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oozey mess
EXPECTATIONS
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
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tannertan36

ellievsbear
we're not kids anymore.
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@abigailandlaura
I really need a person to text at the hours of the night otgers are sleeping and just talk to once the semi permiable membranes of my mind start burting open and letting all the misery in.
Abigail
For some reason my heart has just been aching because I miss you so much. I hope that you are smiling. Laughing. Loving. Your presence in my life is missed and much needed. I miss movies and animals and giggles. Please call or text me when you read this.
Dear Abbey....(and entry of the emptying of my heart)
I was doing so well. It had been almost a week since I'd last self-harmed when this night came. First I made the decision to look at triggering photographs and videos. I watched people hurting themselves. I read heart wrenching quotes. I then came a post that read, "You only look at things that trigger you so that you have a reason to do it." At first I felt insulted. Then my mind began to gravitate towards the idea that this post could be a good thing. Maybe I do have an excuse. I'm triggered, right? So I grabbed a keepsake box and a few pencil sharpeners (all my tools had been confiscated) and I rushed to the bathroom. I drew myself a bath, taking the sharpeners apart as the scalding water hit my bruised legs. Once the tub was full, my legs were burning and I had extracted each blade, I turned the knobs to stop the flowing, and the pleasurable nightmare commenced. I cut my left arm until the water began to turn a beautiful shade of crimson. I leaned my head back with release (and honestly some ecstasy) as my arms drained into the once transparent water. I then quietly returned to my room and felt even more triggered than before. This event took place an hour ago. Since acting upon my urge to self-harm, all I can think about is doing it again. Just a few more. Just a little deeper. When does this end? When does enough become enough....or too much?
A Story
The Girl No One Wanted
The story of Jacob, Rachel, and Leah, from Genesis 29-30
There were once two sisters. The youngest sister was very beautiful and her name was Rachel. But the oldest sister wasn't beautiful at all (some thought her quite ugly), and her name was Leah. Rachel was the kind of girl who always gets invited to parties and chosen for the team. Everyone loved her. And poor Leah? No one hardly even noticed her.
One day, their cousin Jacob came to stay. He was one of Isaac's sons and he was on the run. (Jacob had stolen and cheated and made some enemies- including his own brother- and now he was hiding.)
The funny thing is, Jacob- of all people- was the one God gave the special promise to, the same promise he had given his grandfather Abraham: "I will rescue the world through your family." (But then God chooses people we least expect, as we'll see).
Jacob stayed on a long time working for his Uncle Laban.
One day, Laban said, "Jacob, I've decided to pay you for your work. What do you want?" A sudden thought struck him. "How about one of my daughters?"
Jacob looked at Rachel and he looked at Leah. Who would he choose? Of course, he chose Rachel.
"I'll work seven years for free!" Jacob said. "If I can marry Rachel."
So Jacob worked seven years and, at last, his wedding day arrived.
But that night, Laban played a nasty trick on Jacob. Instead of sending Rachel to marry Jacob, he sent Leah. (Now in those days, they didn't have electricity, so it was dark in their tent and, besides, women wore veils and you couldn't see their faces properly. So Jacob suspected nothing.)
The next morning, Jacob woke up- and screamed. His new wife was lying beside him and it wasn't Rachel-it was Leah. Jacob jumped out of bed. "Laban!" he cried. "You scoundrel!"
But Laban said, "Work for me another seven years and then you can marry Rachel."
So Jacob worked another seven years and, at last, Rachel became his wife. Now Jacob had two wives, but of his two wives, Jacob loved Rachel the best.
"No one loves me," Leah said. "I'm too ugly."
But God didn't think she was ugly. And when he saw that Leah was not loved and that no one wanted her God chose her- to love her specifically, to give her a very important job. One day, God was going to rescue the whole world- through Leah's family.
Now when Leah knew that God loved her, in her heart, suddenly it didn't matter anymore whether her husband loved her the best, or if she was the prettiest. Someone had chosen her, someone did love her- with a Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love.
So when Leah had a baby boy she called him Judah, which means, "This time I will praise the Lord!" And that's just what she did.
And you'll never guess what job God gave Leah. You see, when God looked at Leah, he saw a princess. And sure enough, that's exactly what she became. One of Leah's children's children's children would be a prince- the Prince of Heaven- God's Son.
This Prince would love God's people. They wouldn't need for him to love them. He would love them with all of his heart. And they would be beautiful because he loved them.
Like Leah
A list of twenty-five things
Dearest Laura, I'm going to write in list form...ya know...Shake things up...keep you on your toes 😉 because I have yet another proposition for you. So here we go. 1. I love you a whole lot. 2. You are gorgeous. 3. Your laugh makes me laugh because I like the sound of you being happy. 4. I think Shannon is an amazing woman and I'm glad she's in your life. 5. I want to watch the Black Swan with you soon. 6. As you know, we are both annoyingly busy people. 7. I don't know about you, but I will be consistently this busy for the next month. 8. I hardly know what's going on in your world. 9. I don't want to be out of the loop for another month. 10. So I have a proposition for you. 11. It's actually more like an idea that just came to me while I was in the shower, but proposition sounded cooler. 12. Fact: all my best ideas come to me in the shower. 13. Random fact: sometimes I shower just to try and brainstorm for ideas. 14. Number thirteen was irrelevant. 15. I'm getting around to actually proposing something. 16. I want to hear about your life, but we have a hard time being able to communicate at the same time. 17. But I still want to be an active part of your life. 18. This is hard to do when we can't communicate often. 19. Actual proposition: I would be honored if you would text me everyday (or multiple times a day) and tell me what is happening to you/around you/in you, so that I may spend time each day in prayer for you and those specific things. 20. I'm actually undisciplined in my prayer life, just as a heads up. 21. But I will be true in doing this, and if I mess up on a day, I will let you know I have done so. 22. Besides, this is a chance for both of our weaknesses to encounter God, who works well with our shortcomings. 23. In fact, he's pretty much dedicated all of eternity to restoring us and redeeming our weaknesses. 24. This makes me really hopeful for our prayerful endeavor. 25. I love you. Tell me what you think.
Good news and bad
So let's start with the bad for a change. Sharon's appointment yesterday didn't go so well. She's got to go get testing done tomorrow. They think they may have found something. Please keep praying for her. Good news? Monday night I was driving and I was listening to this song. I just paused my music and said, "Dear God," .... It was quiet in my car for a little while, but then I started speaking. I talked about Sharon. I talked about my imperfection. I asked that God would forgive me. I asked that He would come in my heart and help me see the truth. So that's the good news. I've been praying for Sharon, too. I love you!
Sorry things have been so busy, work is crazy. I did learn that if you use a word five times, it's introduced to your active (dynamic) vocabulary. My word of the day is arbitrary (it means when you do things based off whim rather than a system). My response rate when texting is rather arbitrary 😉 Anyone, I thought I'd send some songs your way. I think you'll love them. Buried in the Grave- All Sons and Daughters Great I Am- New Life Worship Be Thou My Vision- Pedro the Lion Just a couple for the day. I love you!!
Ana, Mia and Me
God, they’ve returned with a vengeance. Laxatives, diuretics, purging, restricting. You name it, I’m doing it.
Hiding it? God that’s another story. My family is up my ass. I think they know. I don’t care. I’m an adult. I make my choices.
Well, I think I make my choices. They make my choices…?
I can’t wait to see you in person and talk.
I love you.
I'm nothing if not honest, and believe whole heartedly in vulnerability, so here we go. I think you should have expectations. You deserve consistency. And love and patience and kindness. You deserve someone that thinks of ways to love you best. You deserve someone who is a vessel for divine love, so you can taste a bit of how Jesus sees you in your interactions with people. That being said, I pretty much do a shit job of it all the time. It's pretty easy to understand why: I try and love with my love, which is petty, selfish, limited, vain, and weak. I really don't walk in the spirit much, nor do I make the choice to love the Giver of Love, nor do I go to him for refreshment, nor do I ask to love with the Divine Love he is ready to give. I know God is not limited to my weaknesses, that this self-absorption I live by do not hinder Him loving me or Him loving you. But it does mean I probably don't make you feel as loved, cherished, and precious as you should feel. Just know that I love you. And I mean that I love you with as much as my selfish heart has to offer and I love you with all the desire of loving you with the unending, perfect Divine Love. I do not feel obligated to you. Relationships are hard, I grant you, love especially. But love is a duty, while you, my darling, are not. I am only bound to you in obligation in that you are the Beloved of Jesus, my Beloved. That means I am as bound to you as truth, hope, suffering, joy, heaven, the cross, and the King Himself. You are not a burden, you are just Laura and I am just Abbey. Two very selfish, broken people attempting to stay afloat because of grace. I love you.
Great Expectations
Abigail, I hear you speak of the weight of expectation, and I know I'm only another person you feel that heaviness from. Please don't feel that. Please know that I appreciate you and all that you do so very much, but I don't at all expect it. Please don't feel obligated. The mind is a terrible thing to feel trapped by. I love you so much, Abbey. I'm sorry for how you must feel when that weight bears down on you. You mean the world to me. Please keep sharing. <3
I'm with you.
Sometimes, I think I could explode. Sometimes I come home from eleven hours of work and lay down exhausted, only to be crushed by the weight of expectations. My mom expects a conversation. My dad expects shared dinner. My sister expects homework help. The girl I used to mentor expects a response. My best friend in high school expects a carefree night out. My friends out of state from the summer expect an update. Advice. Patience. Consistency. Investment. When I close my eyes or shut my door, I'm overwhelmed by it. I can't escape it. My brain is always aware of what other people want. What other people need. I know your head has so much darkness it can't escape, I just wanted you to feel a little less alone. I sometimes can't escape my mind, either. I love you so much.
“My Own Jesus, [...expresses her pain and longing...] Jesus, hear my prayer. If this pleases you, if my pain and suffering, my darkness and separation gives you a drop of consolation, my own Jesus do with me as you wish, as long as you wish, without a single glance at my feelings and pain. I am your own. Imprint on my soul and life the sufferings of your heart. Don’t mind my feelings; don’t mind even my pain, if my suffering separation from you brings others to you, and in their love and company you find joy and pleasure. My Jesus I am willing with all my heart to suffer all that I suffer not only now, but through all eternity if this was possible. Your happiness is all that I want. For the rest, please do not take the trouble even if you see me faint with pain. All of this is my will. I want to satiate your thirst with every single drop of blood that you can find in me. Don’t allow me to do you wrong in any way. Take from me the power of hurting you…I am ready to wait for you through all eternity.” – Mother Teresa of Calcutta in a letter to Jesus I'm a big fan of Mama T, have been every since I read her book of collected letters at the beach a few years ago. But I hate googling Mother Teresa quotes because all you get are ones about doing small things with great love and smiling and being joyful. Blegh. Granted, it is not a misquote, she did actually say those things, but the woman spent decades in what she calls darkness. If the world...or more specifically, the internet....wanted to be accurate than they should surround these "happy" quotes with at least ten quotes of darkness, loneliness, pain, and suffering, cause that's what she actually talked about. In fact, that's the main topic for most people insanely in love with God. An example being: "If you only knew what darkness I am plunged into!...I don't believe in eternal life; I think that after this life there is nothing. Everything has disappeared on me, and I am left with love alone." -St. Therese of Lisieux I love these people. They are real, honest, and lost. But they never lost heart. They remind me of you. I love you.
I Feel Fat and Out of Control
Things just aren't going well in my mind. The urges have come back and I don't know how long I'll be able to ward them off. I called my old case manager last night. I hope that was a good idea... Anyway, today I'm skipping breakfast. It's better than tearing myself to shreds (at least I rationalize it that way because I'm looking for a job) I love you and I'll definitely keep posting. 3
I forget what I should remember and I remember what I should forget.
Unknown
How does someone have so much pride and so little self-esteem?
Anonymous
And this one!!!