;;a lost home

so she s.p.r.e.a.d her WINGS and learned to fly crashing and falling along the way she flew far away AALIYAH WINTHROP 25 BARTENDER

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

gabriclgarcia:

It was hard to keep Gabriel’s attention but incredibly easy to catch him. There was a fickleness about him which meant that somehow his gaze always got drawn to what he considered the most exciting or entertaining thing in a room and sat outside the cafe he was grabbing a bite of lunch in, this time his attention was fixed on a couple having a blazing domestic in the middle of the street. There was an undeniable look of amusement on his face as he watched the scene unfold, unable to keep himself from snickering slightly as the insults grew louder. Shifting in his seat slightly, he leaned closer to no one in particular before speaking. “You think they get off on the attention? They gotta know that everyone’s zoning in on them.”

Now it was far from a secret that Aaliyah absolutely loved herself drama and these were things that she ended up seeing on a daily basis. She would never have imagined a place like Homestead could have so much drama but it was always enough for her to get a good dose of excitement. Right now was just glad that she was not in the bar and therefore that controlling them was not her responsibility. “I mean do you think we get off on watching them?” Because they were doing just that when they probably should have just been walking right? Aaliyah would not deny that she enjoyed the drama so the question was only about the man who was doing the same. “I mostly am waiting for the resolution. I’ll be curious all day if I don’t see how this ends.” 

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

masonmillcr:

         “Request Eddy to sing something other than trying to out Beyonce? No thanks, I’ll just try to get more drunk and perhaps he will sound more angelic then he really is.” Mason grinned and sipped out of his bottle, nodding his head toward the bartender. “So anything exciting happened tonight or was it another day of kicking people out and cutting them off on their alcohol intake?”

Aaliyah nodded before breaking into a smile at the other’s response. “Alcohol is always the answer.” She was trained to say that. Well no and she had never really suggested that to anyone because she was not about to send someone down a terrible path. It was more a joke in the moment. “Well there is never a boring day on this job. Trust me it was full of exciting twists and turns. You never know when a fight is going to break out, when someone is going to declare their love, or when their body decides to reject that extra drink and it ends up all over the floor. It really is a suspenseful day and I am awfully offended that you made it sound so mundane.” With feigned offense, she laughed with a shake of her head. “It’s mostly being a therapist. So do you have anything exciting to tell me?” 

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

rhyswyles:

Rhys decided that he ultimately disagreed with the girl. She was plenty photogenic. He zoomed in on her as she laughed, his heart almost bursting. He had to get another laugh out of her; the sound of it was angelic. “I’m Rhys,” he tells her. Wracking his brain for a funny anecdote, he comes up empty. Of course his stupid dumb brain is empty when he wants it to be buzzing like normal. He tries to think of a fun ice breaker, instead, thinking that she’s bound to laugh again eventually. One time he’d filmed the neighboring improv class and had heard some good ones. “If we were in an apocalypse, what one material item would you want to bring with you, even if it wouldn’t help you at all?”

The whole experience was giving her memories of her previous times before a camera. They were the very reasons that most of the photos Aaliyah took were of other people, scenery or selfies. She never had others take her pictures because it threw her back to when she was working with, rather under, her mother’s guidance. If it could even be given such a kind denomination. However she could not tell the man that had started to film her this, nor could she go back on what she agreed to do. Maybe this was why Zara had once told her to think things through before doing things. His question was surprising but just the right level of random that Aaliyah loved. Thinking hard about the possible apocalypse, what would she want? “Chopsticks.” She announced, very pleased with her answer, a childish prideful smile appearing on her features before her attention was directed at him. “And you?” 

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

darcyontherhodes:

“Yeah, it’s understandable,” Darcy chuckled. She’s been to an alligator show once before, and it was such an incredible experience. She was dying to go on the tour as well, and since Aaliyah was up for it, she wouldn’t have minded watching the show as well. Like the other girl, she wanted it all too. “We can always just see what is available when we get there and decide then. Or go for it all, if we have the chance.” She nodded, “Sounds perfect, let’s go,” Darcy said and started moving towards the door. With their hands still linked together, she magiced her box containing the cinnamon rolls open (and thankfully she did it without risking any of the rolls falling out) and offered the box up to the other. “The first pick is all yours.”

“I’m all for the go big or go home as you might very well know Darcy. So the more we can do the better for me. I won’t be too greedy or overzealous though and accept your practical advice to see what is open and do that.” She conceded with a big smile, more excited now that she actually knew what she was doing for the day. Otherwise maybe she would have just spent too much time on the beach with no real direction and wasn’t the whole point to fill her days with too many experiences? Which was why it was good that she knew Darcy, a woman that was very much like her in many ways. Her dramatic ways would never leave her and she gave her a completely touched expression. “You are too kind. How does someone like you exist?” Realizing that keeping their hands linked would not allow either to eat, she took her arm out from the other’s and opened her own box. “Give and take is the first principle of good business, Ms. Rhodes.” She joked in the same formal tone, offering the muffins for her while taking a cinnamon bun for herself.

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

hc + childhood, hc + fear, hc + facade, hc + happiness

headcanon + childhood 

There are very few moments that Aaliyah actually remembers from her childhood that were happy. Most of it seems like it passed by in a blur, as though everything was just dark, likely because she tends to try and repress a lot of those memories. She never saw her parents talking to each other when they lived under the same roof. Her mother would judge her father for coming home drunk and he would call her a hypocritical shrew at the most. So amid growing up with an environment like this, she never really knew what she was supposed to do in those moments. She was not capable enough to defuse the situation and it was obvious they were unhappy. Often times it would be whispered that they were only together because of Aaliyah’s sake which added yet another burden to her shoulders. She needed to be good enough, to make them proud because they were sacrificing their happiness for her sake. So when her father left, in some ways it should have been a relief. When they decided to separate the burden should have been lifted off her shoulders, but that was likely what prompted Aaliyah’s inferiority complex. Despite her mother always putting pressure on her, knowing that she had not ended up being enough to make them find their happiness together really messed with her. Amid all of this chaos there is one summer when she was six or seven that she remembers they came to Homestead, and they were happy. At least she remembers it that way. And right after those few weeks spent in their family beach house, her father and mother never saw each other again. She had thought that they were finally happy with each other, that maybe when they went back to New York things would become normal. But really her parents were happy to have to never see each other again. 

headcanon + fear

Aaliyah really fears that her mother has been right the whole time. She has convinced herself that Eleanor believes that she is useless and she has spent her entire life trying to prove her mother wrong. But it terrifies her every day to think that maybe, just maybe, her mother might have never been wrong about her. When she looks back at all her relationships, all her academic ventures or her professional attempts, they all look like failures. Aaliyah has told herself that is because they were never right for her, or that life always got in the way but there is that small voice in her head that keeps telling her maybe it was actually her. Maybe she really doesn’t know how to do anything but disappoint people and to ever learn that is true would shatter Aaliyah. it is why she keeps trying things but never really committing to anything. If she quits early on, there is no chance for failure. She can just say that this particular profession wasn’t for me or I haven’t found my calling yet. The same is true with people. She doesn’t share any of her deeper emotions but in the same way, her relationships likely do not hold too much substance as a result. If she doesn’t open up, the other likely doesn’t either. And it’s easiest to maintain things this way given what happened to Rose. It is a way for her to not feel guilty because neither is she unloading all her emotional baggage on someone nor is she giving them the wrong advice on how to deal with their own problems. Also avoiding making genuine connections, just maintaining surface level friendships with all allows her to leave when she wants without feeling guilty about the people she is leaving behind because she had never been too significant of a person in their lives anyways. In all these ways, Aaliyah is able to run away from her fear of failure, her fear of disappointing people. 

headcanon + facade

Unsurprisingly Aaliyah’s hates confronting her feelings and thus has painting this image of herself for the world. Having rarely shared her emotions with anyone growing up, as she got older she realized it is actually easier to make friends if she just pretends like everything is okay. Somewhere along acting like she was all better, like she was doing the emotionally healthy thing by leaving her mother and trying to find peace, she has fooled herself into thinking that she has moved past the trauma of her childhood. She mask she wears allows her to hide all the insecurities, all the real issues that she has never even confronted. With a smile and a bubbly personality, no one would imagine that there is actually a broken girl. And this way, all the love that she did not receive from her mother can be achieved from other people. She started after leaving New York to travel the world and could just pretend that she was getting better. In high school, the eating disorder was a manifestation of all the pent up emotions and questions that Aaliyah never bothered to ask her mother and after a while it just exploded and got the better of her. The same is likely to happen the more she continues to avoid facing her real demons and the more she keeps running, telling herself that she is completely okay.  

headcanon + happiness

This is such a foreign concept for Aaliyah and she cannot even be sure if there are really times when she felt true happiness. Even if she did, they have certainly been overshadowed by the negative times in her life. However she will say that if she were to find this happiness, she would certainly find it only outside New York City. Given that the city itself represents everything that she hates about her life, the place that everything went wrong, she cannot ever imagine going back and being happy there. Maybe it is a defense mechanism, maybe it is her fight or flight response but this is just how she is. She had a lot of great times traveling the world and perhaps that was the time that she found a lot of peace. Though it is not often that she does this given it is not necessarily the safest of practices, the same peace for her can be attained in the ocean just floating on her back on the nights of full moons. These few moments are probably the closest that Aaliyah can say she has gotten to happiness but so long as she has her insecurities chasing after her, she likely will never realize how to be actually happy, how to be completely burden free and emotionally secure with herself.  

[ninadobrevdaily]

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

@hollydharrison

[elenadaily]

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

hollydharrison:

“Oh, see…I never watched that. Does a guy in that movie chase after people with a knife and blood on him? Or…wait, chainsaw massacre, it is a chainsaw? That would make more sense. If he chased people with a knife then, man…what a missed opportunity that would be.” Holly never liked those sort of movies, she was always more into romantic comedies. Which was probably super girly and predictable but it was just what she liked. She didn’t like things that scared her or made her sad. “But anywho, maybe because I haven’t watched it, that’s why I didn’t he was a murder?” She shrugged lightly. “Well, that just stinks. I just want free candy,” she huffed, purposely being dramatic before letting out a soft laugh. Holly gave her a little look, not sure if she was fully following her and the whole sauce thing at this point. “Wait…so did you or did you not sleep with him?” She asked for clarification. “Oh yea, I think that’s my bad? I was trying to make fresh tomato juice for bloody marys. It wasn’t great though so I poured it out. I totally meant to write it on the grocery list.” 

“Yeah it’s a chainsaw.” Truth be told, Aaliyah didn’t remember the story all that well. She had just always liked watching those horror and gore movies, the jump fright being something that she appreciated. Maybe she was just screwed up in more ways than one. But crime shows, murder mysteries, horror had always appealed to her more than the fairytales. Perhaps if she preferred the latter, she would have had more reasonable dreams. But it didn’t seem possible for her to believe that a Prince was going to come and save her or that she was just going to find love somewhere which would make the darkness in her life disappear. To this day, there hadn’t been a friend, a lover, a family member that had successfully pushed all her demons from her life. “It’s scary isn’t? How much our movie choices impact the way we view the world. Granted I didn’t immediately think he was a murderer. But when I saw the red and the knife, I couldn’t help it.” Aaliyah shook her head at her need the clarification. “Yes, Holly. Keep up with your own innuendos.” She couldn’t help but laugh at the intention behind the tomatoes. “Bloody Marys? Now you’re just messing with me.” Given their conversation thus far about murderers. “Also please add Reeses Puffs to that list. We’re all out and I need that for my midnight snack.”

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

louisawinthrop:

It felt odd. Louisa was standing in a bar looking at someone with so many similar features to her, yet they couldn’t have been more different. It’s almost like they had a role reversal. Louisa didn’t exactly grow up in the rough ends of New York - thanks to her mother sending her father money every month, she lived in a nice enough apartment - but it was nowhere near as glamorous as her life now. Aaliyah grew up with that life, but now worked at a bar wearing clothes from a retail store around the corner. She wanted to understand why she decided to leave her life behind for here, though she knew that would take a while. Was it just Louisa that made her hate her life in New York? Or was she the last straw to a bigger issue?

“A Lemon Drop, please.” Louisa requested. She wasn’t interested in drinking, but she wanted to continue trying with Aaliyah, and a Lemon Drop was a time-consuming cocktail to make, so Aaliyah couldn’t really run off from Louisa. At least, Louisa hoped she wouldn’t. Taking a seat at the bar, she knew she would be here for at least another five minutes, depending on how well Aaliyah knew her cocktails. “Well, we could get to know each other better.” We’re sisters, after all Louisa wanted to add, but refrained from doing so. She knew she needed to tread carefully, and that’s why she decided to lie when responding to Aaliyah’s questions. “Not long, probably.” She told her, hoping Aaliyah wasn’t planning on visiting the Winthrop summer home anytime soon. “How did you get into bartending?”

It was easier if she didn’t have to look at her. Aaliyah had always been told tahtshe looked like her mother and when she looked at the woman before her, she couldn’t help but think that she looked a lot like Eleanor as well. They actually looked far too similar, which made her wonder if they looked alike as well. Once she remembered hearing that at a shoot. Her mother had been monitoring her performance for some cover and she had invited Louisa. Or maybe she just stopped by for something. Aaliyah would never have dared asked why she was there. And it was in between the shots that she remembered hearing how much the two looked alike. That the sisters really shared an uncanny resemblance. She wanted to tell them that they were nothing alike. A simple physical similarity did not define them and they couldn’t have been more different. But she never did have her voice in New York. Though did she really have her voice right now? She just avoided saying anything that was going on in her heart, choosing to avoid the confrontation rather than explicate the very reasons she did not want her sister to be there before her. She couldn’t bring her eyes to look up at the woman because it felt like their mother, or at least the version that Aaliyah had seen growing up, was sitting right before her. Which was precisely why she did not want to speak to this woman. For her, she would forever represent their mother. There would always be a fear that anything she said to her would find its way back to Eleanor Winthrop who would yet again find fault with her frivolous and petty older daughter. Such weakness did not suit a woman of her stature. Such trivial jealousy did not look good on a Winthrop. She didn’t have to tell her mother to know the precise response she would receive.

A lemon drop would take her some time and with the glass left to chill, she began to slowly work. All she could hope was that the bar soon filled up but, perhaps deliberately, Louisa had come at a time when there just weren’t as many people. “I don’t see what there is to know.” Perhaps there was a lot, but for Aaliyah she knew all that she needed. They did not share a single common experience. They were starkly different and this was something she already knew. She knew that her sister saw a different side of their mother. She knew that Louisa like the world of fashion while Aaliyah hated it. She knew that she was far more likely to lead a healthy life, not one where she was still reeling with the after effects of years of emotional abuse. So what more did she need to learn about her? Did she need to know how often their mother praised her? Did she need to know all the times they talked with each other? How many aspects of her sister would only remind her of the ways in which she was the ideal Winthrop? How many ways would the fact that her mother likely would have preferred to keep Aaliyah in the shadows and Louisa in the forefront did she need to face before she could say she knew everything about her sister? And what did she want to know about Aaliyah? The ways in which she had been a disappointment her whole life? How many ways she tried and failed to get their mother to love her like she loved her sister? Her grip on the knife tightened at the thoughts, an uncharacteristic anger bubbling within.

The only relief that she could feel perhaps was she did not intend to stay long. Maybe she’d be gone in a week, maybe she’d be gone before they had a chance to see each other again. Aaliyah could make it very clear that she did not want to speak to her. Granted for her, all her messages came through passive aggression. She could not be so forthright as to say she wanted nothing to do with Louisa. It was easier to push her to the edge of just giving up on Aaliyah, forcing Louisa to choose to leave her alone herself. Her curt responses and rude demeanor perhaps would be enough to turn the bright and positive woman off too. Because there was only so much that anyone could take and that way, the responsibility fell on the other. Louisa was the one who gave up on Aaliyah rather than Aaliyah being the one who explicitly told her to leave. “I needed the money.” Since this time she decided not to use the Winthrop funds. “You didn’t tell Mum that I’m here or that you’re trying to meet me right?” Or did Eleanor already know?  

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

darcyontherhodes:

A smile broke across Darcy’s features as she saw Aaliyah’s reaction to her suggestion. “It is decided then, we’re going.” Aaliyah had a similar spirit and look at life, so she figured she would be up for the fun, but still, it was nice to see the enthusiasm the other girl immediately shown, bringing Darcy’s excitement up in the process as well. “The alligator farm has over 2000 alligators, and the tours are on airboats. And they have alligator shows as well, which is like a dolphin show but obviously with an alligator, so if we get there, we can just choose what we want to see.” If it was up to her, she would have wanted to see it all. “Should we sit down and have breakfast now, or have breakfast on the road?”

Already her excitement was through the roof with this idea. It was amazing and she couldn’t have anticipated it more. An experience she had never had and that was all Aaliyah was doing now. Collecting all sorts of experiences, maybe trying desperately to find one that would just bring her that burst of happiness. Or maybe like always it was just easier to keep herself completely busy. A mix of the two likely was the true motivation behind her constant adventure seeking ways. “Um, I want to do everything. I can’t pick between either of those options.” She declared, taking Darcy’s suggestion into account and nodding. “Breakfast on the go it is! Like the true nomadic souls we are,” at least that she was. She never really stuck in one place for too long after all. 

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

adelaidexarcher:

“I’m glad to hear it although I’m pretty sure I will end up falling into the weird category sooner rather than later.” She laughs lightly as if to show that her self deprecating words are in jest rather than any real seriousness. In her mind they all had their quirks - that was what she loved bringing out on camera - it was crucial to what made them all unique and if you found the right  people to surround yourself with they loved you for them rather than in spite of them. Although Adelaide was all too aware that some people’s quirks weren’t all that positive even if she did try to find something good. At the other brunette’s question, she paused and cast her gaze out once more. “Well I think for me it’s sentimental value. Years of growing up with it and then seeing it at the end of some of the happiest days of my childhood but then also having something equally as beautiful to wake me up for a brand new day and brand new adventures. I think it’s just nice then a cityscape.”

“Well it’s all about the branding. Until you fall into that category it’s weird. Once you do, it’s called being unique.” It was a simple trick, all about the choice of words. She had seen this in her life all too often. Though it was a tiny example and it was meant only as a joke, the hypocrisy that some had in this way was not. There were plenty who she grew up with who did just this. They scoffed upon individuals and then when they started to become grouped with those same people, their entire demeanor changed. When they became useful, all of a sudden they were valued and unique. Until then they were the outcasts, the weird ones. It felt like all the darkness Aaliyah kept buried in her heart was seeping out little by little into her conscious and she didn’t want that. But even listening to the other’s words about a happy childhood, how the reason she loved this was the sentimental value made her think of her reasons for hating her home city very much because of her drastically different childhood. “Cityscapes are sometimes over sold. But there are some rooftops that you can get a view of the sunset. It might not be as nice as this, but it’s still somewhat nice.” Those escape places she had saved for herself whenever she had to be in the city. 

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

hollydharrison:

Holly gave the other brunette a small pout when she called her a genius, having a feeling that she may have been a bit sarcastic. “Sauce makers need knives too,” she pointed out, her voice small and probably easily missed by the other girl. She felt vindicated when it turned out she had been right all along. She slapped her hand against the counter top out of excitement, unable to contain herself. “Aha! See, this is why everyone should always give people the benefit of the doubt. My sister is always saying I am too trusting and that strangers with candy are just kidnappers. But you know what? Sometimes they’re just nice people giving out free candy. And sometimes the guy covered in red, holding a knife is just a sauce maker!” She felt triumphant as she reached out for her glass and took a long sip from the crazy straw she had stuck into her peach and mango margarita. “So, after he made you some sauce did you too…make some sauce?” She asked, teasing in her tone as she winked over to the other girl. “If you…know what I mean. Or do you regret not giving him your tomatoes? ” 

“Somehow the potential that he was a sauce maker just never crossed my mind. I think I watched too much Texas Chainsaw Massacre growing up,” Aaliyah said with a laugh, thinking any sane individual would have come to a far different conclusion than the one she arrived at. Then again, how sane was she really? That was the real question. It was amusing to think that for the girl that traveled the world with very little knowledge of where she was going or what she was seeing, she had a somewhat paranoid side to her yet. For all her trusting ways, they also led to her having an extremely wild imagination that sometimes victimized innocent souls. Which she had apologized to said sauce maker for. “Most of the time people are just giving out candy. But Holly, you are a different case. You’re too cute so even the people just giving out candy might decide to kidnap you instead.” She playfully nudged the other’s shoulder with her own before taking her seat in front of her. Closing her eyes at disbelief at the corny innuendos, she shook her head with an amused smile. “Well, I didn’t leave right after dinner. And I invited him over the next day to try the sauce I made.” Playing along with the absolutely horrible suggestions, she thought back to those days. They were not so long ago and yet it felt like an eternity passed since that happened. “Anyways, we need tomatoes. We’re all out.” 

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

masonmillcr:

      Mason leaned against the bar table, cradling the beer he has been nursing since he walked through the doors of the bar right after work and stared up at the tv to watch the sports channel. The sound of good Old Eddy singing behind him drunk had him chuckling, “You would think they would kick him out of here by now, unless they have gone tone deaf.” He talked to the person beside him, finally looking over at them. 

“Listen I kick too many people out so right now, I am just a patron enjoying her drink. I’m not bothered by drunks, I’m not looking out for the ears of everyone in this bar.” And just as she said, that as if only to prove why she really shouldn’t have been pretending to not hear anything, the drunk man started belting Single Ladies. Grimacing slightly, she turned to look at the man beside her, mouthing the words along with the singing of live all night karaoke. “Maybe you can request something if this isn’t your taste.”

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

louisawinthrop:

Aaliyah’s expression didn’t seem to change at Louisa’s question. This really wasn’t a good idea, but she was here now, and she was talking to her sister. Well, she had asked her sister a question and was awaiting her response, she wouldn’t really consider that a conversation. Louisa was dreading Aaliyah’s response. Taking the look on her face into account, whatever Aaliyah had to say, it wasn’t going to be a pleasant conversation.

Her question was disheartening to Louisa once again. Not only did she ignore her attempt to be nice, but she obviously wasn’t interested in having a decent conversation. Louisa didn’t understand, why did she hate her so much? Louisa did nothing to make Aaliyah hate her - nothing she could recall, anyway. And from what their mother had told her, Aaliyah should have loved having a sister, she thought she would be as excited as Louisa was. Instead, she resented her and their mother. Nothing was going as Louisa had wanted. She had to be missing something.

“I wanted to talk,” Louisa began. Probably not best to outright say she was living in their family summer home, that wouldn’t make any of this easier. “See how you were getting on here. It’s a nice place, Florida is actually quite pretty.” She claimed, hoping that would ease Aaliyah into the conversation a little bit. “If you wanted, we could grab a coffee sometime? We could…talk?”

This was not a side of Aaliyah that most saw. Indeed it was a side that not even her mother had seen for a while. Likely one that even Aaliyah did not know existed until it appeared from the ashes of her crumbled reality. She still remembered the day when she returned home from Italy to find that her mother had brought someone into their home. Someone that she was now to recognize as her sister. Aaliyah had never been good with getting to know people, especially those who knew her mother. That was perhaps why the only two people in her life she’d dare give the title of importance had been from a world separate from the Winthrop name. So naturally it was not quite on the table for her to open up to her sister. But watching the interactions between her mother and her younger sister, Aaliyah had gotten the suspicion that they were far better fits for each other. What she had been unable to do after twenty one years, this girl had managed to do in a few. Clearly she was special. She meshed into the high strung world of fashion while Aaliyah had always felt she stuck out like a sore thumb.

So she left, choosing to distance herself from the source of her anguish rather than try and give either of them a chance. It was easier to give the label of soul searching than jealousy, so that was what she stuck with. After all, Aaliyah had always been an expert at running from people. But the one she ran from the most was herself. And then there had been some resentment but it did not manifest as it did now. It was finding out the differences in their childhoods. It was finding out that even when she was the daughter of her mother’s affair she had seen more of her. She had seen a kinder side than Aaliyah had ever seen. That was what threw her off the edge. It was unfair, she knew, to punish Louisa for their mother’s sins. But why was Aaliyah punished? Was it for her father’s sins? Was it for sins she did not commit? So if their mother could be unfair to her, maybe she was her mother’s daughter in some ways.

“Are you going to order something?” She asked since she was supposed to be doing her job and couldn’t just chase the woman out. It was a tactic to ignore most of what she was saying, keep them distant and unfamiliar. Talk. She wanted them to talk. “I don’t know what there is talk about.” She was pretty clear about her intentions towards Louisa. What would they talk about? How different their childhoods were? How great their mother was when only one of them had seen that side to her? How amazing the world of fashion was? What did they have in common that they would be able to engage in any sort of conversation? Nothing. Needing to keep herself busy to keep from losing whatever grip she had on herself, Aaliyah just started to clean the glasses that were already clean. “How long are you staying here?” How long would she run the risk of seeing a sister she did not want to see?

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

louisawinthrop:

Louisa was typing a text back to one of her friends back in New York when her head snapped up at the voice of her sister. Immediately she locked her phone, the message unfinished; this was way more important at the moment. Aaliyah sounded upbeat, like she was happy to see Louisa, but that was the thing: she hadn’t seen Louisa yet. Her head was down as she was focusing on something and when she lifted her head, Louisa couldn’t help but feel disheartened as Aaliyah’s face dropped. 

This is what Louisa mainly expected, though, so it was okay, she would roll with it. She gave Aaliyah a soft smile, hoping that would help somehow. “Yeah, I’ve stopped by a few times to see if you were here, I’m sure all your colleagues think I’m some kind of stalker.” Louisa said, followed by a soft chuckle. Aaliyah didn’t look much different to when she had last seen her. It wasn’t all that long ago, but it felt like it had been. Louisa wouldn’t have been surprised if Aaliyah walked out nine months pregnant, but it had only been a few months since Aaliyah had moved here. 

Louisa’s head was rammed with things to say, but none of them felt right. Before things could get any more awkward, Louisa spoke up. “How are you?” She asked, the soft smile remaining on her face. It was a stupid question, but surely it was enough to get the ball rolling. 

The very existence of the woman before her had been unknown to Aaliyah. For years, for years, she had been living in a complete lie. She couldn’t help but wonder how many of the late nights had actually been spent with her other family? How many of those business trips were meant getaways with the daughter she actually liked? How many of the moments that she was with Aaliyah did she actually just wish she was with her younger daughter? Maybe this was jealousy, maybe it was her insecurities, but whatever it was, she felt like absolute shit every time this woman was in front of her. It was hilarious because her father was the one her mother had been cheating on, and yet why did it feel like she was the one that had been betrayed? She had no idea of the affairs. She had no idea that her parents were separated for this reason. She would visit her father occasionally and he just seemed like her, much happier away from Eleanor. Aaliyah thought that maybe she just hadn’t found the right side to her mother, maybe she just had to look a little harder or try some more to get her to accept her. Every action of hers had been aimed towards making Winthrop like her and yet nothing she did felt like it was enough.

And now, with a bright smile she stood before her, as though she was flaunting not only their mother’s love for her but also the fact that she had more emotional stability than Aaliyah would ever had. She had confidence that the older Winthrop could only dream of. She had a life that Aaliyah had always imagined for herself. So what did she want from her? When her so called sister had everything she could possible want, what could the disappointment possibly give her that their mother couldn’t? After all, they both knew who the favorite was. So what did she want that she was here, now? It was one thing if it was a coincidence but she had actively been searching out for her. “Why are you here?” No niceties, just a straightforward question made unapologetically. This was supposed to be her refuge and it was being corrupted by the presence of her tainted past. By the reminders all around her of her mistakes, of her faults, and her weaknesses.

For only a second, a brief moment, Aaliyah wondered if she was there to convince her to go back? Had their mother figured out where she had run off to and she wanted to convince her to come back? This was not the first time Aaliyah left, though this was the first time she refused to do so on her mother’s dollar. Given the conditions under which she left, did she send her prodigal child to convince her rebellious hothead to come back? To stop being so temperamental and immature and just behave like a Winthrop was supposed to behave? But the brunette quickly scratched that thought. Since when did her mother care enough to actually want to resolve things with her daughter? After all, Eleanor Winthrop did not waste her time with lost causes and that was precisely what her Aaliyah was. A lost cause. Not worth the time, certainly not worth the effort.

[aaliyahwinthrop-blog]

louisawinthrop:

Another day, another attempt to get Aaliyah to talk to her. Since arriving in Homestead, Louisa was surprised that she hadn’t ran into her sister yet. Louisa had made sure to explore most of the city, and visited places that piqued her interest but from what she had noticed, it felt as if Aaliyah barely even left her house. Maybe she wasn’t looking in the right places, or maybe it was the wrong place at the wrong time. Today, though, she was sure she was going to get Aaliyah to talk to her. She managed to find out what bar she worked at, and what day she would be in this week. She just hoped Aaliyah would be cooperative.

Standing outside the bar, Louisa tried to plan what she wanted to say. From the scenarios in her head, none of them seemed to end well. Well, she would never know unless she tried. Stepping into the bar, Louisa noticed it was quiet. It was only early, so no one was likely to be venturing in until a few hours later. At least this meant they could have a conversation without having to shout over the noise, that was if Aaliyah wanted to talk. 

From what she could see, there was no sign of Aaliyah yet. Louisa hoped she hadn’t missed her, or she was too early. She was tired of waiting around to talk to her sister. Walking up to the bar, she asked the bartender who approached her if Aaliyah was in. When they nodded, Louisa had to repress herself from screaming “thank God”. Instead, she kindly asked if they could go fetch her for her. When they turned around, Louisa began to feel anxious. She had no official plan of what she was going to say, and had no idea of how Aaliyah was going to react when seeing her. Pulling her phone out, she distracted herself by scrolling through Instagram.

@aaliyahwinthrop 

While her life hadn’t been exactly how she expected it to be, Homestead was a nice enough place. There were few memories she had of it but maybe subconsciously it had been one of the happier places she had been as a child. They only came here once before, both her mother and father. It was vague and blurry but she felt if she knew what the emotion of happiness felt like, it would probably have felt like that. So that hazy memory perhaps had fooled her into thinking that if she returned she’d find that similar happiness here. Having left New York in the past, she always found some sort of peace being away from the constant criticism and the feelings of disappointment that followed her everywhere she turned. The inferiority complex that she had yet to deal with properly only reared its ugly head when she was in that city. However, in her travels, had she found happiness? Well that was far too philosophical of a question for Aaliyah and all she knew was whatever she felt outside of New York was far better than whatever she felt within its confines. 

Granted her time in Homestead was proving to be a bit too much of a reminder of her past but that was only the reappearance of a childhood memory. If she was careful, she might have been able to avoid him all together and then everything else about this place was great. It gave her the type of groundedness she needed whilst she figured out what she wanted to do next with her life. Before she spoke to her mother again, she needed to have a plan, know that this was what she wanted to do. And though she had no idea when she was going to speak to Eleanor once more, it did not appear to be anytime soon. The week had passed and a few times already she had been told that someone kept coming to the bar looking for her in particular. She didn’t realize that she already had a fan following for her bartending skills but when she was told that someone was there for her again, she put on her great Homestead smile. The one that was good enough to fool even her into thinking everything was okay.

It was her shift now anyways so, tying he apron around her waist, head down she exited the back, speaking to the individual who she had caught from her periphery. “I hear you’ve been looking for me. Is it my undeniable charm or my unparalleled cocktail?” She asked with a smile, finally securing the knot and looking up to see who her fan was. Of course the familiar features were far from what she had been expecting and for a second, Aaliyah couldn’t process if this was real or just some big nightmare. Maybe she was living out her fears in her dreams and this was definitely one of them. As though the universe was laughing at her for thinking that she could escape her fate, words spoken before came back to her. Something about never being able to run away because things always caught up to her. 

[ninadobrevdaily]