Witcher Shitpost

main: wobblesworld

[darkverrmin]

Jaskier: ...Precious. Gorgeous. Beautiful. Unbelievably kind and soft. Brilliant. The bravest person I know. Deserving of so much love and affection. The love of my life.

Eskel: Right... Um, Jaskier, when I asked you "How's Geralt?", I meant the twisted ankle he got from training yesterday.

Jaskier: Oh! It's still a little sore, but he's ok!

Lambert, covering his ears: How do you unhear stuff? This is what you get for bringing a fucking bard into the keep.

[booksmartmione]

No one realizes that Geralt overhears. And since no one is around, he doesn't even try to hide the wide smile and light blush that he feels warming the tips of his ears.

Geralt then makes a point of asking Jaskier (at separate times, of course) how each of the other witchers of the keep is.

Eskel is walking past the main hall and hears the bard describe him as intelligent, kind, so incredibly patient, a complete sweetheart, a good man and deserving of all the good that life has to offer. Eskel brings a hand to his scarred cheek and his eyes open wide with surprise. He quickly hurries away from the hall.

Lambert is up in the rafters (and definitely not stuck, whatever Eskel might say) when Buttercup starts off about him. He can't believe it but that damned bard thinks he's... A fearsome kitten with claws, a brat with a heart of gold, and a loyal friend who deserves every happiness. He's rather torn between indignation and a warm emotion he could reluctantly name as affection. Lambert decides to play it safe and stays quiet until both have left.

Vesemir is "asleep" in the library, sprawled out in his chair by the fire when Geralt asks Jaskier how he is. He has to bite his lip to keep from making a sound when the kid says he's the father he's always wanted, a good, strong, wise leader who cares about his kids. Vesemir won't embarrass the kid by waking up now, but he gets mentally added to his list of pups.

No, none of the Witchers of the Keep let Jaskier know he was overheard, though he likely wouldn't mind. But come Spring, each of the Witchers knew they would die for the bard who sees the best in each of them.

[possessed-cryptid]

watcher being just about ready to hit 1 million subscribers on ryan bergara’s 30th birthday, november 26th, really has some wonderful potential huh

[possessed-cryptid]

3K TO GO!!

[possessed-cryptid]

2k to go! subscribe to watcher!

[boingo1994-deactivated20210426]

what the fuck

[the-aro-ace-arrow-ace]

i need to know more, go on

[ipotane]

okay the source im using is this article if ur curious

first of all, explaining the psychological warfare part:

“The Fools most extraordinary role, however, was their occasional use in war. It was a common sight when two armies were preparing for battle to see the jesters of the opposing leaders cavorting on foot or riding in front of the troops. These brave Fools would tell jokes and mock the enemy to raise their own army’s spirits- or provoke the enemy into a premature attack. For Fools had a psychological role in warfare. The night before a battle, they even acted as early wartime entertainers, diverting the soldier’s minds with songs and stories.”

now thats funny enough on its own, but it gets better

“However, the Fools were not just battlefield buffoons. For quite often, the leaders of armies would use their jesters to convey messages to the opposing side. Fools were used to carry the terms of surrender – or to deliver the conditions for the release of hostages. This role was a dangerous one. For although traditionally, messengers were sacred and therefore not to be harmed, it was not unusual for disgruntled war leaders to literally ‘shoot the messenger’ – right back at their army.

Any Fool unfortunate enough to carry a message that displeased the recipient could find themselves loaded into a trebuchet or catapult and shot back into their army by way of reply. If they were lucky, the enemy would have killed the fool beforehand, with only their severed head acting as a reply. However, if a war leader was particularly truculent, it was the intact and living fool who made his way, airborne, back across the battlefield.”

WHAT THE FUCK SBDSHGD

[the-aro-ace-arrow-ace]

I HAVE FOUND IT.

I HAVE FOUND MY DREAM JOB, LADS

[athelind]

[starts working on a Bard build that can survive a trebuchet launch] 

…

[…and landing. The landing is the most important part.]

…

[Jester rolls a 20, pulls off the Classic Three-Point Iron Man Landing. He raises his head dramatically. His bells jingle.]

[heroofthreefaces]

toss a bard to your witcher

[Image description: A cartoon in my MSPaint-based “triangle figure” style. Jaskier of The Witcher is rocketing to earth, Geralt is underneath him trying to catch him, and Yennefer is conjuring onto Geralt’s left hand an oversized baseball glove. End description.

[spielzeugkaiser]

Have I recently said that I love fem!jaskier? I read all your tags and they were glorious. Also: If Geralt can smell fear, or anger, or any emotion, he can smell hormon changes. ALSO HE’S THE MAN. Who buys tampons. Why the fuck not. AND, can you imagine anything happening to tiny feral Jaskier. Geralt is always protective of his bard, BUT. Lastly: He’s still a blushy boy about naked Jaskier. Doesn’t mean he is uncomfortable with it, because it is sexual, it really isn’t. But she trusts him so much and smiles so sweetly and he just can’t-

[frostedbasilisk]

~ sing a song to your witcher ~

[petitechez-theminion]

Geraskier reverse “Beauty and the Beast” au, where the Beauty is cursed and relies on the Beast to help break the curse.

(I’m not much of a digital painter nor am I a writer but I’m rather inspired to try something out of my comfort zone! I hope you guys like what I offer.)

A witch falls in love with Jaskier but is angered and becomes jealous when he sings for everyone and not just her. So she cursed him into a bluebird and tells him the only way to be free of this curse is if someone loves him enough to let him go, for all who listens to him sing will try to keep him for themselves.

Thus, Jaskier tries to escape his fate but keeps getting captured or stolen.

After one harrowing escape in which Jaskier ends up with clipped feathers and a broken wing, he manages to get away far enough only to collapse among a patch of dandelions.

That is how Geralt came across him.

Geralt immediately took the bird with him on his travels while tending the bird’s wounds. Jaskier marveled at the fact that Geralt does not keep him in a cage and allows the bluebird to perch wherever freely.

Geralt named the bluebird Dandelion and Jaskier is amused.

During his recuperation, Jaskier learns that he could understand the language of birds and the birds twittered to him that if he follows the migrating birds, they will lead him to a magical forest with a healing lake that can break the curse. Jaskier would watch the flying birds with longing and Geralt watches him watch the birds.

Jaskier also learns that Geralt is not favored by humans and Geralt himself prefers the company of animals (namely his horse and bluebird). Geralt tends to be silent in the company of men but spoke at great lengths to his animal companions and Jaskier took it to heart to accommodate. The bluebird would often sing in comfort whenever Geralt was shunned by humans or gotten injured. Even when Geralt’s skin grew eerily pale and his eyes drowned into an inky pool of black, Jaskier would sing to him.

Jaskier always manages to draw a smile from Geralt.

Then one day Geralt inspects Jaskier’s injuries and quietly declares the bluebird healed.

“ You may go, if that is your desire,” the witcher says softly, “ for I have seen you look to the sky and I do not wish to part you from your flying brothers.” 

Jaskier immediately took off, only glancing back to see Geralt staring down at his hands.

Following the migrating birds, Jaskier manages to find the healing lake in the magical forest and bathe in the waters to turn himself into a human again. Free of the curse, Jaskier returned to civilization and picked up where he left off.

Jaskier traveled across the lands and sang in every tavern, his eyes searching until one day he came across a familiar figure seating hidden in a corner of the room. With eyes transfixed, Jaskier approaches the person.

“ I love the way you just… sit in the corner and brood!”

[nobledemons]

“The last thing I need is someone needing me” “Yet, here we are.”

Charm design, Store link in bio.

[cas-kingdom]

THE WITCHER SEASON 2 BTS

Oml

[notebooks-and-laptops]

This is my favourite picture from Joey's Instagram account because not only is it adorable it gives me strong modern!AU vibes. Just:

Geralt has this picture printed out not just in his wallet, but in the tack room of the stables he keeps Roach at, on his bedside table and at his work.

It is his favourite picture.

If you ask him who the people are in the photo the surly scary man that is Geralt Rivia becomes and absolute puppy as he tells you all about his partners

It is also all the more so because it was taken early on in their relationship when Jaskier and Yenn were still at one anothers throats and he'd had to leave them alone together and was TERRFIED that one of them would turn up dead at the end of the night

but instead they drank all his wine and took cute selfies and sent them to him on instagram

They tease him about how much he loves the photo. He doesnt give a damn. According to him, it's the best goddamn photo in existence

[apocalyptic-cake-deactivated202]

Listen up!

You see a post like this? Where OP might hurt/kill themselves? You hit that button that I circled

Hit that.

Click Suicide or Self-harm Concern

Yes.

Fill in the rest of it, and hit submit. The "content you reported" will fill itself in

Tumblr will follow up and help them.

Warning: this is only for mobile. If anyone knows how to do this for desktop, please add it!

This could SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE.

YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE NOT TO REBLOG THIS.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF IT DOESN'T GO WITH YOUR BLOG'S THEME.

And yes, REBLOG. Liking does no shit at all. This isn't ig.

You reblog, people see it. You don't, people don't see it. This shit's that simple.

This could save someone's life. It's not a joke.

[witcher-and-his-bard-archive]

I’ve Got You

Geralt doesn’t think much about the trials anymore. Occasionally, someone will ask about his eyes or his hair and he’ll mention it in passing, but never long enough to consider what happened to him or think too deeply about it. It wouldn’t do anyone any good, least of all himself. So he pushes all those memories down and forcefully forgets about them, about the life he could have had, the boy he used to be.

But you can only push for so long before things start pushing back.

It’s been years since Kaer Morhen has known the screams of its students, so the break in the silence is heart-stopping. For Eskel, it’s a sound that’s all too familiar and it breaks his heart to hear it again after so many years.

He crawls out of bed, quickly adjusting to the dark of the room and crossing to the door. He’s made this trip more times than he can properly remember, but he doesn’t remember ever feeling this hopeless. Carefully, he pushes his door open, stepping out into the corridor and counting the doors like he used to. It’s a calming tactic Vesemir taught him years ago, but it works now as well as it did then.

Geralt’s door is the fourth down from his own and he pushes it open carefully, bracing himself against what he might find inside. He remembers going into Geralt’s room that first night and finding a shock of white hair on his pillow. He remembers how it felt under his fingers; still soft but completely devoid of colour. Just one more thing stolen from him by the trials.

Geralt is still asleep in his bed, sheets tangled around his legs. His face is pinched in discomfort.

Eskel forces down a burning anger that threatens to overtake him and crosses to sit on the edge of the bed. Geralt was always the softest of their group - of most of the boys who undertook the trials - it’s a wonder he’s as well-adjusted as he is. He reaches out, gently brushing his knuckles against Geralt’s cheek. He stirs but doesn’t wake up and Eskel leans over him, resting on his elbow. He curls his hand around Geralt’s arm, rubbing his thumb in soft, soothing circles and eventually, Geralt’s expression relaxes a little and he blinks up at him.

There’s a terrible fear in his eyes and Eskel’s chest tightens at the sight of it. It’s times like these that he understands Lambert’s fury. He wants to destroy them all, to tear apart anyone who had a hand in causing Geralt this pain. But of course, they’re all gone and just the four of them now remain, left to live with memories they’d sooner forget.

“It’s okay,” he breathes, settling down next to him, “just a dream.” Geralt’s hands are on him in an instant, curling in his shirt and tugging him close. Eskel goes easily, fitting himself up against Geralt’s chest and winding his arms around him.

“Hey,” he whispers as Geralt’s breath catches, “I’ve got you.” Geralt mumbles something that even Eskel can’t hear and shuffles closer to him.

After a while, he relaxes, but Eskel doesn’t let him go. He dips his head, pressing a kiss into Geralt’s matted hair and Geralt nuzzles against him, evidently drifting off again. It’s amazing to him how, after all these years and everything they put Geralt through, they never managed to take his softness.

“Geralt?” he asks and when all he gets is a muffled grumble in return, Eskel smiles softly against his hair and shuts his eyes. At least he can offer this. If he can’t take Geralt’s pain away from him, at least he can be here to soothe him when it returns.

[aranea-serket]

If you notice me reblogging

a repost

stolen art

false information

etc.

please let me know, you’re not rude or annoying and I actually do give a fuck and I will correct my mistake, thank you

[askullandbones]

I’m gonna reblog this here because I reblog a lot of art and sometimes I hesitate because I’m not sure if it’s a repost. But if you guys see me reblogging something that was reposted instead of the actual source, PLEASE LET ME KNOW so I can take it down.

[fishiest-fish]

This also applies if you see me reblog something from

A homophobe

A terf

A genuinely terrible person

I love being told that! I will gladly delete that reblog

[newtfins-deactivated20230103]

valid for ALL of my blogs yall, lmk

[its-elvis-innit]

YES.

Or if I just did something bad. Please tell me, I don’t want to come off as a twat.

[jostafar]

“It took a moment for Jaskier to understand what he wanted before he allowed Geralt to take hold of his right hand and pull it towards him, gently placing it on his chest, right on top of the medallion.”

i’ve been reading a lot of witcher fic recently and i had to illustrate one of my fave scenes from my new favorite, “Hibernating with Ghosts” by fayet!! if you like jaskier wintering at kaer morhen & wolf family content pls give it a read!

[frenchbaugettedeactivated-deact]

hey everyone

My mom said if I get 20,000 notes on a Tumblr post I could get a hedgehog...

Do you think it's possible for me to get my dream pet?

Please 👉👈🥺

[frenchbaugettedeactivated-deact]

Holy SHIT-

The amount of notes already

[frenchbaugettedeactivated-deact]

Goodnight everyone!

Were about 20% there so that's good :)

See you all tomorrow

[lackadaisical-lesbian]

@deanbean-soup @awkward-finger-guns @masterconstellation @heckinsnekboi

[smolanxiouscatvoid]

Let's do thissss

[darkverrmin]

Geralt: *gets arrested after arriving at the city, because he's a witcher*

Guard: Don't worry, the king's going to release you. He adores you. The arrest was just to calm the people down, they're a little scared of anything supernatural right now.

Geralt: Hmmm.

Guard: That's Jaskier, who you're traveling with, right? He's really famous around here. Heard he's very clever, sweet and sensitive.

Geralt: ...You may be right about the clever part. Maybe.

Guard: What, he isn't-

Jaskier, in the distance: LET ME THROUGH!

Guard2: I'm sorry, sir, we can't-

Jaskier: LET ME TALK TO MY WITCHER! I WANT TO SEE HE'S OKAY!

Guard2: We can't let you in there, you need to get arrested for tha- OWWW!

Guard 3: Alright, grab him.

Jaskier: *appears in front of Geralt and the guard, handcuffed and lead by two guards, one with a bloody nose*

Jaskier: *heart eyes* Geralt!

Geralt: *groans*

Guard: Did you just punch the guar- Did he just punch a king's guard, just to see you?

Geralt: Welcome to my life.

[darkverrmin]

And that I love you

That's one sassy bard.

[bamf-jaskier]

Some of my favorite questions from Lauren Hissrich’s impromptu Twitter Q&A session