms until I finally pressed the emergency button. Last night I fell asleep during a free thought writing exercie. Every page was covered in "die. Die. Die. Please let me die" etc. Today i let the depression win. I stayed in bed or my floor bed all day unless someone forced me up (which happens surprisingly often). I'm currently on the floor behind my bed after falling apart in the dining room. I finisheda a present for a patient earlier which she loved. It turns out people are only interested in me when they're on drugs so yay for never getting to be loved the way I want to be. I'm tired of putting so much into people only to be crapped on. My friends and i have plans for tomorrow but now i don't know if anyone can even take me :( after i fought so hard for the psychiatrist not to remove my supervised leave allowance. My LDC order arrive at home today but i don't even know when I'll get it. I just want to die

[8pmselfie]

Had a pretty bad day, don't really want to talk about it. Had James come to visit which was nice #8pmSelfie is late again

[8pmselfie]

#8pmSelfie is a little late tonight because Matt is here again. Today has been really terrible, many many issues but I've also had tons of people checking on me. Don't worry about me <3

[8pmselfie]

My day consisted of drug changes, free form art, shopping with Casey, meeting Tim's parents when they visited, and now game of thrones #8pmSelfie

[8pmselfie]

Today has been...strange First we said goodbye to Kelvin and it was heartbreaking, but he lived the card Katrina made and the note I wrote for him. We have him our phone extensions so he can call when he wants. Then I went to "support group" which was shit and cause me anxiety. Then I went very briefly to Craft where I finished my felting cushion and started my next tree, but I had to leave early as Scott was coming to visit. I went to relaxation in the afternoon where I fell asleep and I've been chilling with Tim on and off since then. I made him some decorations for his room and we put them up. Then mum stressed me out, as usual, and I had a crazy break down, Tim hunted me down and calmed things and I turned off my phone/locked it away so she couldn't do anything further (sorry @katartillustrations if you tried planning anything for tomorrow) Now my #8pmSelfie has become yet another #9pmselfie because of chill times. I'm sorry! Hospitable is bad for my goal keeping =\ Anyhoo, seeing lovely friends tomorrow :3

[8pmselfie]

I went on a tea raid and discovered a music therapy session, so I joined in on that and sang for a bit. Today I got moved from Group Therapy to Art Therapy, which will be interesting, and I finished a pretty, wire tree in Craft. I'm sleepy and overheating, but everyone loves my #LDC Luna leggings :3 #8pmSelfie

[8pmselfie]

My @livingdead_clothing #VIP rainmaker arrived today, along with my moonkitty and Luna leggings, and the DC kitties I got for Kat :3 Kat came and broke me out so I could pick up our shinies. I started making a cool tree in Craft today, and I've got a nice nurse called Ciall this evening. I forgot that we only have one Group tomorrow instead of two =| #8pmSelfie

[8pmselfie]

Playing the sims, watching tv, sketching my tree. I had a few visitors today which was nice. I went to yoga this morning, it was lovely, it's not a trigger for me like mindfulness is, so that's good. Apparently @livingdead_clothing has a big Mystery Monday tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that....but that makes me anxious because I tend to get disappointed and sad after anticipation =\ #8pmSelfie

[8pmselfie]

My mum and grandparents came today, they gave me an enormous bunch of flowers. Then we picked up my brother and went out for lunch. I didn't sleep well last night, then I slept on and off all morning waiting for my family to come, then napped again after they left, despite drinking a Dare double espresso. Last night was bad. There were moments when I felt happier than I've been in weeks, but overall it was really bad. I tried to call Hamish from the hospital phone and he didn't answer, it's a private number so he wouldn't have known it was me. I got all down and cried a bit. A couple hours later, completely out of the blue, he messaged me. It was weird at first, then I got very darkly depressed, then I spent a good while trying to undo the screws in my pencil sharpener....I ended up breaking it. I cried so much and felt so hurt, and I was talking to my friends about it. Their advice and thoughts made me more upset, they were trying to help and give me advice and I love them for it, and I know they're saying and doing the right thigs, but I just wasn't in a frame to hear it. I'm sorry :( If I had been home last night....well I don't know if I would have been awake today. So hospital is the safest place for me right now #8pmSelfie

[8pmselfie]

Today wasn't great. Slept through mindfulness, was really sad and wanting to self harm. The psychiatrist has decided I HAVE to take my antianxieties twice per day and a third if I need =\ sigh Anyhoo, I'm playing the sims, so it's just a brief #8pmSelfie

[8pmselfie]

Oh shit my #8pmSelfie is an hour late tonight #oops ah well have a #9pmselfie you can blame Matt because he was visiting and we were exploring the hospital. He was making me laugh while taking the selfie. Had a good night getting Jesus Kebabs with Matt, Kat and Beck, stunk up my room with the kebabs though. I got a lovely email from @T2tea in response to the good feedback I sent them about the Tea 101 class I went to last week, so that was nice also Earlier today wasn't good though, I've been sad and listless, lacking in concentration, I missed Group because I slept through the afternoon. My sleeping and antianxiety pills are magic

[8pmselfie]

#8pmSelfie is slightly late tonight because I was busy distracting myself with an art project. I had strength training this morning, it was good but I need to remember not to wear my LDC to it next time. Group was meh Crafts was good too On Tuesday we only have one Group session, so I was playing the Sims 4 after crafts, Scarlett is becoming a doctor I was really down tonight, I think it's because I was excited to see the therapy dog today but then I missed him :( and when I went outside to see the "super friendly stray cat" he jumped on Kenny's lap but not mine, and when Kenny left he went and sat on a cushion the hospital staff have put out for him :( so I got no animal love AND no visitors today :( But I'm getting three visitors tomorrow night :3

[8pmselfie]

First full day at the hospital today. I went to the ward meeting this morning, most people skip it, it was boring as hell, I'll be skipping it tomorrow. Then I went to group therapy, where the topic of discussion was dealing with a mental illness and your relationship with your significant other. Well as y'all would know that was actual hell for me. I struggled through half an hour, trying to hold back a panic attack. Until the Group leader asked how I was and I said it was a tough topic for me and I was getting very very anxious. She said I could leave and to go see my nurse before going back to my room. I saw my nurse, got an antianxiety pill, it was basically magic. I went to the gym after lunch which was really good. Then we had Group again and it was much better. But now we all have to write poems about Choice or about Change. That was kind of my fault #oops lol The lovely @katartillustrations came to visit and loaded me up with chocolate, cheese, a visual diary and blutack :3 then the fantastic Beck came and brought me highlighters <3 I've been here two days and already had four visitors #feelingspecial there aren't any visitors planned for tomorrow though, so I expect lots of well wishes from my #8pmSelfie selfie followers ;) I've taken all my meds except my sleeping tablet, it knocked me out completely last night so I'm taking it a bit later tonight