Sides of nonsense & then some

[abcdefghijocelyn]

I’m going to be celebrating a new year in a week.

A week!

The other day, I was internally freaking out and thinking, “I’m going to be HOW OLD?! I’m fucking old. FUCK. Do I look old? oh my god, what if I look old? Do people think I look old too? What am I doing with my life?!”

I was really freaking out. Genuinely .. utterly, freaking out.

My mother’s birthday was the other day and on our way to dinner, my aunt was sitting next to me and said, “You’ll be celebrating another birthday soon too, my child, huh?” and I respond by confirming, “Yea.. “

My mother overhears and says, “Yeah, she’s going to be __” and my eyes get big because no, that is not my upcoming age, mother.. 

But that next morning, it sunk in because even though my mother thought my age was older, she wasn’t very far from the actual number either. I start getting really excited or whatever this feeling is, once my mother’s birthday passes. That’s the real countdown. 

But I really freaked out. 

Because I’m going to be HOW OLD?

It made me get in this mood, this birthday morality mood. It just, wasn’t cute. I was really freaking out to myself.

But earlier today was a different story. 

I was more in acceptance of it. I was more at peace with it. I thought to myself, “Yes, I WILL be __. I look great! I am beautiful.”

Sometimes, I read people talk so negatively or at least talking down to this whole getting/being ‘old’ thing and I’ll admit it feeds into me thinking the same thing, but you know what?

It’s a year of some type of growth. It’s a year of survival from everything that happened to make me a better person. It’s a year I add on of wisdom, of knowledge, of lessons, all of it. And as long as I can remember that there’s always something to be thankful and grateful for, that I can remember that there’s always something to smile about, “old” isn’t a bad thing. 

[delapalma]

[abcdefghijocelyn]

To the men that have come and gone in my life,

A man has always wanted to lay me down, but he never wanted to pick me up. And the men that did have real love and affection for me, were the ones that never touched me. -Eartha Kitt

There are quotes that I come across at different given points in my life, where they may not initially speak directly to me when I first find them, but there are points later on in my life, where they captivate my attention because it relates so well to whatever I’m going through. 

The last two years have definitely been a lot of learning and relearning and trying to set my focus on myself again. My happiness. 

This man, took me to that point, where I questioned everything about myself, because I had reached that point, of self loathing. 

I really believed I wasn’t worth anything and I wanted to end my life. Because I didn’t understand the purpose of my being anymore. 

It dived that deep. I let those wounds cut me that hard. 

And reflecting on it sometimes really makes me sad.

Because I can recall and still feel how badly that hurt me. How badly I was played. 

Despite how bad some of my relationships have been - whether they were really serious or not though, I still am thankful for them because they’ve taught me so much about myself, whether they were aware of it or not. 

Even the guys that I just, happen to mess around with.

I respect all the men that have come and gone in my life because they truly are great men. 

Because I mean, at a given point, there was something about them that sparked my curiosity, whether we ever reached a romantic stage or not. 

And I will not, and refuse to say anything bad about them.

Whether they do the same is all up to them, but I know, in my heart, they’re not bad people.

But I know some people that have been there for me will say otherwise about them. Because they were there, when I was crying from heartbreak, or slurring profanity from anger, any of those ups and downs in general. 

At the end of the day though, the men that have come and gone in my life have taught me various life lessons that I truly believe, made me a better individual. Maybe not immediately, but in life, it speaks eventually. 

Sometimes I do want to thank them personally.  Other times, I remind myself that it may just be better off to leave it as it is. 

And just, carry on and be free. 

Because I do not want to have malice in my heart.  Things just flow better when you have that kind of peace within yourself.

I just, thank you. 

[purplebuddhaproject]

[essenaoneill-deactivated2015102]

[maza-dohta]

I don’t know how to love a man when I am all ocean and he is seashore. I don’t know how to touch without leaving.

Pavana पवन (via maza-dohta)

[marceloiglesias]

[aperiodofsoftness]

Beautiful. 

[queencitybadass-blog]

[abcdefghijocelyn]

I am smart, I am kind, I am important. I am beautiful. I repeat this to myself from time to time when I'm shaking off the fucktard shit that life tries to attack me with. You are not dimming my light.

[worrying6]

[abcdefghijocelyn]

Reminders for me, reminders for you.

[r2--d2]

[abcdefghijocelyn]

YADAAA., a playlist on Spotify

Because I didn’t want to name it ‘sex playlist’ on Spotify.

[healthyrawvegan]

[surfandwrite]

That’s what really scares me. Falling in love is easy. Having sex is easier. But bumping into someone that can spark your soul - that shit is rare. You could fuck four, five, all the people in a god damned room and you’d only feel a connection with one. Or none at all. And what sucks is despite the undeniable real magnetic pull between the two of you, more often than not, you don’t end up together. I’m afraid I won’t meet anyone else I can connect with. I’m scared it’ll be just you.

[wvnderlst]