Late Night Ventings @a-vent-place - Tumblr Blog

I have no idea what is going on with my sexuality anymore but at least i know the queer label got me

Contemplating going back to lesbian

Maybe i was just so fucking horny and desperate i figured i would fuck anything regardless of attraction

Is that what horny does to people???

God i hate this why did i have to develop sexual attraction that makes shit like a million times harder

Damn ig im not lesbian then

I'd peg a dude

I'd fuck bottoms regardless of gender i think

I'll just stick with the queer label

I hate ed twitter so much.

Here i am at 4:30 in the morning and i have to get up in 3 hours but instead im crying because i saw a tiktok about a gorgeous gal who got put on some bullshit fatspo post on twitter and went to roast the account and instead got super upset seeing all the meanspo/fatspo posts :)

Fuck me i guess

I finished therapy last week.

When i was taking a shower I stared into space and laughed. It was a surprising realization that hadn't fully registered.

I'm not sad.

The thoughts I used to have barely if ever plague me. I can't remember the last time I said I wanted to commit suicide, even as a haha funny joke.

I want to live. I have plans. I'm excited. I'm looking forward to my future. I have more hope than 14-18 year old me would have thought possible.

I love my job. I love my coworkers. I love my friends. Even on my bad days, I love myself.

My life isn't perfect. God no. I know there will be ups and downs and I'll probably post about them but I figured I'd write this down somewhere. I'm happy.

#vent

God the greatest thing about being quarentined has to be the slow decline of my health and body image!!! Can't wait for my quarentine glow up where i end up being anorexic!!!

I don't think I'm panromantic... I think I'm actually homoromantic. It's weird having to change the term I've called myself by for the past 5 years. I told my friend and he said he's known for a while, almost as long as he's known me. He didnt know how to bring it up. It's funny knowing that it was obvious to those around me but not me.

I can't stand it anymore. I cant take hearing him no matter where I am in this godforsaken house. I just want quiet. I just want my dad. I never want to hear his voice again. I swear on my life there will be a day I won't ever have to hear his voice again. I'll be happy and with people who love me and I'll never see him again.

Why didnt it hurt when she broke up with me? Why didnt I cry or feel upset? Why did i immediately start to fill the void with another potential relationship? Did I ever care about her? I figured we wouldn't get married but I liked being with her. But if I liked her why didnt it bug me? Why was I so eager to get into a new relationship? Do I feel? Why are my emotions so weird? I never cry at things I'm supposed to cry at, funerals or breakups or people I know being hurt. It never feels like it hurts. Why am I like this?

Lmao within 2 hours of getting broken up with I downloaded all my dating apps again and revamped my profiles guess I'm a hoe

Alright okay didn't think I'd have to deal with a breakup text but I guess we're doing that now. And she said I'd have to be the one to break her 🖤

I teased her this morning. While she talked to her mom I kissed her, kissed her neck. I heard her struggle to sound calm, it was so gratifying. To hear her sharp breaths, to be on top of her and see her wanting me so badly.

We talked last night while the car was off, talked about our doubts, our thoughts and worries for us, I feel so free to be honest with her. I never want to feel like I have to hide my feelings, I never feel like my likes and thoughts are cringy or stupid, she regards me with value, with respect. I love her for it. It took so much of me to not tell her I love her. This morning I heard those words echoing in my head so many times, whenever I held her I wanted to whisper it. But is it too early? That's the one thing I dont bring up, with how much I want to say I love her. How she calmed me when the car broke down, how she holds my hand, how she lays her head on me, all these things she does that make me melt for her inside, everytime I think I'm done falling, she does something to me and suddenly my feet aren't on solid ground, and I fall again. I see silver moons in her eyes.

God I'm so gay. I'm laying in bed right now and I have to control my breathing. Just thinking of having Her next to me is exhilarating. I want to see her and feel her. I want to have her presence with me, even if we dont say anything in particular. Last time I was with her she laid her head in my lap and I just played with my phone. And even then, my phone gave me little interest, I felt so full and complete just being able to hear her breathing, feel her body against mine. I never wanted the moment to end. I wanted time to stand still for us. For it to be sunset forever, with her relaxing into my arms and me holding her safe and warm. To sync my breathing with hers, deep and slow. To have her feel comfortable enough to fall asleep with me. Everytime I see a couple I imagine Her. I bite my lip and I remember Her. I want to be sexy for her, to be sensual. To be desired by her. I want to feel her hunger for my touch. I want to tease her with kisses, I want to lay in a huge bed with her for a whole day, nowhere to be except with her.

I started work this week, I'm excited. I met a new friend, a couple probably. Everyone was so nice, I felt so easily slotted in. Life is going so good for me lately. My soul feels lighter than any other moment in this year. I slept over at Her house. We watched the nightmare before christmas and lilo and stitch. Other than my stupid cyst that kept bugging me, it was perfect. She was perfect, her family was so much but they're good people. I'm excited to be a part of it, part of her life, and I want her in mine. I want to have her sleep over maybe this weekend or next, depending on work. We'll have snacks and she'll meet the cats and we'll do something nice with my dad. I'm excited for the day where we can both say i love you. For now I'm perfectly happy as we are, and the moments i get to hold her and have her. The questions we ask each other and the things i get to learn about her.

We kissed last night. Laying in her bed and I held her close, exactly how I pictured it. I kissed her neck, traced her jaw with my finger, held her against my chest. I loved it. I didnt want to leave, I wanted to stay all night exactly how we were but I had to leave. Safe to say the second date went well lol. I'm scared to move quickly but I want to be with her so much. It feels so different from the other one, more natural and comfortable, I dont have to feel tense with her. I feel so sexy with her. I could stare into her eyes for hours, time barely felt like it was passing. I loved hearing her breath catch when I kissed her neck, loved hearing the sounds that came from her, she was so gorgeous in those moments.

This might be my first happy vent but like.

I love my girlfriend???

God I keep reading love suggestion posts and I can't help but want to be with her

Like I want to cuddle with her, our legs intertwined as I just hold her close.

Gentle kisses on her face, her forehead, her neck, the corner of her lips.

Watch her lay next to me, chest rising and falling.

Noticing the tiny details of her, her eyelashes, the small textures of her face, the silhouette of her.

I want to hold her in my arms, to my chest. My chin atop her head, curled around her in protection.

She's so radiant...

I want her so badly in this moment.

❤

Can't believe I still lie to myself as if I stopped wanting to die

Life kicks you in the fucking guts and then you die and the only thing that keeps you going is the small moments of your life where you can crack out a fucking smile so that fact that I always have to cater my personality towards others is just a truth of the universe I cant seem to escape. Its ALWAYS my fault and I am ALWAYS the one that has to apologize and grovel. If I wanted to be an asshole it would be so easy but I have something called a conscience that fucks things up most of the time. I do things for reasons that make sense to ME and just because they DON'T MAKE SENSE TO YOU DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM WRONG. I AM NIT THE NEUROTYPICAL PERSON YOU THINK I AM BUT EXPLAINING THAT MY BRAIN ISNT HARDWIRED THE SAME WAY AS YOU WOULD JUST BE SEEN AS AN EXCUSE WOULDNT IT?? BECAUSE ONE PERSON'S ISSUES TAKE PRECEDENCE OVER ANOTHER'S RIGHT?? If you want to block and be a CHILD then go right fucking ahead. But don't guilt the fuck out of me with "our friendship" BITCH WHAT. WHAT FRIENDSHIP. I KNEW ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT YOU. HOW MUCH FRIENDSHIP DID YOU PROVIDE TO ME?? BECAUSE IT SEEMS I WAS THE ONE BEING A BETTER FRIEND. DRIVING 20 MINUTES OUT OF MY WAY TO INCLUDE YOU IN GET TOGETHERS, OFFERING TO SPEND MONEY TO UBER DOWN TO THE HOSPITAL YOU WERE AT SO YOU DIDNT HAVE TO BE ALONE. TRYING MY HARDEST TO TALK TO YOU SO YOU DIDNT THINK I FLAKED ON YOU. AND WHAT DID YOU DO. YOU MADE SOME HA HA FUNNY JOKES ONCE IN A WHILE AND THEN COMPLAINED ABOUT THE ABSOLUTE PETTIEST SHIT I'VE SAID OVER TEXT AND THEN BLOCKED ME BECAUSE YOU DIDNT HAVE THE FUCKING BALLS TO SAY IT TO MY FACE LIKE A FUCKING COWARD. If you weren't so fucking bored by your shitty ass sheltered life you would realize how fuckibg stupid some of the shit you say is. Getting mad over bread? Really? You're one step lower than me on the ladder of privilege but that doesn't make everything you say correct.

#stupid vent #vent

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