LOVING SOMEONE

“forgive me father, for i have sinned. and as i kneel here now; hands red with blood, i know deep down, that i’ll do it again.” aaron fitzgerald james iii. FRACTAL.

[hellxhq]

“You… honestly know nothing.” Anika was surprised at how scathing her words came out. She was more confused than anything by the frantic boy in front of her. “It is seventy degrees down here; room temperature. If you’re really so desperate to be cold, go lock yourself in the walk in freezer.”

[aarcnjames]

aaron’s eyebrows furrowed into confusion. what had he done wrong? “yikes, alright,” he said eloquently. he assumed, after so many of his conversations ending this way, that the americans were simply rude. “that’s another thing. i don’t understand fahrenheit at all.”

[cc-courtenay-blog]

“Get off your high horse Aaron. It’s not like you’re any better than me. Besides I already used up the little goodness I have warning you about Pepper.”

[aarcnjames]

“i don’t backstab my friends, abandoning them when they have no one else. besides, it’s not like it’s any of your business. some job you did of warning me.”

[aarcnjames]

LAKE PLACID; ELEMENTAL MAGIC

with disinterest in all things magic came an irrational reaction to simple test; it took a combination bribery and threats before aaron james would take the test at all. truthfully, he didn’t believe he could be sorted. housing no magic skills was a large part of his resistance, but being place into the water magic class has made his hope perk up. at least a little bit.

[jcimevillanueva-blog]

at the mere mention of magic, jaime froze, an instinctive fear that he’d developed ever since their move to wardlaw; it happened momentarily, a straightening of the back, a breath held in limbo, but as soon as the fear passed, he tried to put his mind out of it. for he knew that He made all things good, and that he should have faith in His plan, but there was something about all that power in a person that made his skin prickle and his heart stop, if only for a moment. magic and man, he thought, should never have mixed, but there was little he could do about that now, can he?

for a moment, he thought of being straightforward, of telling him that he’d only been to classes thrice, and most times, he hadn’t even listened so much as even made eye contact with the teacher present. but he had to make aaron believe that he would be fine, so that he felt that he would be, because by hook or by crook, he’ll help him get through it all with baked goods and a shoulder to lean on, for that’s what friends did, right?

“i… was thinking of doing energy magic, if i could even try,” he responded, keeping that smile on him. ( or at the very least, trying to. ) “seemed like a good choice; lots of uses, pretty vague, i’m not sure though. maybe air or something, i’ve always been told i’ve gotten an aang vibe.” he gave a laugh, and nudged aaron’s shoulder, trying to get his mood back. “hey, you could be the zuko to my aang, or something, all you’d need is a eye scar or something and rants about honor.”

[aarcnjames]

seeing jaime freeze made aaron wonder if he’d crossed some invisible line, a line that they’d never addressed or established, yet both knew was there. aaron knew it was hard, coping with all this magic, when jaime came from such a religious background. it was ironic that aaron thanked god that his family wasn’t church regulars, no one wore rosary beads and aaron couldn’t tell you the importance of passover or abraham. that was a heavy burden to carry, aaron thought, the story of the cross. ironic, again, all of it.

for a moment, aaron considered that he’d been so concerned with himself and his own brokeness that he’d forgotten the humanity of other people. he knew everyone was broken in some way - aaron was a shattered mirror while jaime was more of a church window: cracked and colored purposefully, the elders calling it artistic. he sat up again, only to lean onto his friend. he took a deep breath, holding the moment before exhaling, almost a sigh.

“that’s the coolest kind,” aaron said softly. he’d say that no matter what the magic was, as he was trying something new called being supportive. “i promise i won’t try to sell you out to win back my birthright, okay?” he laughed, though the analogy was more accurate that jaime has probably meant it to be. aaron had lost all his filial honor, but he did very little to regain it. “besides, it’d be pretty sweet to be a firebender.”

[wixenelle]

She didn’t bother to give a verbal response as lifting the book from her lap seemed to be enough. It displayed the title of the book clearly once she moved her fingers to the side, laying it back down as she studied him closely. “You are full of so many unrequested facts. Do you enjoy the constant outpour of forced conversation, or is it something you have yet to notice yourself?”

[aarcnjames]

if her words didn’t give it away, her body language did, flashing the book title at him for only a second, as if to say ‘be gone’ right afterwards. but aaron was never one for leaving until being demanded to, and this was no different. maybe he could turn things to favor him. “unrequested facts seems a little harsh. i’d call it small talk - simply making conversation with a familiar face. that’s how you make friends, you know. what, would you rather me sign to you?”

[aarcnjames]

hycsun:

“We’re under a lake, pal,” she said, resting her head on her right palm, almost yawning,·“winters are as a cold as this place decides for them to be. Write a petition for a british december, won’t you? I’m sure your classmates will fight for some beans on toast at breakfast, too.”·

“are beans on toast seriously the most stereotypically british thing you could think of? wow - most people don’t even consider that when profiling us.” aaron allowed himself to laugh, despite the tension.·“i’ve gotten the tea and crumpets comments a lot, but maybe you’re just going for originality.”·

[gotatext]

“not you. god!” pepper exhaled vehemently, her hands jutting out at her hips as she chewed on her wad of cerulean gum. “not everything is about you, aaron!” a sigh passed her lips as she regained control of her temper, her icy eyes staring into his, the honey brown of coffee, with the fierce independence of queen boudicca. “we were playing a game of dares. there was this boy, way back. he was called todd calloway. back in year nine, he developed this weird obsession with me. he used to come whenever i was playing a game and take pictures. say they were for the school magazine. but everyone knows he was a fucked up twisted little freak. god knows what he did with them. anyway, not important. so he started talking to me more, trying to be my ‘friend’, et cetera, and when he didn’t get the hint that i wasn’t interested, he asked me out. obviously, i said no, i mean, he was a complete bunny-boiling freak, but he got like, weirdly possessive and told me that if he couldn’t have me then no one could, so eventually i went to the dumfries headmaster and told them everything that had happened and that he’d threatened me – like, he physically threatened me with my death, aaron – so they had no choice but to expel him. shame.” pepper remarked with an apathetic shrug of her slim shoulders, her eyes examining the calcium flecks of her manicured nails as she bit back the grin that threatened at her lips, a swell of pride in her gut.

“anyway. we were playing this game and ophelia was like, ring the creepiest person you know, so i was like, fine, it’s definitely todd calloway the serial killing maniac. so i rang him up and left him a voicemail telling him that if he ever threatened me again i’d pull his windpipe out and wear it as a g-string. and then i said the thing about him being a mistake, because everyone knows his whore of a mother wouldn’t know a condom if it bit her on the nose, right? how gross. and i guess that’s when you walked in. so again, you got the wrong end of the stick and went completely crazy on me.” she was silent a moment, giving him a breather to catch up, her lips curling against each other as she merely stared up at him, her doe eyes wide with innocence, hands tugging on the hem of her tennis skirt. “fine. make this about you again. you’re the victim. i ripped your heart out and ate it, blah blah blah. what about what i want, aaron? what about me? don’t i get any say in this?” 

pepper was not in the wrong; she was clear on that much. the vixen of a girl had made her intentions clear from the start. something fun. something relaxed. everyone knew what pepper was like, reckless with her heart, reckless with her mind – you could spot her devious smile a mile off. why would he think he’d be any different, and not just another notch on her bedpost or page in her journal of lovers? it was hardy her fault he chose to fall in love with a girl who couldn’t feel any degree of the emotion back. it was tragically ironic, that the broken boy before her had once been a king of the world, and a mere flick of her tongue and a swish of her hips had reduced him to mere rubble. “you got weird. two months, and you were throwing around the ‘l’ word like confetti. what the fuck was i supposed to do? lie? i told you… i–” her voice cut, lips pressing into a firm line as she shook her head, losing her words, her shoulder blades hitting the wall as she attempted to back away from him, turning on her heel instead. “never mind. doesn’t matter what i think does it, because you’ve obviously made your mind up about me. i’m the big bad witch and you’re the fucking munchkin king. to think i was actually excited to see you. what a joke.”

[aarcnjames]

he remembered todd -- quiet, pretty reserved. he was the kind of kid who spent his lunches in the library, usually reading or whatever else there was to do in solitude. in fact, he did often have a slew of pictures with him, though aaron struggled to remember if he was on the school newspaper or not. with a cringe, he considered that maybe pepper was telling the truth; maybe todd took the pictures with something malicious in mind. his stomach twisted at the possibilities, though he was skeptical of all sides of this story. admittedly, he was speechless throughout her long winded accusation, trying to piece together what had actually happened and what pepper was trying to convince him happened -- it was too hard to see the difference anymore.

oh -- maybe he was wrong. aaron had just overreacted, that was all. maybe there was chance that an apology would bring pepper back to him, stop the hostility, return to normal. aaron was ready to have her to himself again; maybe this time could be the real thing - she could love him back. an apology on the tip of his tongue, aaron’s sudden optimism was only destryed by her mocking voice. he couldn't believe that he fell for her lies again. something shook him out of whatever love spell pepper had managed to cast with that story, but he didn’t believe in magic -- so it must’ve just been her manipulating him again. “didn’t you make it quite clear what you wanted? i told you how i felt, and you didn’t want the same. you had your say, so don’t pretend like i was the one who ended it. i was willing to give everything for you, and you just wanted me to fuck.” this wasn’t nearly as bitter as before, only sad, somewhat nostalgic. aaron realized that he was still longing for her, his fingers reaching out for something he’d never get again. his eyes fell to the floor.

of course, aaron knew what pepper was when he got involved with her, but he was too optimistic to reduce her to just her reputation. maybe she could change, he’d thought, though was disappointed as she slowly revealed herself to be worse than that what the whispers claimed of her. when they were together, late nights, bodies pressed together, aaron was in love - it wasn’t until she left in the morning, either saying nothing or shrugging off any suggestion of staying, that he thought he was anything but in love. “i fell for you,” he said, admitting what pepper already knew. “i can’t lie and say you let me down easy, pepper. you completely wrecked me,” he sighed. “but it’s okay, i know you won’t even pretend you’re sorry.”

[hellxhq]

“Really?” Anika nearly rolled her eyes at him, but thought better of it. “ you don’t even have to wear them; the space under the lake is climate controlled.”

[aarcnjames]

“so, what i’m hearing is that it’s going to be this hot year round. if this is what you consider ‘controlled’, i’m going to cook. you know how in movies you can fry an egg on a sidewalk? that’s me.”

[oflcvis-blog]

“i think you have to go to canada for that. i heard their weather is fucking rational and they actually have seasons and it’s not just hot. ah yes, it’ll be and all the old ladies in the old folk’s home, gossiping about the local scandal and knitting together our quilts. i’m sure no one would question my sanity and if so at least i’d have bertha and gertrude to comfort me.”

[aarcnjames]

“canada. what a place -- i really want to see a mounty. like, you’re paid to ride around on a horse and wear a cool hat. can you say dream job? and yes, it’s not nearly as hot. and seasons are a thing, which is surely better than this ‘weather controlled’ magic bubble. my head can’t grasp this whole magic thing yet. if you’re lucky, you might also get edith and aunt margret to join your circle, too. i hear they’re the biggest gossips of the whole retirement home.”

[breezc-blog]

“your mum sounds lovely, aaron. you had better write her soon and thank her for the jumpers, okay? add a picture of you wearing one, too – i’m sure she’d really like that.” moria inhaled before addressing the rest of what he said, running her fingers through her hair and biting her lip. “let’s hope that we at least get the chance to graduate before the earth and air disasters come into the picture. moving once was stressful enough; i can’t imagine what doing it twice was like for you.” 

she rolled her eyes, smiling with a soft laugh. “oh, aren’t you humble? don’t worry – i believe you. you might just be a normal, boring guy – but if i’m ever in trouble, i’m gonna call you first.”

[aarcnjames]

“she is lovely,” he agreed, thinking of the note that had been enclosed in the package, asking too many questions and begging him to call home more often. “you’re right, i really should. however, she’d definitely frame that picture of me, so we’d have to make sure i look good. like, family christmas photos good. those sweaters will be immortalized via my mantle piece.” natural disasters were usually a conversation downer, aaron had expected some vague optimism to follow - the sympathy was just an added bonus. “honestly, i was happy to leave wardlaw. your school is nice, but i have nothing except bad memories there.”

despite a brief insight into the sad, sad sob story of aaron james, he quickly recovered with a laugh, playing off that he’d mentioned anything at all. “normal? boring? woah, woah -- moria, do you even know me? i scream fun. i’ve basically got exciting written on my forehead. some people go looking for trouble - but i go to kick trouble’s ass.”

[zuby]

“It’s August.“ Oliver tipped his head to the left. “We have winters here in New York. With snow. You mom’s probably just planning ahead.“ If these Dumfries boy overstayed their welcome that long.

“Did she make them herself?“

[aarcnjames]

right -- new york. new england, cold and icy. still, aaron’s stubbornness prevented him from letting go his english superiority complex. “hm, i’m sure. i’ve heard how mushy it gets. hopefully the fact that we’re under a lake will help that.” he wondered if it would even get cold at all. 

no, his mother probably didn’t make them herself. the james family had more money than anyone needed, therefore his socialite mother didn’t spend her time with something as trivial as knitting. “yeah, she loves it,” aaron lied. “i get a handmade sweater at some point every year. we’re like the weasleys, except with less red hair.”

[gotatext]

“it’s none of your business,” pepper mimicked, her eyes rolling in their sockets as a playful smirk began to tug at her bubblegum-coated lips. her childishness reminded her of how she missed the way things used to be. the playful tones and whispered words laced in lust and dripping with empty promises. her expression softened slightly, the cold mask of a heartless puppeteer she wore like a clockwork doll briefly slipping from her features. the tip of her index finger finished it’s trail across is jawline, lifting to trace the cupid’s bow of his lips. lips that had once moaned her name in a way that at the time had felt almost addictive. lips that had quivered when she kissed their love affair goodbye.

bitterness laced his every word. it was like watching a petulant child throw a tantrum, and the only thing that kept pepper from rolling her eyes and clicking her stanley-sharp tongue was the expression on his face. pepper wasn’t a sensitive person but she knew how to recognise emotions when she saw them, the hurt that lurked in his features postponing her comment, if only for the fact that he’d been a fun toy to play with, and if he played his cards right, she’d play with him some more. “it was just a stupid game, aaron, and it wasn’t just me. we were all playing it. cece, ophelia, the whole lot. so don’t take the high road like you’re so much better than i am because i said one shitty thing in a game of dares. it’s some nerve you’ve got even assuming it was about you in the first place. it wasn’t.” in a fierce temper, pepper snatched her fingers away from his face, folding them across her chest as she released her anger into another bubble, the size of it expanding to the size of her head, before popping between the two of them, gum sticking to her nose. “i liked you better when your mouth was round my neck.”

[aarcnjames]

she was a child; certainly, she’d never matured past age eleven, popping her obnoxious bubble gum in his face, so close that each snap hit him with the sickly sweet sent of artificial sugar, aaron’s face twisting with anger. but it was hard to be mad at a child, aaron suddenly thinking of a forgotten younger sister he had. he imagined scolding pepper like a kid, though it strangely felt that he was the child in this situation, and it was she who’d snatched the candy out of his fists. he must be losing his temper, his fists gripped so tightly they were white. aaron didn’t reply to her mockery. he knew what she wanted out of him, and it was nothing aaron wanted to give.

“a stupid game?” he repeated, knowing that she’d only further confirmed what he thought. while aaron had treated their short relationship (and not even that was the right word) like love, star-written love, pepper had only written it off as a game. she was a child, then, ripping men’s hearts out like they meant nothing at all. “i didn’t feel anything for your bitchy friends, p. they didn’t lead me on for a month, only to drop me the next day for some other poor soul.” he laughed. “i think the term you use may have been ‘loser’, which is great -- i love to hear what you really think of me.” and it still hurt to hear her talk this way, aaron’s heart aching just the tiniest bit. her fingers on his face feeling so comforting, the first familiar thing at lake placid -- everything else reduced to ashes at dumfries or banished forever at wardlaw. aaron was still trying to figure out which pepper fell under. “if it wasn’t about me, then you must have been with someone else at the same time, then, which isn’t much better.” aaron hardly cared what retort she had next, it was all beginning to sound the same. “i liked you better when you pretended to give a shit about me.”

[jcimevillanueva-blog]

“you haven’t missed much, all things considered.” laying down next to him, jaime munched on a brownie, happily content with the turn of events, even if he probably interrupted his much needed sleep, from the looks of it. the double fudge seemed to brighten up the room some, along with the company, and jaime could tick this off as a day well spent. soon after, he’d had another in his clutches, passing it to his friend, for perhaps he might need it today.

there was something to aaron now, something he couldn’t put his finger on, a far fall from the on he’d heard of back in dumfries, the perpetual golden boy, the vice president of the student council that would never probably have given him a second thought. he wouldn’t talk about it now, he wouldn’t talk about it at all, if it befitted his friend, he would let him come to him with it, for he knew of problems you never wanted to tell anyone. ( but if worse comes to worst, he had his smile and a shoulder, at least. right?  )

“you’ve missed that a few friendships are gone, and a few bits of drama come around, but nothing substantial,” he admitted, the grin still on his face. “at the risk of sounding like your mum, i’d say you missed a bit of homework, man. if you want, i could give you the notes. or help you with it, i’m pretty done with it, at least.”

[aarcnjames]

he was sure that jaime was only saying that to protect his feelings; this wasn’t the first time aaron had skipped a few days in a row, and it certainly wouldn’t be his last. the last time he’d retreated to his room for this long, wardlaw had practically exploded, everyone saying something about ‘dark magic’. aaron had read harry potter, he understood what they meant -- but truthfully, he didn’t care that much about moving schools (again). much more upset by interrupted sleep schedules, very little good had come out of coming to america.

well, jaime was the best of that good - checking up on aaron often, like he did now, baking him treats just to get him to smile. it was hard to imagine a time when jaime wasn't one of his better friends (though it was pretty recently that a much more arrogant aaron ignored him) sometimes, it was easy to see the light in jaime. most days, the struggle was seeing it in himself. nothing substantial...aaron repeated that in his mind a few times, tearing at it in search of a meaning, before deciding he was over analyzing things again.

“is it any of that elemental magic?” he asked, sounding disinterested. aaron found little time to care about something he’d been told could never manifest within him. “did you ever decide what you wanted to do with that, anyway?” this was half to change the subject, but half because aaron knew jaime had been between things. “i’d pick fire magic, if that wasn’t so damn ironic, being a dumfries boy.”

[gotatext]

“ooh! someone’s touchy…” pepper cooed, the cold, glass eyes of a china doll rolling in her sockets. “did you forget to take your meds, babe?”  it was pathetic to think that aaron still held a grudge against her for his little problem. it wasn’t as if she rammed the pills down his throat and forced him to swallow. she was silent a moment, chin lifting with measured inspection, her eyes remaining on his as a cerulean bubble of gum expanded from her lips, popping against her face. it was a habit of hers. once upon a time he had found it cute; called her violet beauregarde, even, long before the pills had ever met his lips. now, he probably hated it, along with every other part of her. 

“we used to have fun,” the blonde purred, lips pursing as her teeth sunk into the flesh to drag the gum back into her mouth. “we used to be like royalty.” her vice-like gaze lifted as she sauntered towards him, her steps slow, calculated, almost leonine in the rise and fall of her prowling feet as she closed the distance between them, a finger lifting to trail along his jawline. “where did it all go wrong?” it was obvious, wasn’t it? pepper couldn’t resist roping him into one of her games – and the only person who ever won at those games was pepper.

[aarcnjames]

at his side, aaron’s hand balled into fists -- not that he was going to do anything to her, not that he ever had enough courage or power to stand up to her. this was the first time she was wrong, even if she was only being sarcastic herself: aaron hadn’t forgotten to take anything since their falling out. but that damn bubblegum. he could only equate the quiet snap to her, to pepper and the way she twisted his heart out. memories flooded back to him, his eyes narrowing as their nights together replayed in his mind, over and over. aaron cringed. “it’s none of your business,” he repeated, spitting anger as he spoke.

now she was talking about the past, aaron’s jaw hardened with strife, because she had no right to speak of ‘we’ and ‘fun’ in the same sentence. “we used to be, until you ruined it.” he said, little regret in his tone. did she ruin it? at times, it was hard to remember - his brain had been so foggy because a mix of the drugs and her, manipulating him into getting her way. did it count as manipulation if you liked it, though? aaron was certain that at wardlaw, he would’ve laid down his life for her. “when you told me you could never love a mistake.”

[jcimevillanueva-blog]

it was a shame that he’d woken his friend up from some much needed slumber, but looking at the state of disarray the other’s room was in, perhaps it was best that he had roused him from the sleep he held so dear; the whole damn thing was a mess—perhaps he could persuade him to do some early cleaning or something. but he had no room to be a hypocrite, his room was almost as messy, since he’s slacked off on the whole cleaning principle.

“made the whole batch for you and me man, figured that you might have a few low days you want to remedy with some baked goods,” jaime chirped, matching the grin he had with his own lopsided one. it was always good to catch a smile from someone in the halls—it seemed to brighten up his day some, and who better for a smile than aaron, after all? “they’re special by principle i suppose,” he surmised, relaxing on the bed, “and if you have to ask the kind, they’re double fudge. learned it few weeks ago, so it’s kind of new for me but i had to try anyways.”

[aarcnjames]

“the whole batch,” aaron whispered, clearly pleased with that answer. a blanket (albeit a dirty one) still wrapped around his body, he couldn’t imagine a better way to have been woken up. still, he immediately moved to lay back down, content with the trade off of being comfortable while eating brownies, risking ‘choking hazard’. “double fudge with love,” he added, taking one for himself.

part of aaron couldn’t help but wonder if jaime had come just to ‘hang out’ as he said -- it was no secret around campus that the two were close, and for a moment, aaron considered that jaime had been sent to make sure aaron was still alive (he hadn’t been out of his room for awhile, explaining the organized chaos that was his room). “am i missing much out there?” he asked, one brownie already gone. “any drama? fights? i hear the americans are feisty.”

[crescenthq-deactivated20170627]

“Don’t wear them, then. Is your mother here? Will she make sure you’re wearing those jumpers?” Hye Sun asked, discreetly rolling her eyes. She could be dramatic like the boy, but she could also be purposefully hypocritical. “There is also a thing called winter. I’m sure your clothes will survive a few months in the closet, won’t they?”

[aarcnjames]

“i mean, no. but it’s polite, i guess.” he felt a little stupid saying that, as if he suddenly cared so deeply about something as trivial as manners. “i’m sure even the winters here are uncomfortably warm, at least by my standards. not to mention that fahrenheit makes literally no sense.”

[zuby]

“You’re leaving me clothes you plan on sweating and dying in?“

[aarcnjames]

“you don’t have to wear the one i sweat and/or die in. i mean, you don’t have to wear any of them -- the whole point is that your weather is unconducive.”