It's Personal

An over thinker and believes that it's complicated but it's not really that complicated.

[a-vulnerable-writer]

this use to be a dump for my thoughts when i was going through a difficult time specifically young love heart break crushes to my first serious long term relationship never really exposing more than that possible friendship breakups here and there but nothing to deep but at least at the time it was where i felt the heaviest and saddest. i use to journal heavy and i want to come back to that maybe not as sad maybe not as deep but maybe in a different perspective. i may write sad things here and there but i also may write concepts or thoughts that appear in mind..

thanks for being here.

[a-vulnerable-writer]

i remember when i use to sneak out the house to go see you. We would sit and talk in your car for hours complete innocence. Never anything more. Just enjoying each others company. At the time I wasn’t craving anything more. I wanted things to keep going just like this. You picking me up in your car blasting music as we drove through the streets of our small suburban town. What it felt like to feel free. The wind blowing my hair as youre smiling down the road. Going through a drive thru ordering the randomest amounts of food and sitting late at night at a park talking about what we loved. What we hoped for. What the world had in store for us. I remember sitting on the stairs of the playground and you at the bench I wanted to be closer to you. Yet it was better if we were apart. Laughing and shushing one another to not wake the neighborhood. we were on top of the world then. at least it felt like it.

[a-vulnerable-writer]

dont talk to me like that

dont talk to me like im difficult to love

dont talk to me with that connotation

dont talk to me as if im asking for something hard..

im just asking you to love me

to reassure me

i wanted you to tell me that “that” would never happen. i wanted you to tell me that you love me. that you want me.

i didnt like your reaction.

it made me feel like i was too much

and that i did it again..i screwed up. my brain screwed things up and im not worth being loved. cause i dont think i am. you fed into that thought. i didnt know that reassurance was you begging...i didnt like that you said that. you said youd prove it to me that consists of me trusting to fall for you, you loving me, and the in between that made me feel like you lied. you said youd reassure me if my brain went funny...instead you made me feel bad.

but when its vice versa i try my best to reassure you yes its been harder because thats not fair...you dont wanna prove you love me but i have to? you dont wanna beg but i have to beg you to see that i love you and only want you...i have to beg for you to be there...thats not fair.

i dont like it.

[a-vulnerable-writer]

How I Wish To Be Loved

In a different view or in a different perspective what would I do?

Maybe I would find my biggest sweater or biggest shirt since she 

loves oversized things

Make sure that it has my scent so when she wears it she knows that I’m there.

Then maybe write a letter, how much I love her, what I love about her.

Her smile, her laugh, her thoughts. Everything. 

I would tell her how much I want her.

Cause it’s more important for her to know that she’s wanted rather than needed.

I would make time even if that justifies my own position.

Shows her how important she is to me. 

Even if it’s just for an extra hour or two. Just to be with her.

In her presence.

If I had the fixed bracelet I’d give her that..but if not if we run into a little trinket store

And she finds a cute piece. Maybe I’ll just buy that instead.

When I give her these things I imagine her eyes will smile first before she actually does.

You give her a hug and a kiss on the top of her head

And you tell her i love you

She’ll respond with a thank you.

You’ll wonder why she said thank you instead of i love you but realize later that the thank you was more important for her end.

She reads your letter in front of you, she tries to hide a smile but her cheeks turn red.

She looks up at you and kisses you on your cheek and says I love you.

You give her a hug and she looks up at you.

You lift her chin and kiss her and tell her again that you love her.

She leans in again softly.

You give her a gentle kiss, slowly.

Cause that’s what she deserves a gentle, slow, warm love.

She puts her head on your chest.

She’s home. 

You wrap your arms around her 

Not too tight 

But not too loose.

Just enough for her to feel you there.

You sway back and forth 

She looks up at you again. You look at her.

She goes up to kiss you with more emphasis.

As each slow kiss goes, the more fast each kiss gets.

Not losing the gentleness.

Not losing the warmth.

Allowing her to feel safe, embraced, and simply loved

As you slowly give her all your love.

[a-vulnerable-writer]

do you still love me..?

why have you been so distant.

why do you feel so far?

why do i feel like you’re slowly fading away from me...

i don’t want you to go

i don’t know what to do

please don’t go.

please don’t leave.

i miss you. i miss you. i miss you.

i’ll do better.

i’ll try harder.

im scared..why can’t i feel you here anymore.

please stay...

[a-vulnerable-writer]

I feel overwhelmed. A bit suffocated. Every time that I breathe I feel my chest tighten. My shoulders get shifted. And everything just feels so constricted. I don’t like it and I don’t enjoy it. My head feels heavy and I feel like i’m slowly getting my consistent migraines back. I find myself being sad over nothing yet everything at the same time. I keep trying to snap out of it but the more I try the more I feel like the more I get tied down. When I try to think about what’s wrong nothing necessarily makes sense. I feel like I make things too easy. Then I regret it later. I feel like I lack self respect of myself and non chalant of how I am and the things that occur to me. As if every bad thing that has happened to me in my life is something that I deserve. I believe that I shouldn’t be treated well. I believe that I am not worthy of good things. So when those things arrive my brain is confused. It’s used to the consistent chaos and recklessness rather than compassion and love. I don’t understand the concept of comfort being received rather than being given. I am uncertain of certain actions, I read into intentions to closely. I become excited before something even began. The more that I get knocked down or disappointed by my own actions the more that things seem to impossible. In a lack of bettter terms it becomes too difficult. Where I shut down and shutting down is just as bad as exploding but I’m not sure which one is worse. To destroy my thoughts in small outbursts or to let it destroy me instead.

[a-vulnerable-writer]

update

i’m dating again. it’s weird but in a good way. I’m overwhelmed with many different thoughts and possibilities. I’ve noticed a negative direction with my thoughts and I can’t really steer it back into positivity at the moment but it’s okay. It’s getting a little bad but I’m trying to acknowledge the thought and letting it go. I’m trying to be open but it isn’t the easiest cause whenever I feel like talking I end up not saying anything. I beat myself up really hard today and I didn’t necessarily liked it my brain got so fried to the point where I hurt myself by accident. I noticed that I keep doing things to psych myself out so that I won’t even try before anything starts. I feel really lost. Like as I was sorting my thoughts out I realize that I forgot about me and maybe that’s narcissistic. or selfish. But I genuinely forgot to take care of myself and my own thoughts I’ve been so consumed with those around me trying to be perfect for them that I completely lost sight of my own priorities and responsibilities. And that isn’t anyone’s fault but mine. It just sucks when you finally snap out of an episode how much of the reality hits and how your emotions are so fucked that you kind of wish you were numb again. But you can’t zone out because if you zone out there’s no guarantee of how far you’ll space out. It’s just kind of hard to let all this out with someone new especially if you’re still trying to process with the fact that you’re life isn’t necessarily kind . Sometimes things are easier said than done and if I could do so many things I would and I know there’s a saying if they wanted to they would and I want to and I would I just don’t think it’ll be at the highest potential it needs to be. I want to fall in love without a fear and I want to feel like i’m enough for myself. I wish I knew how others saw me and that I could believe it. I wish I could just trust again. I want to be able to trust myself, and those around me. I want to be able to dive into things the way that I use to. I miss the parts of me that made me who I am and not ripped away through broken things that can’t be fixed. I haven’t trusted my judgement in so long and I wish that I could just trust it. I just wanna be able to fall.

[a-vulnerable-writer]

HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FEEL TOWARDS YOU.

[a-vulnerable-writer]

i don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t know if i have the right to be upset. I don’t know how to feel about it. Why am i fixating on it. Why do i care? why does it bug me. Fuck.

[a-vulnerable-writer]

trying to fall into love.

i love you i do. i have never been into someone the way that i am with you. you make me do things out of my character in a good way and i just constantly feel like im on my toes and i love it. but i’ve been trying and pushing so hard to reach certain points and i just need it to slow down. i know we’re already going really slow but i feel myself pushing and i’m sorry but im tired...i am still healing and i am still learning and i am hoping so strongly that you will be patient. because i want you. i want to be with you by my side. but i can’t lose myself and that’s on me and that’s my fault. and i’m sorry its just really difficult to just fall into love. i still flinch as you get closer to me. when your hand reaches my face. i am still unlearning toxic habits that happened before. i felt so nervous and i couldn’t communicate it to you yesterday and it shouldn’t be like that. i love you i do i just need time and i feel like rushed and i feel bad that i do i just hope you can be patient...while i’m still trying to fall into love.

[a-vulnerable-writer]

i dont know why i got fixated on the past and im sorry. i do sometimes wonder why you stayed. why did we stop being friends. i wonder if i did something wrong but i think these are insecurities that i have as a friend. it happened so long ago so why am i even thinking about it. i forgave you..right..? ahhhh idk. fuck.

[a-vulnerable-writer]

i dont know what to do. do i give up. do i try. why did i forgive you after everything. why am i fixating. ahh what am i doing. i dont know anymore. why did you leave. why did you go. what did i do...what did i do.

[a-vulnerable-writer]

i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. I wish i could send that.

[a-vulnerable-writer]

im honestly just writing everything i wish i could tell you right now. i want to tell you about what ive been trying to do and what is up with me and why i cant date and why youre the reason i cant. when i think of getting close and going to the next thing you dawn on me and i still fucking want you. no one else and it’s irritating because we cant. were friends. we worked so hard to get this far and now i just i...i really dont know what to do a part of me feels like i have to move on this isnt gonna happen but a part of me wants to tell you how i feel so badly but what does that fix. who does that help. what does that do. i dont know what to do and i wish i could talk to you about it but i cant because ITS YOU. its not complicated telling you how i feel is not complicated. im just scared. im scared of not being able to talk to you at all. im scared of losing you. im scared of not having you around. im scared that we will eventually become strangers and i can never go back. loving you isnt hard but...figuring this out isnt easy either.

[a-vulnerable-writer]

i love you and i am scared for the day that i lose you..

[a-vulnerable-writer]

Why do you always disappear once things are good. Did i fuck up? Did i do something? Did i say something? I don’t get it. I like you I do but I also really like us as friends I don’t want to fuck that up so please explain to me why the fuck you’ve been so distant when I finally make that decision to stay friends. There are so many things I want to tell you and catch up with you on. I want to talk to you about everything and nothing at the same time. Besides me having this really stupid complicated crush thing that I have yet to tell you about...i do miss you stupid. So please come back and be my best friend again because I miss you. I feel like whenever you start to feel something you leave and if that is the case...you don’t have to run...i’ll always be here and i’m always gonna want you around so i don’t know. If you feel something take the leap because maybe possibly I do like you too. But it’s fine friends first but seriously please come back soon i miss you..

[a-vulnerable-writer]

i wish i could talk to you. its been roughly a year and more now and when i start to spiral you are still one of the first ones to cross my mind to come and save me but you aren’t here. And that’s okay. I just wish I had an outlet or something. Someone to hold me as I slowly fall apart. I just have so many thoughts and no where to spill them. Sometimes I wish that you would text me to ask me if I am okay or how i am but i know its not your job to fix me and I don’t want you to fix me. I just i miss feeling less alone. Ever since you left I’ve been nothing but scared and it’s not like I want you back or something I just...i haven’t properly opened up to anyone since you and so you’re my last opening. I just wish i could talk to you.