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these are the thoughts that i have in the moment that i have them. nothing more, nothing less. some are transient, fading away as they become tangible. some stick. can't say i really know which ones are which.

[abreakinasacredplace]

there are so many things happening in life and there are so many things to think about

it almost feels like my life is... starting over with this subtle awareness of the way things have fallen into place where do i begin to start to think about the places things are and where i want them to be

where do i start? it feels like there’s so much

[abreakinasacredplace]

i should be honest with the way i feel. with myself, with you.

i am just scared worried apprehensive of how… transient my feelings can be, sometimes.

is that a part of what feelings are?

[abreakinasacredplace]

i wonder what this means what this means what this means.

a yearning. for more connection. more. more. is that greedy? is that selfish? is that something i can handle? what am i capable of?

it feels like such a... weight. to have these feelings, these half-formed wisps of thoughts. it’s... discomforting. to be weighed down by such ephemeral concepts, thoughts, feelings.

they’re here, then they’re gone.

i think, i say to myself, i need distraction -- but that’s just that. distraction. 

how do i deal with this how do i come to terms with... whatever this is?

i think sometimes time will simply solve it, will give perspective, form to what it is i feel. i really, really hope it does, because i don’t know how to approach things

in the meantime... distraction. 

a watched pot never boils?

[abreakinasacredplace]

the way your smile spreads across your face.

[abreakinasacredplace]

so much. so so much.

[abreakinasacredplace]

i feel like for a long, long time that i’ve been living or existing inside of a shell. somewhat disconnected from things. and now, at the thought of reaching out, experiencing, saying more.. it’s honestly kind of really scary.

is this what people normally do? why do i suddenly feel so different? like an outsider. a fake?

regardless. i’m going to try to live honestly and be true to myself. as much as i can bear.

but really i’m honestly terrified that i’ll be misunderstood by the people i care about the most. fear of judgement I guess.

[abreakinasacredplace]

how do people live with themselves when they miss someone i mean yeah rhetorical question own person, separate life, own hobbies and friends but damn it this sucks

[abreakinasacredplace]

it’s not that the bucket is empty. it’s that the bucket is gone. and i didn’t realize it this vast, gaping emptiness.

it feels like im blind, stuck in an empty stadium, overwhelmed by the terror of the void.

no walls to scrape at, nothing in my path to stumble over. nothing to grab ahold of to clamor my way to the desired spaces.

[abreakinasacredplace]

i guess one of the things i struggle with or feel frustration with is my place how do i occupy this space relative to others? what do i mean with the things that i do, and how should i carry myself whilst doing them?

i used to follow trends, picked up habits, did things that people around me did and wanted to do. throughout middle school and high school, the person i was was the people others were.

i like to think that i’m separate now, that i’m my own person. so i do things and think things and want things, and it’s chill. but then i pause, look at it, and feel... discontent. discontent, i guess, with, for one, the amount of effort i put in to things. how much is too much? how much is not enough? what do i want out of the things that i do?

with photography, with art, with travel, with blogging. i want to do these things because i simply want to, but i feel that i am somehow... missing something.

how much is too much when it comes to second guessing and overthinking?

i guess these are the things i will eventually find out. i’m on my way. 

[abreakinasacredplace]

feeling good. this is nice.

[abreakinasacredplace]

I'm struggling to try to understand these feelings attachment and unattachment was it because I was so often pushed to feel guilty or self loathing for being unattached? is what I feel a clash between pull and push?

[abreakinasacredplace]

why do I seek out and dwell on my fears and insecurities? as if trying to squeeze out every last drop of feeling and emotion?

[abreakinasacredplace]

and now a sudden presence the impetus is different but I feel that same physical reaction where is this all coming from? uncertainty uncertainty I mean of course there's never any I see the illogical feelings I see them I feel them I can't stop them like a form of meditation all I think I can do right now is to embrace it reflect upon it see it, turn it around in my hands, and hopefully eventually let it go

[abreakinasacredplace]

a realization of something that, in retrospect, is so freaking obvious that I'm astounded I didn't realize the extent of its truth. I've always known I've had a huge problem with overthinking. but I didn't realize how invasive the roots spread and how much it colors and taints. my worries, my fears -- I had thought that they were exceptional, brought about by my past and the things I've gone through. while yes, this is still true, I think -- I think -- this was not the whole story. it's impacted by thought, not unlike that of a younger me, excessive thought. I've grown so wary that the little things that are normal and can be explored naturally get a spotlight, scrutinized by my paranoia. in a way I feel that it's unfair, though I know that everyone has things they're dealing with and such things are part of it all. I only hope that I can continue to have thoughts, explore them, and find the meaning my totality holds for them.

[abreakinasacredplace]

but yes. everything is spinning and I hope I did not make a horrible mistake. I feel.... vulnerable. exposed. I didn't show myself in the way I expected, though I did expect to show myself at some point in time. I just hope it was not premature. that it was not something..... regretful. I have a lot of insecurities, I guess, if that is anything to be learned.

[abreakinasacredplace]

I guess a lot of it is me wanting someone to tell me it’s okay for me to feel the ways that I feel. that is not my fault for having my thoughts, that it’s not my fault that I feel — or don’t feel — the ways that I do.

but it still makes me feel so fuckign shitty that the way that I feel can make someone else fucking hate me or feel so, so hurt. I don’t want to inflict that on another person.

I know that i can’t help the way that I feel, and I can’t help it if it hurts another.

I know that.

so is my challenge just… owning up to that? to understanding it? I feel like I do, and yet… I feel so far away from how I should feel in the end.

[abreakinasacredplace]

this at least i know. of all that i don’t know, this i know.

i want to see you happy. i want to see you filled with contentness and joy, without a shred of any of what pulls you down. i want to just hug you and tell you its going to be okay, and for that to be the truth when i say it.

but i know. i know it’s not my responsibility, i know you are your own person and an individual. i know (or think. one can never truly know) that you don’t want to pour your personal struggles on someone else, just as i know (think) that i feel the same way, a hesitation towards dumping this load on another.

but just as i feel the hesitation towards, i look at myself, and know that i would do the same for you, at least i hope -- the opposite of what i fear, what i think you fear.

at least i hope so.