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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@a-lou-ette
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I got such good concert tickets today I could throw up. Literally the fates aligned perfectly for me to be able to buy these tickets. They're supposed to go on sale tomorrow morning. But I saw Explosions facebook post just minutes after it was posted; it was one of the first to pop up at the top of my newsfeed after an automated refresh while I was at work, weighing samples and listening to Spotify. The post included links to the presale tickets and their respective passwords. WHAT. That band is literally the reason I am able to go see their own show. How fucking beautiful. They've been so dear to me for so long. I just checked again out of curiosity, and now the only pre-sales left are in the second level. Thank you, whatever/whoever made this happen for me. Literally still can't believe it. I had to write it down. It feels like I'm going to wake up any moment
Part of me is heart-broken I cannot attend Governor's Ball 2015. I love that music festival unconditionally. It has a tiny piece of my heart. But I will be in Guatemala and it will be a fantastic adventure.
I have my sights set on Lolla and Outside Lands. I'm starting to save now. Wandering. ஐ
I love the show Mad Men so much. When I finish watching it, I just don't know what I'm going to do with myself. It is so fucking good. I have grown to appreciate and 'know' each of the characters, and it is so well-scripted and smart and just ahhh. I haven't loved a show this much since I loved House.
It is strange to me how this show has existed up to now, midway through its seventh and final season, and I have never seen it. Sure I had heard of it, and I know people who had told me they love it, but I personally had never given it a shot until recently. It has been on the air since 2007. I was in middle school then. House had just finished its third season.
I am on the beginning of the fifth season and I just never want it to end.
<3 / </3
If one thing has consistently documented my life over the past few years, it has definitely been my last.fm. Silently hidden away, secretly archiving my personal listening history for so long. I love it. Of all the various social networks, this sole account has endured and outlasted them all. I wouldn't have it any other way. Gosh it just makes me so happy.
living boundlessly
"As the weeks wear on since Graham disappeared and her parents continue to hold out diminishing hope for her safe return, investigators still can't locate the athletic, upbeat and straight-A student, Charlottesville Police Chief Timothy Longo said at a news conference on Sept. 25."
As I read these words from a poorly crafted article in the "news" section of the (online) tabloid magazine People, I cannot help but think that Hannah Graham would have been disappointed by the choice of the three adjectives used to describe her. Athletic? Upbeat? The first, a superficial, vaguely positive affirmation of her appearance; and the latter, a synonym likely chosen from a child's thesaurus for "happy". Is this how Hannah would want to be remembered?
Though I certainly cannot claim to know Hannah, I have followed her case closely. Through this research, I have tried to understand her as a person: another human soul, kindred to mine. I was able to get to know a bit more about her through one of my friends here at school, who had gone to middle and high school with Hannah. I also (sadly was able to?) located a link to her Twitter from one of the numerous articles concerning her disappearance, and I spent some time reading through these thoughts she had shared with the public.
She strikes me as witty and so intelligent. Clever. Fiercely proud of her motherland England, a fellow Francophile, and a incredible Hoo. Athletic, yes, but also a lover of wine with her tv shows, a world-traveler, and an altruistic being who spent her spring break serving others. Upbeat, surely, but also equally subject to the less pleasant trivialities of being human (remembering only one earring), and to the tiny successes (like scoring free guac). An avid learner who does the right thing, but also a youth who enjoys partying with friends just as much as the next college student. Passionate, a tactful spit-fire who loves ardently.
I tried not to use any conjugated verbs in the above paragraph, as sadly no one on this earth knows which tense to use for Hannah Graham, save perhaps one detained suspect. The savage injustice with which this resonates within me cannot be tempered. It is too abysmal to think that perhaps a mind so conscientious and enamored with learning as hers -- a soul so desirous of sheer existence -- could be darkened in an instant. Too dreadful to think how such a force of life could be reduced to three such adjectives. How could something so senseless occur?
What is perhaps most sickening is that this could happen to anyone. In an instant, all that you know could cease to exist due to the moral depravity of another human being. I cannot tell you the number of times I have walked home alone drunk or heard of another girl (or anyone) doing the same. Moments before, something that was so innocent and commonplace has gone horribly awry. No warning. No second chances.
Wherever Hannah may be, she undoubtedly lives beyond the confines of three such transparent adjectives. I surely hope and know that she will continue to inspire others to do the same.
It feels like my heart is breaking in two. I can feel the sickening, bottomless dread that accompanies my shriveled atria, slowly peeling away from weary ventricles like desiccated wallpaper in the ruins of a once prominent estate.
I look at the tiny icon of this long forgotten yet seldom used space for my inner thoughts. I can no longer recall the day which the photo of those feet, mine two own, was taken. However, the soft touch of sweet Southern grass to their soles, brushing the skin the way a murmured whisper tickles the cusp of an ear, resonates strongly within my memory.
can't study, can't study.
They shortened our study period from one week/two weekends to the Friday after Slope Day and one weekend. It is so cruel, especially because my first final is this Monday in organic chem. I haven't really started studying yet. I feel kind of feel overwhelmed, but in a good, "full" way. I usually work best under pressure.
But yesterday, M. got an internship with Merrill Lynch, so we are officially set for our wild urban summer. I am so unbelievably happy for him wow. He was so worried and stressed about not finding a position in time, and then this sort of fell into his lap and is an unbelievably amazing internship, the kind that business-types covet here. "International Wealth Management Advisor, Senior VP Wealth Management". That was the official role/title of the man with whom he had his phone interview.
Life feels so real now. I feel as if day by day I am growing farther and farther away from the youthful, infinite naïvety of my teenage years, and closer toward the material world of real obligations. It's always puzzled me how my heart has been captured by someone who aspires to work in an industry toward which I feel I am morally opposed. Conflicts alike this are why I now feel so much older. Dealing with phrases like "international wealth management" and interning for New York Presbyterian can be simultaneously exciting and yet incredibly daunting. "International wealth management" - part of the opaque apparatus orchestrated by unseen forces of unimaginable power and wealth that continually push to broaden the gap between the rich and the poor, the haves and the have-nots. Moral quandaries such as these can be soulfully draining.
I've already started making a little list of things I'd love to do in the city this summer. Nothing outlandish or expensive, just simple things like "go to Central Park" (I've still never been), "the Bronx Zoo", the free HBO summer film festival Monday nights in Bryant Park, etc. Thinking of what lies ahead is surely going to be what gets me through these next two weeks.
Aujourd'hui j'ai dû présenter un discours français de dix minutes. C'était un peu difficile, mais pour la plupart je suis très fière quand je pense à ce que j'apprenais depuis j'avais commencé à étudier le français. Maintenant je dois étudier le calcul à cause du fait que j'ai un examen le lendemain soir.
But I really don't want to. The only thing keeping me motivated is knowing that on Friday morning, I'll be taking a bus to the city to fly to my favorite city in the world.
I have decided that my dream job is to be a nurse anesthetist or neonatal CNS at Cedar Sinai. I'll make it there someday as long I remain healthy, fit, and sane, of this I am confident.
Life is such a marvelous adventure. Though it may be silly to fear the inevitable, something that truly terrifies me more than anything else is death. I yearn to see absolutely everything, I really do. I am so easily fascinated by life, people, things around me, and I have yet to decide if this is good or bad. Am I naïve, or is it that I have yet to become jaded to the nuances of everything (people, language, culture, music, and so on) that make life intriguing? Perhaps both.
I'm rambling as means of procrastination and the mishmash of this jumble of words is only growing as a type.
Goodnight, and good luck.
Sometimes the cold and all of the snow grows to be so monotonous and wearisome. What keeps me motivated is knowing that in a month or so, I'll be basking in the sunshine on the beaches of Los Angeles. Then two or so weeks after that, we'll be headed back to L.A. to get rowdy celebrating 'murica at Stagecoach and going to a wedding in San Diego. Then it's we'll be city-bound for urban summer adventures, losing ourselves to the stained pavement of the concrete jungle and the feeling of blossoming into young professionals. Warmth, the Governor's Ball, apartment living, shadowing real physicians, endless opportunities for adventure -- the antithesis of boredom. I just have to keep moving.
Push through, push on, push forward. La neige fondra bientôt.
Well, here I am again. But not quite? The sole goal of this blog is to maintain near complete anonymity. However, if you can guess (or know) who I am, then I humbly congratulate you.
Laying in bed with M. We're happy that we are participating in Cyber Monday, given that we went to the mall on Friday but returned empty-handed. It was still fun though as I had never been Black Friday shopping. So much hustle and bustle. I quite loved seeing all of the holiday decorations, given that my extremely politically correct university doesn't decorate at all for the holidays. This act of non-decoration is completely understandable, except for the lamentable fact that our more often than not snow-covered campus would look absolutely gorgeous were it decorated with wreaths, lights, etc.
We're sitting in contented silence, listening to the Alt-J station on Pandora. I'm absolutely loving the choices played tonight, and I'm glad M. is happily listening as well. He's not necessarily the biggest fan of the alt/indie rock genre.
Meh I'll fix this layout tomorrow.
I just want to write. I just want to (re)find my muse.