Parking my car I started my brisk walk from the parking lot to my office building hoping to make it in time, my stomach grumbling to remind me how urgent my situation is. “Why didn’t I just go at home?” I thought, cursing myself for not properly planning ahead. Each step puts greater strain on my bowels…am I actually going to make it?
“It would just be easier to let it go” I thought as the diaper between my legs seemed so inviting. “That’s what they’re meant for right?” I began to think, but quickly shook myself out of it. “No, I’m not an actual baby, I can hold it till I at least get to the restroom for some privacy.” Even though I have been diapered for the past 3 years, I still have control over that… right?
Finally I reach the building and fling the door open. Now I just have to make it to the bathroom on the opposite side of the hallway from where I’m at… I’m so close… I definitely can do this! I started speeding up, hoping to at least make it into a bathroom stall to mess my diapers. At this point I’m desperate, there’s no way I’d be able to get my pants off in time to use the toilet. In reality, it’s not really even an option. Being diapered 24/7 for the past few years, I rarely had the option to use the toilet, always required to use my diapers instead. “So why fight it?” I argued with myself as another cramp made me grimace. I could just go, there’s no one in these halls no one would know.
I need to prove to myself that I still had control… I still had a choice of where and when I would go. If I can’t make it to the bathroom at this moment then am I really that big kid I claimed myself to be? Finally the cramp subsided and I started to pick up the pace to make up for lost time. I’m barely keeping it together at this point…
The door to the bathroom was wide open. I can see the sinks and the tissues dispensers from
the distance! It’s so close! With renewed hope I started speed walking as fast as I could towards the doors, almost teetering on a full blown jog… I felt relieved! I’m definitely gonna make it now, it’s just a few feet… just a little bit mo-
I stopped. “N-no…” I whimpered as my body decided to take control and with one last cramp my stance widened as I squatted slightly just a few steps from the bathroom door. I lost… I started quietly grunting as I pushed the mess out into my awaiting diaper right in the middle of the hall. I felt my diaper start to droop as much as my jeans would let them. Turns out jeans do not give you as much space to fill your diapers as you would hope, making me have to push a bit harder to get all of my mess out. I squatted a bit deeper and grunted a bit louder, just hoping this moment would end quicker… but it just kept coming…. I started to worry that people were going to start coming into work and find me squatting down and grunting…and if the act wasn’t obvious enough the smell would have been all they needed to figure out what I was doing…to how babyish I really was… I grunted one last time… finally done….
I was both exhausted and embarrassed. I didn’t move… I could feel the heaviness of my diaper just weighing me down. My face felt hot… here I am a working adult who just turned another year older, not able to even make it to the bathroom in time. Kids at the age of 5 could do this no problem… The smell started becoming more apparent and It added another layer of humiliation… there’s no hiding what I had just done… I messed myself… just like any other 2 year old who isn’t potty trained… at that moment I felt so small… so little… I felt like a baby… I probably didn’t look all that different from one in hindsight.
I slowly started getting up. My jeans were both my enemy and my friend, making sure that my diaper did not droop too bad but also making sure that I’m reminded of the mess that I had made. I felt the contents of my diaper mush around with each step closer to the bathroom. It probably looked more like a waddle rather than a normal walk as I tried hard to minimize the damage to make it easier to clean up. I must’ve looked like an oversized toddler in those small steps waddling to the bathroom…
I don’t think I’ll live this memory down for a very long time… and I’ll probably be wearing diapers for even longer than that…
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