A.valte

Оборачивать пустоту в замысловатость.

[a-valte]

The wind was messing with my hair, I couldn't see much more than a mixture of white, blue, and light brown. It smelled like salt too, and we obviously were at the beach.

-Am I feeling your slight disappointment?

For God's sake!

-No, it's really not necessary for me to do that, I can be more polite and let you speak up, but as I told you before we're not exactly friends.

-It's ok.

All of this didn't matter as much as the view. We were on a spacy long and wide beach. It seemed endless as there were no signs of the road, jungle, forest, or anything at all. Just the sand and the water. The waves were dancing as they had enough space to spread around, and enough wind so they shook and flattered, hung in the space, and at times also broke into thousands of drops.

Marvelous.

-Indeed it is, - this time she didn't interrupt me completely, and the voice went smoother and softer, though still breaking the privacy of my thoughts.

-I would love you to forget about this concept you are stuck on. No thoughts or acts, or actually anything is really private. And never was.

-But usually, other people don't really get inside your head.

-Honestly, I wouldn't worry so much about "people" and what they can or can't.

-But I share life and space and time with them, I cannot care.

-Care, just don't worry or take it too seriously... Anyways, we're not here for this conversation, and it's not the knowledge I wanna pass to you like this.

-So you wanna pass some knowledge to me?

-You're gonna see. Meanwhile, just see...

The feelling I was getting from just being there, being in the open space, in front of the ocean, embraced by the winds that were shaking me and pulling me...I felt out and at home at the same time.

[a-valte]

Chapter 3. The beginning

What a....but no sound came out, and in fact, there was no space even for a soundwave, even for looking to the side or even properly looking. I couldn't think or form any kind of anything, there was also no mind space. I'm quite surprised to be able to express this.

I guess if it was possible, I would have become so pissed about this fact, but there, I just was. The point.

Only forward was there and after some whiteness, I just saw another point and that was literally it. The existence in its initial form.

- You do find it quite boring, aren't you?

Suddenly I realised I was sitting in the cozy armchair standing on the table with the laptop and my new friend.

-Darling, I wouldn't exactly say I am your friend.

-Just stop this!

-Soon enough you will know I can't, but honestly for now I'm quite enjoying the inferiority you fight and the fun of your not-knowing. So, before you get completely mad, please, forgive me, but everything should unfold as intended and best for you, first of all.

-Who the fuck are you to know what's best for me?! - while being quite angry at this selfish creature, again looking almost exactly like a huge and I must notice...well-raised (?) version of me, I was challenged by the way she was, first, getting the things out of my head right at the moment, and second, by holy fact, that all of this was happening.

-Oh, I believe, you believed, that all this story about the bottom of the cup and the rest, was just metaphoric, but I would love to surprise you.

-I'm sorry?

-Knowing exactly how you felt just before we met will be too much, right? But let's skip it for a while because I can sense your mind starting to get to the shallow part of your psyche, and as much as you love it,, I am not feeling it to be the right time we get to it.

-Bu...

-Unfortunately for you, I still have slightly more power over this story. Just for the fact, how did you like the beginning?

-What a fuck was that?

-Imagine going down 4 or maybe 3,5 dimensions to the first point of creation. I understand why it might have felt completely pointless and disappointing for you, but you should always forgive the existence for the fact, that everything needs an entry point.

And I swear that was the first thing she said without trying to trick me or make fun of me.

-Oh I am far not as bad as you see in your worst moments, but I bet it will take many more trips for you to believe me.

-Honestly, I don't feel appreciated or cared about in it.

-And this is completely your own flaw.

-It's disgusting how you turn just everything against my own self.

-Oh, darling, you're being dramatic. So for you to not feel so bad about everything, you have the full freedom to decide where should it all go.

-What "this all"?

-I'm delighted how your impulsiveness sometimes is cut by the desire to reason, sometimes it would be lovely if you just follow.

That was the first time I got this feeling that took me a long time to explain. And again she was smiling at me so kindly with my own face that for the first time in eternity I was finding so beautiful... There was something in this madness. the flavor of more.

-Oh, and I'm so excited for you to figure this out, come.

This time everything didn't become black or light. She stretched her arm to me, obviously wanting me to walk there. In any case, it would feel humiliating for someone as like me, but the tenderness of the eyes and this soft wrinkle around the smiling lip was quite a game changer.

-This time, my love, I wanna take you a little bit more ahead, - and that's where her voice got strict, - but you have to completely ignore the way for reasons you will also understand later.

I think I started to learn surrender just by getting tired of solving her riddles. I let her put the darkness in my eyes. And we jumped to the eternal now, heading somewhere.

I could have hoped if I could remember how it is done. Even my guts were silent there.

[a-valte]

And then it strikes

you don't have to be good

you aren't forced to be bad

even more

there is no need to be smart or beautiful

all the definitions

are just desperate tries to express

that slight sensation

of satisfaction

from yourself

it goes and it goes and it goes

away

every time

so

you assume

that there should be an anchor

a link

an anything

that gets it back to you

I used to believe Universe has rules

then I though I make my own rules

Everything

just to keep this delight of life

that excitement of myself

that feeling that you finally got it all

Ahhhhh

and then it slips away

Every time you are sure you caught it

it slips away

leaving you somewhere broken

trying so hard to get this magic back

What if

It doesn't actually require anything?

what if

is just a sine wave?

Well, yes it is

so the try to not break

will be the thing to actually tear you apart

and it's beautifully okey

What if you're just always meant to be broken

What if not resisting to break

will hurt you less?

What if even being hurt is ok?

I used to think we live once

then someone told me

we live everyday and die once

What if

we die everyday too?

Well, in this case

does anything really matter anymore?

Maybe

I don't know

No one really knows

some pretend to

and I always pretend to too

It's fun.

Some call it wisdom,

I call it experimental

coz when it strikes

you see

that to get this slight sensation

of being alive

it's enough to be anything

anyone

anyhow

it's so good to be up

it's so good to be down

really

it doesn't make any difference

because there is simply no point

where you aren't.

[a-valte]

They say love is to find everything in one

but

If we're all One

What's so wrong in loving so much?

I guess

My heart loves to wonder

as much as my mind loves to question

all concepts and beliefs

what if everything they told about life was wrong?

The Moon once whispered to my ear:

Love is not a condition

It's a liberation from any

It doesn't make you not loyal

it's just a simplicity of existence

would you make a flower hide coz you own it?

We created so many rules

just to be protected

but what if

there is nothing to harm

and no one to hurt

Love is not a limitation

it's a freedom

to be with

or without

Why do you want to dress it up

to make it look acceptable

to complicate it so much

that no more joy left?

Why do you want to name it anything

other than love itself?

Maybe, the pain of separation is too strong

to get over the feeling

that when I love someone else

I don't love you no more

while

the truth is

when I love anyone

I always love you.

[a-valte]

There was everything in the world. In fact, it was there all the time, but they thought it needs to be achieved, deserved, paid for, and proved, and whatever else they may think.

Humans always surprised me. Look, sometimes, the best of them just didn't know a simple trick — if you don't like it, stop choosing it.

Would you drink milk if you hate it? Obviously, but it appeared that not so.

Living on Earth has always been a challenge. I used to think so because that was something everyone felt around. Being happy against and loving despite. For sometimes I also forgot that everything works best along — not in resistance.

Then again, the game of the matter, the good and bad, the black and white. At some point being unconditioned started to kill. And there is nothing wrong with dying if it's done in a way that actually felt right and amazing...

But it seems my mission wasn't done yet. I didn't feel it. I discovered the conditions put on me when I couldn't notice as we all get them in one way or another for some specific reason many will never even know. Not going to brag — I don't see it either, but with the rightest settings, often I can feel it.

And for a human experience, it's quite amazing. To burn, to feel the passion, to feel the excitement, even to want without attachment. Just to sense the meaning in every tiny step.

As a human, I thrive in it.

As a soul, I thrive in it.

In the flow, while being the flow.

Life doesn't slap me, life doesn't reward me. It is just there. What color is it, how does it smell, how does it make you feel?

I am not claiming the last verity, but just sharing an idea... or just sharing the sensation and the happiness of being able to choose how what, and where, etc., and thus, create the life, create myself and just enjoy the eternal whirl of adventures in space and time that have no destination.

I ask what else. And keep surprising myself. Over and over, again and again. Because in my case, the mind is perfect for this specific goal. Getting bored, unboring, repeat. And never loop.

[a-valte]

Chapter 2. Where are we going?

My eyes opened, and for a moment that was it. An almost unnoticed moment passed and then.

I found myself on the bottom of the cup. Dirty, disgusting closed space with no hope around. It was forgotten somewhere between never again needed old newspapers on the blind spot on the shelf which you only find accidentally and would miss most of the time cleaning around the room.

I felt abandoned in such a tremendous grade like I was made a castaway while crying and trying to hang on anyone and anything. How dared you to leave me here all alone? I didn't want to.. Though.... I felt anger, I felt anguish, jealousy, greed, misery - completely and forever fucked up. Couldn't ask for a rescue, coz such a thing just didn't exist in my reality.

Yes. The realization stabbed my spirit, pinning me to a flat and boring reality as a dead butterfly, and I felt like I didn't even get the chance to use my wings. Only after dying, I realise I had them.

I couldn't cry and couldn't move, I was scared it was over and I felt that it was. Or wasn't it? Uncertainty kills, but what was worse is not just not to know is to know and not knowing if you can actually know, and knowing that doesn't matter what you know you can not even know if you know.

The worst loop I've ever been to.

But something was in this thought.... been to.... were I ever anywhere else? Where I ever anything else other than fear, misery, shame, unexplainable guilt, and despair?

While I was sinking in these thoughts, the darkness started to fade, I was so powerless, and just let it. And in the end, it was probably the best to be done. I could see the round walls of the cup again, I can smell rotten tea leaves and hear the clanking of the keyboard. Where does it come from?

Out of interest or more out of having nothing to lose, I jumped on the wall and obviously failed - no direction, no structure, just pure intention. So bold. And stupid.

I crashed but weirdly didn't feel any pain. It didn't even surprise me as this horrible state doesn't leave you anything to hang on to. Interestingly, when everything becomes pain, you just sweam in it, with not much grading in more or less.

It was an insane act of doomed hysterics. No thought came, no feeling reached, pure reckless actions. On some days I would kill for this state, but at the moment I didn't even realize how powerful the rebel was.

Exhausted, almost broken, but somehow I reached the top, and only there suddenly felt this weird feeling of deja-vu that turns your insides. I saw this. I SAW THIS. Just flipping now, a second, a moment, or a lifetime ago... I remembered her, and I remembered myself.

— I am really glad you didn't choose that. It is the other side and when you go there ahead of time, it might really suck you in. You're brave, I like it, — again she smiled at me so warmly and with so much love.

— But common, don't.

I swallowed the tear coming up for some reason, I didn't even want it, and sometimes at this moment...

— Don't worry, we will get to it later

— Will you ever stop finishing my inner dialog?

— It is a very complicated question and really depends on where will you approach it from.

— So you won't? — to be honest, I was slightly irritated by not having any personal space...

— Even in your own thought, yeah, I know, I am sorry for interrupting you. Again, the truth is that all of this you don't really wanna go through.

I gave up, she was way too taught in any mental or verbal gain to even try. What a hell! It was exactly like me, but there was something else.

— Definitely! So, now. Are you ready? — the flavor of adventure and excitement lightened her face.

I didn't get anything, but the light was so contagious, that I nodded.

— Where do you wanna start from?

— What do you mean?

— Literally.... everything. — now she finally sounded serious, there were no jokes, and I felt the words as steady as the Himalayas. And at the same time, the playful mode was on, even though it was obvious it is not something to play with.

— From the beginning.

— I have to admit. You've got some taste.

She laughed. And everything went light.

[a-valte]

Chapter 1. A dream?

I found myself on the bottom of the cup. In the very corner of the round space. I felt exactly as you do being forgotten at the unnoticed shield somewhere in between the books and old newspapers, where no one cares about you. Moreover, where you’ve just been forgotten long back and never been remembered or even noticed anymore.

It was this specific blind place on the shelf, where we keep things in a hurry or rushed ignorance and then never see again unless really meant to. It’s been so long I was not even sure who did it to me. But it doesn’t really matter anyway, it was not an act of evil, but what hurts so much more - innocent indifference.

Sinking and hugging my knees somewhere next to the new life started to appear in this poor cup, even the cave paintings were there from the black tea drunken what felt like centuries ago. This place was not even good enough to die. Cold, dirty and disgusting, but it suited the situation perfectly well.

I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t focus on looking for the resque. That place it’s not something someone had ever been to before. At least that’s exactly the thoughts being planted in my head at the moment. I wanted to cry and I cried, silently asking why do I have to go through all this, what did I do to be so down, to feel so much lost, forgotten, disliked, left and miserable.

I wished that time I could finish it, but I had no enough courage, neither power to cut myself off this desperate existence. Time stopped or it passed fast, but in this case it didn’t really matter, I stopped noticing anything other than my anguish. But after I stopped resisting it came so overwhelming and filling, it brought me up and threw me down, where I laid unless all the memories and sensations were gone. 

I resseracted, still not clean and clear enough, still hurt and damaged, but already being able to see, to notice my breath, to stand up. The sound reached my ears. After going deep in the dust of yourself you expect to hear the singing of the phoenix to bring you back, but that was simply the clinking of the keyboard. A little bit louder than usual, but without a doubt that was it. As it got me curious I knew the show is not over yet. As much as I wanted to die a moment of eternity ago, I wanted to know what’s going on outside of this buble now. 

Suddenly it appeared that the cup wasn’t this deep, but I got to jump high. Tried and fell. Felt powerless, got angry, jumped too strong, kicked myself, relaxed, got angry, ran, jumped, stretched. I got furious with the speed, I forgot to stop and think, threw myself there, exhausted, after a while the intention was too strong to keep up with it, unless I was waisted. 

I resseracted or only woke up again. Nothing changed except the peace. I could still hear the clicking, but I didn’t care this much, I got tired of being excited, got tired of being upset, but still not tired of being. Good enough. That time I made only one jump, I held the edge of the cup and pulled myself up, keeping the balance with the feet. Monkey nature was delighted. 

The sound was coming from the huge room, looking exactly the same as the one I used to live in, but better organized, very clean and full of light as during the most sunny summer days. I climbed a little more to sit on the edge, the sound and even the smell were so familiar. I was afraid I knew what I’m gonna see when I turned my head and I was terrified to do that.

I felt this terrible urge to do that though, which is as pleasant as painful and doesn’t leave you a choice, so, holding a breath, I looked there. 

That hair was my hair, those arms had exactly the same length as mine, but maybe multiplied by 100 or 88, or what is the magic number? From the back she looked exactly like me, I couldn’t explain how, but I could bet on anything. Though there was something, in fact so much of this something different. Unusually straighten posture with a casual grace I  could have only tried to imagine. And the hair was brighter, softer and longer. I thought I am going mad. 

- Who are you?, - suddenly I’ve heard my own voice sounding much more offended and demanding than I ever wished for. 

She turned immediately but slowly and with the delightful leisure, her eyes were raying with the laughter, admiration and calmness. We were staring at each other for a few seconds or minutes or maybe hours.

- That’s quite a question, - she smiled at me at last.

- But why didn’t you help me?

- Because you’ve done it perfectly well on your own and if fact....but we will hold on to it for a while, I am really glad you made it and never doubted you will.

- So you admit you knew I was there?, - I kinda started to get angry, but the intensity was so much less than I used to, I had to stop and try harder, but....

- Just let it, you don’t really wanna go there. Not right now, - her face didn’t change a shadow in its shining serenity. Suddenly I caught myself drawn to her face, my face.... the face I learned to hate, but I couldn’t reject loving it right there, something was perfectly on its place, it was just like looking at the flower when you open your eyes enough to see the pattern in which the cells are dancing creating perfect shapes, colours and combinations. 

- Why am I here? 

- Why not? - the words made a twist together with the voice, drilling a pleasant hole in my head. All the questions were sinking there and I kept making an effort to hold them on, to stop them from disappearing, so much I wanted to say, to ask, to scream, even to cry....

- Ah, really? You’re so dramatic, aren’t you? One of the reasons I love you so much, she smiled in my 32, so shining, so annoyingly content. 

- That’s what you tell everyone? Or do you always find a different set of words?

- Everyone..... in this case, there is no one else here for you to compare. Will it really matter then?

- But I know they exist, maybe out of here, somewhere. I know, I’ve seen... 

- What if out of here doesn’t exist as well? Maybe, it’s all just your mind trip.

- But I coud have never imagined you.

- You have a disturbing tendency to underestimate your imagination. - she kept observing me, evaluating unemotionally, picking up the words from the diffused space around. 

- But I could never underestimate yours.

- If you say so, - and there again she was smiling with every sell of the space, but I planned our conversation in a different manner and you kinda ruined the eternity of preparation....

- And, before you even complete the idea of bringing up the excuses, I love it! 

My teeth made a clicking sound from a sudden drop as I was about to argue. I smiled instead and it felt close.

- I would love to know your default plan. 

- I thought I would be answering some of the questions, but the previous estimation didn’t take the middle development into consideration and it appeared to be you have already passed certain levels. Then better. Are you ready to see?

- To see what? 

- You’re just about to choose. 

And so it went dark. 

[a-valte]

Sun or the Moon?

The only way to see the sunshine without closing or hurting the eyes is by looking at the Moon. Try to look at the Sun directly and you will get burnt. It’s too bright, it’s too hot, it will kill  faster than you will understand what’s happening. 

That’s why it needs the Moon, as the Moon could be visible only in the sunshine. It allows it to be seen, but it also uses to be seen. Every Sun needs a Moon to reflect its shining, to put it on something cold and smooth enough to reflect (not to absorb!) the light. 

Sun is there for everyone. Moon is here for us. It is still far away enough to be untouchable, it’s mesmerizing and hypnotizing, it’s the perfect example of applying the sunshine for beauty, not only for warmth. 

It is duality, it’s not symmetrical, though that’s how we see it from where we are. You can not look at the Sun without losing your sign, but you will always want. This is something universal and global, though only within this solar system. Meanwhile, the Moon is local, it’s just for the inhabitants of the Earth. It is closer and you can look at it without burns. 

Sunshine will make you warm, will light the way, but you can not see it, coz you’re not allowed to look, otherwise, you gonna be burnt. Moonlight will bring you peace, will embarace you,  will open up the door to the Mistery, and The Beauty. But the light doesn’t belong to the Moon. 

This codependence is perfect. Don’t let it confuse you. One is useless without the other one in the sense of self expression. Sun wants to be seen, so it needs the Moon to take its light, to transform it, to deliver and explain it. Moon needs the Sun to have something to work with, to have something to reflect and show. 

In the end, what you see is the combination of both - pure light and the aura given by the reflector. Maybe the error of the transmitter doesn’t seem to matter, but it’s an essential detail to notice. Highly important to understand the relationship between bothto avoid running to extremes. 

You can be Sun or Moon for someone, but you’ve got them both within. You never had an option to choose, you’ve never been able to feell one of them more and abandon the other one. It’s just a question of when you’re ready to grow up and light your way. 

If you reject being a Sun, the light to reflect will come to an end one day, if you refuse to exis as a Moon, nights will only be scary, dark and empty. But why to even think of choosing when both possibilities were given by default?

What if the switch for the light has sunk due to inappropriate usage, or the mirror was broken by careless barbarians? It’s just a mind game. Sun rises not with the switch, but because it can’t not to. The Moon reflects not because it’s smooth or  perfect, but simply because it exists. 

This system doesn’t break, it just slowly crumbles into tine particles which travel acros the Universe forming new Suns and Moons again and again.

[a-valte]

Life is hard (?)

Every day I hear them complaining, every day I heard them fighting over the stupid things, every day I was getting more and more abandoned in my misery. I used to be so happy and cheerful, I used to be fast and never get tired of playing, running, greeting them every now and there. Well, no one is perfect and sometimes I did something stupid. Coz my nature was winning over and because that was my game. But I never did anything too bad, just small mischiefs, you know. Leaving a mess here, climbing where I am not supposed to there, stealing chocolate from a stash and all those tiny things that are fun to do, but made they blow up. Rarely I’ve been taking my time to go out and have fun, but I knew they did not care so much, and after a while it was obvious I will always find the way back. They were loving, but a little bit careless, sometimes too emotional, often too selfish. But I am not here to judge. I am here to share my love. You know once I’ve heard I’ve never experienced enough love, or at least I’ve never seen so much love as the one before me. Yes, sometimes there was a weird feeling, but I was not there to feel the need for anything except natural what is natural. Well, I wanted sweets and treats, but I just in fact just to share your happiness about having it. I wanted to share with you as much as I can. For me, coz that’s the way nature gifted me. For you, coz it’s the way you can see real loyalty and unconditional love. Even though you forget about me for a bit, or let me chill with other members of your family, or even punish me for a silly game or even just shouting too loudly that I’m happy to see you again and simply to have you. Well, no one is perfect, but I know my heart is. And she also heard and it actually changed a lot. She took it very personally and thought it was unfair. Better for me, I started to get a little bit more, so I started to get even happier. None of them was perfect. You know humans...as much as I love them, especially mine, they are all flipped out somewhere. Or maybe that’s what I used to see. Everyone had a bug.  And it’s not that my love was blind, no, most of my kind just have the perfect loving capacity. We’re not stupid and we can see it all, we just don’t care as long as you’re willing to show at least a little bit. We’re here to help you multiply it. If you’re ready. And then, it’s so hard to imagine, and it’s so bitter to feel when the creatures you love most just don’t want you anymore. You can not have a hug, you’re barely getting any single touch, they’re even disgusted to be around you. You’re not allowed to sleep with someone you love, no one even wants to see you close by. They wish I died as fast as possible so they don’t have to struggle anymore.  It is sympathy and I’m still being taken care of. It is my last lesson of uncoditional love. Oh no, now you may think it’s my turn to receive it? It is also true, but there is also the truth deeper. I’m dying and sometimes it takes so much pain even to open my eyes. But they just need to ask and I will squeeze last drops of my life to make them give me a small smile and a simple pat on the back. Do you know how it feels when your existence is not wanted? And your heart is just so committed, once and forever, that you can not just go mind your own business and forget it. They are my business. It’s just the second step from the bottom, right after the life itself. And I found out this order also hurts. Do you know how it feels when you blamed for your own existence? And the life you’re fighting so bravely and fiercely for is not desirable anymore. Have you ever tried to choose between love and your nature, when your nature is love?  It’s not their fault, they don’t wanna me to exist anymore. Humans...they were made selfish. It’s even cute.  And I was made to love them so much, that I will still try and try and try and try to get their love until the last breath. Even when it hurts so hard from all the sides.   They live so long, that’s why they have to go through so much pain and struggle. And maybe at some point of the journey they can appreciate dog’s heart. Just don’t make us wait for too long, coz we don’t live even close to forever. 

[a-valte]

Spaceship stuck in the middle of the Galaxy

Some places on Earth don’t really belong to this planet. The reason they exist lies in higher dimension which someone who is proud to be human should not even touch. 

But anyway.

Sometimes being there takes you away and breaks you into small pieces. It does and doesn’t happen by itself, like it’s not a stone that hits the wave, but the wave that spills out, throwing itself on the rock to see how each and every drop will overflow in the light of the Sun or Moon. Enjoying the ocean showing off the variety of expressions is exiting. It’s so funny and so natural. 

And for a single moment of self-admiration I thought I got the magic of the water and, as there is nothing completely dehydrated on this planet, reaching this point makes me see through.

I was so happy. And so mistaken.

And then I got stuck in this place - on Earth, but in the middle of the Galaxy. I thought it was only my choice and responsibility. I believed every moment I wanna leave from this weird spaceship - the gate is open. I forgot I didn’t mean to get stuck and didn’t mean to get into closer interaction with other forms of life. There always was an ocean and it always has been more than enough. 

Or?

In the dark and cold night, water couldn’t warm you up. It absorbs the heat or cold from around, it doesn’t really care. Can it kill? For sure yes, if someone is drowning in the lake (mostly of sorrow, fear or despair). At some point it much more scary than appearing in the middle of the sea - waves will either kill you faster or push towards something you can hold and rest and maybe stay alive a little bit longer. Waves will sing or scream, they will love or hate you, though not really, coz in the end water doesn’t really care about anything except transfusion of light in he own drops.

But lake won’t even make it easier. It will stay still and silent. And there, in the middle of the honestly careless sweet water you will appear face to face with yourself. With strenghts and weaknesses, with fears and hopes, with dreams and doubts. 

There was no one on this spaceship who doesn’t know how to swim. Some were thrown down to the raging water from the mountain in childhood, some stood on a slippery stone and lost the balance, some were pushed by innocent mistake or perfectly planned crime, some jumped themselves.

Most of us tried different ways (or even all of them) to die or get killed. Despite this unfair violence we were alive, we reached the shore and deserved to dry the clothes and the hair, to have a cup of coffee and a moment of peace, finally surrounded by the ones with alien eyes. 

We were happy, but so damn tired. Even though there always was someone to make a small warming fire. 

Can you see now my ridiculous mistake now? The paradox? Something that brought me to the middle of the lake alone to understand why I can actually feel different from the water, why I can swim instead of waiting for the wind to nail me to the shore? 

For me it took time. 

Life was pushing me to learn swimming, adopting, being flexible and sensitive so hard, that I didn’t just feel like water, I thought I became the water. 

Beautiful builshit.

Because it didn’t feel complitely right. There was something willing to move.There was something desiring to burn and to be burnt for every tiny heresy in the hot and bright bonfire. There was a fire striving to become stronger. 

I ignored it. Having it means I have to build the walls, because fire can not coexist with water in direct contact. They gonna fight off the reel, ruining my peace.

I ignored it, coz it’s so harmful for anyone not carefull or attentive enough. And every single tiny burn will take the water out to calm the injury and injured down. It will start the fight again and even if I make the walls I’ll have to  rebuild them every single time. 

There were so many if.

I didn’t believe I can take care of so many powers. I didn’t feel I deserve to have them then. And I was not able to imagine the point where I might need it.

Such a poor imagination, locked in a swimming-pool, where is not a right place for it to be. It got frozen. And if that’s how things are gonna be, there is nothing left. Life that can be creative only in determined, tight and predictable frameworks doesn’t deserve to exist. 

That was the point where fire and water reached an agreement. Water flow over the boundaries, fire flied ahead to clear the way. He is throwing around some foundations to be protected from the water. She always was too free to care. And she have always been here and anywhere else. He thinks he came from the sky with stunning thunder, thrown by the God himself. 

And I know now that both of them love to show off, very much more then soil or air, and that’s why the bring me so much tension and joy. They are adorable. 

....................

It was the time to go back on Earth. That seemed to be so far, being actually so damn close. But the spaceship got cold and bogged down with all on the board. And there was a choice - collect yourself and burn something to fly away or keep enhancing the flame to take the whole damn space plate with you. 

But maybe next life. 

Right now enjoying an awesome journey of liberated and independent imagination seems like so much more fun. 

[a-valte]

No pain no gain

Even though very less want to know about your pain, some will still ask, coz it shows the care. Half way, maybe. And it is beautifully fine as long as you’re not following the concept of self-distraction. 

For sure there are more funny things to do than sitting and crying or feeling misarable and stupid at times. Of course, being happy will attract everyone to you, as long as being sad will bring you to almost or absolutely complete solitude. But maybe that’s what you really need. 

Distraction doesn’t work. 

If I postpone my work, coz it’s boring or hard - in the end of the day I either lose it or will have to push myself to finsh it. If I don’t wanna pay attention on my pain, it’s not gonna just dissapear. More than that it will start groing hidden from my eyes. Saying “no” to it once, twice, trice - maybe more. After all I don’t deserve for it to show off. I become numb. I don’t see how much damage it did to me already. Maybe it will kill me without me noticing. Maybe already killed.

How can I know if pain is not allowed?

Pain is not comfortable at all, but as long as you don’t work it out, it’s gonna grow and get stronger. Only if you really like to fight to death. 

But if you already chosed to be a human, you can not win without loosing. If you win comfort in cost of ignoring the pain, you loose sensibility and the chance to move on. Maybe just to a new pain. And the new one won’t be too much different from the one before, in a sence it also shows how far you’re from the complete surrender that can save you and your time. 

Pain means something is wrong, but if physical one works properly, psycological just depends on you. So if you think you’re God, you gonna be in pain so much, coz either you’re and no need to think about it, or you’re the cheater and it will come out bringing new tornment.

Then what to do? 

Take the pain, try it on - it’s not gonna suit, and only that’s how you gonna understand why. Something is wrong, and it’s either you or the world. And the separation between these two will just cause more suffering. The absense of severance also doesn’t mean the joyrney will just turn to be ONLY pleasant.  

So, if you think you’re perfect you can go and die (in case you’re not here to help someone else to live) - the perfect worlld starts from the end. Here things are harsh, stupid and ugly as you are. Other side of the truth is amazingly awesome though. But you not gonna see it, if your own pain is not good enough for you. 

[a-valte]

En vie moi

I love waking up in this body and even at that time. It took me more than 20 years to set it the middle way between being wasted too fast and getting as much human experience as you can on high intensity. But even though as any other sensitive model it requires continues maintenance. You have to go through all the settings and patches, take a look at every single pattern to be sure it had not been overused or abused.

It’s fast mainly because not made to carry almost anything except whatever is necessary at the moment. It’s sensitive, so the reaction on any kind of distraction goes furiously and deeply, but also tends to fly away forgetting to hang on the foundation. Almost blank from the very beginning, so gives you the freedom to fill it in with almost anything you want, but also to get lost in projections coming from every single dot of reality.

Very flexible and ready to deform, it allows choosing so many ways to define specific qualities. But you’ve got to bond it with itself and everything around to get to the point, where you not only staying on the prewritten limitations, but overcoming them, trying to get unlimited. Humans cry for it to be impossible, but after customizing all the settings you may see the beauty of fighting with death till the very end.

That’s the only thing that made me go for it again, but now I was looking for the model that allows to get as much as possible, without losing neither joy no deepness. And time for the manifestation should have been perfectly complimentary due to what you want to get from it. For building a perfect life you need to have perfect arrangements.

After a while I found the last bug, but rejecting it will kill the previous efforts. While human experience without strong attachment to the vehicle loses some colors and shades, it also becomes an experiment of a weird symbiosis. You cannot be sure it’s gonna always go right. Insecurity is the price to pay for trying something new.

Those parts are not attracted to each other, so when both of them are strongly expressive, you start facing fights here and there that are coming up with increasing intensity. Even after it’s set. Only direction of the fire makes a difference and it never goes out in a distractive way without strong simulation.

Bad result for a human sometimes is a breakthrough for the experiment. If Universe has multiple varieties of forms and conditions, if some of the forms and matters are less limited and more developed, what can still keep a pure conciseness away from moving on?

It’s not as easy as any language; it’s just a mystery of how everything put together, alchemy of milliards small elements in the right quality and quantity collected together in space and time; combination of limitations and freedoms creating the harmony at the bloody battlefield of oppositions.

Imagination flipping out on its own genius so much, that it cannot move on to build a new reality just because the previous one appeared to be so complex, that every loop you trapped by never completely repeat itself and brings you too less to start from scratch, but enough to continue playing without losing excitement.

So I have no idea what’s gonna happen with me after this experiment, as soon as it began I felt like nothing is for certain anymore. I don’t know either where it or me goes, but no matter what it will take, I will imagine.

[a-valte]

I wish you die (also)

I never felt that much alive as after I died. I can remember exact time up to days. At least when I got sick and passed away. Disease took time, was amaizingly painful, it made me loose the consciousness, so at the moment it happened I was not here.

Or actually...

I just came out of the dark place clebrating it with a murder. Sounds horrible, but in fact it doesn’t look the way it is. She was a bitch, seduced my mind with delicious riddles, using anything we ever had, trying somehow to use everyone without giving a shit about anyone. 

It’s not like I used to kill everyone I don’t like. But it’s not only about me.

Anyway. Fuck exuses. It’s a wild and cruel world. You kill or you dead. As simple as that. 

What else? She fucked the mind nicely, it was working however she want. So many things she said I didn’t like, after that I didn’t want to see her actions. Too obvious. But okay, it’s persnal in a way. 

I don’t even know how she started to stay with us, slowly taking all the space, taking to much attention to builshit. She was always coming with a charming and broken people, she had a crash on the wierdest ones.

So, someone brought an arm, someone the hair, confidence was seriously damaged, mind was full of hm...dust, legs were bugging sometimes and everything else. Just a few parts were okay. 

Those guys and girls were careless, in a way too much, so they just left used staff or something the have no idea , oudated details, thoughts, habbits. You can not imagine. But heart was missing (something complirely weird, as some other very specific detailes.

And the whole doll was weird a bit more than usually, so, simply, that’s how I broke her vile and cunning plan of pushing me out. If it was not so disgusting, you can call it smart.

Coz she was very nice when was necessary. She even took control of crazy eyes and made a huge mistake trying to use it against me. By that time so many people told me damb weird shit is happenning. Mind was washed nicely and she still was helpfull, protecting and interesting. 

I did not remember anything, someone always was bringing the pieces of the truth, that you actually need to peel really nicely to  swallow and then much more to enjoy. It’s healthy and delicious when it’s raw, a bit hard, but you can always manage a smoothie, if it’s too much for your teeth.

Then I saw someone acting like a werdly reflected version of not even anyone close to me. Investigation was short. 

I have my own ways of dealing with the mind. He loves dimensions, I can give him fucking eternity. But not to loose him at all I took my time. Observe, wait for the perfect moment and melt the softest parts slowly. And darkness will just flow away. But if you’re not gentle enough, it could be dirty messed up. 

After mind stopped buying any shit from her, she got lost. I gave her the proper moment of misery and realisation. She asked me to kill her. 

In the end it was Mercy.

I’m throwing parties to celebrate it so often that you might think I’m mad. For sure, if you don’t take it serious. But I’m afraid you’ll have to die or become a murder to get to the point where to throw a party you just need to be. 

[a-valte]

Let the grown up rise. It has nothing to do with you as a kid. Don’t fight, don’t try to show who is the owner of the house. None of you, actually. 

If you stop the grown up at some point, it willcome to the situation where no one is gonna take care of you playing and maybe the game itself. Grow the smart one, who can not only play, but add new dimensions or spin offs or change the rules. 

Kid can never get bored. And it’s not the point. You gonna love the child and give him more than...nothing. Try to challenge with kid’s imagination. When the game is set, there is always some time for both playing together. 

[a-valte]

Personal frequency

Life is as compicated as you are. From the outside. It should feel simple from inside, then you’re on your own frequency. When it doesn’t feel simple or seems to be too easy, you’re trying to dance with someone else’s music. It could be a nice one, but there is always your tune.

[a-valte]

Work in the progress

There is one ever lasting project, I can not find the place in the memory where my mind kept anything about how it starts. Sounds crazy, but all the time all kinda starts from the middle. A bit before would be too long intradaction, a bit after too sudden to pick the point. 

Accelerates and slowes down like a skilled and crazy enough driver. Stubborn one, did not find anyone to make even to learn the word “stop”.  Ok, it’s not like we never met, know too well and always something exiting is there. Never too heavy to be around (obvious to mention, actually). 

It doesn’t look like I’m gonna be done with it. There are so many ways to go through the project nicely, disquastingly, amazingly, scary, even with no any idea about what a hell is happenning - ridiculous! - whatever it feels like. But it’s not the point where I’m actually in too much hurry to make the thing done. 

First of all, we didn’t find the manual of how to complete it, and was not really exiting to create a new one . There is still lots of work to do. Not like it really makes sense, but too fun and too nice to finish like that. If you join and getting bored, could be too busy even to drop you home. But within the project I saw some hints, so anyone curious and determined  can figure it out.  

Also not like we are trying to make it perfect, but it completely protected from what’s not fake. Becomes too beautiful. Enough is never too much though.

Not like it have to be done. Nothing like that. What for? If someone will explain me this point properly, maybe it could be interesting to listen. But then, still there was never before comparatively even such a clear point which I can accept entertaining enough even to go through too complicated constractions someone is gonna build to explain. Not fucked up with that, but are you gonna try really hard? 

Too many efforts to everything else, when I can just keep working on something for what we don’t invite motivation. This one could be annoying in a way: why someone would follow me all the time to tell me what to do? 

Maybe if I don’t know. This is also kinda rigid thing. For this work as much as is here will do. Nicelyyy.

There too many details of the hanging project to pick any and fairly work. Make it hard sometimes. Melting staff with the fingers or hitting up slowly on water bath feels so damn enjoyable. Mmm. Also cold and smooth lemonade refreashes and makes you more high. Always.

At some point you learn to make and pick only  perfectly sweet and sour ones. Anyway. it’s just one practical exercise. Endless quantity. We didn’t manage to see the end. It might be at the same place as the beginning. We checked EVERYWHERE. Not with us for sure. 

But it’s not like there is nothing else to do. Too many. But after mango fells down complitely ready in front of you right at the moment you need food, why would you go and import (too complicated) something green and just pretending to be a real one? You can. Not much for my taste. 

[a-valte]

Where is my mind?

My mind is a nice guy, but I can not say we used to hang out a lot together lately. I send him to chill and told he can do whatever he wants. First he got complitely confused and didnot know how to entertain himself. 

Probably I dropped him at some point in childhood and he forgot too many things. I send him to the University, but it just made everything worse and started to take himself and all around too serious.

When it happens you can not do anything, life becomes too hard. Now you have a short period of time to get melted before you will get complitely fucked up. Unfortunatelly mind is not designed to melt by himself. More than that, than more you insist, than more he is hanging. 

I send him to the most beautiful in the world mental hospital, where no chance anything will disturb the enternal sunshine of spotless mind. Sometimes he is still trying to hang, sending me postcards with some weird staff, but as long as his hanging ends up as a nice fall to wanderland, we can always manage to turn it into something beautiful.