987 Days.

After 987 days behind bars. Freedom!

[987days]

It doesn’t always get better, but it always gets different.

[anxietyproblem]

[987days]

So true, he is actually multiple islands.

[anxietyproblem]

[987days]

Agreed!

[987days]

This is not prison.

For the past couple of months I have been hearing people whinging and moaning about the “Lockdown” of the world due to Covid-19.  Many people have been saying, “this is like being in prison.”

Stop.

This is nothing like being in prison.  Well, there is one exception, you cannot go wherever you want whenever you want.  However there are a lot of things missing from this equation (Covid-19 <> Prison).  Let’s break it down and help you to figure out if you are in prison or in your house.  

Let’s begin by asking ourselves the following questions:

Can I take a shower alone?

Can I climb into my bed whenever I want?

Is there a refrigerator full of food that I can access whenever I want and stock with whatever culinary delights tickle my fancy?

Do I have unfettered Internet access?

Can I read whatever I want?

Can I go outside whenever I want, even if I can't go everywhere I want?

Do I have reasonable certainty that there are not people within earshot with sticks and pepper spray that can run into the room, strip me of my clothes and throw me into a closet?

If you have answered “Yes” to these questions, then guess what? You are not in prison.  There are a couple of questions that I thought I might include but didn’t because ... well.. the world can be a cruel place.  They are “Am I safe from physical and emotional harm?”  and “Is everyone around me sober and free from drugs, like bathsalts?”  Those two are iffy.  Unfortunately, I think this epoch in world history may be recorded as a particularly violent and inebriated time.

So, to reiterate, you are not in prison.  You are in a temporary quarantine due to a pandemic.  This will be pass. Maybe not as quickly or as painlessly as you want but it will pass.  

Enjoy your snacks and your Internet.

Of course, according the Zoo Hypothesis, the entire planet might be an alien prison.

[987days]

Parenting and Kids

I realize that I’m not a very good parent. I mean, I am a loving Dad. But I’m just not good at the “responsible” parent part. I would never hurt them, but sometimes I feel like a kid myself. I want to go outside and play, too. I am super-grateful to be able to spend time with my kids, but it is supervised by the county and they just gave me my first feedback. They told me not to ask the kids any questions. I was asking about a birthday party they went to and also about a vacation they were going to take in 6 months. The vacation was something that they told me about.

Look, I am super-curious. It is a trait that I've had my entire life and I find myself asking questions of people all the time. Sometimes, like in prison, it gets me into trouble. I’m not snitching or anything, I’m just really interested in people and their lives. I didn’t realize that I couldn’t do that to my kids. I think the people were worried that I was trying to gather intelligence on the kids’ mother. The truth is, I couldn’t care less what happens to her or her boyfriend. I’m just trying to live my life and stay out of the way.

I find it strange that I have to be supervised with my children at all. I mean, I have never hurt them and don’t want to hurt them. So I get to spend 90 supervised minutes with them a week.

A HUGE part of me just wants to walk away from all of this.

Probation, responsibility, kids.

I’m forced to live in a place I don’t want to live because of the legal system and choice I've made. But I've done my time.

Of course, being stuck where I am, in the free world, is not prison. Prison is prison.

[987days]

It’s not always fun.

I remember when I was locked up how fun the outside world was going to be.  There was going to be gambling and good food and sex.  It was going to be great.  After a year out, I’ve had some time to reflect and frankly, it’s a mess out here.  Look at the politics.  Look at the human rights abuses.  I’m NOT saying I want to go back to prison, but this is no picnic either.  I sometimes feel like I can’t make any progress and then I remember that there is no such thing as progress anyway.  It is all going to be taken away from you in the end.  I think I need to go for a walk.

I think that maybe when I am off “indefinite” probation aka probation for life, things will get better, but the truth is, there will be another carrot or a stick to keep me running on my own psychic treadmill.  Never enough.

[987days]

I made it. I have been out of prison for a year. It’s a wonderful and scary world out here. But it sure beats the alternative.

[987days]

Process

So it has been forever since I posted.  I have been free for almost a year now.  Things seem to be going pretty well.  No great, but pretty well.  It is all about baby steps.  No matter what though, I am happy just to be able to walk out of the house and go to 7-Eleven and get a Big Gulp.  It doesn’t take much to keep me happy these days. :) 

[987days]

It’s Weird.

I got the GPS monitor removed almost a week ago. Now I panic when I leave the house that I forgot the device. It’s like the thing infected my consciousness. I feel lonely, but don’t want to be around people.

[987days]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQI7eJlJs2c)

[987days]

This is hard.

I’m not going to lie.  This is hard.

I went from having a good job and all the trappings that entails, to having nothing.  And now, as a felon, it is really hard to rebuild my life.  People don’t want to hire me because of my record, ergo, it is hard to make money to pay child support.  

I had a job with a company for 3 weeks, which explains why I didn’t post.  I was working a real job making real money, and I was completely honest about my past.  They still let me go after my background report came back.  Boom. Just like that.  They were looking for an excuse to let me go ... I couldn’t go onto the client site, and so they found a tiny tiny misdemeanor from 1997, 22 years ago, and pretended it was about that.

The real problem was that I can’t travel because I’m wearing an GPS ankle monitor. Due to that I have to sleep in the halfway house where I am staying.  I can’t sleep in another state.  

This sucks. I’m not an idiot.  I still have skills, but the choices I’ve made in the past are hindering my future. Sometimes it all feels very bleak. Like “what’s the point”.  But the GPS will come off soon, unless I screw up, so I am just trying not to screw up. 

But it’s lonely.  I met a woman I really liked and we were about to be intimate and I had to explain what the anklet was.  Needless to say, I am still single.  Nothing kills the moment like explaining you are a felon on probation.

[987days]

Oryoki

Last night I went to oryoki at the leader of the zen group's home.  It seems a bit strange at first to have such a ritualized way of eating.  There are myriad details that you have to follow and it can get overwhelming.  But as you eat, slowly, you begin to sense how the food tastes and feels.  They movements are done with care and compassion, washing your bowls, folding the napkin, etc.

I had a moment at my job last week where I was actually present. I was doing a mindless task and trying to do it the best I could.  Anxieties and concerns fell away and I had a moment of peace from the relentless gossip in my mind.  

Seems like all you have to do is pay attention to what you are doing.

Sometimes it feels like I am on the wrong path.  I am trying to rebuild my “life”, get a job, pay my bills, etc.  When the true freedom lies not in having things, but in experiencing the present moment fully.

I leave you with a note from Charlotte Joko Beck:

Attention There's an old Zen story: a student said to Master Ichu, 'Please write for me something of great wisdom.'

Master Ichu picked up his brush and wrote one word: 'Attention.' The student said, 'Is that all?'

The master wrote, 'Attention. Attention.' The student became irritable. 'That doesn't seem profound or subtle to me.'

In response, Master Ichu wrote simply, 'Attention. Attention. Attention.' In frustration, the student demanded, 'What does this word attention mean?'

Master Ichu replied, 'Attention means attention.'

Source: Charlotte Joko Beck. 1993. Nothing special: Living Zen. New York: HarperCollins. 168.

[987days]

Moving on up.

So a lot has been going on since my last post on Thursday.  Yes, I was put on GPS, I already wrote about that. 

But two main things have happened since then:

I got a job, well two jobs.  I am going to start a job in the food service, baking, tomorrow… at 5:00 a.m.  The pay is meh, but the idea is to get a job to both appease probation and also to generate some sorely needed income.  I’m kind of excited to not work in the field that I had been in previously.  I am not going to make nearly what I made before, about 1/7 of my pre-prison salary, but one has to start somewhere. For this guy, it is going to be a bakery, in about 11 hours.

The other job was with a company that I worked with years ago.  It is a paid internship. I am grateful for the trust they have put in me and also for giving me a chance to start making money and getting  back into my field.  Of course, that is somewhat suspect, on my end, since I am a bit rusty having spent 3 years reading books and meditating.  So I will get to come into the job with fresh eyes, a beginner’s mind, as it were.

The other big thing that happened is that I  moved into an Oxford House.  I now have a “home”, at least for the next couple of months, all paid for thanks to a really great organization that helps people get back on their feet after being incarcerated.  

The first person has already been thrown out of the house for using drugs.  I’ve not even been here 6 hours.  But it was all very congenial and kind.  They didn’t take his stuff and throw it on the lawn, but gave him 40 minutes to pack his stuff and leave. Perhaps I can move from this smaller room into his room… I’ll go have a look.

So the Oxford House system works.   The house is a bit messy, but it is a nice place.  Certainly a nicer place than I could afford on my own.

Ok, now to bed and tomorrow I start new job one.

[987days]

WTF?!?

So I’ve been out of prison about a month, walking around doing my thing. Staying out of trouble. Doing some construction. And today they put me on a GPS monitor.

That is crazy.

IF I wanted to break the law, I would have done so while aI was NOT on GPS. I had an entire month to do so.

I don’t want to rant too much, because it makes me angry. But seriously? What person is going to wait a month and for GPS to be installed to do something illegal. This state is stupid.

[987days]

Tonight’s IMCW Meeting

Tonight’s Insight Meditation Community of Washington meeting was about resilience and starting over.  Great topics for me, as I’m like a newborn baby.  Well, I’m like a newborn baby with lousy credit.  I am completely starting over from scratch.  I have almost no actual “things”.  Aside from trying to catch up with the developments in my work from the past 987 days, I really don’t have that much going on, either. 

But I am starting over from scratch.  I am trying to delete all the crap I put on the Internet before I was locked up.  To try and erase the history of which I am so ashamed.  It will take time.  I can do a little bit each day.  Just like I can do a little bit of catching up with the state-of-the-art at work, a little at a time.

I still very wary when I leave the house, or see police, that they are coming for me, even though I am doing nothing wrong, nor do I have plans to do anything wrong.

But I can’t give up.  I just have to keep returning to the beginning, and starting anew, just like each time, while meditating that I return to the breath after every time I drift away with plans for the future, regrets from the past, or just fantasyland.

The key is to remember to be gentle with myself and take small steps everyday.  This will take time.  But as long as I’m not locked up, I can keep making adjustments in course to get where I want to be.

Where is that?

Good question.  I suppose living with a gentle heart, seeing my kids grow, supporting them and being a normal member of society.

[987days]

Feel the burn.

I realize from my days in prison, that you cannot run from pain.

You can’t take benzodiazepines or alcohol or shopping and use that to numb yourself.  Pain is necessary.  Pain is showing you what needs attention at this moment.  As I am getting more and more distracted by things on the outside world, I am still meditating and being still whenever I remember.  

I have to remind myself that iron turns to steel by fire and a sound beating.

I am alive.  I am grateful to be able to reconnect with people today, and I’m glad that I’m sober.  Even when it hurts.

[987days]

An uptick.

I did some work today, and got paid.

It was manual labor, installing sheetrock, breaking down boxes, cleaning the world’s heaviest shelves.  But I’m very grateful for the work and the trust that has been placed in me.  Also the money is nice, too.

I have had such bad experiences with headhunters who hear the F word.  No, the other F word.  Felon.  Then they run screaming for the hills.  It is the new scarlet A.   It does a great job of making you into a pariah.

Although I am sure that nobody will ever read this blog.  I just thought I would post the days happenings.  

I still can’t see my kids.

But I was remunerated for services even though I am a felon.

Geez, manual labor makes you tired!