i really was working on sorting out all of my accounts and i'm close to being done sans lagging behind with website coding because i absolutely have to do everything by hand. this blog will be wiped and used for reblogs while the rest will go to archives that already exist. it's a graveyard of all of my blogs. it will be replaced by a blog using a different engine because i finally found one that is similar to the first one that i used and loved (blog.pl).
i'm still stuck in visual-music-project land and finished setting it up properly as it required licenses and distribution but learning stuff is fun. for once, i get to use my stale video production skills which are in a documentary area so... not very relevant. it's fun though and for some unfathomable reason - people like it. by people, i mean unfortunate locals that come across the messes that i leave behind.
my goal for this year was to finally have a holiday but it seems to be the year where i realised that recovering from a brain tumour is not a snap of fingers. ironically, and optimistically - i did get an all clear so my heart is functioning normally (well, as far as it can with the defect that makes it too large) and my brain looks fine. i'd sort of prefer if my thinking organ still had something hindering it as it's really hard to use it. it's still stuck in a deep adhd crash that has me sleeping an hour a day but it's joined by an absurdly overblown derealisation phase. my mind is very convinced that everyone is dead (including me) and we're just ghosts trying to simulate a reality.
yeah. recent events don't work with my head very well. it's not the unprecedented crises rolling out every hour everywhere but it is how humans behave that gets me. it is a total sum of various historical processes that pushed us into avoidant narcissistic hyperindividualism which is in love with meritocracy and the misuse of psychology. i'm sorry that i even had to label it as we just dove off the deep end of a cliff. it's less visible in person in glasgow but as a cripple - i communicate online. as depressive as my blog sounds - i'm a fairly average obnoxious, chatty, snarky wee bastard. it never was hard for me to find a place to sink my digital claws into or people that were too busy to punch me in my pixelated face. it's impossible now.
i resigned myself to a lonely decade because it just became embarassing. it felt like i was pestering people all the time or moaning about them being all wrong and antagonistic to the concepts of community, unity and kindness powered by dark humour and sarcasm. a lot of folks are stuck in survival mode, which is understandable and a lot seemingly walked away - which makes me jealous as i have nowhere to walk away to. still, it's rare for others to think as this being abnormal and if that's the case - then, i'm being abnormal. i'll just wait it out. everything is cyclical, after all. yeah, i'm an extrovert but i hate being a burden more than i hate isolation.
and as for society - i noticed that many things that used to be positive and were signs of progress before, became really toxic and added to the problem of us being misanthropic, little gremlins. most are still ephemeral ideas that are hard to form or label and some sound outrageously offensive, even when explained.
take polyamory, for example - there's nothing wrong with the concept and it's always positive to have many schemes and ways we do things and how we exist. love, desire and belonging spread around to more people who all are interconnected, diverse and enriching the intersecting whole are grand. same as taking healthy communication practices and striving to uphold them in relationships. so, where is it going wrong? it's hard for me to even describe and the easiest is to detach the whole methodology from the idea of having multiple partners or being open to it. mixing in various open relationship types, swingers and anything else related to consensual monogamy but divorcing it from the processes governing it - it's still a mess when trying to dissect it. you'll have to accept that when i write about poly - i mean the ephemeral ideology not anything related to very personal human romance.
why am i pondering it - it's sort of a great way of illustrating what else is wrong according to me but not everybody else (or some as i read a bit of analysis that are touching those topics but some are rooted in bigotry so not cool and negatively biased). in essence and in theory - polyamory is meant to be community-focused, right? it's big on communication, personal growth and intersectionality as well as dismantling systemic programming in people. to my mind, the ideology has grown to be the exact opposite of that. maybe, it was always rooted in that, even.
right, where is the error? it's how polyamory isolates somebody. wait, isolation? yep, isolation. counter-intuitive right? however, when you think how an individual exists within the system - it makes more sense. every relation is treated as it's own thing which is unique and you have a different relationship with every person. systemic societal control over people strives to have that over their personal bonds too, so ideally - an individual in the poly world won't have power over other connections. there's you, there's the other person and how you exist. let's say that one of you makes a mistake - you are encouraged to explore any failures within yourself since that's the only factor that you can control. your own actions and emotions are within your reach while others are responsible for their own. we are divorcing a bond from exernal influences so that it can be framed as something that is truly genuine. let's say that the problem that you are dealing with is unsolvable from your own end while your partner struggles in the same manner. if you both decide to work on it, then it's grand, if not - then it's easy to separate. you're not alone because you're encouraged to have partners that fulfil various areas of your life to avoid having somebody becoming your entire world.
okay, that's slightly wonky - you could say that you pick people based on their merit to you and how they benefit your life. it can be a healthy thing as roles and boundaries aren't bad and can help us navigate the world and its people. here it's where it becomes murkier - what if the problem in your relationship is a result of another relation in your circle? you might be connected to the other party or completely detached from it but you're still only responsible for your side of things. you can voice your protests and they might be heard and accepted or rejected since people vary. the problem is the lack of conflict as it's not framed as such becauae it doesn't involve you and others might disagree. again, you can just walk away.
it's like that every day. stagnating and stalling self-progress is a bad habit, so your romantic and sexual expression as well as your attachments are meant to always be evolving. you're meant to be always looking into yourself and be in introspection while being open-minded and accepting to every internal and external change. stability becomes a more vague idea and you enter a cycle of associating progress with a fresh bond that you build and learn from. why a fresh one? well, you can only explore and old relationship so much before it stops being just about you and forcing the other person into a fixed situation is frowned upon.
however, life is life and it is structured in a certain way so you'll see some people more and others less. maybe you'll have to live with somebody permanently because of the rising costs while a person you are more connected to is on another side of the globe. that means that those outside of that circle will always have a limited role in relation to you and you to them. it might be fine but life is unpredictable and somebody will hit a brick wall but it's okay - they can walk away.
what if you only have equal partners with whom you live with? in theory, that could be the ideal solution or the opposite which is more like swinging where clear boundaries and limits always remain. the base is still a problem - you're meant to keep evolving and never settling, constantly renegotiating and redefining. even with the strongest of communities - it'll stop being grounding and you'll feel unmoored.
nothing wrong with being a free agent and a modern nomad. accepting vagueness, lack of boundaries, chaos and creative emancipation can be good for some. the thing is - people who are that out of choice are usually well-grounded and find stability in such a lifestyle because exploration can be controlled and you can decide that you are as evolved as you can be. floating unanchored through life without people or a place to call home makes us...
easy to manipulate.
and that is pretty much my ridiculous and drawn-out conclusion that is badly written. polyamory is rooted in psychology and it embraces that self-help niche where sexuality becomes a sellable product that can be categorised and labelled. i had friends in early 00s who were all congregated around the sex experts responsible for the whole 'ethical slut' movement and all had one thing in common - they loved to be manipulative. it was a contradiction since how can you only mind yourself yet control other relationships but it was the lack of action which was the weapon. folks like filling in the gaps as we overthink everything so you had a bunch of uncertain and unsure humans thinking that they're the cause and the fault in everything. when nobody feels securely connected to anybody - they can be easily arranged and managed. my former best friend loved to do that and he was the same with bdsm.
this all relates to relationships on the whole and is just noticable in polyamory as it was there from the start. the dilluting of society. the erosion of communities. none of it is about how people love because you have plenty folks who have multiple partners which are all respected, mindful, cherished, equal and going through life together as well as collectively facing their own demons. i knew many people like that. the problem is that strong links between people mean that they are likely to be confident in unity and that they consider society as a whole.
it's not some great conspiracy unless you consider dating apps needing people to constantly use them but even that is a stretch as they might create trends but they are just tools and mirrors to the processes taking place. we had tatcher and her electorate plotting the dissolution of strong communities and that decimated us while other countries had similar fun phases but that is another facet being a side-product of things. we did it all to ourselves with a happy dive into aggressive capitalism and by prioritising the individual every step of the way. if we only done so with the society - yeah, it would be similarly bad as we saw the effects of this on schooling in japan or their corporate culture. yet, it still was rooted in capitalism, so...
we're just fucked and how much we are fucked grows from day to day as every process is finally showing us the end product. i just used polyamory as an example but the same could have been said about gay cruising culture or the traditional arranged marriage system in india in modern times - we excel at dehumanising everything.
which is why i feel that we're dead. nothing just seems real nowadays. not because it is artificial but because we don't put ourselves into things (he he... put things into things). but, i'm a sad widower whose better half was smarter than me and always telling me to pay attention to the bigger picture and how to fix it. well, he should have fixed it, then *shakes fist*! leaving an emo ginger alone does nothing but he was a brunet so was meant to be clever and know better. yep, him being gone is what is wrong with the society. thank you, for tuning in to my 6 am post that was meant to be a random update and evolved.
just like my mother who is still not asleep and has to be up at 7.30 am for work. she graduated from her phone-destroying phase. she now vanishes them altogether. does anybody remember how i bought a spare mobile two posts ago and gave her the phone that i was using back then? we lost it. we looked everywhere in the house and it is gone. i refusrbished it and all. she is now on the spare, which is of course dying and which i am replacing... yes... with the phone that i'm writing this on. it's a process.
my mum's boss went on a holiday and he tends to do that regularly like a well-adjusted person. we're all jealous because his idea of a holiday is the correct one and he pranced around thailand cuddling animals. we concluded that he must be involved in animal rights there since he was in wildlife reservoirs and seemed to be trained (the man was playing with lion cubs and their mother, for example). i'm from a farming family so my priorities are the same and therefore i'll be doing that. just casually bothering sheeps and cows around town.
and... logging out. back to working on my laika tribute i go.
