an: i’m not exactly sure why i’m posting this but this is the first draft of this fic that i did in 2015. some of these scenes ended up in the original fic but this one supposedly had a different plot (which i didnt go for) but anyways
01
“are you sure you want me to come?”
it’s a bright sunday, taehyung and jeongguk are buying grocery at the supermarket five kilometers away from their flat and it’s nice, the store is playing classical piano pieces and there’s a stall that offers free sushi if you buy three. jeongguk is pushing their cart forward as he tells him what to get. their sundays are usually spent like this. it had always been nice like this.
“i’m not saying you have to. just if you want to.” jeongguk says trying to pick the box of cereals on the top layer. taehyung insists on getting the one at the bottom because they’re just the same jeonggukie but jeongguk pretends he doesn’t hear it.
“of course, i’d want to.” taehyung says as they move to a different aisle. “i’d love to.”
02
a drive on busan on a summer day is not entirely pleasing but it’s still nice overall. the lush of buildings are gone the second they turn from the exit and it’s unfamiliar to be far away from the city but taehyung has always loved new things, new adventures, and new people. jeongguk is playing a mix of new songs he found from the music store in hongdae and it’s silent except for the music and the sound of jeongguk casually tapping his fingers on the wheel. they’re fine, taehyung thinks. they’ve always been fine.
“do you or do you not” taehyung begins when jeongguk decides to take a stop and grab something to eat. it’s the usual game. taehyung asks a question that begins with do you or do you not and jeongguk shies away with his answer, finds taehyung’s bicep and hits it with a smile.
“do you or do you not” taehyung repeats chuckling. “just answer me!”
jeongguk turns his back on him and walks but looks back on his third step and taehyung takes it as an answer.
03
they reach haeundae on a humid wednesday and it feels awful to be sweating all over his limbs but the breeze feels warm and refreshing when it blows on taehyung’s skin and he couldn’t be less happy when jeongguk slings his arm around him as they walk to the beach.
“so this is busan.” taehyung says as he looks toward the sea. it’s not that big, not like the ones he’s been to when he had a trip to jeju but it’s clean and the waves are almost so quiet, like lulling him to sleep. this is you, he hears himself think at the back of his mind but he doesn’t press it on. they could have that conversation on another day.
“just a part of it but yeah.” jeongguk answers and he doesn’t know but to taehyung it means two things.
04
haeundae is a lot like seoul. there’s still a lot of karaoke bars and the streets are still lined up with restaurants and even if the people sound roughly different, taehyung learns to cope. they don’t stay in a hotel nor a cheap apartment like he thought they would. they stay on a villa hidden on the deep part of the town instead, a small bungalow made of woods. some place jeongguk said he once lived in when he was six. and maybe taehyung would call it home with the porcelain displays matched with cobwebs he sees when they first came in. it smells far from their shared flat - an air of morning coffees and pancakes and cigarettes, but still it smells like home.
“taehyung this seems… you… i’m…” jeongguk says like he forgets what he’s supposed to say in the middle of talking. he has always been short in speaking his mind. not his forte.
“soju?” taehyung gets it though. been well aware of. taehyung knows how to handle it more than hoseok gives him credit for.
jeongguk shakes his head and taehyung nods. “hoseok hyung will be coming.” he says to him after the silence.
“when?”
“when he comes.”
and jeongguk doesn’t push it more, surrenders himself on the couch, as he clicks his phone and plays a song - one that feels like it stitches up the gaps between your fingers and you’re not free but you are.
05
taehyung hangs yellow yarns on the roof and lets it fall down to the floor. it’s summer, taehyung knows, summers are hot and sweaty, but a little bit in his heart hoped it would rain.
“taehyung?”
“hmm?”
“do you…”
haeundae doesn’t get rains but it gets something more. it gets a calm smile from jeongguk and taehyung thinks it’s more than enough. it has always been enough.
“hello, i’m taehyung.” but it never starts like this.
you think back to the time when you first met, on your way home from some cheap bar after thrift shopping. your mother called that afternoon asking if you’re coming home for christmas, you said you’ll check your schedule (but the thing is you don’t even have one, not recently anyways) and then hung up after a few more mhhmms and ahhs. maybe next year you think. you were biking, listening to the bustling sound of the night, enjoying the lights. you stop your track, pause a bit to take a picture when it happens.
“pretty right?” you hear from your side. your phone just changing to the next song on your list. korean, you haven’t heard someone talk with that aside from the voice inside your head when you’ve downed a shot of tequila. and your mouth just says “reminds me of home.” in korean too because why not.
he looks at you for awhile then smiles, just a small one, enough to show his front teeth. “where?” he asks. “daegu to seoul i guess.” you responded before the introduction comes.
it’s not the saddest thing - not having enough money to book a plane ride back for christmas or even send some postcards for the holiday or get your friends the things they want. it’s just japan gets lonely, it always is. different from seoul, different from home.
he’s from busan (to seoul, he added, copying you), been away for almost a year now, found a place to work, wanted to leave, sort of, until he left anyways. a lot similar to you in a way.
“it’s either that or i just really want to be on the land where one piece was born.” he jokes as the little conversation turned into a ‘want to get some beer?’ and you had said yes even though you knew it was probably a bad idea, your alcohol tolerance isn’t really the highest (it’s low, very) and you’ve had rum and coke (more coke than rum but) awhile ago. but this is unlikely. not that there aren’t any koreans around. it’s just unlikely that someone decided to talk or for you to talk to one. you miss home but missing will just mean wanting to go back and you can’t do that just yet.
“i knew it.” you chuckle. “i was mainly here for studio ghilbi you know. have you seen their movies? the best in this world.”
he nods and you let yourself talk more, your tongue slipping in the most words you’ve spoken to for the last month. it’s comforting and almost feels like the taehyung from two years back in the first weeks you’ve moved to japan. two years and counting and you feel like the city has sucked the hopes you’ve had when you first came in it - a stranger, a dreamer per say.
“jeongguk, you’re coming home for christmas?”
“no.” jeongguk looks at you before drinking. “not yet.”
and you chuckle at the familiarity. not yet. not now.
“well, what do you say about boardgames for the holidays?”
and sure, he tells you. sure like it was what he’s been waiting for even at that time, he didn’t know about it yet.
“i’m not supposed to meet you.” taehyung tells jeongguk for the fifth time today, hands intertwined, a small smile on his mouth, a dust of pink in his cheek. jeongguk looks back at him as if to say really, you’re really not supposed to meet me yet here you are. and in taehyung’s head he replies really, you’re bad for me but doesn’t because where’s the fun in that. where’s the fun in poking at things when he can have this?
“what are we going to do now?” taehyung asks jeongguk for the sixth time today. they’ve thrown the garbage out of jeongguk’s flat, fed the cat, watched a couple of shows, talked a lot in between them, held hands. this is nothing perhaps nothing, there’s nothing to tell excitingly about this but he does. because where’s the fun if he doesn’t try to make this something more out of what it really is? here we lie, say a thousand words and hope at least one or two of them means a thing. here taehyung lies, in jeongguk’s lap hoping that this one could mean to both of them as much.
“hey, i like you a lot.” taehyung says to jeongguk for the first time today and jeongguk smiles. that’s it. maybe that should be the story.
spa(in the ass)
1/? from writing challenge
500~ word drabble
the spa date should have gone like this damn it!
an: i’ve decided to combat my bad writer’s block by writing prompt challenges. i’m doing this one from thoughtcatalog although im not following it religiously because hell im not writing 30 for this! and i never write prompts religiously anyways but just until i get the feel to write my other more important fics!
-
‘it should be like this.’ taehyung says in his head as he gets ready for his woola-oozing-totally-exciting-and-steamy spa date as jimin called with jeon jeongguk. things from their last pilates session has led to this, surprisingly so. taehyung was cooling down from that day’s routine when he asks jimin, his best friend, to come unwind in the spa like adults they were. jimin had declined, talking about spa and “someone not jin hyung touching his ass” would be an instant no no. jimin then pulled taehyung to ask jeongguk who was at his left and well, jeongguk simply said “yeah, sure” when taehyung asked so here he is, in front of his closet, doing a prep talk to himself.
to say taehyung liked jeongguk was an overstatement. they talked a few, considering jeongguk was part of the pilates group he’s in, albeit not as friends but acquaintances per say which was cool. jeongguk is a funny guy as far as taehyung has overheard from the sessions when jeongguk talks to his friends or jimin. he just wanted to impress. he means well, who wouldn’t want to impress a good looking guy as jeongguk right? right?
‘it should be like this. i’ll come out of the dressing room in a bathrobe really cool and sexy and smile. not tense. we’ll get the massage. maybe that’s gonna last half an hour? an hour? right. talk about the weather, or more pilates or if he liked van gogh or neruda, maybe if he likes those stuff. then we’ll get tea. i’ll ask him if he likes the organic tea, they have that in the spa and really i like tea. it should end nice. we’ll end up as good friends.’ taehyung continues to talk, dressing up and combing his hair in place as he looks at his reflection and exhales loudly.
he meets jeongguk outisde on the corner of the spa feeding a stray cat and when he looks up at taehyung, the smile jeongguk gives almost blinds him. and from that point, the night didn’t exactly went as it should be from taehyung’s perspective.
(it went like this - taehyung tried to keep cool and sexy as he changed into the spa’s bathrobe but as he walked ahead of jeongguk, he slipped, his ass hitting the cold ground unattractively and jeongguk all helps himself to not laugh but as he picks taehyung up, taehyung grunting about how he’s supposed to be cool, jeongguk couldn’t keep it and laughs out loud, too bright, even brighter than jeongguk’s smile when they met outside of the spa. taehyung pouting as they walk to the spa room with jeongguk still muffling his laugh, saying “it’s okay hyung, just look cool with the tea later.” and taehyung stopping his track to slap jeongguk’s arm playfully, because “i should be the one asking for tea!” and yeah, they did get the tea after the massage, talked about a few couple artists they liked and laughed more, taehyung hearing jeongguk’s jokes this time without needing to eavesdrop. and yes things didn’t go as it should, taehyung thought before the night lulls him to sleep, but this, that was fine too.)
saying names
666 words // we learn names and paint places
1
“taehyung. my name is taehyung.” he will say at one point when all that is left in the air is their hard breathing. he’s looking at the ceiling, thinking ‘i’m falling right now i am’ and he knows. he knows it more than anybody else. then the other boy takes a look at him and suddenly he doesn’t know a thing - is today a tuesday, is it raining, did the news said it was supposed to be, but he repeats it again, “taehyung. my name is taehyung.”
“taehyung..” the boy on top breathes out, whispers to his ear. he stops and moves to lay down beside him and taehyung thinks he’s trying to figure out what to say next, or what to do. but then taehyung feels him stare at him, his other finger pointing to the ceiling, saying “well taehyung, you didn’t paint that very well.”
2
“jeongguk.” the boy tells taehyung as they walk to the hardware store to buy paint. his hair is still damped from shower and the buzzing winter breeze is starting to get to his skin. taehyung looks at the boy in question.
“i am.” the boy, jeongguk says, hiding half of his face in his scarf. or taehyung’s scarf. whatever, as if that matters.
he smiles, taehyung does, and they continue walking, him stopping on an ice cream parlor to say “well, nice to meet you then.”
3
“harry potter huh?”
“i like harry potter.” taehyung says. “wingardium leviosa.”
jeongguk giggles a little, returning to his job on mixing the paint to a shade of white but not quite white. he doesn’t know why is this happening. he doesn’t think it’s really happening.
taehyung thinks he could say more things to jeongguk if he wanted to. he could tell him he likes pablo neruda. or maybe only that one poem where he said we are all onions. he dislikes onions but he likes sunflowers. he likes sleeping on the floor. he likes playing sad music while he’s cleaning. he thinks he could say these out loud if he wanted to, but he also thinks these are things you have to learn with him. not that jeongguk has to. or wants to.
“oh you’re 61 kilos eh?” jeongguk says as he picks a paper from the floor. taehyung’s medical results from a year ago. “well i guess that makes sense.”
“what does?”
“you feel lighter on top of me at bed.”
4
there’s a saying that goes that if it hurts, we’re only doing it to ourselves. once, twice. taehyung said he’ll stop doing it. but once, twice, taehyung also hopes he’d be safe in here.
jeongguk goes from a place far away from his. and seemingly there’s a saying that you have to say it if you want it. so once, twice, more and many times, taehyung calls.
jeongguk is painting the walls of his house with the paint they bought from the hardware, with the colour he mixed for an hour straight to make it perfect. once, twice, maybe more times taehyung wished for this.
“do you like it taehyung...hyung?”
he just didn’t thought it could get real.
5
“we’re almost done...” he says as jeongguk takes a break from his work. he doesn’t know if he wants them to be done. they’ve stained his couch, his drawer and his socks that he hasn’t kept in his closet.
“i feel like i haven’t done this much work since i dropped from uni.” jeongguk tells him and it’s not needed. taehyung doesn’t think he needs it until he hears it anyway.
they finish the paint and they clean things up in silence - moving the couches, fixing the bedsheets, sweeping the floor. jeongguk on his way to the door. and “stay” maybe taehyung will say, has to say, wants to stay. there’s a saying that goes you have to ask if you want but taehyung doesn’t say it.
walking in the wind
500 words // expressing emotions
*AN: this is sort of inspired from that line in one direction’s song that my friend kept tweeting and that also /tugged/ my heart. this started real nice so i was glad bc i haven’t been writing but yeah okay.
-
”there are some kind of love that stays inside of you and never leaves.” taehyung will say once he has the chance - a time in context with what he learned from one of his classes back in college. expressing emotions isn’t easy, he knows and he’ll tell someone that when asked why now of all times. expressing emotions should be done in a right language, in a right time, with the right person. maybe taehyung won’t be too keen and he’d spill it on a bar counter someday, in front of an old local bar and an old man whom he hopes knows better than him. but either ways it won’t be less important or any less truthful. it will be long and maybe sad but it’s worth a listen.
“we talked you know and said goodbye and that’s important. that means we’ve already won. i should be glad.” taehyung will continue. he will smile a little, just a little, one that doesn’t reach the eyes somehow, one that people can tell stories about. he will try to make everyone understand how two people can be at different places and can still be bound together even it’s slightly unconvincing, even for him. but he remembers the day they said goodbye - one night back in that street that intersects to two different directions - and when he said goodbye, he means something more. it means sort of like “see you later” or “i’ll see you again.”
“what we had was you know not spectacular, i guess all love are not unless you’re the one in it. we just you know, liked talking in dr. seuss rhyme form and liked watching random videos on youtube. there wasn’t that grand scheme of things and if my brain were to consider, they’d think they aren’t the ‘core memories’ or stuff. but sometimes i look at my browser and start wondering how he is, is he eating well, does he keep checking our subscriptions, did he listen to the new coldplay album. like a part of me will always be partly him. so there i guess there are some kind of love that stays inside you.”
taehyung knows it isn’t too hard to admit it but still it will take him awhile - awhile to finally, finally say his name and not feel ten times worse after. to be able to tell someone that he knows there still is something left for them. or maybe just for him. maybe he won’t even get to say it in the right context. in a right language so that people will understand and try to be okay why he’ll be doing it that time. that’s the thing with expressing emotions, sometimes you can’t express them at all.
there are some kind of love that stays inside of you and never leaves. “maybe i’ll see him again and he’d say sorry and i’ll tell him he shouldn’t be. we don’t need that. i’ll see him again.”
and sometimes that confidence to do so will be enough.
an outtake from the catcher!au that i still haven’t finished writing
“i guess what he’s”
“was jimin, how many times do i have - “
“okay was.” jimin sighs at jeongguk sitting on the side of the street, a cigarette in hand. he looks sort of like him from where he sits and it’s almost haunting, in a way that the light from the street lamp is almost flattering for the way it makes jeongguk’s facial features lit up. “i guess what he was trying to do was pick things up you know, of what was left and make something out of it. for the last time.”
“yeah i know, i know.” jeongguk interrupts, breathing out the smoke then pokes at them in the air as if they’re bubbles. “i am an architect, that’s what we do.” he chuckles, a little too loudly that it’s more like a cry suppressed in laughter, a breath stuck in between his lungs. “he wasn’t though and i don’t know why i keep getting mad when i shouldn’t.”
jimin finally sits down beside him. “you love him that’s why. loved him whatever tenses you want to use. and then he left, and you’re alone. i guess you can feel a little mad after that.”
“no, no.” he shakes his head and finishes the cigarette, throws it and stomps on it until the smoke all stops. “he didn’t leave technically. i was the one who took the plane back but i did it more because that’s what i was supposed to do you know. maybe this is all my fault huh?”
jeongguk takes another cigarette from his pack and lights it up again, finishes in another two minutes. “but if i didn’t go, you know jimin.” he looks at jimin and nods. “i guess i’ll still be mad.”
jimin laughs. a little, just a short one. “so who’s holden now?” he stands up and cleans off his jeans.
“holden’s not mad though, just a lot sad.” so maybe it is me or both of us. whatever. jeongguk doesn’t bring himself to say out loud.
inelegance
600+ words | tw: mental illness | sitting inside a closed room is like a church for him.
"it's not everyday you find there's someone to listen." taehyung says to him as he pats the empty space and calls for him to sit. jeongguk nods before he does and breathes as comfortably as he can. he doesn't think it's unfair that nobody is there to listen sometimes. or maybe it is. but people always had better things to do or more important people to talk to. he doesn't want to give a big fuss.
"how are you feeling?" taehyung asks sounding like his psychiatrist even if he never had one. it takes awhile before he gets to it. he read before that anti-depressants always leaves you blank after hours of intake, thinking yet not yearning, searching yet always lost. he doesn't think he is but none of the people who are admits to weakness on the first try. he could still fill in cities after cities on the world globe though, it helps relieve anxiety or at least for him it does. a little.
"i'm just not okay right now, are you?" he allows himself to give. maybe the history includes all wars to tell you that it's fine to be selfish, at least at one point, for something that you think you should have. but jeongguk has always failed history and searches for the right words instead.
if you asked him to map a way across his heart, he'd tell you how it opens, how long do you have to wait in each stop, how to get close and how to find a way so you can hold it between your fingers. a small line across his palms, not of divination or the way the stars are plotted across the sky, you let them meet halfway so you could let something start. if you form a fist, you build one heart and maybe, jeongguk reasons, it's why everyone goes a little mad from time to time.
"doesn't people let it out on someone if they're not okay so they can get a little better?" taehyung asks again curling the tail of jeongguk's hair with his thumb and index finger. it's soothing, a little ticklish when taehyung's skin meets the one on the back of his neck- a little too sensitive. "or pray?" taehyung speaks again trying to play catch with his eyes.
jeongguk looks down on his jeans and forgets the bruises hiding underneath them. "sitting and talking like this has always been like a church for me." taehyung nods, presses his hand together on his knees and lets them stay there.
"you have to be unfortunate to be happy. at least one person has to be a little sadder than someone to make one's day a little brighter. isn't that right?" he doesn't think it's right but he isn't sure if he quite understands it. not when he's studied geography more than he ever did anything in his entire life.
if he draws his heart and counts all the fingerprints it shows from the people who have grabbed on to it, it will be a large number. but the large number doesn't compare to the miles that separate two lovers, or the strings that hold lines of the fake telephones. someone has said that if all the first loves ended up together, all of us will end up with the wrong person. this is why he studies geography. that is why no one listens or stays long enough to know what number has it been. geography needs memorization. nobody ever pays attention to the monotonous sound of breaking. nobody rejoices for the martyr. he doesn't blame them, he doesn't want to give a big fuss.
"if i tell you im unhappy, would you allow yourself to feel fine?" taehyung joins his eyebrows in the middle and throws him a smile.
jeongguk stands up and walks to the wall on the right side of this room with no doors, at least not a visible one. "look i'm here, you don't have to do this alone." taehyung points at the mirror on his back and yet when he turns his head to look at it, there's no one other than him in the reflection.
prompt #2 fill: and i’d end up lying (say i love you too)
1550 words + 300 ~ footnotes | PG- 13 |
the sun’s not rising from where jeongguk stands but it’s rising somewhere, somehow. there’s a soft knock on the door, and this time he’s not lying, he hopes it would be you.
only the good (the good the good)
613w / the more that he breathes, the more he recalls. / rated e for electricity turns off sometimes when i write something
taehyung is trying to remember as much as he tries to forget. “i’m sorry it was raining and there were thunders and the electricity blinked and i forgot to click save and when it got back ive forgotten half of it.” and there’s namjoon saying “it’s okay. that happens.” and taehyung would like to agree that sometimes things happen. even if he doesn’t know if it’s meant for the good or the bad.
“what are you painting?” namjoon asks as he stares at the canvas. there’s limbs. many of them and taehyung thinks that’s where he started from a week ago. “it’s him.” taehyung admits. “he likes octopus a lot so i made him one.” pauses. “sort of.”
“you’re weird aren’t you?” namjoon asks. he only comes over to get his jacket, the blue one. taehyung has always liked the blue one. but maybe he comes for something more. jimin says it’s to make him feel better. he doesn’t know if it does.
“that’s what he always says.” he smiles and maybe at the first thing he wrote he’s trying to forget this part, he tried to burn the paper that reads taehyung hyung because he thought that would burn the feeling. that it would burn something in him that ignited one cold winter ago.
in that cold winter he’d say he loved. he wishes he loved. he plays the guitar and sings like he means it’s only for you. he doesn’t talk that much. he doesn’t like baking. it’s one cold winter. and there’s a lot of stolen kisses. even when they’re not stolen. sometimes he tells you he likes you. sometimes he holds your knees and smiles. and sometimes you hold his face and close your eyes.
“what did you want with him, taehyung?” namjoon asks as he puts his hand on his shoulder.
“jeonggukie?” he laughs, just a little and it’s not half-hearted but it’s not real. somewhere in between. you can’t always have a name for everything. namjoon is surprised but he nods.
taehyung clears his thought and looks at the canvas. he thinks that people always tells a story about how someone would name the stars after you but it’s not always the same thing and that’s what he knows. “i wanted to give him more but not everything. you can’t give everything.”
he looks at the canvas again and continues. “maybe i’ve given him more than i wanted to and maybe that’s why i’m here.” he pauses again like poems do after each line but this is not a poem, his love is not a poem. his love is something more terrifying than a poem. “and maybe he also did want more but i don’t know, who would know?”
before the cold winter ended, taehyung tried to learn something on the piano, something that he wanted jeongguk to hear. they played with the snow. they held hands and pretended it’s just to ease the cold. taehyung wished he said something but jeongguk was smiling and that’s all it took for him to push back what he wanted to say. jeongguk was smiling and that’s all it took for him to smile. one that’s pure and golden. something he has a name for.
namjoon is looking at him and then he’s leaving the door and taehyung would say he wishes he could take the feeling away with him when he does so he doesn’t have to know what jeongguk wanted, so he doesn’t have to know if it’s different than what he wants.
namjoon stops and recoils back, points the canvas and then says. “i think you know.” and taehyung doesn’t say anything. “and that’s why you’re here.”
it’s not a story (im just scared that’s all)
taehyung thinks he’s being brave by doing this
taehyung is counting the breaks on the wooden table he’s lying on. he is trying to listen more to the wind. it’s a closed room, it’s an open room, open for all but with doors. he is trying to make himself believe he’s being brave by doing this.
“taehyung you need a hand there?” jimin asks when he walks in wearing trousers and a clean shirt that’s probably his. “you look like you’re in deep shit”
he rolls his body to face jimin to say ‘maybe’ but he feels his throat close up and somehow it gets harder to breath air like he’s trying to swallow people and he ends up saying nothing at all, jimin putting a hand on his head and saying “deep shit you are, just shove it back up.”
but the thing is taehyung doesn’t know how to shove it back up. taehyung doesn’t know how to just shush this away and go on, buy ramen, watch alien movies, walk to a park, do things as taehyung does, as taehyung had always done. he couldn’t even bring himself pick up the telephone. no it doesn’t mean anything. he’s just scared. maybe he’s just scared for it all.
“hey” comes a sound from the other room’s window.
taehyung is trying to count the breaks on the wall. “was it an earthquake?” he finally manages to say something now, quivering, shaking, was it an earthquake, he hears it echo back at him.
“i said hey not anything about geology. please dont talk to me about geology.”
geology, how the world moves, how the planets move, farther or closer to each other, taehyung doesn’t want to know, he doesn’t need to, he’s not taking geology, he’s taking art, there’s something different to that. maybe he’s not brave for doing this at all.
“i came here to tell you something” he hears the other say still from the window.
but taehyung doesn’t have a heart to hear the rest of it. he can’t do this. he can’t think it’s a kingdom. this is not a kingdom. one has to leave first, that’s always the story - a poet once told him. he’d take his leave now.
“it’s real right?” jimin asks him when they meet again and he’s still counting the breaks on the wooden table, a different one than the first but still a table.
“is it?” he gets to ask now. and really taehyung wants to know, needs to know.
“i don’t know” jimin answers “i’m not the one in it.”
taehyung is the one in it and maybe jeon jeongguk too.but it’s not real. it cannot be real.
say your name is a tree
400 words
rated nothing really
economics say the biggest opportunity cost of jeongguk’s sleep is seeing the guy on the tree house.
he’s standing on my tree house for the second time today, his shoes still on, his hair damp on his forehead like the emo kid he is. no it is not really his tree house but he wants it to be his. the same thing with the boy standing on his self-proclaimed tree house. he doesn’t really know him but he wants him. he thinks he does or at least right now. the now when it’s 2 in the morning and he should be asleep, now when he has to do his homework for his class at 10, now when the other he is yawning and maybe looking at him.
the thing is people never stop wanting. the whole economics has explained it way deeply. he’s taking it now, the subject, the damn subject with that damn boring teacher with the boring voice and a sunny pink dress. economics, supply and demand shizz, choices and trade off and opportunity costs. he hasn’t learned much but he’d tell you this.
the way the other guy is standing on his tree house means that he demands an attention and it is upon jeongguk, the self-proclaimed owner of the tree house to make a choice if he supplies it or not. if he chooses him and his big yawns for a loss of sleep and maybe the alone time he wants to give himself.
although jeongguk knows what happens next or at least he pretends he does. he’s gonna come up to the tree house and then leave, maybe after touching his nose, feeling his fingers. he’d leave right before an explosion (what explosion someone might ask and he’d tell you this “i’m afraid if i hold you i’ll never let you go” a dangerous kind of explosion) or maybe he won’t leave or at least not too soon. but if that is the case then he won’t even climb up the tree house and he won’t even touch his fingers, won’t even have the chance to hear him, the other guy, say ‘wait, what’s your name.’
his name is jeongguk but he could be other names. he could be light or thunderstorms or crazy pancakes. you could be anything you want to be blah blah. he’d be anything but the guy standing on the tree house. he’d be anything but want. he’d be a need because at least that’s reasonable. because want is ‘hey i feel like cuddling cuddle with me’, need is ‘hey it’s cold, cuddle with me’. there’s a big difference. whatever.
the other guy is still looking at him and yeah jeongguk still wants him, still thinks of climbing up the tree house, still thinks of touching his fingers, still wants him to call up and ask his name.
he’d say it if it happens but he won’t ask his name back. he’d never ask his name back.
nerd science hands
words: 1.5 k
rated t for trash without plot really
summary: i love you, of course i want to touch your butt
notes: a sequel to this but could be read separately i guess. a trashy attempt to romcom!au of science geeks taekook.
jeongguk is strictly a man of habit. this is what taehyung knows. 'his mind works like a calendar sometimes.' he would say when jimin asks how the hell does he know if jeongguk would go to grocery or not. anyone could go to the freaking grocery anytime they want to, not just on mondays.
"scientific method. i think he's on some experiment." taehyung says stacking the cereals.
"on what?"
jimin is baffled ever since taehyung asked for science fair tickets as a payback for taking his shift for him as promised. ("science fair?" he asked almost close to laughing and spitting his ramyeon out of his mouth because seriously?
taehyung just simply nodded, continued eating. "there's one this coming friday, get us tickets like you promised."
"you seriously want your first date to be at a science fair? i thought you're gonna stop being a mom with jeongguk, taehyung-ah. this is way worse." jimin laughed loud. 'what a dweeb, probably never gonna reach base 2 anytime soon.' he thought shaking his head dismissively. as far as taehyung-jeongguk story gets, the farthest they done as couples is hugging.
"he's stoked for science, he'll love it and want to marry me in an instant." taehyung said, certain. jimin wanted to laugh more.)
taehyung gives himself some time to think before he says "that i don't know yet." and goes back to stacking more boxes of cereals.
it's monday, jeongguk left the apartment 7am sharp for grocery. he'll be back before 8 then he'll go to school. taehyung has school too but grandma and grandpa went on a trip, and they've trusted taehyung to keep things going while they're away. taehyung can't reject the request.
"i'm thinking jeongguk;s on an experiment about how to identify your pheromones. that kid's on puberty, he probably has thousands of sexy dirty thoughts. i'm positive." jimin snides in, wiggling eyebrows. since taehyung shared that once jeongguk asked for them to shower together, jimin has never stopped making his "theories about the wonders of jeongguk's mind".
it's a theory with basis though, taehyung would admit but when jeongguk asked to shower together, all they ever did was to just really shower together, nothing more. jeongguk probably asked to save time. jeongguk always wants to save time. 'more time for science and video games chop chop' what a kid.
"hey hey" jimin says now, looking at his phone. taehyung hopes it's not a date, he clearly doesn't want to stay at the store alone the whole day.
"do you know why jeongguk's asking where to buy gold and silver phone cases?"
"gold and silver?" the last time he checked jeongguk's favorite color is still red. change of preferences maybe? exploring? experimenting?
"and also he said i should tell you you're an ugly guy." jimin tells him, extending his arm to show taehyung the message. it clearly reads that: hyung, tell taehyung hyung he's An Ugly Guy.
"i thought you said he has a habit of smothering you with crazy compliments about how your nostrils are beautiful they remind him of the orbits of the planets." jimin puts his phone back to his pocket and continues with the inventory of sodas.
at the back of taehyung's mind, jimin's relast reply lingers more than necessary. jeongguk really said that, they were lying on the floor eating chips when he said that thing about his nostrils. ('and your nose freckle is a lost stardust.' jeongguk even added, touching the tip of taehyung's nose while giggling.) taehyung decides upon a theory that puberty does something different with a kid like jeon jeongguk, and it's normal. (but he's lying, he doesn't think it's normal. jeongguk never ever breaks his habits.)
-
when he comes home, he sees two paper bags filled with grocery at the door with a note 'hyung, i left my grocery at your door because i was running late for school and it clearly takes a lot more time for me to unlock my door please don't eat my marshmallows.'
typical jeongguk spending way more time in the grocery than he needs to, taehyung thinks smiling. he carries the bags to jeongguk's room. he's gotten a duplicate key a week after the date proposal. ('i've always thought you didn't want me this close to your life. i mean you even lock your door! what am i supposed to think of that?' taehyung explained when jeongguk asked what made him think jeongguk never liked him more than a hyung.
jeongguk had laughed at him when he said that. 'hyung, i only lock it because my mom said it's a good habit to keep.'
the next day, jeongguk walked in the convenience store with two identical keys on his hand.)
taehyung puts the grocery bags and starts taking them out one by one when he sees the grocery list jeongguk has made the other day. he decides to read it first.
taehyung reads one by one inspecting if jeongguk has bought everything when "shit what." a ghostly apparition dressed in burning red (read as jeongguk) pulls the list away from his hands. he's not even finished reading yet, he saw a scribble at the back.
"hyung don't do that." jeongguk says keeping the paper at the deepest part of his pocket. "not a good trait as a scientist."
"i'm just curious. scientists are always curious." he chuckles because jeongguk never stops thinking about science. what a nerd. he's in love with a nerd. "also scientist jeon, why am i an ugly guy now? i believe you reached a wrong conclusion. i'm disappointed."
jeongguk's face falters when he hears that but taehyung doesn't make a big deal out of it. jeongguk never really likes making taehyung disappointed. "oh that, nothing big really, guess i have to do the method again."
"well good luck kid." taehyung says. he has never seen anyone who follows that scientific method more than jeongguk does. he walks out of the door expecting jeongguk to follow.
in jeongguk's calendar, monday are grocery days and pokemon battles. they never break that habit. "come on."
they don't sleep until 2:30.
-
taehyung wakes up the next day without jeongguk lying on his side. ('it's like that problem from a story after fucking, jimin, but thousand times worse because because he didn't even fuck me.') he goes to jeongguk's room without even washing his morning face. time to wake up the kid, no time to fix himself. how heroic.
jeongguk's room is messy. taehyung picks up the dirty laundry and runs a finger over the papers on the desk when he reads
"hyung?" jeongguk says in a morning bed voice. taehyung concludes he wants to fuck him. what a kid. he always had wanted to fuck him. he tosses the paper to jeongguk still on bed.
jeongguk reads before he says "oh, you saw it. it was a failed one though."
"what fail?" totally want to fuck you nerd.
"you didn't get it.... the initiation code..." jeongguk says. "An Ugly Guy. Gold and Silver. AUG. DNA replication initiation code.hoseok hyung said you never start things until you get a go signal. that was it. AUG. i couldn't think of a better phrase for a, u and g and i just keep thinking about gold and silver because element symbols. it's stupid. you didn't get it." jeongguk continues covering his face with his hands, peeking in the middle of his fingers only to see taehyung, with his messy bed hair, smirking. doesn't help at all.
taehyung sits on the bed with him. cute. he removes jeongguk's hand from his face to kiss him for the first time. so fucking cute.
a nerd asking to be laid using a scientific method. how nerdy. he stops kissing him to ask "so is this the nothing big experiment huh?" and jeongguk nods slowly. "and wait, don't tell me the shower thing is a part of this too?"
jeongguk looks down now, cheeks turning red. he whispers "observation and data gathering..."
taehyung has never been so in love with him before. "you're so cute i'm gonna kill you you hear me i'm gonna fucking kill you."
"that's a wrong conclusion hyung.' jeongguk says before opening his mouth to taehyung's soft lips. jeongguk would break every habit to have that all the time.
-
jeongguk is not a baby on bed. this is what taehyung figures when he comes to the store in a turtle neck to cover the hickey jeongguk left on his neck this morning. jimin is already there when he came in.
"figured jeongguk's experiment out?"
in jeongguk's calendar, there's taehyung's name written with stars, a side note of 'i love you of course i want to touch your butt.' taehyung sure damn figured it out.
he pats jimin's head and smiles, the gooey one. "yeah, sex and love."
reply to ode
400 w | a reply to this | I take away your clothes because I panic they’d get you away from me.
I’m sorry, I only said what I said because I do not know myself.
See my hands are only powerful when they’re with yours, when you intertwine our fingers and tell me mines are cute. You don’t think of them deadly. You think of them like they hung the moon and not bodies, not souls, not you in between bed sheets and pillows, panting, screaming. Not something that draws out blood.
That’s why I said we should get used to the spaces. In those spaces we won’t touch, only linger. In those spaces I won’t hurt you even though that’s just a pretense. In those spaces there’s only hunger. At least there’s no sin to that.
I told you devils gnaw at everything they touch. I’m a devil and you’re my everything and when I’m with you, I know nothing but to hold you and want you and take you with me, through me, inside me. You’re lying on the floor and I’m thinking I love you.
I love you and I do not know love. I love you and I do not know how to keep you beside me and stand still on water. Water and fire are almost never friendly. Water and fire are you and me on the railroad, you and me on a hiking adventure. You and me bickering and bickering and laughing and laughing,
I take away the souls of the people so they could see you. I take away your clothes because I panic they’d get you away from me. You my little match stick, you my lovely smile, you my wish bone. A selfless one who wants me alone. Me a loveless one who loves you.
I never pray but this time I’d pray for you. I’d pray father let me know what it is to truly love without having to hurt you, without having to break headboards, without having to leave, without leaving. Father tell me how to stop my fingers from clutching his neck and tasting his mouth. Tell me how to stay and lay beside him and the silence. Him and the day he learned fencing. Him and his stories about his mother.
Him and his beauty alone. Him and him alone. With me.
I’d pray now that you only say the truth and nothing but it. Say yes if you mean it, say no if you don’t, say you hate me when you do, I’m only good this way. I’m only good when you hate me. So say it, say you love me even if you don’t. I love you, I’ll come back, I promise I promise.
light
word count: 1.6 k
pairing: yoonseok; side!taekook
summary: hoseok gets disappointed a lot.
notes: this is based from these graphics thank you very much j-nopeshi for permitting me. written for sarah i love you sarah and thank you heber ilysm
hoseok is watching himself up there in the view of the setting sun. he wants to know if anyone could tell him what it is like?
(it’s like losing yourself, someone once told him before but he doesn't remember. not really. he's been told that it’s like you’re letting loose of your grip onto something- maybe a tidal wave, a hollowed moan, a coiled laughter. hoseok doesn’t know how to put it in words like that.)
he’s standing on the apartment complex’s rooftop. he hasn’t done this before or maybe he has, he’s not sure if he remembers it right. but knowing him, this isn’t the first time it happened. today’s a sunny day. the news report from the school newspaper has put it up that way- three glowing suns with smiling faces, and little clouds. they never miss the weather news. or at least not hoseok.
there are still classes going on the university classrooms a few meters from where he stands. he sees jeongguk and taehyung down below, parking their bikes, smiling. that isn’t the first time either. jeongguk and taehyung. god, hoseok wants them to keep smiling.
(there’s a good memory hoseok wants to keep forever. the story of jeongguk and taehyung is rather a common one - meeting through a common friend and then ending up dating. nothing so special, jimin, their other friend, has once called it a normal love story. but hoseok could remember it well, the way jeongguk’s face lit up when taehyung asked him if he should call him boyfriend. and how nothing but sunshine filled up that week of mid-july. a week supposed to be nothing but hard pouring rain. hoseok has never seen jeongguk that happy.)
hoseok takes a good look at them for a long while, both of them lying down on the fake grass land. the color on taehyung’s bracelet is orange today. the second color of who he is, of something he has control over. it’s only orange when he’s with jeongguk. hoseok has figured this out from year long apartment sharings. orange -bright and clear. gods shining in taehyung’s soul. jeongguk brimming with a wild flash of liberty but hands on taehyung’s hands.
but today, hoseok is rather disappointed. it won’t really matter to the weather, the night is settling in, he doesn’t have to keep the sun shine all night long. no it’s not because of taehyung and jeongguk. or maybe partly. he’s not even sure what it is. he doesn’t know how to put it.
yoongi climbs up to the place where hoseok is. he’s the other roommate, jeongguk’s older brother and maybe hoseok’s closest friend. yoongi is not sure why he goes there but he does. hoseok smiles when he sees him.
"what are you thinking about?" yoongi asks and hoseok is a bit taken aback but then it’s yoongi, he shouldn’t be so surprised. he looks back at the sky then back to taehyung and jeongguk lying down on the grass.
"my mother has said i’d get disappointed a lot." he chuckles. "i do get disappointed a lot."
the sun is still there but it’s fading fast by now, faster than it’s supposed to. yoongi puts a hand on his shoulder. “don’t ruin it.” and hoseok looks up at the sky again, forces a smile, watches as the sun collapses, slow then all at once. yoongi pats him a minute after. “good boy.”
that’s how hoseok exists.
(or how we continues to anyways. he and yoongi met when he was six and yoongi seven. it was in a park somewhere and hoseok was mad. he was crying for a toy his mom wouldn’t give him. he didn’t understand it then, how much of his emotions could control the life on this world. how a frown could give a dynamic to the whole day weather. he was well, six, just a kid whiny and playful. a kid who just does whatever he does by instinct. yoongi was different. he knew what he is and what he has to do since the beginning. he’d roar out loud and slam the door when the news calls for it. he’d do it for days and calm down right after. yoongi has perfected what it seems to be like what he is. and that day, hoseok throwing stones to the ground, hit a stone on yoongi’s head by accident. it wasn’t a big stone, just small enough to cause a little wince from yoongi’s mouth. hoseok was then afraid of what yoongi would do to him but minutes after, there came nothing. yoongi just looked at him and shrugged, even asked him to come over and play with him.
"what do you do? my mom said you’re like me. one way or another." yoongi asks him while they are playing on the see-saw.
hoseok loosens his grip and almost falls but yoongi balances the two of them out in time and keeps them steady.
hoseok has never believed it true, neither understood but he told yoongi what he knows.”my mom said i’m the sun.”
yoongi beams at him for awhile before he says “well then you’re special.”
six year old hoseok gets flustered from the comment and falls on his butt without any intention to. yoongi hurries to help him up and by the time hoseok gets up, there’s another smile on yoongi’s lips. a smile that makes hoseok feel something burning inside him. like for the first time, he’s felt what his mother had always said he was like. for the first time he felt like the sun.
“t-thanks” he mutters, voice shaking. “thank you for helping me.”)
"let’s go down now." yoongi offers but doesn’t stand up. he looks like he’s waiting for hoseok to say something, like he knows hoseok would say something. hoseok doesn’t say anything though. they get down to their apartment, eat dinner, and watch television. he doesn’t say anything, nothing not until it’s three in the morning.
taehyung and jeongguk are sleeping on the kitchen floor by then. hoseok doesn’t know how they got there but the two has slept once inside the bathroom and looking at them now is nothing extraordinary. there’s five missed calls from jimin waiting to be answered. namjoon’s on their couch, visiting but not really talking. the color on taehyung’s bracelet has turned to yellow in the span of 10 hours, and hoseok’s about to lose it - the tears building inside of him, the fire, fury. he could almost feel the pre-explosion.
"calm down." yoongi says. "the sun won’t shine later if you don’t calm down."
yet yoongi’s there again, putting his hand on his shoulder.
hoseok’s trembling, his clenched fists have become so white from too much tightness. and yoongi holds him close, pats his head in slow rhythm as if he knows what’s it like there - inside hoseok’s body. “you see that color?” yoongi points to taehyung’s bracelet. hoseok hums a little as a response, moves himself closer to yoongi’s side. “yellow, yellow means he’s yielding right?” right, hoseok thinks to himself, repeats it again and again. yellow is a good thing. yellow is good. hoseok tells himself repetitively until yoongi’s soft pats lull him to an almost sleep. almost because hoseok usually never sleeps. not these days.
"it’s first of june today." hoseok whispers half an hour after. "it’s gonna be raining a lot soon."
yoongi hums. “that’s what happens.”
(june was the rainy season. june was when he shined less but that’s not really what he worries about. Not really, he doesn’t know how to put it to words.)
hoseok nods and looks at taehyung and jeongguk sleeping on the floor. they’re even smiling in their sleep. hoseok wants to make it stay that way. but that’s not the news said will happen. it will be maybe a little like what happened a year ago. or maybe more calm and reserved, maybe. hoseok hopes for the maybe.
"don’t worry, they’d do fine. a little rain wouldn’t hurt, and then a rainbow afterwards. that’s how the kids exist. they’ll do well so don’t worry." yoongi tells him as if he’s reading what’s on hoseok’s mind. hoseok is grateful that he doesn’t know how to say it.
(not that he hasn’t tried. he has, brought home vinyls of yoongi’s favorite songs, cooked yoongi’s favorite food, did his laundry. hoseok just couldn’t bring to say it out loud. and maybe, part of the reason why he can’t say it is because he thinks they’ll never be enough.)
yoongi taps him up to move, stretches his feet so he could feel them again. yoongi has always liked sleeping yet he still stayed up all night and much morning patting his head.
"then how about you?" hoseok asks looking at yoongi now attempting to stand up.
yoongi beams at him - the same one he has given hoseok for the past 16 years. beautiful and igniting. hoseok thinks yoongi’s the sun. his own sun.
"me?" yoongi asks although hoseok knows he doesn’t need to answer. "it’s easy. i’ll just be roaring like always."
like always. hoseok repeats in his mind. always. like a mantra. like it meant something more than a three syllable line. always.
soon the sun is shining bright again. the weather said today will be cloudy and hoseok wonders what jimin must have wanted to say that he’s calling. taehyung and jeongguk has moved back to their shared room and hoseok doesn’t think he’s disappointed. not at the least. maybe not today.
yoongi is sleeping on the couch or maybe just lying down and hoseok comes up to him, kisses him fast then smiles, the bright sun before them.
there are four seasons within a year. and each one with yoongi is what hoseok thinks lifts him up. it's the first day of june, almost the end of spring and the sun is with the one who hugs him.
it's a dystopian!au where there are cupids to match people's hearts and only 167 words allowed for every person to say each day. jimin is a cupid but it's not like cupids with arrows and stuff, he just matches people. jimin is seokjin's boyfriend. seokjin is jeongguk's brother. that's how they met. taehyung on the other hand was jimin's classmate since kindergarten. jimin pairs jeongguk up with taehyung because he knows the two are more similar than any other person in that world they live in. jimin can go to the archives library, can check anyone's archives. cupid perks. and that's when he figures.
just as how jeongguk and seokjin lost their parents without having told them they love them. taehyung lost his father after fighting with him. after telling him to fuck off. the last words he's ever said to his father before he got into an accident. they were both blamed by the people who knew what happened to their parents. people never really wanted to be with them, jeongguk's just got lucky because he had a brother who took all the care for him. taehyung on the other side didn't have anybody. his own mother blamed him for what happened. that's when jimin figured they both know how words weigh, how every word is important and how they'd fill each other because of that.
so jimin tells jeongguk he wants him to meet taehyung and the fic tells you how they fall in love.
taehyung's pink hair @9512979 - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
