in another life I’ll be golden

Journal entries

[abitofemily]

“the light drains from the sky as my own horizon sets fire. i use the flame to light my cigarette and whatever’s left of the candle my mom bought me for christmas last winter, though i’ve never particularly enjoyed the scent of either. fog settles into the crevasses in between my bones and blends with the smoke from my lungs. “you’re killing yourself” they warn me, though i’m afraid that’s the point. the air is cold tonight and i shiver but it only goes down so far, as most things do nowadays. i’m not sure if it’s the whisky or the wine or just the winter. i’ve never coped well with the trees releasing their leaves to a final descent. i know that they will decompose becoming nourishment for the same tree to sprout new ones in the spring, but i don’t gain much comfort from that. what an incredibly devastating sacrifice; the loss of one love to nourish a new one. losing your shit, regrouping, doing better, doing great, getting a little chilly, losing a little umph, then losing it all, all over again. nothing screams the human condition much like the life cycle of a fucking tree, i suppose. it’s not that things seem hopeless as much as they seem so hopeful. and i am so afraid that i will waste all the beauty i observe. it’s supposed to empower me, i’m supposed to admire it, but watching the sunset doesn’t amaze me the way it used to.”

-i miss you

[abitofemily]

“But it’s not as simple as ‘is he abusive?’ Is it? Because if you have to ask the question in the first place, it’s no longer a question. Is it?”

-honey he’s abusing you // run

[abitofemily]

“You’re a piece of shit.” I whisper to myself, but not in the way it sounds.

I whisper it to the parts of me that never give the other parts a break. The parts that send my body on a long treck up a mountain that nobody should have to climb. I whisper it to the girl that stands in the dark guarding the light switch as I tremble and beg of her “please, I’m scared of the dark”, though she does not budge. There become three realities while I scream “you’re sick!” And my eyes fill with a water that my body shouldn’t have to produce. They all merge when the tear drops but it turns out I would rather the scene have stayed blurry; she is showing me pictures of all the girls he’s fucked before me. She tells me of all the ways that they are more woman than I, and I don’t have any defenses to throw at her. “You’re a piece of shit” she whispers to me, though she and I are the same entity. So I suppose I whisper to myself “You’re a piece of shit.” in exactly the way it sounds.

- I am still my own worst enemy. // 11.10.18

[abitofemily]

I have pulled the glass eyeballs from my skull and thrown them backwards as hard as I can, but even they don’t know the entirety that was a younger me. I swear I have held my own brain in my hands and picked it apart, slowly but surely uncovering the mystery of my childhood, though I can never remember exactly how the story goes. Sometimes I catch glimpses of a former life that only feels right when I hold on too tight to my mother. I cling to anything familiar because my tongue no longer tastes the way it used to. The songs of my past are rotting holes in my eardrums and I no longer want to sing along; my fingertips ache for my own hand but when I reach out I am met only with a cool breeze, bragging to me of all the times it has caressed my skin. It reminds me of all the times I wasn’t there to be my own lover. All the times I left myself out to dry come back in my nightmares and I get the feeling that the girl i neglected for so long wants revenge. “how dare you” she whispers. “All I ever wanted was to make you happy.”

- i am learning to be gentle with myself (@abitofemily)

[abitofemily]

Gnawing at the bit / temples dripping sweat / foaming at the mouth; i just cant wait to get a bite. hands shaking with every breath / shorts fringed too short / eyes peeled too low / what the hell happened to who the hell knows? blood pools under my tongue / teeth breaking / hands shaking / lord where does my help come from? this madness has rooted too deep / my eyes can’t see / ears can’t breathe / who would have thought this would happen to me? nobody knows anything, darling. / take a break, love. / close the door come here let me give you a treat, love. / nobody knows anything except for me / ask if i love you and ill tell you with most certainty: yes darling, of course love. / come here let me give you something sweet, love. / lay drown let me bring you a drink, love. / palms sticky with honey from the kitchen sink / eyes dripping the leftovers of something so sweet / don’t ask me what I mean, darling, nobody knows anything. / take a break, love. / i know it gets exhausting living with me, love. / I’m losing it, darling. / hold on, love. / draw the curtains come here let me tell you a secret, love. / nobody knows anything 

— all my perceptions of reality synchronize in perfect harmony when all the different me’s whisper “I love you” to all the different you’s (but that’s the only time. I’m losing my mind) // @abitofemily

[sadicalfeminist-deactivated2019]

can we bring this back beause i still listen to it all the time.

[abitofemily]

“The sunshine turned my bones to dust, but who gives a fuck? There’s shit to be done. I put stars in my pocket and locked the key inside because the water from the faucet gives me the same damn high. Why does the sky set precedents for suicide? The fire in my eyes barely subsides long enough for me to realize that no one ever told me side of the road didn’t hold my favorite dreams. I outgrew them in my sleep. Counting fucking sheep never worked for me so where the hell am I supposed to be? And why? I used to grow moonlight between my thighs, hidden for the nights when it got to dark to see. There were stars in my pockets, but I’ve already lost it. In another life I’ll be golden.”

— in another life I’ll be good (6:37pm @abitofemily)

[abitofemily]

“... and iridescence dances along my fingertips from the moment your lips meet mine. I grow sunshine in my Pockets Too Big for the moments when we’re drowning in thin ice; I store moonlight between my eyes for the nights when the stars collide with yours. Isn’t this how galaxies are born?”

— iridescents (2:46pm @abitofemily)

[abitofemily]

“Nothing has ever made its way under my skin the way you do. Pictures of us are burnt beaneath my eyelids and there are brightly colored petals clawing out of yours; They and I pick each other. I didn’t know a voice had the power to warm cold hands like mine but you say my name in a way that fits me like a glove; I sneak yours in between heated kisses. Not even honey feels this good dripping from my lips.”

— the hairs on your chest have heard sweeter nothings than I knew I could whisper (4:30pm // @abitofemily)

[abitofemily]

“I’ve got a lot of  Things on my brain and I’ve got a lot of  Weight on my shoulders  Building up, bringing me Down, I don’t know How  to say it, how to tell you,  But I miss you  Even when you’re right here, my dear.   Am I missing something?  I’ve got a lot of  Things that I’d like to  Say but I’ll probably never be  Bold enough to say them, like:  How Dare You Treat Me This Way?;  Put Me Down;  Back Up;  stop yelling.  I’m right here, My dear,   Am I missing something?”

-is something missing in me? (1:52am // @abitofemily)

[abitofemily]

i am thinking about everything // but mainly about nothing

the last drops of sunlight are spilling in my bedroom window. i wonder if curtains could feel, if they could love, if they would love the sun caressing them ever so gently like that. i think about when we are sleeping but you still have your arms around me. when we have stopped paying attention but our hands are still holding each other. it is so sweet; our lazy love. our slow and steady love. i wonder if my curtains feel the same. i wonder if they miss the sun on cloudy days as much as i miss you on our metaphorically cloudy days. mostly i just wonder if curtains could feel.   

the wind is pulling at the first green leaves on the tree blooming across the street. the shadows use my walls as a perfect place to showcase their waltz; one two three, one two three; i wonder if the leaves had consciousness, what would they think of the wind. of the way it somehow foresees the perfect steps for the perfect dance to the perfect song, over and over again. i think about the way it  feels when i forget my own name, and the way you so sweetly remind me. “i love you, Emily.” oh yes, its emily. and i feel so thankful that i have someone to fall back on. always. every time you are there. i wonder if i make you feel that safe. i wonder if the wind makes the leaves feel that safe. but mainly i just wonder if the leaves could feel at all. 

my room is painted like a perfect picture. a perfect mess. like the set of a movie. the sunshine and the curtains and the wind and the leaves and oh dear god, the shadows. it all fucks me up sometimes. everything so picturesque. i wonder if i could somehow pin all that goes on in my chest down  into words, what they  would be. i am a girl composed of starry skies and chilly nights and coffee i let get cold. though i am only a human being. i wonder how this movie will end, only im afraid this is not a movie and i will have to wait and see if this girl on the floor will ever get off the fucking floor. “i love you, Emily.” oh, thats right. its emily. i am afraid im losing it. though mainly im afraid of losing you. 

[abitofemily]

“…And I do not need you to hold my hand; I am capable of holding my own. I do not need you to call me “baby”, for I am not small. I am not all the things you spoke of me. I am more than a pair of lips to kiss or a body to keep you warm. I am more than “beautiful”, Though I am that too. I am a motherfucking force of nature.”

— I am my own before I am anyone else’s // from breaking up with an abusive man (9.27.16) @abitofemily

[sweetschizo-deactivated20190808]

I’m not doing good at all. My abusive parents stopped all of my treatment abruptly and punish me every time I show emotion or symptoms. They also made me drop out of school so I’m stuck home everyday. I told my mom I’m self harming and suicidal and she told me to do more chores. I’m isolating from everyone and I really feel like this is the end. I don’t know what to do. This is getting worse and worse every day.

I’m so, so sorry that you’re stuck in such a horrible situation but I have no experience with that kind of abuse and I don’t know how you could realistically get help and escape.

Dear followers, if any of you have any kind of experience with what anon describes, please, please, please share any knowledge/advice/resources that you have. It breaks my heart that this anon is stuck in an abusive home, but I have no idea about how to help.

[abitofemily]

Hey, I’m no expert but this is me trying to help:

Depending on how old you are, where you live, mental health ect, there are a few things you could do. If you have any privacy at all, which I know might be tough if your parents are keeping you home but I would try to contact a trusted friend and tell them what’s going on. If you don’t have one I happily volunteer to hold your hand through this endeavor. Though I think it would really help having someone there in real life, having someone there for you in general is a close second.

Ultimately, I would suggest tracking down a Children’s Law Clinic nearby. They have law students in the clinic who advocate for children who aren’t being properly taken care of, and they do it for free. With you being ill and without treatment as well as being pulled from school (which is illegal), you have a lot of things going for you. No one is going to think you’re crazy or high strung. They will listen. Finding one of these clinics should be simple if you have internet access to search for them in your state. Just be careful that you search on a device your parents don’t have direct access to. The website should have numbers listed that you can call and explain things to. Someone will be able to help. The options as far as I know are basically: Emancipation, (“divorcing your parents”. Basically once you’re emancipated you are seen as an adult by the law. You just have to prove to a court that you can do life on your own, Usually requiring that you have a place to live outside your parents home and a steady income. If you want to learn about it on your own, family.findlaw.com has a list of requirements by state. This would be ideal if you are an older teenager and mentally/physically capable of holding a job). The other options would be staying with a family member, or foster care. (ideal for a younger teenager.) Your law center may present you with more options. They will be able to help immensely. I know it is so scary and of course it’s up to you with how you pursue a better life, but it’s important to remember that you are not helpless. You have rights. It took me a long time to realize that my parents only have slight control. If you need to get help, help is there. And you are not being outrageous by seeking it.

[abitofemily]

“... but crying doesn’t make you weak. You don’t have to feel bad for having emotions. You don’t have to feel small if you are quiet or timid. People will ask you why you are such a pushover. Why you are so sensitive. Why you let things happen the way they do sometimes. But you get to remind them that there is strength in being soft. It takes balls to show emotion. That shits scary; being vulnerable. But sometimes staying quiet speaks volumes. You don’t have to feel weak for being gentle or kind. There is a freedom in knowing that you could unleash the fucking antichrist on someone if you wanted to, they’re just not worth your time.”

— but when they become worth your time, go ahead and unleash the fucking antichrist // 11:46pm ( @abitofemily )

[abitofemily]

I dream that I’m laying in the grass so tall that even when I stretch my arms out I still can’t reach the tops of the blades; the sun shines and lavender golden rays warm my face in little triangles where there are breaks in the shadows; the wind is blowing a cool breeze that sends shivers down my legs; I can see the world spinning; my head spins with it though I am not dizzy; I feel a pulse from the ground and my heartbeat falls in rythym; the dirt beneath me is cold as I dig my fingers into it; I feel the roots of the grass clawing at me in the friendliest way; they tickle my fingertips and I get goosebumps as they make their way up my wrists; I am being pulled deeper and deeper into the ground, though I am not afraid. this is home; I feel free for the first time as I dissolve into the soil; as I become the earth; I can feel all that was ever good inside me start to grow my organs upwards; chasing the sun; blooming into beautiful wildflowers, feeling every breath of the wind and kiss of the sun all way into the depths of my systems; feeling fulfilled; beautiful; at peace. I wake up

[abitofemily]

You’re the kind of person people search the whole goddamn world trying to find

[abitofemily]

“There’s this emotion that I don’t know how to explain, but I know it is the most important emotion I’ve ever felt. It feels like an old memory but also like a new one. It feels like nothing can touch me. Like I am the rain falling from the sky but when I land, it does not hurt. I make love with the earth below me and become a field of flowers.”

— it’s love // 1.29.18 (11:43pm)