93JuiceBox @93juicebox - Tumblr Blog

You would clearly tell me & let me know that I wasn’t the one for you, you never loved me enough to see a future with me all along by trying to break up with me every chance you had. my dumbass just let all that slide & pretended not to hear those words I was too blinded by the love I had & have for you. I thought maybe you could change & actually see me as your real partner one day & now it makes sense I did know this all along & that is why I felt so alone in our relationship. I felt like I wasn’t enough for you, that I wasn’t good enough. I would see other couples getting engaged, writing post/ notes about their partner telling them that “they’re the one for them” or how they want to spend the rest of their life’s with them & even start a family. I wanted that.. I wanted you to feel that way about me.. that’s why I would always compare our relationship to others because You didn’t make me feel secure in ours. I wanted that. I wanted for you to come out to your family like you had originally told me you were. I also felt insacule because I felt like if you didn’t come out you were always going to have that option to brake up with me & ending up with a guy & go back to your family like nothing ever happened between us. I didn’t even want you to introduce me as your gf. To me that was something i was looking for to believe you were committed to me & our relationship but you didn’t. when we got back together after you had broken up with me the first time. You gave me false promises & I think because of that I felt betrayed I kept waiting for you to show me you were serious about us & you never did. I felt like you never took me serious & I did I was trying to hard to be the perfect person for you… but now.. now I understand that no matter how hard I tried no matter how much I changed I was never going to be enough & be that person for you because you never felt that way about me. We had amazing fucking times together & I know you did love me I felt your love but it wasn’t enough like how you would always tell me. You just loved me enough to keep me around. You had deeper issues going on inside of yourself but you didn’t know how to separate them & ended blaming me.

I am worth it. I am fucking enough. I am fucking amazing. You just didn’t want to change & see it.

nightlyquotes

“It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”

— Chuck Palahniuk, Diary

I don’t deserve to constantly be belittled

I don’t deserve to be kept a secret

I deserve someone who loves me & is proud to have me & show me off to the world & their family.

This whole time I felt insecure in our love, belittled, unworthy, always not enough.

Constantly felt alone, hungry for attention & deep love that I would look for that in other people.

I know I’m not perfect but I’m not the worst & I know I have a pure heart at the end of the day.

I sometimes just want to die but than I think about how my mom would feel.

defiantsuggestions

You were not a bad child. You were not difficult. You were not a burden. You were not evil.

You were a child.

It was the people around you who had a problem

And it was the people around you who were selfish enough to take their problems out on a child who was too small and helpless to defend themself.

It was the people around you who raised you to hate yourself.

And it's hard to believe when that awful environment is all you've known

But there are people out there who would be horrified at the way you've suffered

And there are people out there who would think you're amazing

It's not your fault you grew up in an abusive household

They're the ones who chose to mistreat you

And they were the ones who convinced you to blame yourself

And you deserve better

I promise you, you deserve better

defiantsuggestions

Whatever hell your parents forced you to adapt to, you can unlearn.

It's hard. It takes ages. There's a lot of healing and introspection involved. You will make mistakes often, and there will be setbacks.

But it is possible.

You can learn to practice self care. You can learn to interact with your loved ones as an equal. You can learn not to bow to every order given. You can learn to put your needs first.

The skills aren't innate. It won't be as easy to learn new behaviors and social languages as it was when you were a child.

But the brain is capable of forming new pathways. You are capable of change. This is part of healing.