The Wanderer

"If you're not careful, you'll get lost here and find that where you end up is better than where you had planned to go." Personal // Occasional RolePlay Blog > [[ See the "Defined" page for details on the blog owner ]] > [[ See the "Contents" page for...

[ab-esse-blog]

I am not the people from your past.

I will become part of your past, however, if you continue to treat me like I am.

[ab-esse-blog]

Every once in awhile I wonder why people seem to reach out to everyone else around me regularly (or so it seems) but somehow, never to me.

Then I remember how many times I’ve made my contempt for people reaching out to me or to others only when they want something clear, and I stop wondering.

[ab-esse-blog]

The critical risk of loving someone is that you begin to expect the best out of them.

For me that’s never been that I expect MORE, at a base level. It’s that I begin to think highly of them, and any morally insensitive thing they do which directly contradicts their supposed illustrated morals after I reach that point just...disappoints.

It’s always disappointing to realise that I am still very much alone. I slip sometimes, but what I claim to believe in and care about, I stick to. I don’t just willfully ignore things because it’s convenient or because I want something.

Why is this so hard for literally anyone else to do? Why is everyone I’ve met who claims to be above shitty human nature still so, so very painfully...not?

[ab-esse-blog]

I’ve always wondered why so much drama comes up in any group of people I associate with, and why it never seems to reach me.

I’ve come to the realisation that it’s because I’m never perceived as a threat. People are very competitive creatures at heart, and prideful besides. I’m virtually talentless, and any talents I do have I don’t talk about and keep to myself, therefore they are not perceived or acknowledged.

It’s a sad realisation to make, honestly, but it’s one I’m content with. Sort of along the lines of my invisibility. At my core, I know I don’t really want to be acknowledged because with acknowledgement comes attention, which has the possibility of praise, which I do not want.

So I will continue to keep to myself, and watch - or not, if I feel like it - everyone else squabble with their trifles.

[maureen2musings]

Winding Pathways

calibreus

[samoniosa]

[ab-esse-blog]

“I’ve heard about you, Shade. The boy who couldn’t die, who tried to die...the one Fate brought back to serve a higher purpose. As an example, to show that Sorrow would always linger, no matter how hard you tried to kill it...that it would ever be a shadow behind everyone, lurking, just waiting for the light to get bright enough so he can get darker. Yes, I’ve heard. Every smile on your face is a cruel irony.”

[ab-esse-blog]

Today I woke with the feeling that I had made myself hated by the ones I hold closest to me. I couldn’t remember what I’d done right before I went to bed, and despite being reassured it had been a night like any other, I couldn’t shake the feeling. I still can’t.

That feeling spread out to become the feeling of wanting to stop existing, right then and there, because I saw all my future days spread out in front of me, all the times I would have to wake and find something to do with myself for a whole day, or do something I hate, before going to bed and waking feeling no less tired than the day before, and having to do it all over again. On and on and on.

It’s hard to find out about toxic behaviours you have and not hate yourself for them. It’s so easy to just resort to that, to call yourself despicable and leave it at that. Because it’s so much work to change. It’s a matter of how much the people they will affect are worth to you. I am a jealous, selfish person when I love someone enough. This, coupled with abandonment issues from all my past partners finding someone more interesting than me, but not bothering to break things off -- because I was still convenient -- and instead slowly distancing from me until I felt like garbage, hits very hard.

I want to be honest about my feelings without making the people I care about feel guilty for me feeling that way, or feeling like they need to change something to make me not feel that way. People will get upset, that is life. That is part of being alive. I will get upset. I will get jealous. Is this anyone’s responsibility but mine? No. But can I handle it if it’s just bundled up in my chest, eating away at me? No. I’m done hiding myself away. But never, ever will I expect anyone to cater to my feelings, especially if nothing wrong has been done.

I will still feel. But that doesn’t control me. And it doesn’t control anyone else. I just want people to know, and to listen.

[ab-esse-blog]

I’m coming to realise you lied to me about a lot of things.

It’s coming to light how little you really value me in realising the lies for what they are. You insisted you’d never want to do a lot of things, just because it’s ‘your nature’ or ‘not something you find remotely interesting or pleasing’.

What you really meant was that you didn’t want to do it with me. Which is fine. But why wouldn’t you just tell me that? Because now I have to watch you publicly talk about doing the things you’d insisted you’d never wanted to do, with someone else. And in one case, it’s someone you specifically told me, personally, that you’d never want to be that way with.

[ab-esse-blog]

I just want it to stop hurting.

[ab-esse-blog]

It’s funny how selective people’s memories of events can be.

It’s also extremely revealing to the sort of person they are, and how much easier it makes it to decide that I never want to see their face again.

[ab-esse-blog]

I will never do a long-distance relationship again.

They are all I have ever had up until now and I don’t think I could do it now after I’ve seen what a legitimately good relationship that is local looks like.

If I ever consider it, someone needs to remind me to just clock myself in the face. Even that would hurt considerably less.

[ab-esse-blog]

Before you say something, run it through a couple of filters. And before you complain about that being inconvenient or troublesome, let me ask you: just how important is the person you're speaking to? Do you care about them? Are they your friend? If you answered yes to either of the second two, you can take the slight amount of extra time to do this. The filters: how is this going to sound to the person hearing it? How are they going to take it? Be considerate. It takes a little extra energy, but if you care about the people around you, it should be energy worth expending.

[ab-esse-blog]

Everything about you is a relief.

How you keep showing me that I don’t need to be afraid to breathe, to tell you how I feel, what I fear. Because you never greet it with scorn or think it’s an attack on you. Because your focus is on what matters.

You are so gentle. Even when you are upset, you don’t turn that fire on me, even if it was me who did something to ignite it.

Thank you for being the rain that has already steadily begun to wash away all the grime that has caked on my skin over the years.

[ab-esse-blog]

Every single one of my past relationships has ended with mutuals spying on me and relaying information to my past lover. Was I really stupid enough to believe that wouldn’t happen this time? I guess I was...I feel so, extremely violated, I feel like I can’t even run away without something always biting at my heels.

How could you even say these things? That you meant so little? Do you know how much I loved you, how much I tried to stay around even when it hurt just to breathe? When I didn’t want to wake up in the morning, but still got up and tried to hold on, tried to ignore how much it hurt to just be there? Do you know how much it killed me to realise I was never going to recover if I stayed, and that I had to run or I was going to endanger myself?

I guess even now you don’t listen. You’re too caught up in the fact that I ran to someone else. You don’t care, do you? No, all you see is this horrible fantasy where you apparently didn’t mean anything and I moved on in a day.

I see how you see me now. I just don’t know why I’m even surprised. Nothing’s changed.

[ab-esse-blog]

Everything I see and everyone I know tells me to remove negative energy from my life to improve the quality of living.

The thing is...if I do that, I’d be removing you. But how can I do that knowing it’d save me and condemn you at the same time?

I can’t. Since when have I ever looked after myself first? I tried to do that, and you made it very clear that it ruined you.

That’s how it’s always been for me. What kind of idiot was I to think that’d ever change.

[ab-esse-blog]

Everyone has a Beast.

Everyone’s Beast is different. Some are far more savage than others.

It’s there in all of us. But it’s everyone’s individual duty to ensure it doesn’t sink its fangs too hard into those we love. You have to catch it before the claws that lash out score too deeply. 

Some even become their Beast completely. Some never recover. Some do.

But sometimes the damage the Beast has done is too severe to handle. Sometimes, that image of cold eyes and sharp claws is just too much to bear. The claws might’ve retracted and the warmth returned, but you know they were there, and that the warmth was once a bitter wasteland that offered no comfort.