A Better Me

My name is Rose and I am on a journey to become the best version of myself that I can be. What are you doing every day to achieve your goals?

[90lbs2014]

You’ve made no progress since 2013. You’re still clinging to that person you wanted to be, but what are you now? Still fat. Still spotty. Still lonely. Still unloveable. Still miserable.

There is no joy in your life. 

[90lbs2014]

With make-up, you’re a 5. You only look deent with half your face covered by hair. And then your hair looks a fucking mess. Why bother? You’re not cute.

But you can’t go out with out it. You need to look good because you have no personality to rely on. You’re not fun. You’re not interesting. You have no game. No banter. No chat. Nothing.

You have no sense of identity. Nobody knows you because you don’t even know you’re self. You’re nothing. 

[90lbs2014]

Nobody has fun with you. Nobody clicks with you. Nobody wants to be 1 on 1 with you - it’s fucking painful.

You found someone who you thought was that person and you fucked it up. Nobody’s bothered since. 

[90lbs2014]

You spent months trying to get your weight down. You still binged and you still fucked up. You never got low.

You’ve never got it down again. You get fatter and fatter constantly. You’re a liar when you say you want something. You don’t want it. You want to be miserable and alone. You don’t want to let anyone in. You want an excuse. 

[90lbs2014]

You’re dry. You’re no fun. You’re not someone to have a laugh with.

Everyone thinks it and you know. And that’s why he never ever loved you.

[90lbs2014]

Nobody's checking for you.

[90lbs2014]

I forgot how sad I used to feel.

[90lbs2014]

I’m just not smart enough. I need to stop kidding myself. I’m a failure, always have been always will be.

I can keep living in this delusional belief that I’ve changed and improved and got myself together, or I can accept that I’m a mess and give up.

Give up on everything.

[90lbs2014]

Some old work friends met up without letting me know. They came from opposite ends of the country to see each other. I didn't get an invite. 

I genuinely don't know why I didn't get an invite.

I never hear from my friends at home any more. Nobody keeps in contact with me or checks in on me. I've told them I'm feeling down. They don't give a shit. When my friend went to the Philippines and told me she felt homesick I made sure to talk to her every day, even though that meant staying up til 3am. She's met a guy and has made no effort to keep in contact with me.

I literally have no one.

[90lbs2014]

Every time I hear my housemates whispering I always assume it's some thing nasty about me. Something about how I'm weird and quiet and they hate me. I have no evidence that they say these things, and even if they do, I shouldn't care. But I still believe it and other still feel sad and threatened. I can't really get my head around the idea that people don't hate me.

[90lbs2014]

I wish I could stop fucking up.

[90lbs2014]

You've never had anyone. Somebody held you in their arms once and never wanted to see you again. It's been 18 months and nobody has held you since. You're alone and unloved. You're ugly and wired and quiet. You repulse people. You creep people out. You make them uncomfortable. You don't think like other people. You're a freak, a reject. You don't fit in. You don't even belong. You have no one and you never will.

[90lbs2014]

I'm in this world alone. But its okay, for now.

[90lbs2014]

Talk about your joys.

I am receiving an education in a fascinating subject which I am gifted enough to be able to understand. It is difficult, and it is hard work, but I am resilient and capable. 

I do not have friends here, but I time to myself. Time to relax, to think, and to work. I have friends in other places, who genuinely care for me.

I have people who make an effort to keep in contact with me. I've lost people, but the good ones have stayed.

I am lonely right now and I most likely will be for the next five months. But that time will fly by and I will soon be onto the next chapter.

Things can change and I can change them.

[90lbs2014]

Another year alone.

[0catnip]

this is why you’re doing this. keep going. don’t lose sight of your goal.

[90lbs2014]

Why the fuck are you encouraging others to be ill and have no self esteem?

If you’re harming yourself to be aesthetically pleasing that’s fine, so what you want. But don’t tell others to do the same.

[90lbs2014]

All alone in the world. Nobody gives a fuck what you do or where you go.

Driftwood. As usual.