My Name is A.. @ablatantlychronicledus-blog - Tumblr Blog

Shame

I've been away for awhile. Main reason besides a new job was also a new romance. But shockingly it was short lived and meant to be no matter how hard I tried and believe me I tried. So met this guy named Shane. He's white with tattoos and a nice build. Very much my type. So we go on a date and hit it off. So much so we had a second date the following day. Oh and while we were out on the town on date one I met one of his best friends and her bf who also happen to be an interracial couple. So I was in heaven. The following weekend we had a date n Friday and then again met up the following day. And during that date I met even more of the best friend circle and from things were going and felt I was on the right track; or so I thought. After that fourth encounter/date/bar hop he told me the following weekend he would be pretty busy which included the following: taking his best friend out for a bday dinner and also helping his mom do some things. Since we typically hang in the evening excluding that second date in which we hung out during the day, I had figured I would maybe be able to get some us time after the activities. When I proposed this he didn't say yes or no but that he would let me know if we could link up depending on what happened with his friends. I accepted that. So Friday, which was when he took his bestie out for dinner, I wasn't given a chance to be with him. I admit I was bummed because I was really liking him. So I figured I try again the next day since his mom activities would be during the day. That day I worked till the evening so I was texting throughout the day. After he helped his mom he linked up with one of his friends and when I asked about maybe meeting up again I was told he would let me know. Now at this point I'm feeling a way because I feel that with him making me play our plans by ear he was respecting what possible plans I may have besides trying to see him. Even though I had no alternative plans that wasn't the principal bc he didn't what I may have going on. So what I did was told him during my shift that if he could give me a heads up about our plans before it was too late so I could plan my evening accordingly. He said ok. I figured by the time I got off work at 930 I had heard something. I heard nothing so of course I texted to see what was up. No response. Texted once I made it home, still no reply. So I had a drink and that made things worse because I was tipsy and in my feelings plus also horny. So I went out of my element and lightly sexted. And still no response. I can't recall how many times I texted but it was quite a lot. So I ended up just going to bed without hearing from him. Let me clarify, we both established that we were dating and only we're dealing with one another no other persons. That also made me feel we were headed in the right direction. Foolish me. So when I woke the following Sunday I seen I still had no messages from him. I was upset and now somewhat worried because even though his text response was never the greatest it just felt off. So I went to workout after again texting this time just saying good morning. So the whole day went by with me texting him and still no reply, now I'm mad and confused. Being that we are Facebook friends I can tell when he's been using the app which of course is on his phone and I could clearly see he'd been on throughout the day so basically he's had to have seen I'd been texting. Being the person I am I tried to get through to him by being sincere and explained I was hurt and upset about how things were suddenly going thinking that would maybe get a reply at the least. Nope. So I gave up and on next Monday morning on my way to work I texted good morning and to have a great day which I really hoped would get a reply because I figured he'd be at work as usual. Again silence. Now I'm beside myself with frustration. So I went off a little in the texts. Also I should maybe mention texting was our way of communicating because Shane is deaf and wears hearing aids so I assumed he probably never talked on the phone. Anyways after I went off and made certain comments he decided to reply finally after almost two days of ghosting me. He tried to say sorry for not responding to me the prior day but never said why that was. Then he continued to say we should put the brakes on hanging out because it was too much too soon. I was floored. I was completely taken aback. So being the man that I am I tried to work things out but it seemed nothing was helping no matter what I said. I decided to give him some space for a few days since things were a little heated and he also said he wasn't feeling well. That Monday night I decided to send him something to apologize and also something to maybe lifts his spirits. The deliver for what I was sending as a surprise was set for Thursday so I was basically hoping this would make things better. Idiot me. The delivery never made partly because the company I garbage but also bc since it was a surprise when they buzzed his apartment h ignored it. So I reached out to let him know he has something coming and it would be there the next day, he said ok he'll be there to receive. Delivery still unsuccessful. At this point I'm honestly emotionally worn out and almost over the situation but me being stubborn and not wanting to stop trying to work things out unless he said to but with the silence I was pretty much still getting it felt my decision for a surprise was moot. So

Feelings

Somethings happened. I've met someone who I'm deeply infatuated with after two dates. As usual I'm already picturing life with this man and I hope he feels somewhat similar. When I think of him I get giddy and nervous. Giddy because the idea of possibly being with this man who appears whole hearted and kind, hard working and actually likes me. Nervous because I'm beyond terrified I will find some way to mess things up. I can't stop thinking about him and can't wait for him to text me. I'm tired of looking for my mate. The search has been happening for years now and I truly think he could be the one I've been looking for. He makes me want to be better for both of us and I want to do anything and everything I can possibly do to make him happy.

Expectancy not met

All of my life I have been told I was smart. I always found it funny how being smart was one of those things people love to tell you about another person but rarely and never hear someone refer to themselves as smart. Maybe because it comes off a little smug to call oneself smart but facts are facts right if the evidence adds up. Well in my life I can say this, I don’t recall ever making honor roll, at least when it counted. I never joined any academic clubs or even a science fair that wasn't mandatory. I didn't do boy scouts or have any acknowledgeable skills in any sports besides running which isn't spectacular in any fashion. Hell i’m not even competitive to be honest. Heres another vivid memory, when I was growing up during the years after mom passed, I got told a lot by the uncle who helped raise my sister and I that I was so mart I could cure cancer one day. Seriously he said this to me many times. Normally to make me feel like I wasn't meeting my potential for whatever situation I was in at the moment, point is that I was constantly told one thing yet never truly being pushed in the necessary ways to meet said potential. Heres something you should know, today as in right now, my sister and I have no college degree to speak of. Not that we wouldn’t want one or haven’t tried, but circumstances and a taste of bad luck have made it harder than one can stand. Oh and my aunt and uncles two sons, the oldest is in the navy and college graduate. the other is currently in college and doing great things. I never heard him say to the boys that they could cure cancer but when I look at them and look and my sis and I I can't help but wonder what happened. Is it due to how we were treated after mom died? Is it due to how ever since she passed, things have been not horrible, but not good either. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done my best with opportunities when the circumstance wasn’t the best. I got my GED all by myself by reading the book that covered the test. no tutoring, no help. I also did some college but thats another story. As a man going on thirty I can’t but feel that I am not meeting expectations from not only my lame ass uncle, but countless others..

Ballroom 101

So within the gay community, theres a sub community called the Ballroom Scene. A Ball is an event the will ave categories that typically include cash prizes and trophies and above all else recognition from the ballroom itself. For you see, the competing ball walkers are normally part of whats called a House, which is like a family/frat/sorority/manythings.. and some Houses are elitist and some are more open but all types of life can be found at a ball. Being from the Midwest, our scene was somewhat more humble and fun. In Chicago, which was the closest big city that threw balls had a more faster somewhat meaner scene. City life I guess. Nut here in Indy, or when I went to Ohio or Kentucky, it seemed more, subtle. My first ball was in 2004 in Louisville. And it was an experience I’ll never forget. It was like my first night to the Caberet, I had a new awakening to what gay men did behind closed doors and again to how men could look. The night of my first ball, me and my then other best friend, AM, caught the greyhound to KY. We were both seventeen, unemployed and without car so sudden trips required busing it. Plus the ride was only an hour and forty minutes away. So we get there and we stop at where AM boyfriend was at. STOP. The reason this needed be added was because this too was a pivotal moment in my young life. RESUME. So we’re at this apartment and his boyfriend is straight up gorgeous, like model beautiful. I thought D was something but this guy was blessed. He later became a porn star. Ok so I’m at this foreign place anxious trying to be grown. We start smoking and at this point I'm still a novice to pot. I didn’t know there were more than one type of pot, I figured it was all just the same thing. NO. That night I smoked my first ever quash blunt. It changed my life. On the tv, the movie Players Club was on and i Had never seen it before. I was high I swear seeing that shit changed my life. Anyways so we get to the ball and if I thought AM beau was fine, I clearly wasn’t ready for this. There were even more fine gorgeous drop dead beautiful men there as well. I found out one was a woman, or used to be, I was floored either way. Seeing these categories which included things like runway, and a dance called voguing opened my eyes. I felt like I was seeing something magical and shocking all at once. I wanted to be part of this phenomenon...years later, I would secretly wish I had never even stepped into a ball, let alone heard of one. Wasted so much energy, sweat and money to go to these things all over the country and for what, a quick buck most day I’d have slim chances of winning and a cheap trophy that will collect dust on a shelf. Its been a tragedy is all I can say for now..

#welcometotheball #ballroomscene

Live Time (Update)

I inevitably made a mistake. I somehow forgot that D. is one of the many people I know I can’t never count on. Let’s just say this, I still haven’t seen him. Ok, yes we communicated very briefly, on FB IM no less. And yes I did give him my current cell number so he can contact me regularly. No phone call or text from him at all. Yes, I had to hit him up on Sunday and ask what was up, after a long while, after knowing he seen my msg but said nothing back, he finally replied he was at a party and would be done in an hour. After that small convo I told myself to have a good seat and reminisce why the fuck this felt all too fucking familiar. Because D. has done this exact thing to me countless times in the past. Had me waiting so expectantly and patiently and yet he is nowhere to be found. I forgot that D is manipulative and opportunistic, much like bestie K and the sad thing is, I am too, but I’m more empathetic than I like to be so normally I’m not cruel or misleading, these two will use you up for all you’re worth and not only only doing once twice, they’ll do it repeatedly until said see is finally made aware and cuts them off. Again,, I’m smart enough to see through the BS but I allowed for so many years before realizing I was a user as well, I ended up becoming like them over time, but again it never felt right but when you need to eat, sleep, and have money in your pockets, you do what needs to be done. Sorry, I got a little worked up. Assholes. I really can’t believe D had me waiting for his call or text or whatever beckon my presence to discuss whatever it is he wanted to tell me. Honestly, I just wanted to see his face and make sure he looked ok, and maybe also show ho much I’ve changed physically as well. Ugh, ego sucks sometimes.

#dontmindmejustranting

Live Time

So every once in a while, I’ll divert from telling excerpts of my life to talking about something happening in the actual present, normally having something to do with what I’ve discussed so far. In a couple of my past writings I discussed the infamous D. Green eyed D. Right, so one thing I hadn’t mentioned is that D has been incarcerated for the past few years for a few crimes, nothing dangerous really. So anyways as it so happened, after writing about him yesterday, who do I see suddenly liking a photo of mine of FB. D himself, which most likely meant he was out of jail. Now in my experience I’ve learned to not take such coincidences too seriously. Things, and when I say things I mean shit, happiness so I take things like this with a grain of salt. The old me would have been like, OMG he random and unforeseen is this? It must mean we should be together or some sad crap like that. No. If anything, I’m low-key psychic and just foresaw his presence in my near future so I had to write. No again, in reality, D is a very prominent figure in my transition from ignorant adolescent to a wise adult. But I do have to admit, I look forward to seeing him. Yes, after seeing he liked my photo I immediately when to FB IM to ask if my fav bro was free. (We’ll get to why I call him bro another day..) He replied he was, he missed me and needed to talk. I replied i missed him more (couldn't be outdone right lol) and set up to meet the following afternoon. I was actually in the drive thru at McD’s when I was crushing FB at 4 am fresh from a booty call. Details on more later..perhaps

#writeandtheywillcome

My Gay Mother

One of the many things I learned about the gay scene as a whole is that a lot a people within the scene look upon one another as more than friends I came to realize. Everyone regarded one another as bro, sis, etc like family. And after spending days with some of there guys, it really felt that way. I longed for that feeling. I was no were near ready to come out to my actual family and my sister knew but she moved out years ago so I was alone. I needed this familial outlet. And they embraced me with open arms, amongst other things. The night I lost my virginity, the guys apartment I smoked my first blunt at, N< became the gay mother. I was basically told that she, and yes when a guy a feminine generally we call one another girl or sis and mother of one decided to look after newer younger gay boys needing guidance. Yes, some took advantage of this position mothers and fathers alike, but N was always truly like a mother, he scolded me, he fed me, he gave me a warm home to sleep when I needed an escape. Over time, N moved away and I had a new local Gay Mother in his absence named AA while N became my mother from afar but absent nonetheless.

#gaymother

My First Time

After being slowly yet surely acclimated into the local gay lifestyle, I decided I was ready to lose my virginity. After couple close calls, and the many stories from my best friend/bad influence K, I felt it was time. There was this guy I met from going to the local After Sets named P. He was handsome, cocky, and bad. I liked all of that for some reason at the time. He picked me up, on a Friday night and took me to someones named N’s apartment. N and his best friend C were hanging and P was coming over to hang, probably also show me off, and smoke pot. This was the first time I ever actually some spot. I haven;t looked back since. After smoking, sipping on malt liquor, we left to P’s place, where he stayed with his grandfather. And there it happened. He stuck it in me and it hurt. At first. I felt dirty, like I was bad for doing it with someone I didn't really care about. But after doing it a couple more times, that changed.

#virginnomore #myfirsttime

Green Eyed D

So, the green eyed man from my first night out was, go figure, a local legend. His name was D. After that evening, I asked K about the man with green eyes you can see in a dimmed club. His reply was casually this, “Oh yea, that’d D, he’s sick.” I said beg your pardon, what do you mean by that? He meant HIV. I quickly learned that when you were talking about a person who has HIV, they simply said they were sick, or had “that” amongst many other honestly. Point being, he said D was sick. My understanding of HIV back then was extremely ignorant to say the least so I immediately sighed heavily and bit my losses. Weeks later, K calls me. K was off on one of his legendary benders which meant he would be gone days at a time, with some MAN, yes we were still in high school and minors, and K would call me and go on about his graphic adult adventures. Oh how I envied K back in those days. This time, he it was D. Yes green eyed D. What killed it was that when K was telling me about his adventures, he went on and on as if he hadn’t said what he’d said prior about D. So of course, being me, I asked after the lowdown, what about hm being “sick”? This bitch replies by saying, “Oh gurl, I found out that wasn’t true, he's not sick he cool.” My mf jaw dropped, I was hurt, disgusted and angry all at once. All I could do was polite get off the phone. What was the point of going off on K? It was obvious he had lied to me initially because I came to find out D, was a hot commodity, everyone wanted a piece, and many got it, sort of. This would just be one of the many times K would try me and piss me off. But I too, got my chance with the legendary green eyed D. Another time though..

#thelegendssometimesaretheworst

My first Club Night

Here in Indy, there was a club called The Caberet. It wasn’t magnificent, but to my virgin ass it was glorious. It was truly my first time being around a congregation a other gay men, at least that I was aware of. I was sixteen and scared as hell, you know because eI snuck out of the house on a Friday night. But the thrill of rebelling against my bastard uncle was making it all too worth it. Now prior to my walking in the club, my idea of gay men was very ignorant. I was unaware that gay men could look and come from all walks of life, it was like I expected to immediately be able to now if someone wa gay from sight alone. NO. I walked in that club and the first person I seen, well after being carded by a handy bouncy with shoes on at night, and after actually showing my real ID and still got in an over twenty one club somehow! Sorry. The first person I seen was this gorgeous, light skinned man with the greenest eyes I have ver seen on a man came walking out of that bathroom and I literally stopped in my tracks. I was in shock. My mind to to reconfigure in computations on what gay men are and actually can look like. I was horrified yet enthralled all once. And smitten with immediate longing. After about fifteen minutes in the club, about six guys were noticeably eyeballing me with lust for obvious new blood, I had hot my first black and mild (a cigar basically) and was offered to purchase pot. I ignorantly thought when told I could get a dime that it actually cost a dime as in the coin smh, the embarrassment from me trying to make that transaction lived for years to follow. All in all, the evening was an awakening. It also set me down a path that would truly change my life forever..

#firstnightout

Woes of K

K was to me an enigma. He seemed to odd yet mystified every time I spoke to him. He was the same age but somehow he seemed so much more aware of things that I never knew I could be made aware of. He seemed free and wanted a piece of that freedom as soon as possible. Let me also explain that both K and I are Aries so we were instantly best friends with that fact alone of a horoscope point which was hauntingly accurate accept unlike most Aries, I’m introverted versus the normal Aries extrovert. So basically, my high anxiety driven ass was drawn to K’s carefree live in moment lifestyle. I yearned to be like him and learned of time, I was doing nothing but playing catch u and therefore a follower. He was unlike anyone I have and probably will ever meet. Did I mention that K has countless times called his mother a bitch, to her face amongst other horrible verbal atrocities. Yet she never truly kicked him out for his MANY crude transgressions against not just her but other family members. You know what, we will get back to K, trust me theres much to tell..

The Fish

So during my freshman year of high school, I met my best friend K. K was like me, an aries, a very imaginative individual and also gay. One day he said something that introduced me into the gay world I know am aware of. He called me “fish” Now as a teen, I was very upset by this. Fish to me is smelly, and normally seen dead and ready to eat so I felt insulted. He explained to me that the fish is a gay term for females. So basically, using a different term, I was confusedly receiving my first “hey girl moment from another gay guy. It was oddly like a initiation. Either i would accept it or I wouldn’t. As confused as I was, my curiosity was higher. I accepted entry into the world of gay.

#thefishbitch

Aftereffect

After mom passed, my sister and I were shuffled from South Bend to Indianapolis. Our aunt(moms sister) and her husband were given guardianship for us. Besides taking the two of us in, they were also raising they young two sons. So suddenly there went from being a six and two year old to also a nine and thirteen year old, fresh from trauma. Oh, btw we didn’t receive any counseling to speak of for you know, losing our only parent. (Dad is somewhere in jail for all I know, never was around) So just to give you an idea, I, a somewhat effeminate boy with no father figure went to living with a former naval veteran. Life was hell. Lets just say i was verbally, mentally and physically abused for years. Aunt did nothing but allow it. So basically went for trauma to traumatic.

Loss

So this is a touchy subject for me but gotta share this..when I was nine, my mother died. I remember her well and she was great and beautiful. She raised my sister and me alone for about six years before passing. I know from personal experience that any woman who raises her child/children alone and makes it work without falling to drugs or illegal acts, deserves so much more than respect and adoration. The loss of my mother is something that even at twenty-nine years old bothers me deeply. I’ll never get to know if my mom would accept my sexuality( i believe in my heart she would), I’ll never get to ask her for advice on dealing with some loser I can’t just seem to shake because we would that close, talking about boys and life, and from what my family tells me, she was pot head, just like me. Don’t judge, she kept a great job while raising me and my sister, and I too work hard and stay focused enough to make ends meat regardless of habits. My point is that my mother being gone, to me feels like a void that I will always feel despair for being there at all. It hurts because I have two close friends who also lost their mothers, granted they lost them as adults but when I see them, I can’t help but feel the loss broke them in a way that can’t be repaired.

#somethingstimedoesnotheal

Gay Lesson #1

Trust no bitch! In seventh grade, I sucked my first penis. It was a interesting event. Ok so here is the setup, a finished basement(carpet, big TV, bar, bathroom, and even 2 bedrooms!) Friday night, lights off, movie playing: The Craft. My neighbor was a gay guy named Carlos who ran a foster home for boys. One said boys was in my class so of course we became friends. Anyways, long story short, we were sitting on the love seat with a blanket, he grabbed my hand, placed it on his crotch, through his sweat pants I could feel he was already erect, why idk..so my head ended up under the cover and voila, my first blowjob! So of course, me being excited as a wasp with a new pearl necklace went and told the girl I thought I could share anything with, my only slutty friend. By years end, I was the first gay guy in school, my handsome mulatto first now hated me and wanted to fight me (oddly he never did). By summers end he was gone to God knows where and I can’t help but feel it was all my fault.

#myfirstblowjob

Trauma 1

Trauma is really a funny thing. One of my earliest traumatic memories was when I was about four. I was in my at the time apartment complex which so happened to be the last place my family (dad, mom, big sister) all actually lived together. So yea, one day I was oddly unattended, maybe sis was there I really can’t be sure. Some neighborhood kid, he was older, no older than eight I believe and caucasian, he had a wooden baseball bat and decided to hit me. Again, It wasn’t hard enough to send me to the hospital, but I have since loathed baseball or even hearing about. PTSD? I doubt, but theres got to be a connection.

#lifesucksandthenyoudie

Start

When I was in kindergarten, I distinctly remember having a tiff with a young nation boy named Stacey. We used to race for the second half of class to sit next to rosy cheeked Kenny. It wasn’t until years later I understood why I despised Stacey so much, because I yearned to be next to Kenny everyday because I was seriously crushing. I was attracted to him and didn’t even realize it.

#myfirstgaymemory

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