One Last Thing...
So, this blog post is a bit late. Three months late, some might say. Well, it was hard to decide when the gap year was officially over–and even harder to admit it to myself. But, I think I must finally admit that it’s over. Abby already left for college; I leave in a week from today. The Gap Year is officially over. So we needed one last post to end it, here, too, I decided.
But, I also decided, long before it was officially over, that the Gap Year will only ever be “over” in a technical sense. I honestly still live it every day. I don’t know why, but each day, a different part, a different segment reaches from the past and touches me. Today it was the Feast of the Immaculate Conception in Seville. I literally watched half an hour of Youtube videos of tunas singing to the statue in the cathedral square. The longing to be there is a sharp, aching emptiness in my chest.
I know it sounds melodramatic, but it’s true. Today it’s Spain, and yesterday it was Italy, and the day before that it was Colorado, driving through what seemed more like Mars than America. It’s not just that these places are objectively incredible that makes me miss them. It’s what they meant to me, what I felt I left behind. I still feel like I left little breadcrumbs of myself throughout Europe, and Argentina, and the U.S.–besides the literal breadcrumbs we left from our diet that was approximately 90% bread. (Believe it or not, I miss that too.)
I don’t think that the feeling is fading with time. If anything, the longing grows as time separates me and my little scattered pieces more and more. And that’s why it’s never over. Between all that I learned and all the places that learned me, I don’t think I’ll ever be separated again from the Gap Year. On one night soon after I got home, I was writing in my journal, thinking about when I’d stop writing, when my Gap Year journal would be complete. I somehow realized that even when I stopped externalizing the record of the year, it was still internalized, that I was a product of it, and that, journal or not, it would always be recorded not only in my memory, but also in the person that I became, the Eleanor that walks through life and associates bargain bread with utter freedom, and churches with the most profound knowledge I’ve ever found out for myself, and hostels with independence, and a sense that I finally felt that I’d become who I was supposed to be.
So now I’m going to college, where I’ll make a thousand new memories and become a different person again. The future is bright and exciting, but reflecting on the Gap Year isn’t looking back–it’s looking in. The year will take me places I’ve never been, and places I’ve been before. I’m excited to see familiar faces hanging on the walls of New York museums. I’m excited to feel to same way about one city that I do about 30 others. I don’t know if I’m more excited than I was a year ago, about to leave for Europe for 6 months, before it all began. I would give anything to be able to go back and live it all again. But, as the cliché goes, I would never go back, because I wouldn’t want to change anything at all.
So, from Abby and El,
Goodbye … for now














