I am in a state where I do not want to do anything. Almost nothing, to be precise with my feelings.
At some point, I thought I was just carefree.
Was I actually that carefree enough to care how I was feeling at that moment? Was I really being genuine with my behavior or was I just faking it to make it real?
Then why was I feeling uncertain about the situation I had to go through? Why did I have to do things I did not want to to begin with? Why?
I could not find an answer. To cover my disappointment at not being able to find the answer by myself, I blamed my environment, my parents, and my friends. Only a loser such as myself would not hesitate to blame anything I can consider as guilty.
People might have gone through such feelings as mine even if I am not certain with my take. Trying to rationalize the moment you are in and to find a solid meaning behind every hassle you have to carry. Wanting to cry but stop yourself before you actually do. Tears evaporate before they swipe down your cheeks one by one. You almost want to rip off every fracture of your cells, scream until everyone looks at you and run away until the following-eyes stop their track.
I know, this process is not easy as what the thinker assumes to be. It also does not appear easy on the mind itself. Then why are we taking that first step anyway?
You do not know. You never know. You do not even consider before doing it. It just pops into your mind without your will. It is almost like something is pulling you towards that sensation of doing. But in the end...
You just do not know what to do.
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